Don't get this guy at all?

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Okay sorry if this is long, but I feel like this website can help me with my problem.

I like a guy who I think may have autism. He's 21 and I'm 20. We both go to the same school. The first time I spoke to him he was very shy and awkward. He would smile, laugh nervously, and stare at the ground a lot. I remember once when I was walking and talking with him he walked away (smiling and laughing) when I was in the middle of saying something. At first I was hurt and felt stupid, but then later he greeted me. The next day I saw him before class and asked him a question and he gave me an odd response like "Yeah, maybe, yeah" (he would say odd things like that a lot), and walked away. I was talking to two other of my classmates and he kept walking in and out of the conversation.

There were times when he would act cold towards me when he would be studying. Once he had an exam for a class and I asked how his class is going and he said, "I'll let you know after this test", with a smile. He sat with his back facing me. I got the hint that he was busy, but the part that made me feel hurt was how he still spoke to this guy who sat next to him. To my surprise, later that day when I was at the cafeteria he came up to me and said, "I saw that you were over here so I thought I'd come over and say "hi"". I was talking to him about something and again he walked away from me in the middle of speaking, but from across the cafeteria he was staring at me and showing off with his friends.

Once when I was walking to class, I saw him in the hallway. He was studying so I was iffy about greeting him. I still decided to greet him because I didn't want him thinking I was ignoring him. When I did say "hello" to him he didn't even make eye contact with me but simply smiled and waved. I took that as him saying "go away". From that day I told myself, "Okay so maybe I should ignore him when he's studying". I followed my advice and ignored him when he seemed busy. I did that twice and he seemed a little upset at me for doing that. After doing that, he would say "hi" to me sounding sad/uncertain or would ignore me when I'd be at the cafeteria. I felt terrible for what I did. Once when he greeted me sounding sad I commented on the bad weather in an attempt to seem friendly and he said, "Yeah I know", coldly and kept walking. Atleast after that day, things went back to normal and he spoke to me.

On the last day of the semester I gave him a hug (could tell he was nervous) and asked for his number. Well so far, I've initiated all the contact. The first time I texted him he didn't reply. I've tried calling him but he said he was busy doing something. I've noticed he's only replied to my texts wishing him luck on an exam and a "Merry Christmas" text. Whenever I try to have a conversation with him he doesn't reply.

I really like him, but at this point I'm getting the feeling he doesn't want to talk to me. I find it weird though if he doesn't want to talk to me because in person he was nice to me and would act nervous.

Any advice on this whole situation?

Perhaps he can't figure out what to say. Then when you take that as a sign that he doesn't want to talk to you, he thinks you are moving away from him and that distresses him.

I don't know if he knows I'm getting that feeling. He would do things in person that he wouldn't know as rude (like walking away in the middle of a conversation) because he wouldn't be aware of it.

Here is a detailed report of my texts to him (hahaha):
The first time I texted him something about my lab grade and he didn't reply. Then I tried to call him but he said he was busy doing something. The second time I texted him wishing him luck on an exam and he thanked me (that conversation was three texts long). I once texted him "hey" and he didn't reply. I texted him "Merry Christmas" and he thanked me. I asked him what he got for Christmas and I told him that I may not be coming back to school next semester, but no reply.

Another thing that makes me confused is why would he give me his number when I asked for it?
And this is practically my only way of communicating with him since he doesn't have anything like a Facebook, Twitter, or whatever.

Maybe he just doesn't keep his phone with him all the time. I often don't answer text messages because I leave my phone in my bedroom and go to another part of the house. Even when I do have my phone with me, sometimes I read the message and can't decide what to say in response, especially if the person didn't ask me a question or say something that specifically requires a response.

I pretty much use mine only for when I'm out of the office. When I'm at the office, it stays plugged into a charger out of the way. If it should ring, there's a good chance I'll never know it.

Makes sense. He does reply really fast, but I figured he struggles with what to say. He was even like that in person.

So, how should I go about asking him out? Like what should I write in a text or should I call him?

That might have upset him...

I'd honestly ask him in person, but saying you want to hang out with him as a friend over the phone may be a good leadup to that.

I'm glad you're trying to be understanding. We Aspies have s**t for luck when it comes to relationships because they require a lot of communication. A lot of NT/AS relationships don't work because of this, but the ones that do are because the NT person is patient and understanding and willing to work with the AS person to better their relationship, and I think it's that kind of partner that can really make a difference in an Aspie's life. I know because there's an NT woman whom I have a close friendship with, we used to date but went back to being friends, though there's a chance that we may get back together. At any rate, she's a very understanding person and her influence has left me a changed man. Had it not been for her I wouldn't have the self-confident optimism I have today.

Best of luck and Goddess bless you and your autistic friend and possible future boyfriend.

@ Roxas_XIII: I try my best to be patient with him. I am totally understanding of whatever he may have. I'm not sure if he even has Aspergers/Autism, but he shows all the signs of it. We're both college students on winter break and the only option I have is to text or call him. I'm not so sure about calling him because I feel that would be too much for him. And the problem with texting him is wording makes a difference.

@ mfs1013: I didn't even think of that as a possibility. I first asked him what he got for Christmas and he didn't respond. He usually responds within a few seconds. So after thirty something minutes I realized that I forgot to tell him that I may not be coming back to school. I actually thought he would reply to that. He seems to have problems replying to texts whenever I tell him about an issue in my life. I also noticed that he only replies to texts when I wish him luck on something or wish him a happy holiday.

Sounds like he's really shy. Concerning the texts, I hope I can give an explanation...

He might not have realized that a reply would have been appropriate, or he didn't know what to reply. (I wouldn't know, either.)

There's an active thread about Using the phone. It's not exactly about your situation, but it shows the main problems. Many Aspies don't like making phone calls (try the forum search for more details).

That's trained social behavior.

What kind of reply were you expecting? Sorry, I really don't know.

Makes sense.

A few ideas of what might possibly the case:

• He really likes you and he doesn't know how to cope with this information. He's afraid of losing you and therefore avoids talking to you.
• He notices that this conversation is going awkward.
• You're probably expecting a reply that expresses his feelings about this information. Aspies are often not comfortable at this or don't even see the necessity.

Again, just ideas:

• He might have thought it was for homework or something like that.
• He does like you and the explanations above apply.

I really can't tell what he think about you. There's still a fair chance that he likes you.


I don't think the typical "asking out" scheme works well for Aspies, particularly not for someone who is so shy.
Postpone your romantic approaches and try to get to know him better – if possible, via his (special) interest(s).
Then, in private, figure out your feelings for him and eventually reveal them.

since you said he has autism, then the autism is causing the problem. he cant help it if he walks in and out of conversations. i wouldnt take it personally. He's socially akward and probably doesnt realize that what he is doing is wrong. he likes you, he just have trouble communicating. Dont let yourself get upset by his behavior.

If he's an Aspie, which, by the sounds of it, he probably is, I'm guessing he likes you, has no idea how to say it, and is at least as frustrated as you are. Do both of you a favor and ask him out, because he's probably not going to do it himself.

If he's anything like me, he probably has an idea that you like him, but isn't sure if he's reading you right (even if you make it what YOU consider to be obvious), and that's making him nervous as all hell. He probably also has all sorts of hypothetical negative scenarios going through his mind every time he thinks about asking you out.

This guy is probably going through hell over you right now, and really, the best thing you can do is make it as blatantly obvious as possible that you are interested in him. We Aspies don't really do subtlety.

What he said. Sad but true. But yeah, easiest thing for you to do would be to go straight out and ask him. That's what it took for my first 2 relationships, both women were interested in me but I was so clueless that they finally had to go straight out and say it (hell, one of them was going down on me in her bedroom before I finally got the hint of what she wanted), and this is coming from someone who's practically a social butterfly by Aspie standards.

So would you ignore their texts too?



I wish I can just go and visit him but me and him are both on college winter break. I'm scared how he'll react to a text asking him if he wants to hang out but that's the only way. I'm going to have to be really careful with my wording too!

You've all been so much help here!

@ Vectorspace: I might have to ask him out in order to see him again. Sadly we're both on college winter break now. Your post really helped me figure things out!