Do other Aspie girls ask guys out?

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Yes - I often make the first move or ask guys out.

Feminism has done a lot of good and has a lot more to do, but the problem is that men are as clueless about their roles in society as we are...they aren't 'allowed' to be 'manly' any more by pursuing women, and they seem to be more scared of rejection than women because we now hold all the cards as it were...yet we women are still supposed to be the ones being chased...

...I just REALLY can't be bothered with waiting around for a guy to make a move, or have him wait too long and not make a move at all...thus, I make the first move and if I can't coax him into asking me out then I ask him out. This often works, unfortunately SOME men still see it as their role to pursue and seem to feel emasculated on some level if you made the first move. *shrugs*

Social rules and norms...they are so messed-up and NT's keep moving the damn goal posts, so better we just do what feels comfortable and in the case of dating we'll find the right person for us when we find the person who doesn't play games and accepts us for our non-conformity.

I do it, but then again I am a guy...but no woman has ever asked me out....but I would like a girl to ask me out.

Haha wow, I am surprised by the answers. I am more like the OP, I used to make moves on guys. But I didn't usually directly ask guys out. I would be very flirty, and suggest that we hang out sometime, though I would not tell them my feelings or say it was a date. Actually, except for my first crush, I told him directly that I liked him. But usually it was just me feeling like I had to make a move first, or the guy wouldn't.

I used to do that all the time. Over half the time I'd get a "yes". When I got a "no" then it was no biggie and I moved on. Whats the worst that can happen in that situation?

Yeah - I'm really enjoying the different responses - it's really interesting because I believe that if you can't communicate your affection for someone using body language, verbal language is the way forward and I don't know how to be flirty or get guys attention through "regular" ways.

Even though I said that I was not very successful, it pays to mention that I live in South Africa where race is a huge issue - and for me in particular it has been quite tough because I don't speak any African languages (but speak German and Japanese) and most people here are not very educated but I have a medical degree. There are lots of other factors here working against me. I also range from being slightly overweight to very overweight - but now I'm into health and fitness, which will probably help in the long run. Am looking forward to leaving South Africa, though - that's going to be great! Plus I'll have the "foreigner bonus"

Most importantly, though - well done to all the girls who ask guys out If you can do it, why not? If you're not comfortable doing it, don't worry - you'll probably gain a lot more confidence as you get older... or you'll learn to do it the typical NT way

In theory,I agree it would seem like an Aspie girl would never ask a guy out in a million years but there may be other advantages to focusing on Aspie women .They may be much more tolerant of our social inadequacies and they will keep giving you opportunities when NT women would have shut things down a long time ago

Most of my relationships and there has been a fair ammount have been started by the Girl asking me out, Personaly I loved it heh, Made me feel alot more attractive and boosted my Ego. The relationships never lasted long mostly due to me seeming "Detatched"((I don't see the point in replying to every single txt, or meeting up every day.)). Still Girls with inititive, hot.

True, but I've only met two women who I suspect were Aspies. Unfortunately, I couldn't look past the fact that not only were both seriously overweight (bordering on morbidly obese) but they seemed to put little effort into bettering themselves. I'm no health nut but I spent a lot of effort to lose a significant amount of fat and weight this summer and maintain a healthier and active lifestyle and would expect them to at least make an honest attempt. What's strange is that the obvious Aspie (or most likely Autie) girl is well liked for some reason.

To be fair, one did try to get to know me via eHarmony (didn't see any compatible interests or goals so I closed the match) but that's a far cry from asking me out.

The women whom you might be compatible with wouldn't necessarily have to be Aspies but women who have some of the characteristics of Aspies;shy,socially awkward,quiet ,etc.

Well, the closest I came to a relationship was about 9 years ago and with a girl that was painfully quiet some days and "normal" other days. I simply couldn't understand if she liked me or not because every single time I was ready to give up, she would spontaneously decide to open up. I finally gave up when I invited my entire department at work over for a BBQ and one of those people was her sister, so I knew she would be comfortable coming. She came, seemed to enjoy herself and thanked me for having her over but never mentioned it again. I still to this day can't figure out if she was turned off or just painfully shy. To further complicate things, we used to talk for hours but she never really expressed a lot of interest in my life. Whether she was truly not interested or just trying to be polite and respectful I'll never know. Granted, I should have just asked her out but her sister never even hinted that she was interested and the sister knew me very well (and how shy I was back then).

There is another girl who is not Aspie but is definitely somewhat reserved and mildly socially awkward because she's so intelligent. We talked a lot at work (we were very distant co-workers) and seemed to have almost everything in common. When I saw her on a dating site I was very excited: I had no idea she was single or I would have asked her out on the spot. I worked up by courage to asked her out (via online) and not only did she not respond but blocked me and pulled all her pictures. Someone told me she was likely just embarrassed to be seen on a dating site but isn't that the whole $#@$# purpose of being there in the first place?!

So, in theory you would be correct but my experience with like minded women has been nothing but negative. Then again, that would apply to all women as well I would have assumed that women at 30 who really want kids would at least take a second look at me given how highly skilled I am with children (and both these women knew it) but apparently not.

@GiantHockeyFan

What is interesting about your story is that you never asked the first girl how she felt - of course you can't figure out how she felt - you would have to ask. Yes, it is a bit uncomfortable putting yourself out there, but if you don't do it, you'll never know and will be continued to be baffled by the opposite sex. You say that she didn't open up, but it sounds like you didn't extend beyond your comfort zones either.

With the second girl, maybe she put up that dating profile a long time ago and forgot about it - or maybe she is not interested in dating anymore - and I doubt she just blocked you, she probably de-registered from the dating site. Again, you didn't follow up and ask her.

Lastly, being skilled with children is not a quality that makes you a good boyfriend. I am turning 30 in a few days and I don't want kids, so granted, I may be biased, so get opinions from other girls, but the bottom line is that I think most women would like to date someone they feel comfortable with, someone they can open up to and who opens up to them, who can be honest and treat them with respect. Focus on the relationship basics, because being good with children is one thing, but being a good potential mate is something else entirely. In fact, I'm not sure you even got to the point of asking what it was that these women wanted from a relationship - you sound like you made a lot of assumptions, and all I'm saying is maybe try a different approach and you will find more luck.

Thank you for the thoughtful reply. Let me expand on what you have said:

I can't disagree with you there. Of course, this was years ago when I was much younger, much more naive (didn't have a clue about AS or that women actually thought differently than men) and I probably should have just asked her outright rather than try to do something I now realize is very hard for me to do (read emotions). Remember that I was 20 years old and not far removed from school where expressing interest in a girl caused them to scream and run in terror since I wasn't part of the popular crowd. Go figure I'll bet half of them would go out with me in a second today but I can't forget what they did in the past. Sorry, got sidetracked there, moving on.....



Good observation but in this case the answer is no. She put it up just a week before and the one picture she eventually provided was a very blurry shot that only someone like me would actually recognize. I actually knew it was her without a picture even though it was the most generic profile on earth at first. I asked for a picture since I refuse to communicate without and when she did the whole blocking happened. Yes, she may have de-registered but the fact is solely because of my communication she ran away. For the record, I was not aggressive, rude, pushy just asked if she would like to chat and gave my email. She already knew me by name so I didn't see anything wrong with that direct approach. There's no point in asking her why because even I'm not that naive and I might say something really stupid since I have developed a bit of a nasty attitude towards snobby women.



Again, I can't disagree with you in any way. What I'm trying to say is that you would think they would at least want to have a date or two at least since women complain it's hard to find a man who actively wants kids. If I'm a terrible boyfriend (and given my insane loyalty and honesty I think I would be) then so be it but I'm not even given a chance by these same women who complain about the lack of honest, genuine men who want kids.

As for making an assumption about these women wanting kids, one made it clear they would and the I saw the other look in a group of kids with a 'I wish I had one of my own' look in her eye. That's not a definite yes, but it's pretty darn close to me. Oh well, I guess they'll be like many other women I know: end up with a Bad Boy who is a terrible father and then try whining to me years later.

Hmmm... the girl with the dating profile provided a blurry picture that only you would recognise? That doesn't sound like someone who wants to actually meet someone... but I don't know her or the situation so all I can say is try not to take it so personally. It obviously made her uncomfortable - regardless of your approach.

But once again - I think you're focusing too much on the kids thing - it's obvious that YOU really want to have children, though. I'm definitely not saying you would be a terrible boyfriend - I think you'd make a pretty good one, but you do need to focus more on what gets relationships started... children are not it.

Sounds like the women you know have some issues though if they end up with bad boys and complain to you about it. Still, you also sound very angry about the whole situation in general - and I can understand why, but it just seems like putting all the focus on what others have done to you, rather than how you handled the situation yourself. And no - women won't date you JUST because you want to have kids - like I said, it would help more if you could find a way to be more comfortable with yourself and learn how to make other people comfortable around you. Perhaps talk more about your feelings, thoughts and intentions and ask about theirs *in relation to you, specifically*, not in a general broad sense. I'm no expert, of course, but your attitude towards the situation just seems like a bigger factor in the whole situation than you appear to realise.

And as you have seen from the thread - there are several women who ask guys out - send us PMs and ask what it is that makes us ask guys out and try to work on those things... or again, talk to women you know about it and see what their opinion is. I personally ask guys out on the basis of their level of intellect - I need a really high level of mental stimulation and very few guys can keep up so it is quite easy to identify people whom I think are potentials. But I also know exactly why I haven't got good results, and I'm taking a huge time out to work on all of those things - relationships are a two-way street and I'm prepared to do my bit in making them happen.

Thank you again for giving me something to think about and I'm sure other men will have similar issues to me. Let me first say that woman "B" might have been scared or ashamed of online dating but I don't understand why. Do they think online men are all serial killers or stalkers even though they are extremely rare? She knows how I am, that I'm trustworthy and that I'm very loyal and conscientious at work. Of course, what aggravates me is how many women told me my profile said too much and spoiled the mystery (even though I can assure you it did not!) so you can't win either way. It sounds like the same advice I got from job counselors: have a resume that's just like everyone else. That's why I've given up on online dating: women there generally seem to expect perfection and it's no fun walking on eggshells day in day out because they'll misinterpret one word you say out of 10,000. You are right in that I take EVERYTHING personally and have blown up a few times on people when they have just had a bad day and taken it out on me. Stems from being bullied constantly for years I suppose. That is, if you don't fight back immediately and swiftly, people will walk over you and make you a target. Again, I'm drifting off topic but that's why I am the way I am although it's fair to point out that adults are not Junior High kids.

Again, I understand you are essentially saying to just be myself and not try to force relationships but when I was relaxed and myself I was also getting no results whatsoever either. I just find it frustrating that like a job interview, if they ask for X I'll point out that I have X but that's considered a bad thing. I suppose it's my emotional immaturity showing but if I see someone doing something dangerous I'm going to speak up but if they ignore me I'm not going to rescue them. I'll drop you a PM to continue this because we obviously have a lot to talk about but I wanted to post this publicly for the benefit of the WP community.

Yes, feel free to PM me.

I don't know what the perspectives are around online dating because I haven't been particularly successful - as per the reasons I have given above, some people did find my picture attractive, but were not of the correct level of education and we normally didn't speak the same language (literally - I only speak English and there are 13 official languages here). In fact, to be honest, SA dating sites didn't have anyone of an appropriate level of education for me to date!

I'm not saying don't force relationships, nor am I saying be yourself - I'm saying work on the things that get relationships started. I had to get a bunch of books and read up to learn what those things are, and even then the biggest one for women is making eye contact and I simply can't do that - so I am saving up and going back to University so that I can be in a social environment where I feel more comfortable talking to people, but more importantly, where I will automatically have something in common with other people there, which will make it easier for me to get to know people because we will have similar things to talk about (like contemporary physics and maths - no real-world people want to discuss that stuff at leisure). Some changes, on the other hand, I am willing to make, like working on my physical appearance - I don't do the make-up thing, I don't go to hairdressers, and I'm not into fashion but I am overweight and going to a country where everyone is pretty small, so I decided to get into bodybuilding about a year ago to get my body in shape and build some muscle.

In other words, although there are things about myself that I can't change, there are some that I can in order to make me more successful at getting into relationships. I have a whole other set of books on what to do IN relationships as well. These are the things that all Aspies seem to struggle with (particularly getting into relationships), but there are so many different ways of going about it. I hope you take time out to focus on working on your "problem area" (by this, I simply mean the difficulty you are having with initiating relationships) and hopefully get to the point where you feel comfortable asking people about what they think and feel about you, which will help you move to the next level of actually entering into relationships with them. When I asked other women why I am not in a relationship, their usual response was "You're too smart, you need to act more stupid". How ridiculous is that?! So I had to go and do my own research on how to initiate relationships - because I also (similar to you and the kids thing) thought that guys would be thrilled if a girl asked them out and would immediately say yes - but that is not the case, so I've gone further than just that. Having the guts to ask a guy out will, of course, be a later asset, but right now there are other things to work on.

It's not that you're too smart.

If you make a guy feel bad about himself because he simply can't keep up with you, many of them don't want to date someone who makes them feel bad about themselves. It's that simple - you can call it stupid or illogical if you want, but people in general do not like to hang around others who make them feel bad about themselves, and that aspect markedly increases when you are talking about dating, especially in the early stages of dating or a relationship.

Sometimes you can't stop that from happening - I know I often talk above others capablities of understanding, even when I am actively trying to keep it simple and within the realms of general knowledge.

But sometimes you can stop it from happening - if you know somebody doesn't understand a topic or has no interest in it and you choose to continue anyway rather than changing the subject, or if you are being condesending because someone does not know something (subtle parts which show in your atttitude which you may think but not say, that still come accross as rude). Those things are within your control, and you can change them.