Advice on telling her I want a "love" relationship

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thewhitrbbit
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20 Jun 2012, 7:25 am

MyFutureSelfnMe wrote:
Yeah but don't try to nail down a date yet. She doesn't know what she'll be doing in 3 weeks.

If the England thing turns out to be BS, never talk to her again and forget about her.


Sound Advice



ObamaGoesPostal
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20 Jun 2012, 8:02 am

I asked her if she wanted to hang out after she has come home, but she has not answered (it's been some hours). I actually just think she doesn't want anything to do with me, figures.



MyFutureSelfnMe
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20 Jun 2012, 11:24 am

ObamaGoesPostal wrote:
I asked her if she wanted to hang out after she has come home, but she has not answered (it's been some hours). I actually just think she doesn't want anything to do with me, figures.


Try not to get too wrapped up in it, women are unpredictable and you'll just drive yourself crazy. Go play Halo or something.



ObamaGoesPostal
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20 Jun 2012, 12:02 pm

I've gotten over things like that before, but this will be a long and lonely summer where all I will do is think about her, my avatar describes quite well how I'm feeling right now. I'll cope.

I actually prefer going to school rather than having summer break (even though it's not going well with the grades and all), because I get to meet people. In summer break it's too lonely, I do have friends but it's hard getting there (I live outside of town) with no-one being able to drive and all, and all my friends want to do is go out "bathing", I hate that. At least in school I get to meet people.

But still, thanks for the help people, it was worth a try, wasn't it? Some people say "never give up" but in this case I think that's the only option, especially when you are as socially incompetent as you are with Asperger's. I'll probably hang around here some more. :)

Here I am on SAS if anyone wants to add me:

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/for ... tal-49638/



MyFutureSelfnMe
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20 Jun 2012, 5:14 pm

Anyone who tells you "never give up" in a case like this watches far too many movies. Persistence is one thing, maintaining your sanity is another.



ObamaGoesPostal
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21 Jun 2012, 7:46 am

MyFutureSelfnMe wrote:
Anyone who tells you "never give up" in a case like this watches far too many movies. Persistence is one thing, maintaining your sanity is another.

Right on, thanks for your superb advice. I wrote to her that I understood that she didn't want anything to do with me, and that I will leave her alone now. She basically wrote that she got rather surprised that I asked and that we can perhaps go out some time but that she's not going to be at home too much. Interesting now how she wrote she will be in England for two weeks this time and not three weeks like last time.

But there's this weird feeling that she will force herself out with me, which I do not want. If a girl would really like to go out with you, then they would just say yes - am I right?



Monkeybuttorama
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21 Jun 2012, 8:18 am

ObamaGoesPostal wrote:
MyFutureSelfnMe wrote:
Anyone who tells you "never give up" in a case like this watches far too many movies. Persistence is one thing, maintaining your sanity is another.

Right on, thanks for your superb advice. I wrote to her that I understood that she didn't want anything to do with me, and that I will leave her alone now. She basically wrote that she got rather surprised that I asked and that we can perhaps go out some time but that she's not going to be at home too much. Interesting now how she wrote she will be in England for two weeks this time and not three weeks like last time.

But there's this weird feeling that she will force herself out with me, which I do not want. If a girl would really like to go out with you, then they would just say yes - am I right?


Slow down, cowboy. Seriously. Confidence is all about doing what you mean to and then backing off and letting things play out without guidance. Don't worry so much about "I don't know what to read into this situation" because, I promise, you will never be able to completely understand what a statement means; different people with different views mean different things when they say the same phrase. Just let it play out, if she's interested, you'll know soon enough (you likely have many many years ahead of you, what's one day, more or less?)

I will say, as a female, that I am somewhat unnerved when people, especially males, press me for a response/action and I'm not ready to give one. I am more likely to eventually agree to go with someone who offers the invitation and backs off to give me time to consider. I'm far from normal, but I've heard the same from *most* of the reasonably sane women I've asked



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21 Jun 2012, 9:18 am

Yeah, and because she doesn't write that she does want to go out with me (she only writes that we can maybe perhaps go out once she is at home or whatever) that means I should stop taking to her? So waiting is all I can do then? It just feels like she doesn't want anything to do with me, so what should I wait for really? Can't she just say that she doesn't want to go out with me...



MyFutureSelfnMe
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21 Jun 2012, 10:54 am

One of two things is happening. Either she doesn't want to go out with you but doesn't have the balls to say it or she's not sure. In either case, the thing to do next is... nothing. Leave her alone to think about it. Women are always confused, it's entirely likely it's the second thing.



ObamaGoesPostal
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21 Jun 2012, 10:56 am

I think it's the first actually, but yeah I'll just wait.



MyFutureSelfnMe
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21 Jun 2012, 11:00 am

Yeah actually rereading what you wrote, I guess you're right.

There is still a way. If she's reeeeally into, say, Radiohead, you can score two Radiohead tickets and bribe her. If she says yes, you can put on an amazing impression the night you go out, and she could change her mind. It's a long shot though, and it costs money.



ObamaGoesPostal
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21 Jun 2012, 11:12 am

MyFutureSelfnMe wrote:
Yeah actually rereading what you wrote, I guess you're right.

There is still a way. If she's reeeeally into, say, Radiohead, you can score two Radiohead tickets and bribe her. If she says yes, you can put on an amazing impression the night you go out, and she could change her mind. It's a long shot though, and it costs money.

Her favorite bands has already played here in Sweden (or they don't even play here), and we don't live in a big town really so it'd involve some travelling... :P

I don't think there's any hope left really, speaking of Radiohead - there's this quote by them that deals with rejection:

"If you have been rejected many times in your life, then one more rejection isn't going to make much difference. If you're rejected, don't automatically assume it's your fault. The other person may have several reasons for not doing what you're asking her to do: none of it may have anything to do with you. Perhaps the person is busy or not feeling well or genuinely not interested in spending time with you. Rejections are part of everyday life. Don't let them bother you. Keep reaching out to others. When you begin to recieve positive responses, then you are on the right track. It's all a matter of numbers. Count the positive responses and forget about the rejections."

The only thing I can do is forget about it, like so many other things. It will be a little awkward to talk to her once school starts, but whatever.



Boxman108
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21 Jun 2012, 11:30 am

ObamaGoesPostal wrote:
MyFutureSelfnMe wrote:
Yeah actually rereading what you wrote, I guess you're right.

There is still a way. If she's reeeeally into, say, Radiohead, you can score two Radiohead tickets and bribe her. If she says yes, you can put on an amazing impression the night you go out, and she could change her mind. It's a long shot though, and it costs money.

Her favorite bands has already played here in Sweden (or they don't even play here), and we don't live in a big town really so it'd involve some travelling... :P

I don't think there's any hope left really, speaking of Radiohead - there's this quote by them that deals with rejection:

"If you have been rejected many times in your life, then one more rejection isn't going to make much difference. If you're rejected, don't automatically assume it's your fault. The other person may have several reasons for not doing what you're asking her to do: none of it may have anything to do with you. Perhaps the person is busy or not feeling well or genuinely not interested in spending time with you. Rejections are part of everyday life. Don't let them bother you. Keep reaching out to others. When you begin to recieve positive responses, then you are on the right track. It's all a matter of numbers. Count the positive responses and forget about the rejections."

The only thing I can do is forget about it, like so many other things. It will be a little awkward to talk to her once school starts, but whatever.


The one problem with that is that it disregards your own desires and pretty much teaches you to go with the first person who says yes.


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ObamaGoesPostal
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21 Jun 2012, 11:36 am

That's true, but what else is there to do?



Lorann
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21 Jun 2012, 11:46 am

Dude, One word: CHILL!
Give the girl a chance - don't press. If she is interested and you don't give her space she is gonna run the other way. Trust me on this! (I have found that if a guy is too insistent/needful/pushy before we even go out, that is a major red flag!) Generally, girls like a guy who is interested but not overly demanding about making plans for weeks away. Try to make it casual. and don't press when she can't be specific right now.
Relax and find something fun to do while she's gone - that way when you get together you will have something interesting to chat about and if it doesn't work out you will have something to chat about with another girl...
Your profile says you're 15 - that's way too young to be getting this stressed about what you 'think' her motives are. Maybe she really is going to England, maybe her plans have changed from 3 weeks to 2 weeks, maybe she is interested but getting a bit confused/freaked because you're pressuring her... Let this work itself out - give it time - be patient and above all - find something to do while she's gone! The time will pass more quickly and you will be adding to your 'things to talk about' file.