Coping with anxiety over dating/ relationships/ connecting

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Against my better judgment, I've gone back to the online dating thing. God I hate this damn dating process. Got a response from a GREAT girl...smart, worldly, ambitious, just a great, great mind which is what matters to me. We wrote back and forth two or three times. I try so hard not to be over eager, but then I don't hear from her for more than a week, and I write back, just playing it casual, asking, "Hey, what's up, how're you doing," not so succinctly, but basically in that manner, just to keep communications open.

I try not to fall into that trap of "is she the one?" Just remind myself it's just meeting people and being casual. Yet, it is unavoidable to think, "Maybe she IS the one" and wanting to do everything right to keep that door open. And when it doesn't happen, I get so anxious that I've blown it, that I've missed an opportunity, that I'm gonna be alone forever.

And I can't help being angry. I just want someone to give me a chance, just as I've been willing. Is it so wrong to want to just to know somebody? Yet they don't even want to know me.

Chris almighty I hope this girl writes back. I want this to move forward and see what happens. I just want to date SOMEBODY, so I know i can do it, and I'm capable.

If this one doesn't work out, I think I'm gonna quit for good, because I'm clearly not worth s**t to any woman. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me so I could fix it and make myself the kind of person a woman would want. I mean, I'm hard working, I'm starting to make money, I'm an athlete, I've got my own place, and I'm focused on listening, and making good eye contact, and smiling and learning about the other person, and I'm trying to do EVERYTHING right.

Do we just give off something that scares people away? What if I CAN'T fix it, and I'm hopelessly damaged? Sometimes I wish I was scarred like the Phantom of the Opera, so then at least I'd know why I'm an utter failure, so I'd have something to point to why I'm alone.

I wouldn't lose hope yet. I've heard mixed things about online dating. A work colleague has done this and she is attractive, blond, sociable. She has had 1 or 2 dates but has also attracted a scam, and someone in a relationship who luckily she didn't date, but got a rude email off their partner.

You are still all the positive things you said regardless of whether this stranger messages you back. I'd be a little cautious as people are not always as they say they are. There are lots of reasons unrelated to you why she hasn't messages from losing internet access, to changing her mind/feeling anxious. Keep going and you will get there!

I had a look at some dating websites but didnt find them any use because I tended to believe what people had written about themselves and then I realised/was told that alot of people on the websites are not who they say they are or are not looking for a partner they just want to see how it works or want to have fun by trying to convince people they are someone they arent.
My advice would be to give up on the websites and look somewhere else for the right girl.because Im sure you will find one eventually.

I would think you are much more likely to be able to tell if you like someone if you meet them in person as opposed to online because online they have time to make up lies and/or send you pictures that arent theirs whereas in person they cant very easily hide their face and personality from you.

I would suggest joining a club or group of something you are interested in then at least any girls you meet there should have that one thing in common with you and hopefully by speaking to them you might realise you have some other things in common.

Or if you are lucky enough to have friends who know you well you could ask them to suggest a girl you could meet. (Dont mean to cause offence by this suggestion. I just realise you could be just like me who doent have any friends so would not be able to try this method)

People do say you find love when you are least expecting it. So never give up but also dont act like you are desperate or people may talk advantage of you. When you find the right person they wont ignore your emails/phone calls. There is nothing wrong with you still being single I still am and Im sure theres nothing wrong with me, well nothing too noticeable. lol

3messages seems a bit soon to be agonising over her reply to such an extent

i get too attached so online dating would probably be a disaster area for me also

Yeah I know just three messages, but man this girl is so interesting. I'm not worried at all about if she's lying. I can tell from our few exchanges she's legit...at least, legit enough that I really want to meet her for a coffee or a stroll in the park.

And I just freak out worrying it'll never happen, and that someone really great is cut off from me, and in my own backyard (figuratively speaking). I just get sick when I perceive of an opportunity that is lost, or never even was. My whole life is consumed by these worries...that I'm not doing enough, working hard enough, trying enough, and if I ease up for a second, I'll miss my chance at happiness, success, creative and artistic triumph. I can't rest for a moment or everything I've done to get as far as I have will be for waste, and my life and my existence will be worthless and without merit.

I MUST SUCCEED and it sickens me with self hatred when I fail, or can't even make it that far because the other person doesn't even give me a chance.

'life is what happens whilst you're busy making other plans'

don't force it.

as for the girl, you should just send a crazy message saying you know it's mad &very unlike you but you think she's amazing and would really like the chance to get to meet for a coffee because you think you'd get along great.
if she continues to ignore you then there was never an opportunity therefore nothing was lost(:
OSB logic.

Except it seems to me that you already have your excuse: Asperger's. Yeah, it isn't physical, but it's there. And to me (in my limited time on this forum) seems like a huge issue with some in the community here . Tell me what an NT male has to blame when he fails? Nothing. He hasn't an excuse, so he keeps on trying, and failing, and trying, and failing, until at some point, after dozens, if not hundreds, of attempts he finally finds someone.

But we Aspies, we've got a great excuse to give up, a great excuse to blame our failure on. So after ten tries (if that) we conclude it's impossible because of our condition. BS.

Put yourself out there dozens of times and don't use AS as an excuse. DO use it as a reason and a guide for improving yourself. Are you noting what works and what doesn't? Are you trying different approaches?

At this point I have no idea what works and what doesn't because it all winds up the same: the girl never answers my calls or emails, and I never see her again.

Have you tried simply getting more interests and widening your social circle with both men and women?

Because dating sites are 99% ineffective. Not just for aspies, but for all guys.

I'll go as far in saying that online dating in general is ineffective, now thats based on my own expencives of online dating of having has three toxic relationships. One from a chat room and the two others via facebook, thank god I quit fb.