Loneliness - Losing my Mind?

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Kaufmancab51
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05 Sep 2012, 10:58 pm

So it's my second year of college and I finally got a room of my own at the nearby student housing, which is cool.

Have a manageable schedule that isn't anything I cannot handle, cool.

But I feel as if I'm not happy...every time I go to bed at night I feel as if I'm missing something, or someone. Sometimes, before I moved out to this room, I'd be hugging my pillow at night a little more frequently than a couple of times.

I've tried hanging out with other people to ease my mind off of the thoughts, but it's college, and the people you meet will eventually move on to other chapters in their own life.

It's like i'm trying to break some glass barrier that is keeping me from being active and trying to look for someone to be with. I'll walk around to women i know, give 'em the ol' "smile and wave," say a "hey what's going on," and follow it up with an "alright" when applicable, but these thoughts at night about being alone every night and not being able to share the night with someone are starting to drive me insane, and I can't figure out why the hell this is bothering me so much.



simon_says
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06 Sep 2012, 12:55 am

You need to find a way to break out and socialize. There is no easy solution. Push your boundaries and see what you can learn. It may take a while but you'll be thankful for it later.



Kaufmancab51
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06 Sep 2012, 1:25 am

socializing is not the problem, it's trying to put myself out there as "the flirty type" that is a brain buster.



eric76
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06 Sep 2012, 2:48 am

I used to be quite lonely, but I have finally made peace with that and have resigned myself to it. I've completely given up, at least for now.

At least it saves one problem -- I've never been on a date that I wasn't ready for it to be over after only an hour or two.

I always prefer highly intelligent women, but usually ended up with far less than that. The one major exception was pretty mad at me because it was a formal occasion and I wasn't exactly dressed in any kind of formal attire. I think she thought I was dressed more like a clown.



Kaufmancab51
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06 Sep 2012, 7:44 am

i refuse to stop trying. Every time I give up, the mere thought keeps coming back. I can try to occupy myself with whatever the hell I want, but this never goes away.

I want to wrassle with this until I can come up with a better solution.



Sidmor
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06 Sep 2012, 9:02 am

I'd imagine hanging out with other Aspies/Auties would require less acting ("flirty type"). Finding them might turn out to be a tad bit harder though.

I demand aspie-vision now.



simon_says
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06 Sep 2012, 3:31 pm

Kaufmancab51 wrote:
socializing is not the problem, it's trying to put myself out there as "the flirty type" that is a brain buster.


It's the same process. Trial and error. And lots of failure. Better to experiment with people you don't see every single day. Took me years of it.

I became pretty good at just walking up and talking. Be friendly without a motive and try to keep it going longer and longer. When your comfort level is there you might try some compliments of one sort or another. That's really the only flirting I ever learned how to do. I like it because it feels direct and honest and non-gamey. It also doesnt have to mean anything. Anything else I would characterize as a pass. lol.



Surfman
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07 Sep 2012, 9:11 am

There is always paid entertainment. Even if you've got sweaty balls, or skidmarks on your undies, she wont even [appear to]mind.



b9
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07 Sep 2012, 9:33 am

you can never lose your mind,
if you put in a drawer,
then you go out mindlessly,
and see what there's to explore.

after you roam, and when you get home,
you open up the drawer.............
and you .. are ... you once more.

yeah yeah
{inst}

sorry i am trying to frame a musical thought in words and i used this thread as an idea but it is not extremely fruitful regarding lyric generation.



JNathanK
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07 Sep 2012, 4:14 pm

I'll say it again. Stop looking for happiness in validation from others and accept the impermanent nature of things so that your mind is freed up to engage in the moment as it comes and isn't paralyzed your whole life by fear and self doubt. I believe that gaining ones sense of worth from others has been the sole cause of many totalitarian social structures and a lot of suffering throughout history. Its not good. Cultivate happiness and love in yourself first so that you can share it with others. Only you know how to do this, but it can be done. Everyone is capable of this.

Now, I'm not saying to be complacent and to not to put yourself out there and meet people. Its good you're doing it, and you should keep doing it. However, you need to stop carrying this attitude of craving acceptance with you when you are meeting new people. It creates a tension that even us on the Spectrum can pick up on. Its only gonna be more obvious to NT's and hurt your chances with girls. if you are feeling flirty, be flirty. I have to suggest too that your mental emphasis should be less on sex. An over-sexual anxiousness can be a total repellent. I've actually stopped looking at pornography, because of this, and I try to keep my head clean. It should be less about "I wanna do this chick" and more like "She seems interesting, I want to get to know her, I like her hair, I wanna hold her hand, etc". Everything else flows from this I've been finding, at least for me anyway.



Last edited by JNathanK on 07 Sep 2012, 4:38 pm, edited 2 times in total.

JNathanK
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07 Sep 2012, 4:20 pm

Sidmor wrote:
I'd imagine hanging out with other Aspies/Auties would require less acting ("flirty type"). Finding them might turn out to be a tad bit harder though.

I demand aspie-vision now.


I don't really think we aspies can "act" flirty. I think were less capable of it than even NT's. So we have to be very genuine in our flirtiness. How do you be genuine? Well you have to discover your own flirty nature and explore it first, You might land on your face hard a few times, but in the end, I think its a blessing in disguise, because we have to be more truthful with ourselves. There's not as much room for us to be self delusional. Yes, we might get in less unfulfilling relationships than NT's, but that's just a difference between the two types of burdens we have to bare.



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07 Sep 2012, 4:42 pm

Kaufmancab51 wrote:
socializing is not the problem, it's trying to put myself out there as "the flirty type" that is a brain buster.


Why would you want to put yourself out there as something your not, and thus attract people who are attracted to what you are pretending to be than the person you are? unless its one night stands with 'hotties' you're after I would not suggest false advertising. I am not judging but I just cannot see how a good relationship can develop if one of the people in it is only pretending to be a certain way....or worse if both are pretending.

Couldn't you try and meet people through things you enjoy, and things that better reflect the 'type' you are?



unduki
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07 Sep 2012, 4:49 pm

hormones - we are social creatures - this is just for a season - find a distraction

take your pick


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JNathanK
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07 Sep 2012, 5:06 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Kaufmancab51 wrote:
socializing is not the problem, it's trying to put myself out there as "the flirty type" that is a brain buster.


Why would you want to put yourself out there as something your not, and thus attract people who are attracted to what you are pretending to be than the person you are? unless its one night stands with 'hotties' you're after I would not suggest false advertising. I am not judging but I just cannot see how a good relationship can develop if one of the people in it is only pretending to be a certain way....or worse if both are pretending.

Couldn't you try and meet people through things you enjoy, and things that better reflect the 'type' you are?


I agree whole heartedly



Kaufmancab51
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08 Sep 2012, 3:45 pm

JNathanK wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Kaufmancab51 wrote:
socializing is not the problem, it's trying to put myself out there as "the flirty type" that is a brain buster.


Why would you want to put yourself out there as something your not, and thus attract people who are attracted to what you are pretending to be than the person you are? unless its one night stands with 'hotties' you're after I would not suggest false advertising. I am not judging but I just cannot see how a good relationship can develop if one of the people in it is only pretending to be a certain way....or worse if both are pretending.

Couldn't you try and meet people through things you enjoy, and things that better reflect the 'type' you are?


I agree whole heartedly


Myself and the way I am isn't getting the job done. I sit at home and do nothing, I have a one-track mind when it comes to every damn day of my life and it is driving me crazy. I'm constantly in the online world, and when I'm not I go right into school, do what I need to do, and come right back out. I don't want to meet someone online, I want to take a break from this rigid schedule and relax for once in my damn life. The only thing that's stopping me is nobody but myself and my stubborn attitude.

I don't seek happiness in validation from other people. I am a cool person that people want to hang around, but when it comes to hanging out with people (pending the person), there are times when I'm almost a mute or I'm the talk of the party. It varies.

I can't take sitting around this room when I want to change what I do (hanging out with different people other than the same 5 guys every week and actually meeting some women).

What's wrong with trying something different?



wtfid2
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08 Sep 2012, 10:24 pm

Kaufmancab51 wrote:
i refuse to stop trying. Every time I give up, the mere thought keeps coming back. I can try to occupy myself with whatever the hell I want, but this never goes away.

I want to wrassle with this until I can come up with a better solution.
if you're ever in new jersey we should go out and pick up girls :P


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