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OMGitsKenny
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15 Jan 2013, 3:49 am

I'm a very picky person when it comes to it, but in good reasons. Honestly I don't care if I fall in love with a girl or not. I've been single for most of my life and I absolutely enjoy it (freedom is king, and not dealing with drama is the crown). If at all a girl decides to enter my life she better have her head straight or she's out the door in seconds.


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yellowtamarin
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15 Jan 2013, 5:55 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
That's it yellowtamartin, I am your perfect match :lol:

I knew this thread couldn't stay serious for long :tongue:

MCalavera wrote:
I don't know what you're looking for exactly, but it may be that it just simply doesn't exist and you are looking for it in vain.

I've found it once, so it does. And I wouldn't even necessarily say there was a "spark" at first with this person, but there was this feeling that I wanted to see them again, to see if there would be a spark. I wasn't even sure the first few times I met them if I was romantically interested, but SOMETHING made me very keen to find out.

Most of the time though I just don't feel the desire to keep trying with someone.



yellowtamarin
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15 Jan 2013, 6:02 am

windtreeman wrote:
Anyway, fast forward through middle school and it was the same, then finally in high school, a girl that I'd hardly noticed despite sitting next to her for an entire previous year, got my phone number and asked me out on a date. People considered her attractive and she was swim captain and very intelligent but the only reason I accepted the proposal was because I didn't want to hurt her feelings, not because I was attracted to her. Fast forward and everything about her grew on me with time and we ended up dating for four-ish relatively enjoyable years only to terminate in the exact opposite of circumstances - I was deeply in love and invested and she'd grown out of it, or whatever it was.

I've never really understood this "growing on you" phenomenon because for me, if it isn't happening within the first week or two, it ain't gonna happen :(

OMGitsKenny wrote:
I'm a very picky person when it comes to it, but in good reasons. Honestly I don't care if I fall in love with a girl or not. I've been single for most of my life and I absolutely enjoy it (freedom is king, and not dealing with drama is the crown). If at all a girl decides to enter my life she better have her head straight or she's out the door in seconds.

That's good that you are so happy being single. I'm pretty independent, and am happy enough being single, but I do feel like I have a lot to offer another person (I've grown a bit since my last relationship), and would like to share my life with someone for a while. But yeah, I'll remain single rather than being in a "meh" relationship.



mfs1013
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15 Jan 2013, 6:21 am

Bottom line: Girls are picky


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blue_bean
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15 Jan 2013, 6:26 am

I don't really know if there's such thing as a first date chemistry. If everything about the first date was great, no undesirable qualities surfaced, no deal breaking events happened or no internal red flags started waving there's nothing ever stopping me from agreeing to a second one. I feel a "distance" with 99.99% of people in the world so relying on chemistry to determine if I should date someone further is useless for me.

That said I am very picky. My preferences from 4 years ago in comparison to today have tightened a lot. Then again I've had some negative experiences during that time which might be colouring my preferences today. Nothing irrational (eg. just because some of the guys had ASD doesn't mean I won't date someone with ASD anymore), it helped me identify which types of people are good for me and which ones aren't.



yellowtamarin
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15 Jan 2013, 6:37 am

mfs1013 wrote:
Bottom line: Girls are picky

Okay, but everyone who responded before you was male.



yellowtamarin
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15 Jan 2013, 6:41 am

blue_bean wrote:
I don't really know if there's such thing as a first date chemistry. If everything about the first date was great, no undesirable qualities surfaced, no deal breaking events happened or no internal red flags started waving there's nothing ever stopping me from agreeing to a second one. I feel a "distance" with 99.99% of people in the world so relying on chemistry to determine if I should date someone further is useless for me.

Ya know, I was going to say "sure there is such a thing as chemistry, I've definitely had it before", but then I thought about the people I had had it with. They typically turned out to not be my type after all, after I'd dated them for a couple of months.

So, maybe this "spark" or "chemistry" is not to be trusted anyway.



mfs1013
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15 Jan 2013, 6:46 am

yellowtamarin wrote:
mfs1013 wrote:
Bottom line: Girls are picky

Okay, but everyone who responded before you was male.


Well, im not really picky when it comes to looks, but someone who has that personality that makes me trust her and she doesn't feel uncomfortable around me...

I have been on a few dates before as well that never "clicked." But i would accept anyone for who she was as long as she is caring and can have fun with me...

the reason why i said all girls are picky is because it can range from charming boys to more personaility, to the more shy ones


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The_Face_of_Boo
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15 Jan 2013, 7:58 am

yellowtamarin wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
That's it yellowtamartin, I am your perfect match :lol:

I knew this thread couldn't stay serious for long :tongue:

MCalavera wrote:
I don't know what you're looking for exactly, but it may be that it just simply doesn't exist and you are looking for it in vain.

I've found it once, so it does. And I wouldn't even necessarily say there was a "spark" at first with this person, but there was this feeling that I wanted to see them again, to see if there would be a spark. I wasn't even sure the first few times I met them if I was romantically interested, but SOMETHING made me very keen to find out.

Most of the time though I just don't feel the desire to keep trying with someone.


But I was serious :(

I thought you're gonna propose to me after this, kneeling on one knee, kissing my hand, "Boo, be my man"... sigh

That's harsh.



yellowtamarin
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15 Jan 2013, 9:25 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
yellowtamarin wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
That's it yellowtamartin, I am your perfect match :lol:

I knew this thread couldn't stay serious for long :tongue:


But I was serious :(

I thought you're gonna propose to me after this, kneeling on one knee, kissing my hand, "Boo, be my man"... sigh

That's harsh.

I would have, but you got my name wrong. See? Picky.



mv
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15 Jan 2013, 9:35 am

yellowtamarin, I'm picky like you are (many of your descriptions are eerily similar to me). The thing is, I'm okay with it, though it means I'm alone most of the time. I am just not comfortable with most people, so it takes someone unusual to make me want to spend more time with him. When it's there, it's great, but it can also blind you as you've mentioned (spending more time with people you thought there was a "spark" with, only to realize you aren't that compatible). Over time, I've come to be comfortable with being alone. I'm in my 40s now, and I can date when I want to, but I largely just don't want to because the avenues available to me (online dating, mostly) are filled with incompatible people. They're nice, friendly, good people, but I just don't see myself sleeping with 99.99% of them.

ETA: I give just about everyone a more-than-one-date chance, but by the third date if I'm still feeling "meh" then I just end it. I think I treasure my alone time too much, and it gets expensive dating that much (I pay on dates).



Last edited by mv on 15 Jan 2013, 10:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

abyssquick
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15 Jan 2013, 10:08 am

yellowtamarin wrote:
So, maybe this "spark" or "chemistry" is not to be trusted anyway.


Yep. That spark is not very informative. It is however, the initiator.

You have to use both parts of the mind - the "spark" is the heart (metaphorically) and of course your mind is what ultimately must be contented. The spark subsides to a glow, and you'll be left with the comparatively mundane things you both do every day. So, for me the lesson of compatibility is one of finding a person who inspires and motivates you on a regular basis. You have to have common interests - who out there is into the same things you are? - Food, activities, conversation (prior to relationship) and emotional constitution, sexual preferences (inside the relationship) -- all of these qualities become essential qualifiers for compatibility. It's difficult. And of course the person you choose to put effort into will change you. Every good relationship does, ideally brings out the best in each person - so just make sure it's for the better.

Heed those red flags - But don't be afraid if the person feels to alien at first, either, if you have basic things in common, a strong bond develops (i.e. "pair bonding") and you'll enter a new phase. It can take months (for myself, about 2-3) before you feel the gravity of the person you've let into your life.



albeniz
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15 Jan 2013, 10:18 am

I can associate with the descriptions in the OP. I just don't see the point in having a meh relationship even if I have never really had one at all. It would only end in disappointment.

For me having common interests is an absolute must. Love, in my opinion, is the desire to spend time with someone, doing what you both love doing together and sharing the experience. If there is nothing in common then this is impossible. I'm not hoping for 100% compatability but it has got to be above 70% say.

I have met many girls where there was a spark only to find out not long later that it would have been a bad idea to persist. I have met one girl where a small spark grew after spending more time with them and finding out more about them, so it is definitely possible.

If I were you I would probably try giving more blokes a second date.



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15 Jan 2013, 10:48 am

I understand. I am extremely picky and single the vast majority of the time.

Like others have said, I am simply not compatible with 99.99% of the population. This I believe is due to my unusual combination of disorders, personality traits, and complex thought processes. Basically, I'm a very complicated person and most people are unable to scrape the surface/peel back more than the first few layers, and I am unable to connect to other people on that deeper level which is essential for a relationship.


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ToadOfSteel
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15 Jan 2013, 11:14 am

yellowtamarin wrote:
windtreeman wrote:
Anyway, fast forward through middle school and it was the same, then finally in high school, a girl that I'd hardly noticed despite sitting next to her for an entire previous year, got my phone number and asked me out on a date. People considered her attractive and she was swim captain and very intelligent but the only reason I accepted the proposal was because I didn't want to hurt her feelings, not because I was attracted to her. Fast forward and everything about her grew on me with time and we ended up dating for four-ish relatively enjoyable years only to terminate in the exact opposite of circumstances - I was deeply in love and invested and she'd grown out of it, or whatever it was.

I've never really understood this "growing on you" phenomenon because for me, if it isn't happening within the first week or two, it ain't gonna happen :(


Have you tried that? I've found that familiarity is very attractive for me. I'm more attracted to a female friend that i've known for a long time (unfortunately not mutual) than I am in cover models...



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15 Jan 2013, 2:48 pm

Same boat. I'm incredibly picky, and I know a lot of it is to avoid dating in general. I've had long-term relationships, but most of them happened when I lived in a city that was very academic. I felt and was desirable, and was able to date within my must-have parameters for a man. Where I live now, intelligence is not a desirable attribute, nor is anyone willing to accommodate the quirks. I'm too much "hard work". But if everyone else gets a "hard work" threshold, I get my own thresholds. However, it's slim pickings around here. I'm starting to accept that hunger is the best seasoning.