I'm absolutely terrified of being considered creepy.

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Pabalebo
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30 Jan 2013, 12:39 pm

I am treating people exactly how I would expect to be treated. If I went around hitting on every woman I saw within full view and earshot of their friends that I'd just done the same thing to, I would expect to be labelled as, at worst, a potential rapist, and at best, a "man whore" or "PUA". None of these are good labels to me.


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Pabalebo
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30 Jan 2013, 1:09 pm

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Since you have no evidence that anyone finds you creepy, you could resolve to simply banish thinking about being creepy. Much easier said than done if this has become a phobia.


That last sentence. Yeah... that... I never really considered it before, but maybe it IS an actual phobia at this point. Every time I think about getting told I'm a creep, I do have a little mini panic-attack... even when I come here, to this site, where I don't even know anyone's real name... I get worried that someone from real life is going to somehow stumble upon my posts here and realize how f****d up I am. Only one person I know in real life knows I'm on this site, and I can count the number on my hands that even know I have Asperger's...

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If you truly think this is holding you back; get a coach. Show a printout of this thread to one of your trustworthy women friends and ask her to help you identify creepy. Ask her to quietly point out creepy behavior whenever she detects it in guys as you go about with her. She'll explain why the behavior is creepy. You'll never know what all of the creepy things are, but you would eventually become pretty expert at it. Could be a fun research project.


I think having attempted this is actually part of the problem... I live with a girl who is REALLY easily creeped out. Doesn't really explain why she'd voluntarily choose to live with me... but anyway, going by her definitions... EVERYTHING is creepy!


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The_Face_of_Boo
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30 Jan 2013, 5:59 pm

An example of creepy on okc:

mod edit: please do not post screenshots of people's profiles



Giftorcurse
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30 Jan 2013, 6:59 pm

This is my philosophy towards love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBM6QkG0xeY


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Pabalebo
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30 Jan 2013, 7:38 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
An example of creepy on okc:

mod edit: please do not post screenshots of people's profiles


Yes indeed. Though I suspect this profile is fake, this attitude is not, and is a great example of what I find "creepy" in some girls who have been (or pretended to have been?) interested in me.


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Pabalebo
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30 Jan 2013, 7:41 pm

Giftorcurse wrote:
This is my philosophy towards love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBM6QkG0xeY


Does it work for you? I tend not to like this kind of philosophy. I find it self-defeating.


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BlueMax
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30 Jan 2013, 8:11 pm

Pabalebo wrote:
Giftorcurse wrote:
This is my philosophy towards love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBM6QkG0xeY


Does it work for you? I tend not to like this kind of philosophy. I find it self-defeating.


I think that was the point. ;) :lol:
Don't worry, it wasn't directed at you, GorC was just saying they'd pretty given up on it.

I'm finally starting to understand what people have said all my life - don't seek love, just live life and be happy - and there's a high chance it'll just happen if you cross paths and allow it to happen.



Pabalebo
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30 Jan 2013, 9:00 pm

I don't really seek it... I just f**k it up every time I have a chance at it...

Like I said, I can't stand the PUA pricks who go out and look for a hookup, ANY hookup... my problem isn't lack of chances, my problem is lack of knowledge of what to do with those chances and fear of taking them... it's almost MORE frustrating than the dark days of high school when no one would ever even show the slightest interest. At least then, it wasn't entirely my fault...


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MountainLaurel
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31 Jan 2013, 12:06 am

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I live with a girl who is REALLY easily creeped out. Doesn't really explain why she'd voluntarily choose to live with me... but anyway, going by her definitions... EVERYTHING is creepy!

OK; just assume that she has a particularly sensitive creep gag response. Assign her at 10 on the 1-10 Creep Sensitivity Scale and move on. Most women are not at 10. (The woman you met at the party after the last track event seems to be at the lower, more tolerant end of the CSScale.) You know intellectually that your fear of creeping out is overblown.

There's a leitmotif I hear when reading the dating troubles of the guys here on WP; they're extremely self conscious. Yeah, I know; duh. But it's to the point of grandiosity. They are so afraid of their deficits that they don't actually focus on enjoying the presence of the woman. In a social realm (dating) they keep their focus locked inward. And yes, they're looking for a formula as a key. But, as I think you know; a formula in this case, is just another layer of insulation, bundling them inside, huddled up with their fears.

You, Pab, don't need a key. The door is unlocked and women are inviting you outside. Have you ever used visualization in order to help achieve a better outcome in anything? Imagine yourself looking inward at your dreads. Then look out and see the door open to the fresh air. Walk through the door into the weather. The weather outside the door is a metaphor for your relationship with the women with whom you have a mutual attraction. That relationship has all the attributes of weather; uncontrollable, only partially predictable and dynamic. The dynamic aspect of relationships requires your attention outward, not inward. But it's worth it, because it's big and beautiful, like the weather. Visualize interacting with it physically.

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I'm just really f***ing scared of it for some reason. Maybe I just need to go out and purposefully get slapped and told off just to prove to myself that it isn't actually that bad...

Yep, but don't do it on purpose to get slapped. Go out in in good faith with the assumption that you may get slapped occasionally and still survive. (Heck maybe even the relationship will survive it; they usually do.)



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31 Jan 2013, 1:10 am

Pabalebo wrote:
This has to be my fundamental, underlying problem.

I think one of the things about AS is that we draw every thought out to it's logical conclusion somewhere in hyperbole... for example, at one point I took my libertarian political views to such an extreme that I considered myself an anarchist for about a year. Anyway, I digress...

How does this relate to dating? Well, as a forever logical Aspie, I base my conclusions on facts I know. Therefore:
Fact #1: Women reject guys they consider creepy.
Fact #2: Women consider a lot of things creepy, and I don't know what all of them are.
Fact #3: Women talk to each other about their feelings.
Conclusion: If one woman finds me creepy, everyone in town will think so in a couple of days. Goodbye social life.


Sort of true, but not all women buy into the opinions of their friends. Some can think for themselves. Just don't be over the top, be careful with what you say. Reputations can form, but you can't worry yourself to death- it'll eat you up.



unduki
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31 Jan 2013, 1:35 am

Well, you could just move to a place like Southern California for awhile. Everyone is weird here. You'd fit right in. You could always move back home once you find a woman.

Ok, lame.

Have you ever thought that what people might find creepy about you is that you try to be normal? I've spent the better part of my life trying to be "normal" and wearing the mask I thought people wanted to see. I think they can sense the falseness. I often felt distrusted for no good reason and was confused a lot. Not everyone likes the released me but tough. I'm not here to please them.


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Pabalebo
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31 Jan 2013, 1:38 am

[

Quote:
leitmotif


Never heard that word before. What does it mean? I like learning new words hahaha

Quote:
You, Pab, don't need a key. The door is unlocked and women are inviting you outside. Have you ever used visualization in order to help achieve a better outcome in anything? Imagine yourself looking inward at your dreads. Then look out and see the door open to the fresh air. Walk through the door into the weather. The weather outside the door is a metaphor for your relationship with the women with whom you have a mutual attraction. That relationship has all the attributes of weather; uncontrollable, only partially predictable and dynamic. The dynamic aspect of relationships requires your attention outward, not inward. But it's worth it, because it's big and beautiful, like the weather. Visualize interacting with it physically.


I use visualization all the time, especially with abstract concepts like this. I like this metaphor, especially since my profession (weather) is entirely about taking a chance based on things you THINK you know...

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Yep, but don't do it on purpose to get slapped. Go out in in good faith with the assumption that you may get slapped occasionally and still survive. (Heck maybe even the relationship will survive it; they usually do.)


Ha. You're right, that was a stupid idea to begin. I was having some particularly bad thoughts run through my head when I wrote that.

I'm trying to remember how I felt when I ran my first 5k race ever... like dating, running a good race is an art form, or at best, an inexact science. I know I was nervous as all hell... I was the fat kid on the team, by far the worst runner. But the gun went off and I "ran" the race... pretty terribly. I was dead last in the entire race by over 5 minutes. The football team of the school we were racing against laughed at me as a struggled to run 9-minute miles past their practice field. It was f*****g humiliating and I wanted to quit. Yet here I am, 8 years later, able to run 5.5 miles faster than I could run 3 in that first race. How did I convince myself to gut it out, and turn off my nervousness whenever I'd go to run? Maybe it's because I knew, the gun was going off whether I was ready for it or not, so I might as well be ready for it. That's what I did... I turned off my brain, turned off the noise of my thoughts.... "What if I'm last again?" "What if those assholes laugh at me again?" etc, etc... and just ran. And it worked. And now instead of being the fat kid that got laughed at for being so slow, I'm a marathon runner, president of a track club, and a ranked cross country runner on a pretty decent collegiate team.

That was in the area of running, where humiliating things actually HAPPENED TO ME. This current problem is in the area of dating, where NOTHING humiliating has actually happened to me yet. It's like I'm dressed in all my racing stuff, on the start line, the gun goes off, and I either just stand there or start jogging, because I'm afraid if I take one serious step I'll injure myself. Or, best case scenario so far, I start racing, and then start walking after a couple hundred yards because I think I MIGHT feel a twinge in my leg (metaphor for awkwardness). You're right, that's a f*****g stupid way to race or train, and an equally f*****g stupid way to live life, and I'm done doing it that way. I need to learn to live life the way I race: all out. I'll be injured when I'm actually injured. And even then, unless my leg's broken or something, I'll probably run through it.

I think, after tomorrow, I may take a break from this site, perhaps permanently (after tomorrow because I want to see people's responses to various things I've posted, as well as find out what "leitmotif" means). It's starting to take up too much of my time and too much of my thoughts. Aside from that, if that long-winded metaphor I just typed means anything, it's that the warm-up period of planning, talking, thinking, worrying.... that's over. I'm on the line and it's time to RACE!


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Pabalebo
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31 Jan 2013, 1:40 am

unduki wrote:
Have you ever thought that what people might find creepy about you is that you try to be normal?


My problem isn't even that people actually find me creepy. My problem is that I'm scared of people finding me creepy. Entirely within my own head.


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unduki
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31 Jan 2013, 1:53 am

Pabalebo wrote:
unduki wrote:
Have you ever thought that what people might find creepy about you is that you try to be normal?


My problem isn't even that people actually find me creepy. My problem is that I'm scared of people finding me creepy. Entirely within my own head.


Oh dear... well, stop it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gyL1QFcls0


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31 Jan 2013, 2:55 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
An example of creepy on okc:

mod edit: please do not post screenshots of people's profiles


I think you need to make her adventure in bed, bro.



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31 Jan 2013, 11:19 am

A leitmotif is a recurring musical theme, associated within a particular piece of music with a particular person, place or idea. -Urban dictionary