Is it ok for your spouse to have friends of the opposite sex

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Is it ok for a spouse to have a friend of the opposite sex?
Yes 89%  89%  [ 42 ]
No 9%  9%  [ 4 ]
I don't know 2%  2%  [ 1 ]
Total votes : 47

Aharon
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01 Apr 2012, 11:43 am

I can see where maybe I didn't word that well. When we were on the verge of getting together, she told me she was a virgin. Six years into our marriage she changed her story; said that in fact, she had not been a virgin, and had been active with her fiancé for the same length of time I'd been married to her at that point. I'd always felt very secure and happy with our common "virginess" and suddenly found myself in a world where I was plagued of visions of my wife with another guy. It was a big shock and something I didn't handle well. It affected me deeply for a long time.

In our marriage though, our bed has never been defiled with infidelity, and I have no concerns about it.


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Aharon
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01 Apr 2012, 11:50 am

PastFixations wrote:
My mistake with the sex buddy thing there, since you stated male friends and her being home alone at times, I kinda put the two together.
Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.
I'd not worry about this as she would have left you if she wasn't satisfied. Why not be happy that she is with you? Male friends are only a problem if they say about sleeping with her.


I appreciate your comments, and I am in the process of evaluating my feelings, and seeing if I can be more flexible about this. She is, after all, only talking on the phone about friendly things. It's not like they're going out to a movie or dinner by themselves or something... I just think that because I didn't know about it, realizing it was there was a big shift for me, and I don't like change, much less suprise change.

I will deeply consider all that is being said here. Thank you all for your support.


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League_Girl
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01 Apr 2012, 12:18 pm

Yes.



diniesaur
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01 Apr 2012, 12:46 pm

Aharon wrote:
I can see where maybe I didn't word that well. When we were on the verge of getting together, she told me she was a virgin. Six years into our marriage she changed her story; said that in fact, she had not been a virgin, and had been active with her fiancé for the same length of time I'd been married to her at that point. I'd always felt very secure and happy with our common "virginess" and suddenly found myself in a world where I was plagued of visions of my wife with another guy. It was a big shock and something I didn't handle well. It affected me deeply for a long time.


It's bad that she lied to you, but I see nothing wrong with her having had sex. I guess I can kind of see why it may make you feel more secure if you're afraid you'll be bad at it, but if you have her to teach you I think it would be fine...

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In our marriage though, our bed has never been defiled with infidelity, and I have no concerns about it.


Hahahahaha! :lol: The way you worded that makes you sound like some kind of ancient king or something! I like that.



Aharon
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01 Apr 2012, 1:07 pm

diniesaur wrote:
Aharon wrote:
I can see where maybe I didn't word that well. When we were on the verge of getting together, she told me she was a virgin. Six years into our marriage she changed her story; said that in fact, she had not been a virgin, and had been active with her fiancé for the same length of time I'd been married to her at that point. I'd always felt very secure and happy with our common "virginess" and suddenly found myself in a world where I was plagued of visions of my wife with another guy. It was a big shock and something I didn't handle well. It affected me deeply for a long time.


It's bad that she lied to you, but I see nothing wrong with her having had sex. I guess I can kind of see why it may make you feel more secure if you're afraid you'll be bad at it, but if you have her to teach you I think it would be fine...

Quote:
In our marriage though, our bed has never been defiled with infidelity, and I have no concerns about it.


Hahahahaha! :lol: The way you worded that makes you sound like some kind of ancient king or something! I like that.


Lol yeah it does sound ancient doesn't it. Yeah it's bad she lied to me, but that's how bad she wanted me. In fairness I wasn't totally honest with her though. I was passing by as a quirky NT, and although I didn't intentionally deceive her, I was definitely behaving the best I could to impress her; I didn't know how to be myself. I didn't know about AS then, and she has since said if she had known I was like this she wouldn't have married me. Later on she said if she had known sooner in our relationship, she would have helped me differently. So to an extent, neither of us married the person we thought they were. However, we both like and love each other very much, in spite of our problems.

I spoke with my wife this morning, and apologized for my behavior, let her know what was going on inside of me, and how I really want her to have a social life. I came to realize a lot of things about why I felt the things I did and how I was reacting to those feelings. You all helped give me some badly needed perspective. She is going to have this NT man friend, and I'm going to respect that because I trust her implicitly, and want her to have friends. Thanks for helping everyone. Maybe I'll come back to the couch about something else soon, lol.


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diniesaur
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01 Apr 2012, 1:14 pm

Aharon wrote:
I spoke with my wife this morning, and apologized for my behavior, let her know what was going on inside of me, and how I really want her to have a social life. I came to realize a lot of things about why I felt the things I did and how I was reacting to those feelings. You all helped give me some badly needed perspective. She is going to have this NT man friend, and I'm going to respect that because I trust her implicitly, and want her to have friends. Thanks for helping everyone. Maybe I'll come back to the couch about something else soon, lol.


Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm so glad that you're working past your problems. That is one of the marks of a healthy relationship. I'm glad you chose this!



AnonymousAnonymous
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01 Apr 2012, 4:06 pm

I don't see what would be the problem with it.


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Kaufmancab51
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01 Apr 2012, 10:54 pm

there's got to be at least some kind of breathing room and flexibility in a relationship. Sometimes being clingy and insecure is a huge turnoff...



tronist
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01 Apr 2012, 11:04 pm

why dont you befriend this person?

if you befriend a guy he is much less likely to cheat with your GF. which is the whole issue, id imagine.



hyperlexian
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01 Apr 2012, 11:07 pm

if there is no infidelity and you are certain of that, then why does it bother you for her to have male friends? i think that maybe it could help you to really dig deeply inside yourself and expose whatever is causing the insecurity. it can't really be a rational fear if she is absolutely not cheating. unless it's emotional infidelity that bothers you? (i don't actually understand what emotional infidelity is, but apparently it bothers some people).

for my part, i get very jealous when i feel like my relationship is a bit wobbly, or if i feel uncertain of my mate's feelings, or if i am worried about infidelity. but once i am feeling solid in a relationship, i don't feel as jealous because i am not worried about the status of our connection. in a secure stage like that, i lose most of the jealousy as it is no longer logical.

i think most people are like that - either they are jealous when there is a REASON to be jealous, or their insecurity is illogical and could be dealt with accordingly.


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OddFinn
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02 Apr 2012, 1:31 am

Sure, it's ok. I don't own her and she doesn't own me.

Many cases of domestic violence share one common thing, namely the victim not having many friends. Isolation can lead to twisted views of what is a "normal" relationship.

I would be worried, is a person had no friends at all.


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Tim_Tex
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02 Apr 2012, 2:37 am

I have no problem with a partner having opposite-sex friends, or even being friends with their exes.

However, there is one (probably former) friend I have who has closed herself off from friends (of both genders) and even her family because she is afraid her husband will leave. Last I heard from her, she was working as a part-time instructor, and wouldn't even let her students contact her if they needed help on an assignment.

Other equally strange views she had regarding relationships include:

1. Asking for advice/help indicates a lack of direction or an inability to communicate.

2. Needing emotional support indicates emotional instability and drama.

3. Relationships should be free of burdens, inconveniences, change, or uncertainty. She doesn't trust herself not to cheat if any of those things occur.

4. Asking for advice at first, then knowing how to do things from there on out constitutes an attempt to intentionally deceive her. In other words, you have to know what to ask without asking for advice first, from the beginning.

5. Telephones, e-mail, and instant messaging are not valid forms of communication, because you "can't know how someone is feeling" with those media.

6. If she puts conditions on a potential relationship and refuses to compromise on them, and it's totally beyond your control (i.e. left entirely to chance), and you decide to wait and see if the conditions will be met, you are a follower (as opposed to a leader) with a weak personality.

7. She expects everybody not to be affected by her actions, regardless of how crazy they are.

8. If at any time you contest those views, you are a manipulator.


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Aharon
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02 Apr 2012, 4:39 am

tronist wrote:
why dont you befriend this person?

if you befriend a guy he is much less likely to cheat with your GF. which is the whole issue, id imagine.


Yeah we talked about this yesterday and I'm going to make a point for us all to go do something together. I personally am not interested, but I'll do it for my wife, and getting to know him, seeing them interact may help me with whatever psychological/hormonal/emotional reactions I'm dealing with.


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We are not so different from potted plants in that, if given everything we need to be properly nourished, the outcome can be incredibly contrary to when we are not. A flower won't grow in flour, and neither can we.