Third date, and she still resists hugging???

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I'm trying to make inroads with a woman. She's really great, a pianist, driven intelligent. I'm really taken by her, but for a lot of reasons, some less clear than others, we've only seen each other on average once every two months. So it's no relationship by any means, and I've still been looking elsewhere, as much as I'd like to make some progress with this great woman.

So today we had our third outing...lunch then we went to a local bookstore to shop. After it all I walked her back to where she parked, and we said goodbye. I really would've liked to kiss her, but sensed she wasn't up for it. Instead I went to hug her, and like the two previous times, her reaction seems one of surprise, like she's not expecting it. We wound up sort of half hugging, and she put one arm around me. Rather awkward.

I don't know what to make of it. It distresses me. I like her a lot, but after three dates in almost six months, she hasn't warmed up at all it seems. There is no opennness. By the third date, I'd hope to be kissing her goodbye, and I get resistance even from a hug. Surely by a third date, that would indicate she LIKES me at least? Who goes on a third date with someone they don't like?

It's all so disappointing, and makes me terribly sad. I'd like to feel like I'm attractive, that I'm desired. I'd like some kind of physical contact. I'd like to be able to express my affection physically...holding hands, hugging....a kiss on the cheek, or a peck on the lips. Something. And I wish she would reciprocate.

It's bad enough I've never had a GF, and my dating life is on life support. But when I do date, it all winds up being so cold. Is it so wrong to desire to give and receive human affection?

I don't know what to do? Part of me wonders if she's on the spectrum, and I should be more sympathetic. I notice a few things here and there...she has her narrow interests like I do, occasionally her eye contact waivers as does mine. She's known for a while I'm on the spectrum, but has made no mention of it herself.

Or do I just need to move on, and leave her to herself?

Or am I doing something wrong....I always fear the problem is me. Do I just take this as another sign I'm just not meant to date or find love? Is it time to quit for good?

3 dates in four to six months does not a relationship make. Try dating her more often, like 2 or 3 times a week. That will get your intentions across.

Listen to Fnord's wisdom.

Had the same situation with the nurse girl.

She was a pianist too, lol the coincidence.

You can't assume she will ever be interested in you. She might just see you as a friend. And if you try to push anything she will not want to see you anymore. And don't act desperate.

It's not for trying. Believe me I do try to see her more, but she's always got a conflict, or claims she has a gig.

She doesn't make a lot of money so I suggest things we can do that don't cost much, like I get movie passes we can use, or often times I just invite her over for pizza and a movie, but she always has something going on, or doesn't respond.

Every date we go on, believe me, is the result of weeks of trying to get our schedules to jive. And we met on an online dating site, so she's obviously looking...

There could be several reasons why she is avoiding contact. Maybe she has been abused in her past; victims of sexual or physical abuse often have an aversion to social contact. A second possibility is that she sees you as a platonic friend. As you already mentioned, maybe she's on the spectrum. Either way, you should broach the subject in person.

Keep in mind that I'm only speaking from personal experience, and your situation might be totally different. I'm dating an aspie right now, and we actually had to verbally agree that we were dating, otherwise my aspie brain wouldn't have had any clue. He also verbally asked me about my touch aversion before we actually started holding hands. I know with NT's it's a bit different; apparently they just "know" when the time is right. I do have an aversion to social touching, but the fact that he asked me before he tried anything helped me mentally prepare. I actually liked holding hands when I had some sort of advance notice. It's like I felt "safer" if that makes any sense. Again your case might be totally different, but maybe you just need more verbal communication to iron out any confusion.

Ah, yes ... the old "too busy" excuse ... I know it all too well ...


She may be thinking "cheapskate date", then.


Maybe you could up the ante, and offer to take her someplace nice, instead.


Schedules that don't jibe means that someone is not interested in making them jibe.


... and if she is still using that dating site, then maybe she is still looking...

Sorry to be a wet blankety-blank, but if she were really into you, she would be initiating more contact by now.

Girls on dating sites usually don't date 1 guy at a time, she might be dating 20 others hence why she can't find enough time for you; she's probably now in "filtering process".

The good news that you're not filtered out yet, the bad news you're very likely to be filtered out later.

The thing with women that they just choose to be in and out of the dating world. Like a button you can just turn on and off. For instance, when it comes to online dating "deactivating account = not dating, yay!, reactivating account = dating, yay!"

It's not like the vast majority of guys; A single dating opportunity comes only once in a blue moon; that too after making a lot of effort and social manoeuvring ...on the man's part.

You're right....

God, I could cry. Why can't I find anyone? What is wrong with me? I want to hurt myself.

You're going to have to ask her either way. There's no point in you still pursuing her if she's not interested. It's too much of an emotional cost without any benefit.

*Slapping Brianruns10's face**

man up, stop crying, it's not totally hopeless with that girl yet.

Also, try to date another one, and let them both KNOW. Believe me, if they feel that you're 'demanded' and may get 'stolen' by others any time, they would try to meet you more often to secure you.

Well it seems clear she's not interested in me...three GD dates since September, and she won't even hug me. She hardly ever replies to my texts, and when I invite her out, she usually doesn't even respond.

If she's NT, she obviously doesn't care. If she's Aspie, shame on her. How I'd love for somenone to reach out to me and show that kind of affection. It's not easy for me, but dammit I'm trying, but she gives nothing back.

And damn me for not succeeding. Loser is all I am.

That's a very as*hole thing to do. If I were the woman in that situation, I'd probably just dump you because you're a waste of my time. No self-respecting female is going to be attracted by that. At best, you're just going to get the most desperate women. I'm assuming you want a meaningful relationship, so having women compete for you is not the best strategy.

You need testosterone injections.

Why is it her fault?

There's nothing wrong in dating several candidates while you didn't commit a relationship with anyone yet (becoming her bf), do not go moralist on me, Ms. idealist.

All the girls I've dated through dating site were dating other candidates, everyone does it; and I can bet that girls do it more often than guys!! (due to the imbalance of opportunities; when I was dating 2 girls at a time, the girls were seeing like 4-5-6, no girl told me a number less than 4) In fact, they've been always grateful for my honesty on that matter, and the funny thing they always admit that they're doing the same too.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 05 Jan 2013, 6:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.