he loves me too much but doesn't want a relationship?

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brooonte
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02 Dec 2012, 7:51 pm

Well, there is this man that I fell in love desperately. I've known him for one and a half years. And his flirting was always obvious but somehow I was feeling like he doesn't want a serious relationship with me.

3 months ago I had taken the risk of my life and texted him that I want to come to his place. (I am 27 years old and was still a virgin at that moment so it was a big risk for my standards.. ) When the big day had arrived I went to his home and not surprisingly he told me that he doesn't want a relationship.

Long story short, we had sex. Well actually we couldn't because it was so painful that tears came out from my eyes. I couldn't help it. When he saw me crying he stopped and said that my first time shouldn't be like this.

Then all of a sudden he told me that he was so happy that I am here with him tonight and he wouldn't want anything else right now. As you can assume I was just shocked. Then he told me that he loves me too much. I also told him that I love him. But I didn't open up the relationship thing during the night.

The rest of the night was so romantic. He was hugging me, kissing my hands but we didn't have sex that night. He was hugging me while we were sleeping.

I remember that I was feeling so mixed up in the morning. I knew that I can't keep seeing him like this without a relationship because you know this could kill me. By the way that morning I figured out that my period has just started (it wasn't expected!) and the cramps were so awful. So i decided to dress up while he was sleeping and gave him a goodbye kiss.

He pulled me into the bed. I told him that I don't feel well because of the cramps. He started to kiss me and wanted to have sex with me again. I t was so painful and the cramps were making it even worser. So i told him to stop. He stopped but he was so angry this time. I wanted him to get calm and to talk with him. He said "what is there to talk about?" he also said that it would be better for me to go,after all i was already going.

I told him it shouldn't end like this. He said that it doesn't mean that this is the end. But my heart was so broken that I told him I don't wanna see him again. Because I hoped there could be something between me and him. He again told me that he doesn't want a relationship. I told him I understand. He said he already told me this yesterday and he added he didn't do anything bad to me. I agreed with him, he didn't do anything bad. I was the one who came to his place and wanted to have sex with him. At the end I kissed him on the cheeks and said goodbye. I also told him not to call me (I don't know why I said this, I think I was just so sad at that moment).

It has been 3 months now before all this happened. I still love him and miss him. I know that I can't do anything about this but do you think is it worth still waiting for him.

Thanks and sorry for the language mistakes.



Who_Am_I
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02 Dec 2012, 8:07 pm

So he tried to push you into sex even though you were already in pain and it was hurting you more, then he got angry and subsequently said he didn't want a relationship after it was clear that sex wasn't going to work? What a jerk. He doesn't deserve your feelings.


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CftxP
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02 Dec 2012, 8:34 pm

Though he does sound like a jerk for wanting to do it, I think it was emasculating for him to have to keep stopping because of your cramps, so that part is understood. I think you should tell him that the problem was that being a virgin, it physically hurts to do it. But you should also tell him that you have feelings of love, ask him too, and see where it goes from there. ;)



aspiemike
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02 Dec 2012, 8:37 pm

Everyone has their gut instinct. It is what we use in order to survive and be happy. Use it here. Only you know what to do, everyone here has their advice, but your feelings will help you out here with what you instinctively do.
Secondly, I don't blame you for wanting to walk out there when your period came up unexpectedly. This probably happened because of your first time experience if it was unexpected.



Who_Am_I
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02 Dec 2012, 8:42 pm

CftxP wrote:
Though he does sound like a jerk for wanting to do it, I think it was emasculating for him to have to keep stopping because of your cramps, so that part is understood. I think you should tell him that the problem was that being a virgin, it physically hurts to do it. But you should also tell him that you have feelings of love, ask him too, and see where it goes from there. ;)


He's not a jerk for wanting to do it, but he is a jerk for getting angry, sulky and blaming her for being in pain.

She told him that it hurt

Quote:
I told him that I don't feel well because of the cramps.


and that's the point where he should have stopped. She didn't need to give a reason.


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Authentic cadence: V-I
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Deceptive cadence: V- ANYTHING BUT I ! !! !
Beethoven cadence: V-I-V-I-V-V-V-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I! I! I! I I I


cathylynn
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02 Dec 2012, 9:36 pm

i was engaged to an abusive fellow once. i broke up with him and missed his good points for about a year. i don't regret breaking up with him.



Ilka
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02 Dec 2012, 10:23 pm

He told you he doesnt want a relationship. Twice. No, I do not think you should wait for him. Try to find the courage to move on.



Palakol
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02 Dec 2012, 10:29 pm

Pulled this (with permission) from someone's blog.

I met a girl once, a long time ago. We accidentally crossed each other's paths. I think she actually genuinely liked me for who I am. At the time. She was misunderstood, I understood nothing. She didn't like the world, the world didn't like me. We were societal misfits, and we wiped each other's pain away. Us against the world. It was almost magic; one of the rare instances in history of two wrongs making a right. A near-perfect combination. Mozart & The Whale. But when I f*cked up and she left me, I didn't run after her. I couldn't stand her being miserable with me. I was a drowning swimmer who would inadvertently drag you in if you tried to help me. There were things, needs, that I just had no way of providing. I'm the one who is autistic. This is my misery, and nobody should be shouldering it for me. It did cross my mind though that she could have been my chance, the closest I could have gotten to social fulfillment. To an interpersonal connection. That was as good as it gets for me. But probably at the price of her own happiness. I think she deserved much better than I could ever offer.

I still think about her sometimes. Five years and 56 women later, thoughts of her still spike my heart rate (messing with my cardio session). The past five years I actually wished that I had never met her. I was fine until she came barging into my life and easing her way into my personal space, my own little [relatively] perfect world, and showing me how imperfect it was. She showed me that despite all my imperfections, it was possible for someone else to love me. That if someone looked hard enough, there was a person in me that someone would want to be with. That someone would choose to be with. She made me not want to be alone. Or she showed me that I didn't have to be. She implied that she kept my old dogtags. I hope that she remembers our year together as significant. I hope it mattered to her even a fraction of how much it apparently mattered to me. (Probably not.) I never deserved someone like her. And if I managed to f*ck it all up with an amazing girl like that, with someone who was capable of seeing something good in someone so maladapted, then maybe this whole relationship thing really isn't for me. Maybe I'm not cut out for it. My battle, my life, is to be fought alone, and nobody will even see it fought. My secret war.

I have always been reminded that I am different. Special, if they try to sugarcoat it. From my citizenship and culture, to my last name, to my size, to my color, to the way I think and the way I talk, and just the way I am. Always somewhere in the middle, never really part of anything. I tried to fit in, and was mostly able to do so just enough to avoid trouble. But I was always lost. I had my head in the clouds, and this girl pulled me down to earth and showed me that "you're one of us". She reminded me that I was still part-human. Semi-normal. That I bleed when pricked, that I laugh when tickled, that I die when poisoned. More confusion for me. And it's frustrating that I feel this human loneliness every day, yet I can't seem to do anything about it. Like a bad itch in your heel when your boots are already laced tight. Accidents like her only happen once in a lifetime. I should be thankful for it occurring in the first place. This is the first time that I am actually writing about her. (She is probably the reason I started writing in the first place.) I think that's good. I'm finally moving-on.


Some things just don't fit together, no matter how good they seem in theory. Forget him. He's a chode.


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Last edited by Palakol on 04 Dec 2012, 8:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

curlyfry
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03 Dec 2012, 12:44 am

Your 27 and if he's around the same age he acted very immature.



ColdEyesWarmHeart
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03 Dec 2012, 7:02 am

Sorry to be blunt, but listen to what the man is saying and doing. He's told you he doesn't want a relationship with you, but showed you he is open to having sex with you whenever you offer it. Is that what you want?

And him trying to pull you into bed and have sex with you after you said no, then getting angry with you - that's borderline rapey behaviour.

If I were you I'd let this one go.



brooonte
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03 Dec 2012, 7:37 am

curlyfry wrote:
Your 27 and if he's around the same age he acted very immature.


ahhhh he is 11 years older than me!



brooonte
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03 Dec 2012, 8:10 am

Who_Am_I wrote:
CftxP wrote:
Though he does sound like a jerk for wanting to do it, I think it was emasculating for him to have to keep stopping because of your cramps, so that part is understood. I think you should tell him that the problem was that being a virgin, it physically hurts to do it. But you should also tell him that you have feelings of love, ask him too, and see where it goes from there. ;)


He's not a jerk for wanting to do it, but he is a jerk for getting angry, sulky and blaming her for being in pain.

She told him that it hurt

Quote:
I told him that I don't feel well because of the cramps.


and that's the point where he should have stopped. She didn't need to give a reason.


I don't wanna seem like I am defending him but after he said "what is there to talk about?" I again told him that I wanted to stop because it was so painful and the cramps were making it worser. He looked at me like he was hearing this for the first time. I think he didn't understand I was having my period in the first place. Anyway, of course this doesn't explain his thoughtless behavior. He knew that I was a virgin before all this happened, he is 11 years older than me and way more experienced.

He is an american, and I am not so there could have been a misunderstanding due to language at the crack of the morning.



Palakol
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03 Dec 2012, 8:56 am

If this is your first informal liaison with a member of the opposite sex then you are probably just blinded with the flooding of attachment hormones that make you want to forgive him for any infraction that he may commit towards you, which is normal. Do not be fooled by this. It is a lapse in judgement. Like one of the girls in the movie "White Chicks" who was being exploited for her feelings and made into a guy's so-called "booty call". Maybe you are just afraid of letting this one go because you have a feeling that this is your last chance at happiness. It's probably not. Unless a borderline-sexually-abusive, manipulative, passive-aggressive relationship is your idea of happiness. Don't try to rationalize it. You can probably do better than him anyway.


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brooonte
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03 Dec 2012, 10:44 am

Palakol wrote:
If this is your first informal liaison with a member of the opposite sex then you are probably just blinded with the flooding of attachment hormones that make you want to forgive him for any infraction that he may commit towards you, which is normal. Do not be fooled by this. It is a lapse in judgement. Like one of the girls in the movie "White Chicks" who was being exploited for her feelings and made into a guy's so-called "booty call". Maybe you are just afraid of letting this one go because you have a feeling that this is your last chance at happiness. It's probably not. Unless a borderline-sexually-abusive, manipulative, passive-aggressive relationship is your idea of happiness. Don't try to rationalize it. You can probably do better than him anyway.


I hate hormones I hate oxytocin! I just can't make myself forget about him and move on.
Still I think saying that I don't wanna see him again was the most reasonable thing to say in this circumstances. I hope I can get over him soon.

Thanks Palakol and thanks to everyone who answered.