Serious trouble in a long-term relationship

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Hmm, I hope this is the right forum to post this. I don't know why I feel the need to share this, maybe I need an outsiders point of view.

I have been with the same man for all my adult life. (started dating when I was 16 and now I am soon turning 30)
We have gotten along pretty ok after the first stormy 5 years or so, but last weekend he went berserk on me. At the first incident I was not home, because he was pretty upset I visited my neighbour (male) with my female friend when he was in a bar, so I spent the night there. He broke our telly and kept calling these " I am going to kill you" phone calls. Soo, he apologized me profoundly and said it was the booze. (It surely was, he used to drink beer only and smoke some pot and smoking pot doesnt make you want to kill somebody). Well, the in the evening he decided to visit his friend and asks me to come too, but they were pretty drunk already, I spent some time with them and decided I rather drive home and have a few beers with my female friend. Soo, he gets home and calls me to come home to open the door. When there he suddenly flips and starts to strangle me, not very seriously mind you, I could breath easily and wasnt scared, just disappointed. He lets me go and I go into a different room. He says hes sorry, but I don't go to him. Suddenly he comes to me with a shotgun and says that it's loaded and now you'll die.
Just for the record, I felt really alive looking at the barrel of a gun. I could actually change into an adrealine junkie. And I was so scared and furious at the same time. I talked to him calmly and then he put the barrel in his mouth, although I wasn't sure that he could reach the trigger, I tried to get it from him, but he refused 'cause it was loaded, sooo I bit him in the hand, got the gun, locked in the cabinet and put the key in my bra.
End of the story.

Um, we have not decently discussed this, 'cause I don't know what to say, I almost comforted him when he was upset about it after I told him about it, but managed not to. He has put it behind him already , but I am getting a feeling, that maybe I ought to do something.
Wow, what a ramble, I wonder if anybody gets this far.

It's easier for him to have these outbursts and then apologize when you're readily available. It's a very messed up situation, but I think (So long as he isn't at risk to kill himself) that you should spend a bit of time apart. A week or two? A month? If he thinks you might cheat, then tell him you won't; And then when you're apart, his jealousy and his faith in you will duke it out. If his faith wins out, he'll probably have become better for it. And if his jealousy possesses him? Well then, er... Not sure on that part. Be extra careful?

And perhaps restricting access to mind-altering chemicals and firearms would be wise.

I don't think you should have to live with someone that displays such unpredictable and erratic behavior and it seems like you are in a relationship with someone that is dangerous. Jealousy is simply another reason for him to use as a means to justify why he is abusing you and he will use any excuse or reason to continue the abuse, he is trying to look for rational reasons to abuse you. In his mind, he will carry on blaming you until he has completely rationalized or justified any abuse towards you, making you the victim of an abusive relationship.

I was taught to shoot at the age of 13 and the first thing that was brutally hammered into me before I even touched a weapon was that you must never point a deadly weapon at another person unless you were willing to fire it, and you should not be willing to fire it unless you were completely willing to kill the person it was pointed at.

It was made very dammed clear that pointing a weapon at another person, regardless of if it was safe or not would have severe repercussions. I still shoot today, and as a point of detail rule 1 of my Rifle club reads:-

I would like to make it crystal clear that I do not beleive your partner is not competent to be entrusted with a firearm. I would NEVER point a weapon at another person, and I can't see me doing so in any mental state. If I was mad with somebody, I wouldn't go near a weapon.

My view is that he is not competent to be entrusted with a firearm. In the UK you are required to report this to the police so they can confiscate his weapons to prevent himself from shooting himself, you or anybody else. He can have them back when he completes a medical assessment to prove that he is safe to hold the weapons he has. However, from the way you've used the language I suspect your American?

In my opinion you MUST take very, very decisive action on this. Personally, I consider that by pointing a weapon at you he was expressing very clearly that he was willing to kill you. That he had also chambered a round screams about how serious this is. This is not a silly argument, he threatened to kill you and he was the minutest pressure on a trigger away from carrying through with that threat. You certainly sound as if you beleive you came very, very close to being violently killed. That's usually when my adrenaline gets pumping.

(And yeah, it does feel good doesn't it. I kind of miss adrenaline rushes, but I realised that getting them is not conductive to living a long life!)

If I was dating somebody who aimed a lethal weapon at me then that would signify the immediate and permanent end of the relationship with no possibility of reprieve. However, i'm not you and I don't have a 15 year relationship on the line.

If your actually going to stay then the absolute minimum steps in my view would have to be to make it clear that:-
1) Your really upset by how he has acted.
2) That his actions were utterly unacceptable
3) If he threatens you again, your gone.

You may need to make an agreement about restricting his access to alcohol, drugs or firearms if he's only getting this way when drunk or drugged.

I would also consider reporting this incident to the police even if you make it clear you do not want any action taken. This is because if you require protection or help in a hurry later, then you probably want this recorded so calls from you are treated with the severity that they deserve.

In my view, doing nothing and pretending it didn't happen is not an option. It would be dangerous to the point of suicide, this will not just go away.

I agree with all of the points about gun safety made by Peter L. However, I'd like to deviate just a bit from his advice: IMO, there is no reconciliation possible that ensures your safety. I believe that if you choose to stay in this relationship, this man is going to kill you.

Although you've been with him for a number of years, people change over time. Addictions, mental illness, dysfunctional behavior all worsen over time. Regardless of who he may have been when you got together, he is currently a very dangerous person, playing a very dangerous game. He has used violence against you, and escalated his very real attempts to harm you. Don't ignore that, because you're risking your life in doing so. You can pity him, you can even love him - but don't die for him.

Honestly, I completely agree with HopeGrows. As my previous post notes, I personally would have walked away by now already.

I think he was quite willing to kill you when he aimed his weapon at you, and as far as I am concerned the relationship ended in that moment. He's is quite possibly going to kill himself at some point, and the real question on my mind is whether or not he will kill himself before or after killing you.

I also think that you are in grave danger regardless of if you decide to stay or go. Planning to leave would in fact be pretty dangerous, since if you express that wish or he catches you packing then I suspect it's quite possible he could lose it, and wind up shooting you. As I say, I think you should be reporting this to the police.

you need to get the hell out of there.

Ask yourself this OP: is this the kind of man you want to marry....have kids with and most importantly, leave the kids at home alone with him?

He is displaying psychotic behavior. Its coming out when he is boozed and drugged up which means when hes not he can hold it under control...but that behavior can and will surface explosively if he ever gets into a stressful situation...what if he gets mad at something, loses that control and projects that anger at you or your kids?

This is NOT okay. You mentioned your first five years together were "stormy," so I'm not sure if there is a history of this behavior, but it's not okay even if it was the first time he got violent with you. Please talk to trusted family/friends about this immediately and figure out how to get out of there and somewhere safe. I get from your post that you may still be in shock or the seriousness of what happened may not have fully registered with you yet, so I think it's really important for you to be able to talk to people you trust who will be able to see things objectively and have your best interests in mind. Are there children in the home?

I don't think I really comprehend the severeness of this situation, I read what you wrote and I was actually suprised at your replies then I thought if someone else would tell me the same story, I'd say the same thing.
I live in Finland, and we have the same firearms laws, but hunting is one of those hobbies which keep him from drinking. I never even thought that I'd call the cops. I don't have children, if I had, I would have been forced to go away (I dearly hope I would have) and I don't want to have children.
I haven't been able to properly confront him with this issue, other than to say that I won't forget it easily.

Really, why am I writing this here, when I can't do anything about it, apparently. I am pissed off at myself for being such a wuss.
Heh, it just came to mind, that when I was young and my father was still alive, he shot around the house with small-bore rifle. Damn those invisible cycles.

But thank you for taking time to write to me those obvious answers, I just don't know.

Now we are trying to break up. Two weeks ago he told me he found himself a new woman and dumped me. Now he wants me back. I don't want him. After the above mentioned incident things have been pretty calm. He should give me the house (the mortage) on friday, but I believe it when I see it. Damn, this is so hard, it's hard to see him cry, I want to comfort him, but I can't, so he will not get his hopes up... I just want this to be over. ((and change the locks))

I do worry that he will harm himself, he said he considered asking professional help, but he does not want to lose his guns so he won't.
I just can't forget the above mentioned situation, that is why I have been more distant with him, and that is why he had an affair. Bleh, the whole situation is making me sick, but when he left me, I noticed that I was actually a bit relieved and realized I should aim for freedom. My feelings for him are there but they are contaminated by his actions.

He needs help.

He needs to go to AA or something to get help with the drinking.

As for pointing a gun, that is illegal, and dangerous.

I would get far away from him before something very bad happens. You need to cut him off, no matter how much it hurts.

Would you rather be nice to him, and have it happen again and this time his finger slips and hits the trigger and you die, or would you rather be sad for a little while and meet a better guy?

and he needs professional help. ASAP. ASAP.

Get out of the house. Go to a women's shelter if you have to. This is a dangerous situation. Tell him to get help or not expect you back, ever. His behavior is over the top and unpredictable.

What you describe, coming out of the blue, reminds me of some things a friend of a friend did when he was on meth. Is it possible your husband has started using methamphetamines? Are the friends he wanted you to visit with him new friends? Please protect yourself.

If he doesn't get help himself, what can I do? I can't watch him if I am not with him, I don't know if it's right just to wash my hands off his mess. I thought about calling his mom, but I thinks she'd get hysterical or something. She already shouted at him when he left me. Maybe his younger brother, he seems like a calm person. Police seems such a drastic method unless he'd actually do something again, how can I tell? Life sucks sometimes, I am already scared of the changes and I feel I might not be strong enough for all this crap. The reason for these 9 months of being together regardless of his actions was that I was too tired, weak and scared to make any moves. I hate myself for that, I just can't blame it all on him when I am so lacking, but we can't be together anymore, that is all I know.