so what are shy men suppose to do

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CrazyStarlightRedux
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06 Nov 2012, 5:06 pm

Stargazer43 wrote:
Well my friend, you have several options. The first that I would recommend is to start working on self-improvement. Exercise, eat healthy, try to take up some interesting hobbies, get your personal/work life in good shape, and all that jazz. Someone who does all of that will come across as much more interesting to potential partners than someone who doesn't. Maybe read up on a few things too...impress the ladies with your knowledge ;). Another thing I'd recommend is trying online dating. I was personally a bit skeptical of it myself, but I've been having pretty decent success with it. I went from having one date every 5 years to 2-3 a month since I started. Unfortunately it hasn't worked out with any of them yet, but I have met some really nice women through it and if nothing else it does give you that much more opportunity.


This doesn't do much at all...I did all of this, but got no compliments on what I did (and I did this for months btw).

It's all about going out and doing things you enjoy, if someone takes note, then talk to them about your passions...it's how the world works.

The problem with most of us is that we decide to not go out and do this much, since the world is pretty cruel to us (and others) along with fears of all sorts that could happen.


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lennyk
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06 Nov 2012, 8:30 pm

x2
I have done all those "several options", life hasn't changed much for me
sometimes it's simply just not worth the hassle to get disappointed(as expected)



AspieOtaku
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06 Nov 2012, 9:15 pm

Sometimes a few drinks helps calm the nerves and boost comfidance just dont be a staggering drunk lol.


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CrazyStarlightRedux
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07 Nov 2012, 7:00 am

AspieOtaku wrote:
Sometimes a few drinks helps calm the nerves and boost comfidance just dont be a staggering drunk lol.


Some can't flirt well or take it too far (so they seem rape-y).

It's best if you know what you are like drunk before even attempting that.


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bruinsy33
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07 Nov 2012, 8:26 pm

billiscool wrote:
since most women don't want to approach men and how shyness is view as ''weakness''.
So are shy men who are nervous around women just screwed?
What are they suppose to do?. Stay single and not have a relationship?
Some men are not just not good with women, period.
So should shy men just throw in towel becomes monk and live a celebacy lifestyle.
Women are not going to approach these men anytimes soon unless there is
some cert of culture change but I don't think that going to happen.
I have a chances of getting a girlfriend because I can go up and talk to a woman,
but I feel sorry for men who can't even do that and how they get insulted all the time for
not being able to approach a woman.
Perhaps other skills can be utilized to accomplish the goal of a relationship.It is a pipe dream to expect most shy men to be able to approach a woman ,cold and ask her out.That is hard enough for confident men to do let alone a shy guy.However,most men can at least be themselves while pursuing an activity that they enjoy such as exercising or maybe joining a book club.A lack of assertiveness could be overcome through keen observation,in my opinion.In a setting in which shy men are comfortable I think they could pick up on a woman's possible interest and at least engage the woman comfortably.



LKL
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07 Nov 2012, 8:44 pm

find something that you're interested in that you can do with multiple people: open classes at the local university, etc. Don't go with the intent of meeting a woman for romance; go with the intent of meeting /people,/ including women, and you'll figure out that women are not the ferocious creatures that you seem to think that they are.



MXH
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07 Nov 2012, 8:47 pm

LKL wrote:
find something that you're interested in that you can do with multiple people: open classes at the local university, etc. Don't go with the intent of meeting a woman for romance; go with the intent of meeting /people,/ including women, and you'll figure out that women are not the ferocious creatures that you seem to think that they are.


not finding women as threatening does not stop someone shy from not being able to approach. Because it is shyness, not fear, that is stopping him



LKL
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07 Nov 2012, 11:52 pm

If he has trouble approaching women but not men, then he needs to stop thinking of women as something fundamentally different from men for a while - even if that means he disavows looking for a relationship, for a while.



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07 Nov 2012, 11:56 pm

LKL wrote:
If he has trouble approaching women but not men, then he needs to stop thinking of women as something fundamentally different from men for a while - even if that means he disavows looking for a relationship, for a while.

when youre looking for a relationship by definition youre looking for something fundamentally different than when looking for a male friend. What he needs is to become more comfortable in and of himself and of the woman he is approaching.



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08 Nov 2012, 12:03 am

CrazyStarlightRedux wrote:
AspieOtaku wrote:
Sometimes a few drinks helps calm the nerves and boost comfidance just dont be a staggering drunk lol.


Some can't flirt well or take it too far (so they seem rape-y).

It's best if you know what you are like drunk before even attempting that.
I'm a happy goofy flirtacious drunk.


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LKL
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08 Nov 2012, 12:08 am

MXH wrote:
LKL wrote:
If he has trouble approaching women but not men, then he needs to stop thinking of women as something fundamentally different from men for a while - even if that means he disavows looking for a relationship, for a while.

when youre looking for a relationship by definition youre looking for something fundamentally different than when looking for a male friend. What he needs is to become more comfortable in and of himself and of the woman he is approaching.

Yes, and that is a large part of the problem. Very few women are going to want to get with a man who isn't hot, handsome, and fun (ie, good for sex, if nothing else) if they can't at least be friends with him.



MXH
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08 Nov 2012, 12:12 am

LKL wrote:
MXH wrote:
LKL wrote:
If he has trouble approaching women but not men, then he needs to stop thinking of women as something fundamentally different from men for a while - even if that means he disavows looking for a relationship, for a while.

when youre looking for a relationship by definition youre looking for something fundamentally different than when looking for a male friend. What he needs is to become more comfortable in and of himself and of the woman he is approaching.

Yes, and that is a large part of the problem. Very few women are going to want to get with a man who isn't hot, handsome, and fun (ie, good for sex, if nothing else) if they can't at least be friends with him.


Yet we have 3 threads talking about how women also dont like if the guy starts off as friends because they then get the wrong idea of the guy and things cant build on. or they think theyre being used :roll:

You treat potential partners different, end of story.



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08 Nov 2012, 12:25 am

I personally don't treat potential partners any differently, because I'm not going to date a guy until I can trust him (given that he's going to be bigger and stronger than me, I'm quite aware that I am literally trusting him with my life). So I'm not going to date a guy unless we were friends first. Some women (with less of an awareness of personal vulnerability/mortality, or who are simply more brave than me, will be able to date or even sleep with a guy they've never known but think is hot, but I think that this happens a lot less than is portrayed on tv).

Also, a man who is mediocre in appearance can become *very* attractive if I find him to be stable, kind, and intelligent.



mds_02
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08 Nov 2012, 12:37 am

I've seen a lot of women here advise men basically to "stop looking for a relationship, and focus on simple friendships."

Basically what you're advising, LKL.

Problem is, while that may work for women, with the different expectations placed on the genders it just doesn't work for men.

What a guy needs to learn is how to read women's signals. How to tell which ones will be receptive to their advances. And then how to approach without putting them off. A larger social circle won't help with that. Interacting with women on a strictly friendly basis won't help with that.

The only thing way a guy can learn that (unless he's blessed with instinctual social aptitude) is through regular practice.


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LKL
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08 Nov 2012, 12:46 am

Well, practice is a good idea regardless of if I'm right or wrong :)



MXH
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08 Nov 2012, 12:47 am

LKL wrote:
Well, practice is a good idea regardless of if I'm right or wrong :)


practice is expected no matter what. but prcticing something wrong will lead you to mastering something wrong