Do other Aspie girls ask guys out?

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saraip
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30 Aug 2012, 5:21 am

Yes, feel free to PM me.

I don't know what the perspectives are around online dating because I haven't been particularly successful - as per the reasons I have given above, some people did find my picture attractive, but were not of the correct level of education and we normally didn't speak the same language (literally - I only speak English and there are 13 official languages here). In fact, to be honest, SA dating sites didn't have anyone of an appropriate level of education for me to date!

I'm not saying don't force relationships, nor am I saying be yourself - I'm saying work on the things that get relationships started. I had to get a bunch of books and read up to learn what those things are, and even then the biggest one for women is making eye contact and I simply can't do that - so I am saving up and going back to University so that I can be in a social environment where I feel more comfortable talking to people, but more importantly, where I will automatically have something in common with other people there, which will make it easier for me to get to know people because we will have similar things to talk about (like contemporary physics and maths - no real-world people want to discuss that stuff at leisure). Some changes, on the other hand, I am willing to make, like working on my physical appearance - I don't do the make-up thing, I don't go to hairdressers, and I'm not into fashion but I am overweight and going to a country where everyone is pretty small, so I decided to get into bodybuilding about a year ago to get my body in shape and build some muscle.

In other words, although there are things about myself that I can't change, there are some that I can in order to make me more successful at getting into relationships. I have a whole other set of books on what to do IN relationships as well. These are the things that all Aspies seem to struggle with (particularly getting into relationships), but there are so many different ways of going about it. I hope you take time out to focus on working on your "problem area" (by this, I simply mean the difficulty you are having with initiating relationships) and hopefully get to the point where you feel comfortable asking people about what they think and feel about you, which will help you move to the next level of actually entering into relationships with them. When I asked other women why I am not in a relationship, their usual response was "You're too smart, you need to act more stupid". How ridiculous is that?! So I had to go and do my own research on how to initiate relationships - because I also (similar to you and the kids thing) thought that guys would be thrilled if a girl asked them out and would immediately say yes - but that is not the case, so I've gone further than just that. Having the guts to ask a guy out will, of course, be a later asset, but right now there are other things to work on.



Kjas
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30 Aug 2012, 5:46 am

It's not that you're too smart.

If you make a guy feel bad about himself because he simply can't keep up with you, many of them don't want to date someone who makes them feel bad about themselves. It's that simple - you can call it stupid or illogical if you want, but people in general do not like to hang around others who make them feel bad about themselves, and that aspect markedly increases when you are talking about dating, especially in the early stages of dating or a relationship.

Sometimes you can't stop that from happening - I know I often talk above others capablities of understanding, even when I am actively trying to keep it simple and within the realms of general knowledge.

But sometimes you can stop it from happening - if you know somebody doesn't understand a topic or has no interest in it and you choose to continue anyway rather than changing the subject, or if you are being condesending because someone does not know something (subtle parts which show in your atttitude which you may think but not say, that still come accross as rude). Those things are within your control, and you can change them.


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saraip
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30 Aug 2012, 6:28 am

I probably do come across as condescending without meaning to, but there is a definite difference in my intellectual approach to life. For example, in South Africa, less than 15% of the population has even been to University. I have a medical degree, which is already intimidating to most people, but I have also worked in IT at a design level and taught myself two languages so that I now work freelance from home (as a medical translator), and I taught myself a lot of physics and maths. Very few people here can even cope with that kind of background - most people complete their basic degree, if that, and go to work where they no longer focus on being academic. Even going freelance at this age is intimidating to people.

But I don't see being "too smart" as a problem in any case - it just means I need to be an environment full of people who are smarter than me and I like the sound of that better than not being able to discuss my interests. Sure, I could shut down topics of conversation, but what would I have to talk about if not one of the topics above... probably just exercise! I don't think it pays to hide parts of yourself - if you're smart - just be smart - and in my case the solution is to simply find people who are smarter to socialise with and date. Hence my plan to go back to university and get a few more degrees - this time I'm going for maths, physics and engineering :)



saraip
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30 Aug 2012, 6:42 am

Oh by the way - "studied a medical degree" is my standard way of toning down "I'm a doctor"!



Kjas
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30 Aug 2012, 3:19 pm

I'm not thick - I know what it means and what you're saying.

You may have to consider that you may only be able to talk about one of your topics with someone you date, rather than all of them. As soon as you start imposing standards like you are now, the dating pool becomes incredibly small.

If I made it mandatory for those I dated to be able to challenge me at an intellectual level or even have discussions and debates on such topics that I am interested in, there would be very, very few people for me to date. Instead I make it a general point to ensure that they can grasp concepts, even if only basically, and that is enough for me.

Sometimes such needs as that are better off being filled from friends, other uni students or colleagues rather than depending on your partner to fill that need.
Not every need can or should be filled by our romantic partners. If you have things like that which only a very small percentage of the population can meet, you may need to reconsider how wise it is to include it as mandatory.

It has nothing to do with dumbing yourself down, simply looking at the situation and assessing logically the likelyhood. You can always talk full blast with everyone at uni or at your job, and share the more major things with your partner.


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saraip
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30 Aug 2012, 3:28 pm

I didn't add that because I think you're thick - I added it because it illustrates what you were saying before about toning stuff down - I try to do that. Obviously that didn't come across and I'm sorry about that.

Maybe the real problem is that I don't have anything else to talk about outside of those topics - you say discussing more important things with your partner, and I'm not actually sure what you mean by that - all the things above are what is important to me. Well, maybe I'd add computer and video games. :D It does help that I come here and participate in discussions. And yes, the dating pool is small, but I'm OK with that - I purposefully limit social contact in general because it is unpleasant - and that extends into the area of dating as well. Being in a relationship isn't that important to me - as you can see, I would rather be mentally stimulated and not in a relationship than in one in which I don't get that.

But who knows - we'll have to see when I go to university and actually participate, because the last time I spent all my time in my room! :)



deltafunction
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31 Aug 2012, 6:14 am

Yes, it is hard to find people willing to talk about math and physics outside of the engineering/math/physics/maybe some computer science majors world! Out of curiosity, and if you don't mind me asking, are you planning to pursue a career in these fields after your degree, and why or why not? I'm just wondering because being a doctor, at least in Canada, pays you much more than being an entry level physicist or engineer.



saraip
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31 Aug 2012, 11:21 am

So true - I guess I just have to keep an open mind and see how things go :)
Well, to tell the honest truth, I want to try and apply to be an astronaut when I finish studying - that's the only career I can think of that would warrant having so many varied degrees. A bit far fetched, but that's the idea :)



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31 Aug 2012, 2:36 pm

I asked one guy out before. We went on a few dates after that, but it didn't work out. I don't have a problem with asking guys out, but they have to seem interested in me first. The guy that I asked out was a bit freaked out at first, mostly because he was a really shy NT. Now I'm seeing a different guy who has AS. He asked me on a date, which is a change from last year. Talking to him seems more natural than talking to most NT men for some reason, even though I'm more used to being around NT males.



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18 Sep 2012, 7:32 pm

CrystalStars wrote:
Guys are (generally) expected to make the first move. That's why I'll be alone FOREVER.


yes and make all the other moves to that lead up to exchanging phone numbers and the first couple of dates, people always say that is part of being masculine, part of being a man, seriously, why is knowing what you want and going after it part of being a "Man?" who made that rule, standard?



Evy7
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18 Sep 2012, 8:47 pm

I'm an NT and I asked 2 guys out and have been asked out. But I only ask them out if I'm sure they like me back...I just like to cut to the chase. But if I get a clue that they might reject, then I wouldn't even ask.



WantToHaveALife
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15 Oct 2012, 12:40 pm

Evy7 wrote:
I'm an NT and I asked 2 guys out and have been asked out. But I only ask them out if I'm sure they like me back...I just like to cut to the chase. But if I get a clue that they might reject, then I wouldn't even ask.


wish more girls were like you



DieselMcGunner
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26 Oct 2012, 4:55 pm

I would never be the one to ask a guy out but I'm quite traditional. I'm not girly at all, but I think things are the way they are for a reason, a biological, scientifically valid reason. Men and women are equal but not the same so there should be roles, and as part of those roles, I feel it is the man who should initiate. I would never ask out a guy, although pre actually dating I would/have indicate that I'm interested, otherwise how would they know that I would accept?

But no I wouldn't ask a guy out.



rosemund
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26 Oct 2012, 5:09 pm

Yes, I have asked guys out. I don't know how many, as I haven't kept track. The trouble is, getting to more than one date.

I recently initiated contact with a guy much younger than me, but we went out twice, and he came to my house once (but was ill to the point he ran 101 fever and fell asleep). Then, suddenly...almost nothing. He'd told me he only wanted to date one person, because he was concerned about making himself emotionally vulnerable, and I was willing to go for that. After he was sick, I gave him time to get caught up with his schoolwork (he's late in college), and at his job. His answers to messages became three lines or less, and when he asked my plans for this weekend and suggested a movie he knew we both wanted to see, I told him to let me know when he could make it (as I don't work weekends). That was yesterday morning, and I still haven't heard from him. It's 5:00 pm here, i.e. officially the weekend, and I've accepted that he probably isn't going to get back to me about the movie time.

I've asked two friends, both NTs, one female and one male...neither of them can figure out what I might have done wrong. So this might be the end of my initiating anything with NTs. They're sometimes quite random and inexplicable.



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27 Oct 2012, 6:22 pm

DieselMcGunner wrote:
I would never be the one to ask a guy out but I'm quite traditional. I'm not girly at all, but I think things are the way they are for a reason, a biological, scientifically valid reason. Men and women are equal but not the same so there should be roles, and as part of those roles, I feel it is the man who should initiate. I would never ask out a guy, although pre actually dating I would/have indicate that I'm interested, otherwise how would they know that I would accept?

But no I wouldn't ask a guy out.


typical :x