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Vito
Snowy Owl
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07 Apr 2012, 3:33 pm

Ok, I have a question regarding eye contact. Very recently I met a girl (we went out only once for now) and I think, there is a mutual romantic interest. However, I experienced difficulties with eye contact; she kept gazing into my eyes for a quite long time, which I found somehow uncomfortable, especially because I had no idea, where should I look.....Should I switch between one eye and another? Or look at the top of her nose? Or try to look in the space "behind" her???

Please help, I need to know.....I do not want to look like total fool next time.....



zooguy
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07 Apr 2012, 3:45 pm

Just my thoughts - if you're not comfortable looking into her eyes you will not be comfortable around her enough which will cause tention which will make a mess - not want you want to hear I know - been there done that - we're aspies - doesn't mean that it want work it's just my thoughts - anything and every thing is possible



Jutta412
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07 Apr 2012, 4:19 pm

Maybe she doesn't care where you look-- or likes your "shy eyes"...



Ann2011
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07 Apr 2012, 4:36 pm

Does she know you have Asperger's? My boyfriend knows that I rarely make eye contact and it doesn't bother him.



Vito
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07 Apr 2012, 4:54 pm

yeah, she's aware of my Aspieness; I even think that she finds my awkwardness attractive (she seems to have a really caring personality). Still I would like to somehow figure out this eye contact thing, because it is a bit uncomfortable not to know where to look....



Mus
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07 Apr 2012, 5:07 pm

When I was first learning, I looked at the space between their eyes. Now it's more natural. But it's an important skill to learn. It causes A LOT of anxiety at first.

Be sure to tell the person that this is an issue for you--that looking in the eyes causes anxiety and you want to work to improve that. That is actually all it takes to make the situation less anxiety-proving. I promise. It's strange how it's that simple of a thing to do, but telling the person really does help.



fraac
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07 Apr 2012, 5:21 pm

Doesn't it feel somethingy? If you like her you'll want to look in her eyes because you'll enjoy the intensity. Until then don't worry about faking it.



Ann2011
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07 Apr 2012, 6:02 pm

I usually look down or at my hands and occasionally glance up. When I do make eye contact it is spontaneous and doesn't last for long. It is very intense.



awriterswindow
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07 Apr 2012, 6:12 pm

My boyfriend is an Aspie and I don't mind that he needs to look away during conversations. I get why you'd want to be able to return the gesture, though. Maybe if you pick a spot like the space between her eyes, or something similar, you can start there. I think it's great that she knows about you being an Aspie and is caring...seems like she will be patient enough to allow you to work through this.



Mus
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07 Apr 2012, 6:25 pm

fraac wrote:
If you like her you'll want to look in her eyes because you'll enjoy the intensity.


No, this is not true. I can't speak for all people with Asperger's, but at least for me, there is no conditional statement ("If...then") involved. Looking people in the eye--regardless of context--is always anxiety-proving. I never enjoy it, but I have learned to do it by years of practice.



fraac
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07 Apr 2012, 6:33 pm

Blimey. No wonder so many of you struggle with love and dating if you aren't thrilled by the intensity of eye contact with someone you like.



AScomposer13413
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07 Apr 2012, 6:44 pm

fraac wrote:
Blimey. No wonder so many of you struggle with love and dating if you aren't thrilled by the intensity of eye contact with someone you like.


For me, it's more "too much thrill! Turn it off!!" rather than "They're looking at me! What am I supposed to do?". It's getting better, but there's the odd time out where there's problems :?



Mus
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07 Apr 2012, 8:12 pm

fraac wrote:
Blimey. No wonder so many of you struggle with love and dating if you aren't thrilled by the intensity of eye contact with someone you like.


Labeling people that way "so many of you" tends to "otherize" and turn people away. Let's try to avoid that. We can discuss our lives and experiences without being so exclusionary. Thanks! :)



Joker
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07 Apr 2012, 9:02 pm

I struggle with reading eye contact if I could learn to read it then I would have mastered reading body language 8)



fraac
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07 Apr 2012, 9:08 pm

Mus wrote:
fraac wrote:
Blimey. No wonder so many of you struggle with love and dating if you aren't thrilled by the intensity of eye contact with someone you like.


Labeling people that way "so many of you" tends to "otherize" and turn people away. Let's try to avoid that. We can discuss our lives and experiences without being so exclusionary. Thanks! :)


I don't know a polite way to put it. As ASComposer13413 says, it's a thrill. It's meant to be a thrill. How much you can enjoy the intensity is the question. But if you aren't feeling the thrill why would you be near other people?



CrinklyCrustacean
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07 Apr 2012, 9:26 pm

fraac wrote:
I don't know a polite way to put it. As ASComposer13413 says, it's a thrill. It's meant to be a thrill. How much you can enjoy the intensity is the question. But if you aren't feeling the thrill why would you be near other people?

Because there are other factors involved with wanting to be "close" to other people: total trust, feeling safe, being on the same level, and so on. It's not all about eyes and kisses.