what is this supposed to mean

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sirhawkeye
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17 Mar 2013, 7:18 pm

So the girl I had been talking about previously, it eneds up that she wants to be friends. She told me she doesn't want a romatic relationship now because she has too much stress and it would cause more stress for her. She said she tried dating a few years ago but couldn't deal with having to deal with someone else's feelings as well as hers. I sort of felt that we had some sort of connection somehow. Do aspie girls need time before they decide to date someone? What do most other aspie girls look for in guys?
Is she just telling me she's not interested at all or maybe at this point, but maybe in the future we could try? I'm a bit confused.



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17 Mar 2013, 7:29 pm

You've been "Friend-Zoned", which means that she's just not into you, and you'd be better off to look elsewhere for romance.

Wikipedia wrote:
In popular culture, the "friend zone" refers to a platonic relationship wherein one person wishes to enter into a romantic or sexual relationship, while the other does not. It is generally considered to be an undesirable situation by the lovelorn person. Once the friend zone is established, it is said to be difficult to move beyond that point in a relationship. The idea of a "friend zone" is often criticized as simply being a platonic relationship in which one party never informs the other of their affection, then resents the other party for not sensing it, or feels entitled to the other party's affections despite the wishes of the other party.

Consider yourself lucky that you haven't been "Creep-Zoned", which is when she doesn't want anything to do with you because you make her feel creepy, but you have not actually done anything that requires intervention by the police.

Being Creep-Zoned is maybe just a step or two above being "Perv-Zoned" and a possible arrest or a restraining order.


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Zinnel
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17 Mar 2013, 9:33 pm

Yes and then there is the dreaded "Phantom-Zone" in which you spend eternity spinning around in a 2-dimensional plane.

joking aside, she is just flat out saying she isn't interested in you and that probably won't change. Her saying she "just wants to be friends" is her atempt to say she isn't interested in you in a "nice" way.


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rabbittss
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17 Mar 2013, 10:23 pm

Yup, drop her and move on.


Absolutely do not let her shoulder you with her emotional problems when she inevitably meets some other guy who is your exact opposite and who continually mistreats her..



Fnord
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17 Mar 2013, 10:29 pm

Zinnel wrote:
Yes and then there is the dreaded "Phantom-Zone" in which you spend eternity spinning around in a 2-dimensional plane...

You may be on to something ... To be "Phantom-Zoned" in a relationship could be for the other person to start treating as if you never existed in the first place, regardless of the level of intimacy that you once shared.

Like when you've been seriously dating a woman whom you thought was single, and her husband comes home on leave from the Marines unannounced ...

:oops:


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17 Mar 2013, 11:15 pm

Fnord wrote:
Zinnel wrote:
Yes and then there is the dreaded "Phantom-Zone" in which you spend eternity spinning around in a 2-dimensional plane...

You may be on to something ... To be "Phantom-Zoned" in a relationship could be for the other person to start treating as if you never existed in the first place, regardless of the level of intimacy that you once shared.

Like when you've been seriously dating a woman whom you thought was single, and her husband comes home on leave from the Marines unannounced ...

:oops:


true story?



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18 Mar 2013, 1:40 am

Aspies tend to need/like alone time & have problems understanding/relating to/dealing with others emotions. It's possible she could change her mind in the future after seh grows more/learns more about her AS & her limitations & how to deal with it, her life stuff changes & is easier for her to deal with everything, or she gets closer to you or someone else who she can understand/deal with their emotions better or can prove they're OK with her not being very emotionally close. It's best if you give up on the idea of having a relationship with her for now & just be her friend if it works for you & her.


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18 Mar 2013, 1:50 am

sirhawkeye wrote:
So the girl I had been talking about previously, it eneds up that she wants to be friends. She told me she doesn't want a romatic relationship now because she has too much stress and it would cause more stress for her. She said she tried dating a few years ago but couldn't deal with having to deal with someone else's feelings as well as hers. I sort of felt that we had some sort of connection somehow. Do aspie girls need time before they decide to date someone? What do most other aspie girls look for in guys?
Is she just telling me she's not interested at all or maybe at this point, but maybe in the future we could try? I'm a bit confused.


Maybe you shouldn't blindly ignore the part she said about not being able to deal with dating. You're looking for possibilities with her when she just stated there are none. If she ends up dating someone then you'll have a right to feel lied to.

Yes you're getting "friendzoned" but it isn't friendzoning with all it's negative connotations. She's being honest about it IMO and she genuinely can't date right now. No need to reject her as a friend for rejecting you honestly.



goldfish21
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18 Mar 2013, 3:06 am

blue_bean wrote:
sirhawkeye wrote:
So the girl I had been talking about previously, it eneds up that she wants to be friends. She told me she doesn't want a romatic relationship now because she has too much stress and it would cause more stress for her. She said she tried dating a few years ago but couldn't deal with having to deal with someone else's feelings as well as hers. I sort of felt that we had some sort of connection somehow. Do aspie girls need time before they decide to date someone? What do most other aspie girls look for in guys?
Is she just telling me she's not interested at all or maybe at this point, but maybe in the future we could try? I'm a bit confused.


Maybe you shouldn't blindly ignore the part she said about not being able to deal with dating. You're looking for possibilities with her when she just stated there are none. If she ends up dating someone then you'll have a right to feel lied to.

Yes you're getting "friendzoned" but it isn't friendzoning with all it's negative connotations. She's being honest about it IMO and she genuinely can't date right now. No need to reject her as a friend for rejecting you honestly.


This. She could end up an amazing friend with common interests you two enjoy, just not the sex & relationship part of being a couple, but so what? Could still be a great friendship - but you'd just have to accept and be ok with that being what it is.

And she's an Aspie. Ask her for clarification on what she meant, whether that means she has no romantic interest in you ever, or simply none in anyone at the moment but who knows about the future etc. She'll likely give you an honest logical answer and be ok with clarifying considering she should know all about misreading signals and such. Just talk about it instead of wondering and causing yourself anxiety and stress, then you'll know and can figure out what you'd like to do from here on in.


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18 Mar 2013, 3:58 am

move on, by the time she is ready for dating, she will want to be dating someone else. not you. you will be the platonic friend that she thought you will only ever want to be her friend. then everybody act surprised.



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18 Mar 2013, 6:48 am

sirhawkeye wrote:
So the girl I had been talking about previously, it eneds up that she wants to be friends. She told me she doesn't want a romatic relationship now because she has too much stress and it would cause more stress for her. She said she tried dating a few years ago but couldn't deal with having to deal with someone else's feelings as well as hers. I sort of felt that we had some sort of connection somehow. Do aspie girls need time before they decide to date someone? What do most other aspie girls look for in guys?
Is she just telling me she's not interested at all or maybe at this point, but maybe in the future we could try? I'm a bit confused.

i don't think she ever indicated she wanted to be more than friends with you. i encouraged you to be open and honest with her so that she could be open and honest with you too. in the interest of maintaining the theme of the above posters, your open honesty kept you from accidentally shifting that girl into the GreyZone (the murky area one party thinks they are dating, and the other party thinks it is a friendship).

as to the rest of your question, every aspie girl is different, but it seems that she's already made up her mind about her relationship with you. if you're going to hold onto hopes of dating her, it's probably not a good idea to stay friends with her because someday she'll be ready to date again and she will likely date someone else. but if you can handle being "just friends" forever, then by all means stay friends with her as it sounds like the two of you get along quite well.


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18 Mar 2013, 6:54 am

rabbittss wrote:
Yup, drop her and move on.


Absolutely do not let her shoulder you with her emotional problems when she inevitably meets some other guy who is your exact opposite and who continually mistreats her..


Why do guys always assume this?
Is every single girl who friend zones you supposed to just gobble up your dick because you're obsessed with her?
It's a nice way of rejecting you, she's not sexually attracted to you. Would you rather her say "Sorry, we can still hangout and all, but we're not going to do anything intimate or sexual because you're too ugly/unattractive/fat/hairy etc for me" ?

Clearly you haven't considered this from a girl's perspective.. I have never been friend zoned, not against my will anyway.
"To realize that you are just a character in someone else's dream, that ... is self awareness"

Also, I've known some girls who will "friend zone" a guy just to see his reaction, if it's something along the lines of yours... she gets rid of him. Clearly you didn't value her companionship and like her as a friend, you were just thinking about sex, and romantic involvement from the get-go.
See, there's the issue.. you can't approach a woman and already have the future in your head. You are projecting an intention which she does not understand, and it conflicts with the fact that she's probably still trying to figure out if she even wants to talk to you at all...

If she does decide to talk to you (hangout, give you her number).. if your first thought is "Aww yea better buy some condoms" or some stupid s**t, you are going to get friend zoned, unless you have "game" (aka manipulative skills) ... which might get you laid, but she will not fall for you, not the real you even if she does.

Your best bet is to just be confident with who you are, and be self aware, take time to think about what she might be thinking or seeing... I'm aware this is a huge problem for a lot of aspies, but that's why I myself pay extra attention. Plus, women like it if you pay attention to them and listen very intently... if you pick up on some small detail about her and relay that back a few days later, or even notice some TINY detail about her that's changed, that will probably get you way further (emotionally) than having "game".

I'm not trying to write a novel here, so I'll stop there.



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18 Mar 2013, 7:18 am

^ very good points, uwmonkdm.

If I had considered only my sexual attraction and crush on a friend and decided not to hang out once it was clear there wasn't going to be a sexual relationship developing, I wouldn't have one of the best friends I've ever made in my life today. So, sometimes there's immense value in sticking around even w/o the chances of getting laid. It depends on what you like about the other person, in what capacity etc etc.

But, if you're about finding a relationship &/or getting laid w/ whoever you spend time around, then in the op's case it's time to forget and move on because it's not likely to happen here. If that's accepted and friendship is still wanted, well then, go for that - but don't realistically expect sex to ever be much more than a minute in-your-dreams type fantasy possibility.


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18 Mar 2013, 7:42 am

Personally, I would make all the female friends I could.
Who can they introduce you to? More girls.
I can't even make a girl - friend, any time I try it's like any of my other friendships that fall apart due to my aspie tendencies, or we end up sleeping together.. so, stop whining about it. If anything, she could possibly fall for you if you handle this situation in the right way. (Hoping that will happen is not the right way)
'Tis a subtle art :lol:



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18 Mar 2013, 2:06 pm

blue_bean wrote:
sirhawkeye wrote:
So the girl I had been talking about previously, it eneds up that she wants to be friends. She told me she doesn't want a romatic relationship now because she has too much stress and it would cause more stress for her. She said she tried dating a few years ago but couldn't deal with having to deal with someone else's feelings as well as hers. I sort of felt that we had some sort of connection somehow. Do aspie girls need time before they decide to date someone? What do most other aspie girls look for in guys?
Is she just telling me she's not interested at all or maybe at this point, but maybe in the future we could try? I'm a bit confused.


Maybe you shouldn't blindly ignore the part she said about not being able to deal with dating. You're looking for possibilities with her when she just stated there are none. If she ends up dating someone then you'll have a right to feel lied to.

Yes you're getting "friendzoned" but it isn't friendzoning with all it's negative connotations. She's being honest about it IMO and she genuinely can't date right now. No need to reject her as a friend for rejecting you honestly.


She could date again in the future after her feelings/emotions change about it. I wouldn't say it would be lying in that case, just a change of heart. The OP will have to live with the idea when she is ready to date even then he might not be considered a suitor. OP, accept what has been said to you and move on. Stay in contact as a friend if you want but don't do it to be "nice" and all that jazz.



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18 Mar 2013, 4:02 pm

Listen to uwmonkdm. Everything he wrote is spot on.