Trouble forgiving one thing - need perspective

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EmoGlambertAspie
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30 Dec 2012, 1:47 pm

A few weeks back I was at a party with my boyfriend at his friends' house (they're a married couple). At one point during the night we were out by the bonfire, me, my boyfriend, his married male friend and a friend of his. Then the married guy started saying disgusting things about the female anatomy - which were untrue - so I went back in the house. He stayed out there to listen to more lies.
Then when he came in I confronted him about it and he said "Well, it's the gross, ugly truth." This made me cry harder and I told him, "So you think my body is gross and ugly? Thanks a lot!" I told him what the guy said was B.S. and he backtracked and said he took everything the guy said with a grain of salt. I tried to forgive him for this but even weeks later it still bothers me because my boyfriend is The One otherwise. I talked to him more about it the next day and he blew up at me and told me to move on. But those words are tattooed in my mind now...
"It's the gross, ugly truth." I guess I just needed to vent and have other people give their perspective on all this.


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Last edited by EmoGlambertAspie on 30 Dec 2012, 2:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

BlueMax
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30 Dec 2012, 1:55 pm

One: I looked it up everywhere but I still don't know what a "hody" is.

Two: I think you've blown this way, WAY out of proportion.

Three:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzDK70zO-Eo[/youtube]



justkillingtime
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30 Dec 2012, 2:21 pm

1. A "hody" is when you type when very upset.

2. May need a therapist to get this straightened out.


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hyperlexian
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30 Dec 2012, 2:44 pm

the part that stood out for me was that you were upset at the time and even left the environment, then when you confronted your boyfriend about the subject matter, his response was to insult you to your face. he probably didn't know it would upset you, but now he does. you made it quite clear.

if he has apologised and treats you and your body well (i.e. not getting grossed out by your genitals or whatever), then it is probably time to let it go. but if he just thinks you should let it go just because it was never a big deal to him and he didn't apologise, then it is understandable you would still be upset. you might want to try *calmly* explaining how you feel about it, not being accusatory but clearly speaking of how and why your feelings have been hurt.

i know that you might be reluctant to get to graphic about the actual content of what had been discussed between the men (due to embarrassment or the fact it is in the L&D forum and not Adult), but a little context may help us here. i am struggling to figure out exactly what a person could find so horribly disgusting about a human body.


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BlueAbyss
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30 Dec 2012, 2:57 pm

^ what she said.

It seems to me he was probably going along to get along at the party. It was a group of guys being jerks together. That has nothing to do with your relationship with him.

I would let it go unless it's a repeating theme or he seems to really have this problem in private.



EmoGlambertAspie
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30 Dec 2012, 3:06 pm

To be fair, BlueMax, I had been drinking a little before he came in because I was angry - not much, I'd say about 1/3 cup of cherry vodka in about 10 oz. of Pepsi - and I'm a lightweight who gets sad when I drink. I still remember all that was said accurately but I agree that at the time I was crying harder than was warranted. Although to be honest if I hadn't been drinking I would have been angry and that would have been worse.

Hyperlexian, the guy was saying how all women's vaginas are so big you can "fit a big fist in there, they're huge!" (which is incredibly untrue - I can't even use tampons!) and laughing about how he made fun of his wife at the gynecologist.

I also think I should mention that shortly after that, after about half an
hour, he stayed away from me and my friends the rest of the night but acted like nothing had happened when we went to bed.


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Last edited by EmoGlambertAspie on 30 Dec 2012, 3:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

justkillingtime
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30 Dec 2012, 3:16 pm

Doesn't that make the guy awfully small if all vaginas are too big?


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aspiemike
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30 Dec 2012, 3:23 pm

What I read was that you were in a setting with only males, is this part true? Because there are rules for engagement in relationships:

1. Guys night out means exactly that, or a guys setting may mean come at your own risk. What they talk about in this setting might actually be offensive to women. This would be a setting that girls should stay away from.
2. Girls night out means exactly that and a guy in that setting will be uncomfortable. A guy will likely have to put up with uncomfortable talk as well if he is somehow out on this night with the girls. Not a situation I want to be in.



EmoGlambertAspie
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30 Dec 2012, 3:24 pm

aspiemike, It was a party men and women were invited to and I was allowed outside. Also, I don't think anyone has a right to insult their girlfriend just because of the gender of people around.


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30 Dec 2012, 3:35 pm

Don''t get pregnant cause a baby is a bit bigger than a fist.



aspiemike
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30 Dec 2012, 3:37 pm

EmoGlambertAspie wrote:
aspiemike, It was a party men and women were invited to and I was allowed outside. Also, I don't think anyone has a right to insult their girlfriend just because of the gender of people around.


Yes, but you walked into a setting during the party where there were only guys around. That's what I can make of this. The rules of engagement could likely apply in that scenario. Guys will make uncomfortable sexist remarks when no women is around (girls will say sexist remarks in a girls setting as well). This guy happened to make the mistake of saying it with you, a girl, around. I understand that it upset you and I don't want you to feel like your man will say such things. But men in these settings will say some pretty weird, and sometimes offensive things... and usually, we know what is true and what is BS. We do our best to choose not to think too much into things and enjoy ourselves.

Your argument with your boyfriend was just that... an argument. You made your points clear to him that he upset you with the comment. Did he ever let you feel as if he was apologetic for making you upset about this?



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30 Dec 2012, 3:44 pm

I can understand why you are angry and upset. That was a nasty, childish thing for that man to say. It is disrespectful for him to talk about his wife in that way. I think you did the right thing by extricating yourself from the situation and then trying to discuss it with your boyfriend privately.

I think sometimes men do not understand how offensive they can be (often unconsciously) to and about women. Technically, your boyfriend is correct - the vagina can stretch as it needs to in order to give birth. Every woman is different. Vaginas are not 'gross'. That's quite an immature attitude and may stem from a lack of experience with women, or ingrained beliefs from childhood about sex or sexual organs being 'gross'. He may well grow out of this view (if he is as young as you are).

If this is the only issue in your relationship, I would try to put this from your mind, if you can. If you really cannot do that, perhaps you have some underlying uncertainty about the relationship generally - which might be something you need to think about carefully.



EmoGlambertAspie
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30 Dec 2012, 4:27 pm

curlyfry wrote:
Don''t get pregnant cause a baby is a bit bigger than a fist.


The vagina goes back down to its original size after birth though. I told my mom about this assclown and she said he probably fists his wife all the time.


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BlueMax
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30 Dec 2012, 4:35 pm

EmoGlambertAspie wrote:
curlyfry wrote:
Don''t get pregnant cause a baby is a bit bigger than a fist.


The vagina goes back down to its original size after birth though. I told my mom about this assclown and she said he probably fists his wife all the time.


1) After birth, there's a very good chance the vagina will NOT return to its original size. Certain exercises can help if it's that important to the couple.
2) It's okay for you to hurl insults but not him? ;) (Not trying to be mean - just makin' you think about it since you're being very, very emotional about this.)



EmoGlambertAspie
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30 Dec 2012, 6:08 pm

BlueMax, the point was that it certainly doesn't stay as stretched as this guy claimed it did. It might a bit but it doesn't get so big you can't feel anything - the doctor actually sews you up tighter if it stretches too much. Also, the only reason I called him an assclown is that he insulted women in front of me and upset me.


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"More people have been slaughtered in the name of religion than for any other single reason. That, my friends, that is true perversion." - Harvey Milk


Last edited by EmoGlambertAspie on 30 Dec 2012, 6:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MCalavera
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30 Dec 2012, 6:24 pm

BlueMax wrote:
Two: I think you've blown this way, WAY out of proportion.


Completely agreed. This was totally unnecessary drama, and I feel bad her boyfriend had to go through this.