Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

Is this good advice from my mom?

Page 1 of 1 [ 14 posts ] 

Previous topic | Next topic

Jamesy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Oct 2008
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,020
Location: Near London United Kingdom

26 Sep 2016, 11:16 am

My mom once said to me "you can't make someone interested in you"

Do you think that's good advice or not?



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

26 Sep 2016, 11:29 am

You can't force someone to be interested in you.

However, you can give a good impression, thereby increasing the chances that someone will be interested in you.



Silv
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 7 Apr 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 2

26 Sep 2016, 11:34 am

Someone tell the perfume industry. :mrgreen:

I think it's more complicated than that. There are people who will never be interested in you, who are "just not that in to you". But there are still plenty of people who might be interested in you if you somehow, well, interest them.

Consider that a LOT of effort of both males and females goes into attracting a partner. For example a sharply dressed man is likely to attract more female attention than a sloppily dressed man (and the other way around as well).

I would say "you can't make someone interested in you if there's no potential for them to be interested in you". Unfortunately judging if there's potential is one of the harder things in human courtship which even NT males often struggle with.



Jamesy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Oct 2008
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,020
Location: Near London United Kingdom

26 Sep 2016, 12:35 pm

Silv wrote:
Someone tell the perfume industry. :mrgreen:

I think it's more complicated than that. There are people who will never be interested in you, who are "just not that in to you". But there are still plenty of people who might be interested in you if you somehow, well, interest them.

Consider that a LOT of effort of both males and females goes into attracting a partner. For example a sharply dressed man is likely to attract more female attention than a sloppily dressed man (and the other way around as well).

I would say "you can't make someone interested in you if there's no potential for them to be interested in you". Unfortunately judging if there's potential is one of the harder things in human courtship which even NT males often struggle with.



We find it harder to tell if someone is interested or not.......



hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,054
Location: None

26 Sep 2016, 1:50 pm

Jamesy wrote:
My mom once said to me "you can't make someone interested in you"

Do you think that's good advice or not?


This is correct. You can't.

If someone grows to like you, they must be open to it to begin with. There are some people you would never consider dating (No chemistry with them whatsoever), you know it right away, and it's not going to change.
I think what she means is you can't force it. You have about as much control over it as you have about what someone else does.

If this advice stops someone from being a stalker, I think it's good to give.



Chichikov
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2016
Age: 50
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,151
Location: UK

26 Sep 2016, 2:11 pm

Jamesy wrote:
My mom once said to me "you can't make someone interested in you"

Do you think that's good advice or not?

That is excellent advice.



whatamievendoing
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Aug 2016
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,336
Location: Finland

26 Sep 2016, 2:12 pm

It's not advice. It's a fact.


_________________
“They laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at them because they're all the same.”
― Kurt Cobain


Boxman108
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jan 2012
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,832
Location: NH

26 Sep 2016, 3:25 pm

It's basically her telling you your genes aren't worth passing on.


_________________
About suffering they were never wrong,
The Old Masters: how well they understood
Its human position; how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or
just walking dully along...


hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,054
Location: None

26 Sep 2016, 4:47 pm

Boxman108 wrote:
It's basically her telling you your genes aren't worth passing on.


No it isn't, why are you putting the member down? It's her telling him not to try and force people to like him, because you can't and he will end up getting hurt.



Boxman108
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jan 2012
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,832
Location: NH

26 Sep 2016, 5:03 pm

Well not trying to impress anyone certainly isn't going to do them any favors. It's a general rule for everyone.


_________________
About suffering they were never wrong,
The Old Masters: how well they understood
Its human position; how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or
just walking dully along...


hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,054
Location: None

26 Sep 2016, 5:05 pm

Boxman108 wrote:
Well not trying to impress anyone certainly isn't going to do them any favors. It's a general rule for everyone.


It doesn't mean don't try, it means don't keep trying when they've made it clear they aren't interested.



Jamesy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Oct 2008
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,020
Location: Near London United Kingdom

26 Sep 2016, 7:12 pm

What do you mean exactley by genes not worth passing on?



hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,054
Location: None

27 Sep 2016, 10:22 pm

Boxman108 wrote:
It's basically her telling you your genes aren't worth passing on.


I have had a thought about this. It depends on the emphasis.

"You can't force someone to date you" - Means a person can't pull chemistry out of thin air

"You can't force someone to date you" - Implies that you don't have the skills to

"You can't force someone to date you" - Implies that you aren't worth dating.

To be honest, unless your mother is an awful person, I would say she meant the first one :)



arthur_arcturus
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 29 Sep 2016
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 28

29 Sep 2016, 5:41 pm

"Good advice" and "mom" normally do not go together in the same book let alone in the same sentence, but, largely this is true. If someone is not into you, you can't make them like you. Actually you sort of can, but it's not stable, you won't be able to keep it up, and it will cause you more grief than anything. So no, practically you can't. The good part is that if someone likes you from the beginning, it will be usually quite hard to screw it up and remove that first impression. So the key is to become good at figuring out who likes you. Put all your effort there.