How can I get out of my own head?

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I'm 27 years old and i have aspergers syndrome. Im a virgin and have never even had a girlfriend. It's pathetic that I'm nearing 30, a time when most people are married with kids, and I can't even talk to a girl.

Everytime I see an attractive woman I say to myself, "She's way too hot for me. She probably only dates hot muscular guys".

I mostly say this because that's what happened in high school. I was ignored and the jocks got all the girls. I can't get that image out of my head. Its with me to this very day. Plus hollywood hasn't helped. Women all over the word talk about how Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp are so hot. I feel like those are the kinds of guys I need to look like in order to stand a chance in the dating world.

I have days where I'll look in the mirror and think I'm actually a pretty good looking Guy. But then I walk around all day and see tons of guys that I think are better looking than me, and by the end of the day I'm depressed again.

How can I stop this self destructive behavior?. I really don't want to die alone.

moved from Random Discussion to Love & Dating

ryantkvids, anytime you feel like you have to look like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp, go to a mall and check out the men who are in relationships (and the women for that matter). most don't look like any famous people.

It's not about your looks then if you're even decent looking.

Perhaps they can sense that you are lacking confidence in yourself. Have you ever really given dating a try? Maybe you will meet a woman with similar interests. There is always dating sites and you can even check your local paper for various dating/social get togethers.

Perhaps they can sense that you are lacking confidence in yourself. Have you ever really given dating a try? Maybe you will meet a woman with similar interests. There is always dating sites and you can even check your local paper for various dating/social get togethers.

If you're a bit obsessive, online dating is a really good way to meet girls. Think of it as a puzzle to be solved. Go to a big dating site like "match." Unless you live in Barrow, Alaska, there's probably 100 girls from 21 to 35 who live within 50 miles of you registered on the site.

Start out and find 100 girls. Then start going through their profiles and try to figure out how you might introduce yourself to them through a letter. If a girl mentions that she is into a type of music or hobby, you can mention that in your letter. Try to empathize with them without being needy. Since you're not actually talking to a girl, you can take as much time as you want to compose your note.

But don't take too much time-- 15 minutes max and then move onto the next one. Don't write more than 100 words or you'll seem really needy. Also, don't start with the girls you're completely interested in, wait until after you've made contact with a few others and you have more confidence.

Anyway, out of every 10 introductions you write, you'll get 1-2 responses. Out of every response, maybe 1/3 will turn into actual dates. Then, once you meet the girl, she already knows you, so being cool and charming isn't as important as kindness, sincerity, and a willingness to listen.

If you force yourself to follow a plan like this, you'll have something to think about besides your own obsessions. Then, when you start getting dates you'll realize that you're not the complete loser you thought you were.

I realize that this may seem cold and mechanical to some people, but anyone who is sitting around miserable waiting for the love to end all loves is still just sitting around miserable. You don't need to meet the love of your life to have great sex and a lot of fun. Don't fall for the Hollywood idealization.

While most women certainly do have certain physical types they are more likely to be attracted to, most women shy away from men who look like models because they doubt their their loyalty in a relationship. They tend to reason that these men, maintaining the bodies they do, do so because they want high caliber women, and think the men believe they can easily get one when they tire of their girlfriends.

And remember, women do not place such a high priority on physique as men. They tend to place higher priorities on personalities.



High school isn't real life. It's where NTs make a bunch of social mistakes and bad decisions, and hopefully learn from them. The jocks did not get all the girls. They got girls but certainly there were most likely plenty of guys who were not jocks who had girlfriends, and plenty of girls who did not date jocks. At most high schools, jocks represent only a fraction of the student body.

I don't deny that Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp are what is considered to be good looking. However that doesn't mean that I would date them or would not be attracted to men who did not meet the media's standards of good looking. It is really no different than when men talk about Pamela Anderson or Megan Foxx being good looking. They would like women who look like that but most of them don't limit themselves to women who look like that, or even seek out women who look like that.



Realize women actually have different priorities than you think they do, and you are short changing yourself by being so insecure about your looks.

I don't consider myself ugly but I'm certainly no supermodel. I acknowledge I'm not in the same league as Maxim model of the year Tricia Helfer (who did an excellent job playing Caprica 6 in BSG). I will never come close to looking like that even with the help of cosmetic surgery, but most women don't look like that and most men don't expect them to.

Likewise, most women don't expect you to look like Brad Pitt, and unlike men, most women wouldn't even necessarily want you to if they were going to consider dating you.

Sounds to me like you and I aren't that much different. I'm four years younger than you, but I haven't gone out on a date either. But, you do seem to put too much stock into appearance. You probably spend too much time in your mind, and can't get out of it. I do that, and I also kind of see myself as being kind of like a turtle. My shell is nice and safe, and nothing bad happens as long as I stay in it, but I don't get anywhere doing that either. I've avoided telling women I like them thus far, aside from that one girl I recently asked out for coffee as friends. I decided it was about time I stuck my head out, even just for a second.

I've always figured that if I don't take a shot at that sort of thing, I can't miss, but the more I think about it, I can't hit either. I say, try to gather up the courage to ask a girl out for something as simple as coffee, even if it's just as friends. I can't say I'm very courageous either, but I went ahead and did it. Sure, it took months to gather up that courage, but it happened eventually. She hasn't called back yet, but next time I run into her I'll see what I can do to simplify things.

You are always gonna have people who are better looking, more successful, more athletic, whatever. The best thing to do is to stop comparing yourself to other people. The only person that you can ever be is yourself. If need be go out and get a haircut, lose weight, new clothes ...it could def improve your image but the majority of people dont look like superstars. Really...the only way you are gonna meet a girl is to get a life...by becoming interested in something ...club,sport, hobby, community service, etc.

Most people don't marry looks, they marry personality.

Look around you, at the couples on the street. They come in all shapes, sizes, and degree of looks.

I realize that play dating in high school is centered around the attractive, out-going personalities, who tend to also be the jocks, but it's not like they are the only ones who will someday get married and have kids. They just got an early start.

But the start isn't nearly as important as the end.

I got married for the first time at 36 and my sister at 42. The world isn't over because you haven't dated before 30. Be patient with yourself.

I'll look around me and see people married or dating who are relatively unattractive, may smell, people that are dumb, or generally unredeeming, people that may be not nice and say "WOW - how'd they get a date?"

That doesn't make me think - "Hey, if they can get a date then so can I."
It makes me think - "Hey, there must be really something wrong with my personality if they can get a date and I can't."

It doesn't matter what you look like - but it's hard to keep up the self esteem.

I can relate, and I think it is owed to the very nature of our common state of mind that we tend to value visuals. Even though I do not care much about how people look, I tend to think because I am a very visually oriented person, others are the same. I have been put down by others in high school because from their point of view, I was ugly, when today I realized I was simply different and did not match their style. Not that I am good looking, the point is that women thrive emotion far more thant plain aesthetics. Even if you were the hottest person on earth, would you want to be with someone that only valued you because of how you looked? Heck, one of my closest friends who is really attractive has had so many boyfriends I've lost track counting, and none of those relationships lasted that long, because the guys were into here because of her looks, and she was into them because she thought they loved her for being... well, her. Maybe an advise from someone who as absolutely 0 first-hand experience with women may not seem that valuable, but I have seen so many relationships come and go that I at least can make sophisticated guesses on what the reasons might be.

^^^^to me, this is brilliant advice.