Moving from dating to relationship

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For those who have made that move from casually dating someone to moving into a formal "relationship", what kind of progression of events usually takes place?

Does one person usually ask something along the lines of "How do you feel about our current association, and would you see value in making this association closer?", or is it typically an unspoken thing that just...kind of happens? I have absolutely no experience here and am curious as to how it has occurred for people here in the past so I can anticipate it if it happens.

I am sure it depends on the individuals involved, but surely there are basic trends that can be observed?

I do not understand these types of subtleties very well. Mentally I put dating and relationships in the same category.

The only way I ever improved my social skills was by trial and error, which made things difficult in the romantic world, because it is harder to find a dozen women to fall in love with you so that you can practice than it is to find a lot of people just to chat with. So usually when I try to have a romantic relationship, I try to make it count, so I don't trust myself to guess what I'm supposed to do. I always ask. I wouldn't want a woman who made me put on an act all the time anyway.

With all 3 of the girlfriends I had, there was not a clear distinction between dating and being in a relationship. I think it usually happened pretty fast if it happened at all. My memory is foggy, but I seem to remember that I usually started out trying to find casual activities to do with the girl for a couple weeks or so, and if it seems like she like me, then I ask would ask her if she wanted a romantic relationship. In fact that is what I always do now, and that is the only thing that has ever worked for me. Although, I am not the most socially skilled person. Maybe there are better tactics.

I think the most important lesson I learned from doing this several times now, is that one should be patient and give the girl room. Whenever I think about being patient with women, I think of how cats always run away if you try to pet them. In my experience, you can't ask a girl to be your girlfriend, the same way you can't tell a cat to let you pet it.. All you can do is let her know that you want to pet her, and then she will decide. Phrasing is important, so that it doesn't sound like you're giving an order. And I think that time where you just hang out, without making any reference to romantic stuff, is also important.

This was an akward one for me. I wanted to take my "dating" status into "relationship" without sounding like a teenager (I was in my early 30s). I struggled over the best way of approaching it and at the end of it, the reaction I got was as if my question/comment was "silly" LOL Not so much about what I wanted (we're married now) but because I turned it into a conversation piece. I think I blushed

I have no advice. Maybe it's meant to be left unspoken. Maybe it depends on the person you're with. Maybe it depends on your comfort zone.

I wouldnt say this though. Sounds wordy. How about something like, "Girlfriend. I think I like the sound of that!" and then smile.
Then again, you may not want to take my advice

No. It has much more to do with actions, activities & time within the relationship than words. This involves spending a large proportion of the couple's free time together; folks in a "relationship" wanting to spend as much time together as possible. They tend to disclose and make plans for the near future together; for example, how each will spend the summer & how to maintain contact if that involves living in different towns. They are intimate; including, but not limited to sex.

As to the sexual component of the relationship; some couples will opt to remain virgins together or the equivalent for non-virgins. (This would of course involve verbal negotiation and agreement.) However there will be a high level of emotional intimacy. For couples who enjoy sex together, those in "relationships" have typically discussed and agreed upon sexual exclusivity or "open arrangements".

If you are interested in advancing your relationship from dating to "in relationship" start by inviting her to spend more time together doing the non-dating parts of your lives. Consider studying, shopping, dining, vacationing, visiting home towns, etc. together.

Rather than saying; 'Can we start doing all of our studying together?', just invite her to study together with you more often. If that turns out to feel satisfactory to both of you, you will naturally fall into the routine of studying together. Relationships develop or not according to the satisfaction of both parties as you start spending more time together.

Allow increasing time together to inform your progress toward relationship rather than trying to define it by asking for verbal commitment to spending large clumps of time together in advance of what has naturally transpired.

I was actually considering making a topic about this very issue. As for advice, I really don't have any because I'm wondering the same. I've been dating someone for the past month or so, but I just don't know how to progress our relationship past what it's at now, even though I get the impression that the attraction is mutual from both of us (she gave me some pretty huge compliments recently, so I know she likes me and all.) Basically we've been meeting up for a 2-4 hour activity every weekend, coupled with the occasional text messages throughout the work week...repeat x5. But as for how to actually move past this stage and build on our relationship, I haven't the faintest!

By the way, I don't want to say that talk is unimportant in relationship. But what I'm saying is that it works best when the talk is in the context of action.

For instance; saying, 'I want to be your boyfriend.' either ardently or playfully during physical foreplay is much more effective and relevant than woodenly asking, "Will you be my girlfriend?' of the girl with whom you have only been on dates, at the dinner table.

This is a great analogy.

Physical/sexual advancement (foreplay) is achieved step by physical step, often over an extended period of time (weeks/months) and sometimes quickly (within one session). Take enough time to receive consent/encouragement/reciprocation (often non-verbal) as you proceed. Chat within the process is more than acceptable.

Last edited by MountainLaurel on 24 Feb 2013, 11:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

Thanks

I seem to have an automatic tendency to not do much, when she shows interest by asking... it's kind of a done deal.

Given the intimacy component, it would be accurate to say the components necessary for a "relationship" to form will just happen and do not need any conscious facilitation? By extension, if they don't happen naturally, then no conscious facilitation will change that?

My concern here is that the cultural "expectation" is that the man takes the lead in proceeding intimacy forward. I suppose I could reveal early that I have Asperger's, or at least reveal that my ability to read nonverbals isn't very good, and hopefully the expectations will shift accordingly, but my understanding is that such "weakness" is a cultural taboo?



This definitely seems like a concrete next step to take, although it still seems like it's in the same domain as "dating": an excuse to get into physical proximity to someone for the purpose of learning about someone's life and whether or not you can relate to the person. The "bridge" to a committed relationship still seems shrouded in a "fog of war" to me.




In other words, if the proportion of time spent with the person increases at a steady rate, then it will ultimately cross an invisible barrier that is not easily defined where the proportion will be large enough to qualify as "relationship"?

I realize I probably sound unromantic as hell in how I analyze it, but I honestly cannot interpret any of this any other way.

This is all an enigma to me, and I really fear inaction or obliviousness could be self-induced obstacles to what should be a pretty straightforward process in theory.

I hear you. I have been "dating" someone for a few weeks. It is waay too early to tell if it will develop into something, but I don't want to be completely oblivious to what is going on if it subconsciously is developing into anything. Such is the nature of uncertainty, I suppose.



I am really wishing that that will happen in my case (her showing interest by asking), but I am not counting on it. My philosophy is and always has been prepare for the worst (or, in this case, the least desirable good) but hope for the best. Learning how to measure progress and see possible ways events can turn out is among my tasks for preparation, assuming it is even possible.

As far as I know, maybe I will surprise myself and just find the answers just subconsciously come naturally, and then spend the hours after wondering how the hell I did it.

Well in my case we just talked about.. we realized we were spending a lot of time together and sleeping together a good bit.. and so we both laid out our requirements for the relationship.. her's was that I didn't just her for casual drug use or cutting herself and mine was that we would be monogamous. From then on we were in a "Non titled monogamous relationship" and for a while we basically never used "Boyfriend" or "Girlfriend" in relation to each other.. we just kinda were always together. But eventually we both started slipping and using those phrases.. and then the whole thing went to s**t and she broke my heart and nearly destroyed me.

Ouch. Nasty ending.

As can be seen here, and judging from my own experiences, it invariably depends on the two individuals in question.

I think there is a time, when it is way too early to formally introduce "titles" to the relationship, however, I am prone to wanting boundaries and definitions set, after a certain while. I have been in a relationship, where according to me, it felt like we were BF/GF, but when discussed (after a year), he had a different opinion. Now it might bear importance that he was an Aspie, and had a reluctance to accept that he would ever again want to be in a "relationship". However, for me, that's exactly what it was. We met up when convenient for both, we were intimate, communicated by email on a daily basis.

Perspectives. Expectations. Fear.

All three involved.

Yes, exactly! But it's not just learning whether or not the two of you can relate; it's actual relating; engaging in the process of relating to one another (and in varied circumstances).



You seem to want answers and definition. That's not how relationship is. It's a continuum of time together and everything that entails; communication, feelings, intentions, actions, reactions.......... Committed relationship comes sometime within the process when both parties feel the desire for it and one has offered commitment & asked for it in return and the other party accepts.



I think the basis of how intimacy is forged is much more biological than cultural.

Typically the woman tends to lead in the emotional area of the intimacy bond. (As the nurturing gender, we are more driven to seek emotional bonding and tend to have developed the interpersonal skills to proceed that area of intimacy forward.)

Men tend to be more sexually driven (the gender biologically driven to plant or even, spread, seed). Yes, the expectation is that he will take the lead in this area; the physical part; physical touching.

For many women who are doing their part in forwarding a relationship, the emotional intimacy; she is waiting for the guy to do his part. Think about it; if you don't do your part and wait for her to do it; how will she know whether you really want her. If she does it all, plays both roles; how on earth can she know what the hell is going on? But she does know this; if she offers sex; any guy (or most) will gladly receive it regardless of his intentions.

We want you guys to take the risk of proceeding the physical intimacy forward. We are taking the risk of proceeding the emotional intimacy forward.

This is what I hear from men who are feeling attraction to a woman; I want to touch her. Their drive to touch is acute; acute enough for them to find ways to proceed the physical intimacy forward and they're willing to do it gradually enough so that they might accomplish it without loosing the woman. We know that takes courage. Courage in men is a great aphrodisiac to women.

Do you want to touch her?

On the brain:

"Women have an eight-lane superhighway for processing emotion, while men have a small country road. Or, to put it another way, men have an international airport for dealing with thoughts about sex, "where women have an airfield nearby that lands small and private planes."

-Dr Luan Brizendine author of "The Female Brain" and "The Male Brain"

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/artic ... study.html