Enormous mental block when it starts to get romantic

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Hi WrongPlanet First of all, this is my first post on this site. I've recently self-diagnosed myself an aspie (RDOS aspie-quiz score 139, AQ test 35, and generally feeling like I identify with it after learning about aspergers ~6 months ago). I'm hoping to get a professional diagnosis from a psychiatrist (I'm in the UK and not sure how to broach the topic with my GP, but that's for a different thread in a different category of this forum). I'm spending a lot of time lately trying to figure out what traits are aspie traits and what are "mine".

One problem I have had consistently the past few years is that, when I'm with someone I really like romantically, and we're still getting to know each other, I completely freeze up.

I've had a plethora of girls who have liked me (and been nice enough and blunt enough with me to tell me so up straight), and it goes great right up until it gets physical. It's a recurring scenario - I think "I really really like this person" and want to let them know, I want to take the initiative, "all it takes is to kiss them" etc etc - but they always have to work really hard to coax me out of my shell and actually do anything. It's not fear of rejection, as by this point I KNOW they want to do something, and -I- know I want to... But a lot of the time I get super anxious and shut down- I get really quiet, and I fear it comes across as disinterest or coldness towards them, or I just look boring. Meanwhile in my head I'm thinking "Tell them you like them, damnit! Kiss them! DO SOMETHING!" over and over, and I get more and more frustrated with myself, and consequently make myself even more anxious and closed off, and lose the ability to talk completely. It rarely ends well. Usually it ends up with them confused and subsequently losing interest in me. Unless they make the first move, nothing happens.

Last time this happened, I was pretty torn up about it. She is a fellow aspie girl who was really fond of me, and the feelings were/are definitely reciprocated. She spent almost a whole year trying to get my attention (she's really extrovert but still shy), and we hooked up twice shortly before I moved away, mostly because she was very persistent with me. She doesn't have my problem; if she likes someone she does something about it. In fact, she's a very 'heart on the sleeve' sort of person; very able to express her feelings. Recently went to visit her for a weekend, and I completely messed up- because I was in an unfamiliar place with someone I hadn't spoken to in months but still really liked, I completely shut down. I can only describe myself as 'dull and lifeless' that weekend. By the time I had to leave I was so frustrated with myself I was on the verge of a meltdown. She later described the experience as "super weird" and told me she "thinks I'm wonderful but no longer sees me in that way anymore"... Damn. I can see why, it was always pretty one-sided, with her opening up to me long before I ever would, which can only last for so long.

That was the last out of several occasions where I went to see someone who was really into me and I screwed it up through my inaction.

It's something I really don't understand about myself! I know exactly what I want to say and do inside my own head when it comes to romantic situations, but it's like there's this giant subconscious mental wall stopping me! I can quietly reflect on what I should do or say, but when I open my mouth I completely forget it. It makes me feel very selfish because I shouldn't rely on the other person to always make that initial move.

(Actually, it doesn't always happen in romantic situations- I love my family and friends to bits, but I feel awkward as hell telling them so! I'm not much better with written text; as I'm writing this I don't really feel like I'm explaining myself very well. I'm forgetting bits as I write it.)

I really don't get what causes it, I've never had anything bad happen to me to cause me trust issues or problems with intimacy, and yet I shut down like that :\

tl;dr: When it comes to expressing my feelings about another person I feel an attachment to (mostly romantically, sometimes not) I know exactly what to say, but completely lose the ability to say it.

I am wondering whether this is something fairly unique to me, or whether it's caused by a mixture of aspie traits? Does anyone else have, or has had, the same problems as me? Has anyone found ways to solve it, or at least help themselves become less anxious? It's always that "making the first move" I have an issue with. After that I tend to relax more, gain confidence and find it a lot easier to open up.

First off, I totally relate. Quite a while back, way before knowing about Aspergers, I would fake my way through just about every social situation by repeating the inner mantra "it's just a TV show." I was kind of fixated on the idea that, if I could somehow frame what was happening within the context of a sit-com story arc I could keep going to the next 'commercial break' as it were.

Was it a successful strategy? It helped, up until a point. But I couldn't keep it up when things began to get more meaningful.

Somehow I managed to be married for 11 years. Now I'm single again and trying to face down this very same bugbear.

Going out of town to see someone is a very stressful situation. I did that, myself, a couple months ago and had an experience very similar to what you describe. So, yeah, it's a thing.

What to do about it, I'm not so sure. Having the luxury of a longer timeline in which to ease into knowing someone and getting comfortable with them would be nice. I'm not sure how to make that happen, though.

sorry i don't have an answer to your question, but welcome to WP.

THIS. Exactly this. I'm struggling hardcore with this exact issue right now. If it makes you feel any better I can totally relate, but I can't help you.

Also, you pretty much just wrote the story of my life, except I was diagnosed at age 3, and I haven't gotten to the hook-up stage quite yet.

Hmm. Well, if you want to find out for sure if things can go further, I have found that I would lean in to kiss. They lean away, this is the telling sign. They reciprocate and they even put their hands on you as to not push you away, it's a good sign.

It's related to anxiety. Your so focused on your anxiety that it causes you not to act because your over-thinking instead. If you have any other kind of anxiety disorders maybe getting treatment for them would help a little. Perhaps having a couple drinks or taking a benzopine might help you not over-think as much & maybe relax a tad but that should only be done in moderation with caution

Thanks everyone it is really good to hear I'm not alone with this one.

Heh, having a drink I've tried plenty of times :p if I'm in the wrong place (particularly noisy bar etc) it hinders rather than helps. I'm going to look up benzopine.

Over-thinking definitely sounds right. How does one *stop* doing that though...

Thanks everyone it is really good to hear I'm not alone with this one.

Heh, having a drink I've tried plenty of times :p if I'm in the wrong place (particularly noisy bar etc) it hinders rather than helps. I'm going to look up benzopine.

Over-thinking definitely sounds right. How does one *stop* doing that though...

Thanks everyone it is really good to hear I'm not alone with this one.

Heh, having a drink I've tried plenty of times :p if I'm in the wrong place (particularly noisy bar etc) it hinders rather than helps. I'm going to look up benzopine.

Over-thinking definitely sounds right. How does one *stop* doing that though...

That's the very tricky thing. I find I sometimes over-think less when I'm tired; like when I've gotten a bit less sleep than I would normally get; if you want to experiment when you won't be doing anything super important the next day that would require a lot of mental focus or anything. I don't over-think as much nowadays because my anxiety is a lot better. Trying to focus on other things going on in the moment & watching for an opening to say what I want to say helps some too.