Proof that aspies can have successful relationships

Page 7 of 12 [ 186 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ... 12  Next

Grisha
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Oct 2009
Age: 53
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,336
Location: LA-ish

27 Aug 2011, 9:19 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
The cause of misogyny can either be cultural influence, or blaming them for self's failure, or both.


This^

This seems to be the fundamental "blind spot" for many of the guys here. If they were different then their perceptions of what women "are" would be different.

I suppose it's just a psychological defense mechanism, but certainly isn't going to help them overcome their difficulties...



hans66
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jul 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Male
Posts: 315

27 Aug 2011, 9:32 am

My misogyny is situational, not pervasive (in all facets). If it is about dating, I am a misogynist. Female colleagues won't notice a thing, because I treat them equally, and I don't make a difference between men and women. On other areas I don't have problems with women. I even have had female friends.



hans66
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jul 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Male
Posts: 315

27 Aug 2011, 9:35 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
The cause of misogyny can either be cultural influence, or blaming them for self's failure, or both.


I tend to think the same. I remember that women started to talk with me as soon as they noticed me, when I was in the Western or Southern part of the Netherlands. But in my neighborhood most women are more careful apparently. My misogyny may come from there.

I may have been very stupid when I lived in Den Haag (Western) or Eindhoven (Southern). Why didn't I try to date with one of them?



SadAspy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Oct 2010
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 695
Location: U.S.A.

27 Aug 2011, 9:48 am

Aspy men can have successful relationships if they're good-looking or rich. I'm neither.



Erisad
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jul 2010
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,058
Location: United States

27 Aug 2011, 9:52 am

SadAspy wrote:
Aspy men can have successful relationships if they're good-looking or rich. I'm neither.


Why do you guys assume that all women want are rich and good-looking men? You guys must be looking at the wrong women. :/



Grisha
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Oct 2009
Age: 53
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,336
Location: LA-ish

27 Aug 2011, 10:05 am

Erisad wrote:
SadAspy wrote:
Aspy men can have successful relationships if they're good-looking or rich. I'm neither.


Why do you guys assume that all women want are rich and good-looking men? You guys must be looking at the wrong women. :/


1. What Erisad said.

2. Looks and money don't guarantee f*ck-all for anyone, including NTs, other than they can more easily afford to hire a prostitute.

I am reasonably attractive, and reasonably well-off and I'm not doing any better than you are in the dating department.

I'd say my prognosis is better though, because I'm trying hard to improve myself...



MR20
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Sep 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 945

27 Aug 2011, 10:17 am

Thom_Fuleri wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Thom_Fuleri wrote:
I find this sort of thing very inspiring. I don't fear relationships now because I've been round the block a couple (of dozen) times, but when I first started looking for love I despaired of getting anywhere. When I came out and realised I'd been looking for the wrong gender, I felt a huge relief. It'll be easier now! ...and it wasn't. Being gay makes dating much harder, because if you assume someone you meet is straight you'll (a) usually be right, and (b) will cause no offence. Neither is true if you're after a homosexual relationship, and this is the fundamental reason why gay bars and clubs exist.

But still, I got there.

There are two ways of looking at this sort of discussion when you're still in that despairing stage. Some of us find it nothing but a reminder that other people are succeeding while we are failing. Others hear about how people have struggled and managed to win through, and this gives them the hope that if they keep trying they'll get there themselves. The main difference is that the first group have given up - it takes effort to keep trying, and it hurts. If it's impossible, there's no need to keep trying. They don't want to hear that it isn't impossible, because that means they choose to remain miserable. They want to hear about how their condition is hopeless and they are destined never to love. They don't want to be this way, but they want to change it even less.



Gay dating's dynamics would be too different than the Straight dating's dynamics. They can't even be compared as equivalents, I mean...hello? We are talking about a man seeking women vs man seeking men? I am not denying your effort, but bare in mind that the 2 cases are very different.


Basically, "this doesn't apply to me because I'm a special case".
You're ignoring all the straight success stories, of course. I think mine's the only same-sex success mentioned in this thread.

Quote:
Besides, gays are usually more liberal and open than the rest of the populations, and their dedicated places (ie gay bars..) would help a lot. Even if they are a minority, they usually have a sense of community and supportive to each others because they know what the other goes through in society , that make them closer to each others.


You've never been on the gay scene. Some are nice, but there are also a lot of bitchy queens. Even bisexuals struggle to gain acceptance sometimes. And if you're a racial minority or disabled, good luck on the scene.

Actually, my success really started when I discovered the clubbing circuit wasn't all there was. Pubs and clubs are really terrible places to meet people, and I don't even enjoy them as pubs and clubs.

Quote:
It's easy for you to lecture those guys, but keep in mind that even you have admitted that you were miserable when you are attempting to date the opposite sex years ago.


"Those" guys. You exclude yourself already!

Quote:
You know, maybe things would had remained the same to you if you were really straight and you would be probably nagging today with MR20 instead of lecturing, or maybe not, but both are possible, you can never know.


This is true. If I were straight, I'm not sure what I'd be doing now, but the key point is not that I'm gay but that I learnt to keep trying. I had my heart broken several times. I was taken advantage of. I wondered if I'd ever get anywhere. But I kept trying. I'd like to think I'd have done the same if I were straight.

You've given up, people. You've decided it's too late to try again, that you can't succeed, that it's all over. At 45, I'm pretty sure you WILL fail miserably if you're using dating techniques for teenagers! If at first you don't succeed, try something else - quit the bar scene (that stinks anyway), consider what you have to offer, rethink what you're looking for. The perfect woman does not exist, so lower your standards. Don't go looking for a long-term relationship from the start, because that will just put women off - these need to develop over time. Look for a short term fling instead. If it'll work out, it'll turn long term. If not, move on.

Dating is a weird game in which the rules are unclear, there's no clear scoring system and the players are after different things. Don't bother trying to win - you can't - but you haven't lost until you quit. Instead, remember what games are for - having fun. So you're starting late - it just means you need a different strategy. You think no-one else has ever joined (or rejoined) the dating scene in their forties? You've not got the youth card to play, but you've got life experience, and (hopefully) a stable home/career, both of which make you an interesting prospect. If you can control the more antisocial aspects, your AS can be a point of interest rather than a problem. If you can't, it's damn well time you learned.

All this said, I'm expecting you'll still say none of this applies to you, and then you'll give me a list of excuses.


I'll give a bunch of "excuses" as to why this doesn't apply to me. I've never been to college, in fact I spent most of my life in special ed until I dropped out in the 9th after repeating the grade twice. So basically I'm too stupid to get into college and in turn find a good job.

I'm 25, ugly, poor, slow, uneducated, never dated, with no friends, and have no prospects for a good future. I've spent the last few year locked up in my house to avoid being ridiculed and talked town by the people outside.

Girls/women have hated me all my life, tell me is that gonna change in 10 years? 20? What hope do I have of finding a decent looking girl to like me?

None, that's what.

And I don't like you trying to compare other people to you. People are born different, maybe I can't do the same stuff you do. There are different levels on the spectrum, you probably were born higher than me, and with more skills to succeed in life.



SadAspy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Oct 2010
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 695
Location: U.S.A.

27 Aug 2011, 10:23 am

Grisha wrote:
Looks and money don't guarantee f*ck-all for anyone, including NTs, other than they can more easily afford to hire a prostitute.


"Necessary but not sufficient" fallacy. I didn't say looks and money would guarantee an Aspy man a woman, but not having them guarantees they will be alone. If a woman is remotely attractive, she'll have TONS of options.



nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 23,497
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

27 Aug 2011, 10:54 am

Erisad wrote:
AmyF wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
AmyF wrote:
I'm too 'special' for them....Too normal for the special boys too special for the normal boys. I do like this one guy on facebook though...


What do you mean by 'special'?



Guys don't want autistic girls. They aren't very good girlfriends.


Not true. I have AS and I'm a pretty damn good girlfriend. :)

They can be for Aspie guys. I'm an Aspie guy with an Aspie girl & she's perfect for me


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"

~King Of The Hill


AmyF
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 21 Aug 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 132

27 Aug 2011, 11:09 am

nick007 wrote:
Erisad wrote:
AmyF wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
AmyF wrote:
I'm too 'special' for them....Too normal for the special boys too special for the normal boys. I do like this one guy on facebook though...


What do you mean by 'special'?



Guys don't want autistic girls. They aren't very good girlfriends.


Not true. I have AS and I'm a pretty damn good girlfriend. :)

They can be for Aspie guys. I'm an Aspie guy with an Aspie girl & she's perfect for me


I've had aspie boyfriends though, they all sucked.



hans66
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jul 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Male
Posts: 315

27 Aug 2011, 11:55 am

AmyF wrote:
I've had aspie boyfriends though, they all sucked.

What about NT boyfriends?



AmyF
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 21 Aug 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 132

27 Aug 2011, 11:58 am

Nope, autistic school for four years and this is my first year at normal school. I'm in a special class but I doubt any of the guys would be interested in me.



Megz
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Dec 2010
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,028

27 Aug 2011, 12:11 pm

The two best relationships I've had were with people who are atypical. The first was with a guy who's bipolar, we were great together. And now with my aspie man :D things are much better than they ever were with any NT. And for the record, I think I'm a pretty good girlfriend even if I'm a little clueless on the emotional stuff.



Thom_Fuleri
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Mar 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 849
Location: Leicestershire, UK

27 Aug 2011, 1:09 pm

MR20 wrote:
I'll give a bunch of "excuses" as to why this doesn't apply to me. I've never been to college, in fact I spent most of my life in special ed until I dropped out in the 9th after repeating the grade twice. So basically I'm too stupid to get into college and in turn find a good job.


Since when does it take a college education to have a relationship?

Quote:
I'm 25, ugly, poor, slow, uneducated, never dated, with no friends, and have no prospects for a good future. I've spent the last few year locked up in my house to avoid being ridiculed and talked town by the people outside.


- 25? Is that all? You're still young!
- As for poor - that's no bar to a relationship. Most people are poor.
- I don't believe ugly for a moment. It's common for anyone (especially aspies!) to hate their own appearance. I did myself, and it took me a long time to overcome that. Besides, ugly people get together too.
- Slow? Uneducated? Again, intelligence is not required. And you're selling yourself short. You can work a computer and your spelling is excellent. You're smarter than you give yourself credit.
- Everybody has a point in their lives in which they've never dated. Then they start. They are often terrible dates, but it means the next dates are better because you know more.
- Friends are a lot less difficult to make than you'd think. Close friends that you can trust, those are rare; but you find them by making regular friends and seeing what you end up with.
- I had no prospects for a good future. I left a life with no money or future in my hometown and ended up in a life by the coast with no money or future. Meeting my partner got me out of that and into a home and half decent job. That's a key point for you - I'm a better catch now BECAUSE of a relationship. The relationship was the cause, not the outcome.
- That sounds like a case of agoraphobia at the end there. It won't help you to stay at home. My ex had agoraphobia, and he managed to break out enough to meet people... including me.

Nope, still all excuses. Sorry. Your biggest problem is a very low self-esteem.



aussiebloke
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 14 Oct 2009
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,407

28 Aug 2011, 6:22 pm

Melpomene wrote:
aussiebloke wrote:
being alive feels like a prolonged death "meh" *

More of you should tap in to you "meh" no friends "meh" no hopes dreams or aspirations "meh" no GF "meh". *

Seriously these aspies who chase friendships,GF and "success" are quite probably unhinged depressive or something?


No offence, but life feeling like a prolonged death hints towards depression more than people wanting social interaction with people IMO. 'Tapping into your inner meh' is not going to get anybody anywhere, it's giving up. I feel that many people forget that autism is a spectrum disorder and that while some people have no desire for social interactions, a lot of people do, and some very strongly so. The fact that it's sometimes extremely hard for us to succeed in relationships doesn't completely rule it out as a possibilty. I think this thread is intended as an optimistic message to those who are convinced that they will never find a partner, not a way of showing off. There's no denying it takes a lot of effort and a good deal of luck, but it can happen.



Well theirs one aspie here in my area who's special interest had become (confirmed by him) chasing friendships and meeting new people . His also depressive so I wonder those that chase are they depressive , I used to be that way when I was younger.

As crazy as this may sound I sometimes wish I was still depressive as a depressive I used to be "fun" so much so that I used to get invited to parties . :P



Now non depressive boring aspie :D

The point I was trying to make was as a depressive the things that I thought mattered it turned out didn't't really matter at all. :)

No offense when some of you grow up and hopefully well packaged you to will come to this realisation :wink:


_________________
Theirs a subset of America, adult males who are forgoing ambition ,sex , money ,love ,adventure to sit in a darkened rooms mastering video games - Suicide Bob


aussiebloke
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 14 Oct 2009
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,407

28 Aug 2011, 6:36 pm

Forget education,looks,money etc I think most of us wouldn't know how to make ourselves lovable to a significant other . :wink:


_________________
Theirs a subset of America, adult males who are forgoing ambition ,sex , money ,love ,adventure to sit in a darkened rooms mastering video games - Suicide Bob