I may be forfeiting my "nice guy" title.

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Chronos
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20 Jul 2012, 12:42 am

DNForrest wrote:
For those of you who don't frequent the Haven, here's a link to what happened to me a week ago today:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt204117.html

I'm feeling slightly better (able to eat and sleep normally), but I came to a realization yesterday: I may never be able to have a serious relationship again. Or, at least, not for several years. I feel like I'm going to be unable to have any meaningful relationships, because I'm going to be constantly thinking that maybe, just maybe, the woman who dumped me might take me back. I really do hope I'll be able to find someone at least as amazing as she is, but I'm a stereotypical nice guy (not to mention the whole Asperger's thing), and it took me 28 years to be lucky enough to stumble into the relationship with her. And as much as I hate the thought of emotionally hurting other women, I think I could very well turn into the type of as*hole that they loathe.

Anyone have any experiences similar to this?


Let's put this in perspective.

1. You met a girl who was nice to you, had a great personality, and you shared a few things in common with, and so you found her physically and emotionally attractive.

2. You struck up a lose relationship with her, and later pursued a more serious relationship with her.

3. She initially responded in such a way that you guessed she wasn't interested....not carrying online conversations, posting photos of her ex, etc.

4. You abandoned your efforts, and then at a later date she contacted you out of the blue and seemed agreeable to a potential relationship.

5. You spent a significant amount of time together over the next few weeks and you thought things were going well, though there were indicators that she might not have reciprocated the feelings you had for her.

6. Eventually it came to pass that she indeed did not reciprocate those feelings and just wanted to be friends.

7. You were emotionally jolted by this rejection.

8. Now you are considering emotionally hurting (innocent people who happen to be) women because you've been hurt by women.


Let's try to see it from her perspective....we will need to speculate a little so this might not be 100% accurate.

1. She saw a guy at a science fair who she thought was physically attractive (or maybe she thought he looked familiar?)

2. A few months later that same guy ended up in her yoga class and a few other classes.

3. An acquaintanceship ensued (Her intentions are likely of an undecided nature at this point).

4. Plans are made to meet up but schedules prevent this. (It might be no consequence to her because you are just acquaintances, if she had romantic interests she might figure it's just not meant to be, or she might be relieved because she thinks you might interested but doesn't think she's interested in you and doesn't want to have to tell you because she knows it will hurt you and/or could endanger her, or if she is wrong it will make her look like a presumptuous snob)

5. She lost touch and life went on.

6. Around Halloween she decides to post a photo of her (ex?) boyfriend. (We don't know the reason). She is not aware of the effect this has on the man she met in yoga class.

7. She starts getting messages from this man some time later. (for whatever reason....life/relationship issues?) she is not interested in pursuing any type of relationship with him, but responds because she doesn't want to be rude.

8. The guy gets a hint and backs off.

9. For some reason she starts to have second thoughts. Maybe she was ready for a relationship again and in retrospect felt she was too fast to judge him. Maybe her friends or family told her that her past relationships have failed because she doesn't give guys a chance. Either way, she decides to contact this guy and get to know him a little better...maybe he might be the one she can feel an attachment.

10. She learns more about this guy and thinks he's a good person. She tries hard to feel a connection to him as more than friends but she can't. She doesn't know if it just takes her longer to feel this type of thing, or if she just doesn't have the capacity to feel that way.

11. Eventually she acknowledges that she does not have romantic feelings for this guy, despite her efforts. She can't continue the relationship with him but doesn't want to hurt him because he didn't do anything wrong and she does enjoy being with him, she just can't be more than a friend. So she eventually tells him, hoping he will understand.


You see, the vast majority of the time in these situations, the last thing a woman wants to do is hurt the guy. People don't choose who they are attracted to and why, they just acknowledge whether or not they feel an attraction.

If you are of the mentality "I'm going to hurt women because women hurt me" then you are intentionally hurting innocent people. There is a big difference between intentionally hurting people and unintentionally hurting someone. Additionally, one of those women that you wage your war on might have been the woman for you.

Men and women who have been hurt by the opposite sex, who take on such hostile mentalities essentially exclude themselves from obtaining the very thing in life they want the most. A soul mate.

I'm very sorry for your emotional loss but I do not think innocent women deserve the injustice you are considering bringing upon them, nor do I think you deserve the injustice you are considering bringing upon yourself.

I think if you realize that the whole of women are not your enemy, and leave yourself open to forming relationships, you will eventually find that special person, because you have demonstrated that one, you can get a girlfriend (many here cannot), and two, you have the capacity to forge emotional connections.

That's a lot more than most people here having going for them, myself included.



DogsWithoutHorses
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20 Jul 2012, 12:54 am

@chronos
that was an awesome breakdown


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20 Jul 2012, 12:58 am

DNForrest wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
DNForrest wrote:
MXH wrote:
While ill admit that does suck, i am left wondering why you feel you must or even will forfeit that title


The willingness to emotionally harm other women for my own potential gain.


Becoming just as bad as females who emotionally harm men for their own potential gain is supposed to solve something? all that would do is prove you're just as bad as they are.


Read my original post (in this thread), all of it. This is exactly what I DON'T want to become. However, I may now be "damaged goods" because of the breakup, and may have a hard time connecting on a deeper level with other women because of it. And, unless they somehow manage to surpass her, I could see myself dumping them and emotionally harming them in an attempt to reconnect with my ex. Again, this is what I don't want to happen, but I could easily see it happening. However, I'm hoping LadybugS is correct, and I'm just feeling this way because it's so soon after.


Oh I see, that makes a bit more sense...I mean the only thing I can think to do about that is not date someone if you're willing to just toss them aside the instant your ex takes you back if they take you back. But I understand one cannot always know exactly what will happen. I mean the best thing to do is probably move on from your ex before you decide to date again.


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Zinia
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20 Jul 2012, 1:12 am

I have to say in the OP's defense, that the girl could have handled things better. Of course, she's only human, but it really hurts to think someone isn't being honest with you.

Like--she obviously had the paragraph pre-written, and she still didn't indicate anything to him. She tickled him even (which, IMO, unless you're best friends, is very flirtatious).

I mean--it would leave me wondering if it was some kind of test. Did he laugh wrong--and she had two paragraphs written out, one for if he "passed" the test, and one for if he "failed"? "Oh, sorry, you laughed a little wrong when I tickled you--let me go get the pre-written REJECTION slip."

I definitely agree that her behavior doesn't make her a "bad" person--but the OP can learn from it. He can learn how NOT to break up with people (or tell them you want to be friends).

I'm not really understanding what he means about being a "bad boy." I don't know if he's really planning on it, or if he's just worrying about dating another girl because he might not be interested in her, and then he would have to tell her somehow, putting her into the same place he felt himself to be in upon his rejection.

If so, I think that love does hurt sometimes. But you can always learn from the past. How would it have been better for the OP to be rejected? He could still try dating people and just plan the nicest way possible to reject them if he finds he's not ready for a serious relationship--by using his past experience and imagining what the kindest way he could have been rejected was.



The_Face_of_Boo
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20 Jul 2012, 7:11 am

O my, I am shivering....



PastFixations
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20 Jul 2012, 2:35 pm

Well if your a faux nice guy then it's probably for the best.
If you are a truly nice guy who doesn't judge all women to be the same and doesn't treat them badly when they're helping you... then change is a bad thing for you.
I realise that I have been manipulated once because my own perception of women was wrong... maybe even now it's still wrong... that and maybe I am a faux nice guy...


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KenM
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20 Jul 2012, 5:07 pm

In the OP post in the haven section, He said He helped Her move some stuff, and after that She gave Him a shoulder rub and tickled Him a bit. This is sending Him the signal She is interested in Him. Then right after that, She breaks it off with him and tells him they will only be friends right after what I see as intimate physical contact.


I'd be really bitter and be anything but a nice guy after that, too.

No mixed signal there.



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20 Jul 2012, 5:28 pm

"Signals" are non-literal messages understood by one or more parties as having the same meaning.

If she literally indicated non-interest at a later point,
then the prior backrubbing and tickling apparently wasn't a "signal", however someone chose to interpret it-
it was just her flirting.

Kinda mean.


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PastFixations
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20 Jul 2012, 5:43 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
"Signals" are non-literal messages understood by one or more parties as having the same meaning.

If she literally indicated non-interest at a later point,
then the prior backrubbing and tickling apparently wasn't a "signal", however someone chose to interpret it-
it was just her flirting.

Kinda mean.
It does beg the question why when she's not really looking for a relationship with him?


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Chronos
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20 Jul 2012, 8:35 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
"Signals" are non-literal messages understood by one or more parties as having the same meaning.

If she literally indicated non-interest at a later point,
then the prior backrubbing and tickling apparently wasn't a "signal", however someone chose to interpret it-
it was just her flirting.

Kinda mean.


Or it was simply a last attempt to feel something for him. Or perhaps she was just intending to be nice.



sweetcakes
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20 Jul 2012, 11:26 pm

Or shes a total Aspie too!



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21 Jul 2012, 12:16 am

PastFixations wrote:
ValentineWiggin wrote:
"Signals" are non-literal messages understood by one or more parties as having the same meaning.

If she literally indicated non-interest at a later point,
then the prior backrubbing and tickling apparently wasn't a "signal", however someone chose to interpret it-
it was just her flirting.

Kinda mean.
It does beg the question why when she's not really looking for a relationship with him?


Perhaps she required an ego stroke or she was simply attention whoring? There are several factors as to why and the thread creator did not see them because he was naive. An easy mistake to make but at least he can take something and hopefully learn from this experience.



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21 Jul 2012, 1:00 am

I'm feeling starting this thread was a mistake because:

A. Some folks seem intent on replying to the title and not the content/question.

B. There are a crapton of extenuating circumstances involving things about her and her history I'm not at liberty to disclose, and some fairly incorrect assumptions are being made about this ordeal as a result (without them you'd probably be fairly spot on, Chronos, well played, good ma'am).

Whatever, f**k it. Believe what you want to believe. I'm going to go try to refrain from having a meltdown and potentially be glad I had my mom hide my gun from me.