When should one start using terms of endearment?

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nebrets
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08 Nov 2012, 11:16 pm

So I have been talking with a guy for 2-ish weeks and I do not know when/if one should use terms of endearment such as "dear, sweetie, honey, cutie-pie" etc. some of which sound ok-ish and most sound ridiculous. My friends who are married (most of whom are NTs) all have pet names that they use with one another, but I do not know where they decide what name is appropriate, and when they should be in use?

Does one use one if he starts? Do you ask if they have a preferred pet name? Do you have to give them an alternate name?

Any advise would be appreciated.


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Fnord
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08 Nov 2012, 11:18 pm

When it feels natural to do so. Forced "endearments" are easily detected and perceived as insincere.


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nebrets
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08 Nov 2012, 11:33 pm

Fnord wrote:
When it feels natural to do so. Forced "endearments" are easily detected and perceived as insincere.


I do not know what you mean by forced. Many social conventions and behaviors do not seem natural, but I obey them in some situations with more or less success, so that people understand that I am being friendly (waving at people), that I am interested at what they saying (eye contact, mostly at interviews and such things).

However I have also worked out saying a proper greeting regularly where I would not have done it if I did not know what to say and when ("I am fine, thank you. How are you?" after someone says "Hi. How are you?").

I am not wanting to be insincere, but to exhibit the appropriate social cues of a relationship at the proper times.


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Fnord
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09 Nov 2012, 12:09 am

Well, it's possible to be perceived as insincere, even when you are at your most sincere.

An endearment is forced when you express it because you think you have to, or because you think it is appropriate, or because you think it might impress the other person, or because you think the other person is expecting it, or ...

The bottom line is that a sincere act of endearment flows naturally without thinking about it -- it just happens.


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nebrets
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09 Nov 2012, 12:16 am

Fnord wrote:
The bottom line is that a sincere act of endearment flows naturally without thinking about it -- it just happens.


Then is it perfectly alright to never use an endearment?


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Fnord
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09 Nov 2012, 12:20 am

nebrets wrote:
Fnord wrote:
The bottom line is that a sincere act of endearment flows naturally without thinking about it -- it just happens.
Then is it perfectly alright to never use an endearment?

Where did you get that idea?

When expressing any form of endearment, if you have to think about doing it, then you're doing it all wrong.

Simply let it happen.


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Yuzu
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09 Nov 2012, 1:10 am

I've never used any of those terms of endearment because it never felt natural for me to use them.
So I can't give good advice, but maybe you can wait until he starts using one?



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09 Nov 2012, 4:20 am

Not that I'm qualified to advise on this from much personal experience, but I'm pretty certain this is down to what you and your partner feel comfortable with. If it doesn't feel "right" it's probably better not to try and use them. Does it feel like something you want to say? Does seem applicable to your partner and your feelings for him? This can help you know if it's natural for you or not. I.e. do you find him "sweet" or "handsome" - what words describe him and your feelings for him accurately?

But some people just don't use them at all because it's not their kind of language. Or maybe just use them in e-mails and texts but not out loud, or in private but not in public. There's endless possiblities, and certainly no time frame on when they should come into use. Like any other part of your vocabulary - you decide what words to use in the same way to choose your other language, trying to take cues from the person you're addressing.

If you have doubts, could you bring it up with your partner?



yellowtamarin
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09 Nov 2012, 4:48 am

Fnord wrote:
nebrets wrote:
Fnord wrote:
The bottom line is that a sincere act of endearment flows naturally without thinking about it -- it just happens.
Then is it perfectly alright to never use an endearment?

Where did you get that idea?

When expressing any form of endearment, if you have to think about doing it, then you're doing it all wrong.

Simply let it happen.

I think nebrets is suggesting that she may never feel natural about using an endearment, so if it never "just happens", is that okay? My opinion is yes, that's fine. If you don't feel like using them, don't use them. I rarely do.



Bison554
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09 Nov 2012, 5:01 am

I think you should talk to him about it. Keep the conversation lighthearted and you will gather his thoughts on the matter while making you closer as a couple. He will think it's cute.



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09 Nov 2012, 9:19 am

I'm not sure that terms of endearment are actually necessary or expected. Don't feel pressured.

The only term of endearment I ever use is dear. But I also use it when I'm being patronising toward someone I don't like, so it's maybe just a habit.



thewhitrbbit
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09 Nov 2012, 9:44 am

You don't need to have a conservation about using the word honey.

If you like him/her and feel comfortable, just do it.



nebrets
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09 Nov 2012, 4:34 pm

yellowtamarin wrote:
Fnord wrote:
nebrets wrote:
Fnord wrote:
The bottom line is that a sincere act of endearment flows naturally without thinking about it -- it just happens.
Then is it perfectly alright to never use an endearment?

Where did you get that idea?

When expressing any form of endearment, if you have to think about doing it, then you're doing it all wrong.

Simply let it happen.

I think nebrets is suggesting that she may never feel natural about using an endearment, so if it never "just happens", is that okay? My opinion is yes, that's fine. If you don't feel like using them, don't use them. I rarely do.


Yellowtamarin, yes that is what I was trying to convey.

If the consensus is just ask him, no problem. I just know that many people I know get "weird-ed out" when I ask for specific instructions for how a social convention works such as "What should I do to let you know that I am tired of this conversation topic"" or to a friend "How do I address your mom and dad?" or at a dinner "Should I get more food myself or do I need to ask the hostess first?"
I figured I would ask here instead of potentially scaring him off too soon. It seems that my oddities are more tolerated if the other person has known me for a bit, so I am trying to slowly introduce my oddities, such as social unawareness.


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Bison554
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09 Nov 2012, 5:55 pm

Sometimes a little awkwardness is endearing, I say go for it!



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10 Nov 2012, 2:19 am

Even work colleagues call me "dear". But "hun" or "sweetie" I wouldn't like to hear.



nebrets
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10 Nov 2012, 9:15 am

Down in the South United States, hun is fairly common polite speech given too just about every female from a guy and I hate it. I always think of invading Mongolians with Attila the Hun.


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