Page 1 of 1 [ 14 posts ] 

Tyri0n
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Nov 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,879
Location: Douchebag Capital of the World (aka Washington D.C.)

03 Feb 2013, 12:59 am

Check this out. I was asking for advice from NT's on how to handle ASD disclosure with potential dates (note, there are a lot of girls who do respond to me here, so not sure what he meant by "dating" woes, the challenge is finding those who are compatible):


Quote:
You are licensed to drive a car? You are capable of making split second decisions, anticipating the unforeseen and taking into account the unpredictable behavior of other drivers on the road? Seriously ... That is verrry different from the "high functioning" autistic member of my family. Quit looking for some label to place on yourself and try to get along like everyone else.
We all have burdens to bear. Labeling yourself is not going to do you any favors.


Quote:
I also think you sound like a lot of 26 year old guys who are socially inept.
Why try to "blame" it on your "HFA?" if you can learn to drive a car, you can learn to interact with girls.
Don't use ypur "HFA" as an excuse for dating woes. You managed to overcome it in other areas of your life.


LMAO - maybe HFA was the wrong word to use and should have used PDD-NOS = Asperger's with a language delay -- which no one understands!

EDIT: More:

Quote:
...girls learn that I can't understand their flirting, talk without any inflection in my voice, and have a blank face that may creep them out. I also hate to be touched except in very specific circumstances. Is that enough to perhaps cause problems in a relationship?

Okay, that's specific enough that I feel qualified to answer.

Yes. These are huge things to get past, from her point of view. It's great that you're thinking of her point of view, many people who are not living with your challenges fail to do that, but yes. It will be hard for her to accept and it will cause problems.

There will be few who can cope with this. I'm sorry, I would like to tell you something more positive, but I cannot. It's going to be very difficult for you, and for your possible partners, in this area of life. NOT impossible... but difficult, yes.



Last edited by Tyri0n on 03 Feb 2013, 1:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

MXH
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jul 2010
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 13,056
Location: Here i stand and face the rain

03 Feb 2013, 1:06 am

I ran a mini experiment last week on a girl that messaged me. it was the 3rd reply I sent her when i told her. Herresponse was "Oh wow I wouldn't have known"

Well no s**t sherlock. I had said all of 3 sentences to you and its expected to know everything about someone.



ruckus
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jan 2011
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 398
Location: Australia

03 Feb 2013, 1:28 am

MXH wrote:
I ran a mini experiment last week on a girl that messaged me. it was the 3rd reply I sent her when i told her. Herresponse was "Oh wow I wouldn't have known"

Well no sh** sherlock. I had said all of 3 sentences to you and its expected to know everything about someone.

She was probably trying to be polite as most people would consider it unusual to disclose something like that to a stranger.



Tyri0n
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Nov 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,879
Location: Douchebag Capital of the World (aka Washington D.C.)

03 Feb 2013, 1:35 am

I like how that one user said I could not be on the spectrum because I can drive and then linked me to a list of social mistakes that autistic men supposedly make (my biggest social mistakes are looking "high" and not having anything in common with anyone from this planet, not the items on the list) that basically assumes someone who has a social circle with multiple close female friends.

After all, making close friends--female friends of all things-- HAS to be easier than operating a machine? LMAO.

I really really hate NT's right now...



ruckus
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jan 2011
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 398
Location: Australia

03 Feb 2013, 1:40 am

I wouldn't let a few people who are obviously uninformed about what it means to be on the spectrum influence your opinions too much. People tend to make rash, unthinking statements on the internet, try not to let it get to you.



Tyri0n
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Nov 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,879
Location: Douchebag Capital of the World (aka Washington D.C.)

03 Feb 2013, 1:52 am

Ok, but what's up with that site called the Autistic Support Network? It makes me mad too. It gives basic advice that I learned when I was 12 -- basically don't badger a woman and don't touch her without her permission-- and then has item 12 as a "social mistake":

Quote:
Not using your friends for support: It is possible to get so interested in your new date that you lose contact with your friends because even when you are not out with her, you are sitting around missing her. Very dangerous. Stay in touch with your friends. They are vital when your social life is stressed out. They may notice changes in your attitude or behavior or other ways you are not coping with life in general. Listen to them, but be aware of the person, usually the opposite sex, who may not have given up on you. True friends will accept your interest in another and want to help you be happy.


http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com/new ... z2Jofipdv3.

Seriously, this is messed up to just assume that someone on the spectrum even has those kinds of close friends, particularly female ones. Also odd to make this assumption in the context of a document with very basic, juvenile advice on how to treat women.

Well, I know how to operate a motor vehicle. I know how to respect women's boundaries and how not to be a stalker. I think I can safely say that I've been with over a dozen women--mostly compromise choices, not real interests--and haven't invaded anyone's boundaries. But I'm too "low-functioning" for #12 to even be remotely relevant to me.

I also offered to volunteer for an autism rights group in my area for a fundraiser, specifically telling them I was on the spectrum myself. Then I got a response saying: "How many friends do you think you could sign up for this?" Lol

I deleted the email and quit responding after that... Ignorant NT's



aspiemike
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jul 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,221
Location: Canada

03 Feb 2013, 1:57 am

In fairness to both of you, this person and yourself, I will have to agree with them when he says that you should not identify yourself with a label given to you by a shrink or doctor. You can acknowledge it and just focus on making you unique and different from everyone else instead. I don't think he used the right words to approach that in fairness to you, but the message I am getting is that he is telling you to stop looking for acceptance. We are not much different from NT's, but many will refuse to believe it due to some fear that they have.

I do think you might be blaming too much on something you were diagnosed with based on what his words are indicating and based on your post here.. I know this, as I was there myself. You can't let that diagnosis control your ability to make friendships. Your ego and your thoughts will eventually identify with all the rejection you feel and this will just make you miserable instead. I read in your POF post that you were thinking of giving up because of some criticism over your photos. Just listen to the words and consider the advice, and don't judge it, and don't get angry. Be the cool and calm guy who doesn't react or get defensive.



Tyri0n
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Nov 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,879
Location: Douchebag Capital of the World (aka Washington D.C.)

03 Feb 2013, 2:07 am

aspiemike wrote:
In fairness to both of you, this person and yourself, I will have to agree with them when he says that you should not identify yourself with a label given to you by a shrink or doctor. You can acknowledge it and just focus on making you unique and different from everyone else instead. I don't think he used the right words to approach that in fairness to you, but the message I am getting is that he is telling you to stop looking for acceptance. We are not much different from NT's, but many will refuse to believe it due to some fear that they have.

I do think you might be blaming too much on something you were diagnosed with based on what his words are indicating and based on your post here.. I know this, as I was there myself. You can't let that diagnosis control your ability to make friendships. Your ego and your thoughts will eventually identify with all the rejection you feel and this will just make you miserable instead. I read in your POF post that you were thinking of giving up because of some criticism over your photos. Just listen to the words and consider the advice, and don't judge it, and don't get angry. Be the cool and calm guy who doesn't react or get defensive.


Thanks for this response. I think leaving the label out was a good suggestion. The question was more over how to handle it and when to bring it up. However, this poster went a lot more into that. I am kind of sick of being accused of being high or playing video games all the time, and it seems like that's what this poster was getting at. I have never done either.

In addition, I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS approximately two months ago. Before this, I knew I had problems but did not know I was on the autism spectrum. If I have issues, it's through no lack of trying to mask them (sometimes successfully). The lack of friendships could be as much from my depression as from my autism. I don't know. It could be a bit of both. The lack of desire to pursue interests and activities that could lead to friendships could be part of why I have little in common with anyone. I have compulsive special interests, but not ones that are easy to share with others.

In the past, I have used the person I'm dating to develop a quasi-social circle. Though I was a lot more functional back then. It's usual that people use their friends to find someone to date. I kind of need to do the opposite, hence using POF.

So except for very recently, it's unlikely my label has been controlling my life. I am thinking of deleting POF. It seems my time would be better spent on acting classes. Then, I can just make up a character to suit my purposes, hop into a bar and be anything I want, and wouldn't have to deal with anyone judging my real character any more.



aspiemike
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jul 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,221
Location: Canada

03 Feb 2013, 2:21 am

Quote:
Thanks for this response. I think leaving the label out was a good suggestion. The question was more over how to handle it and when to bring it up. However, this poster went a lot more into that. I am kind of sick of being accused of being high or playing video games all the time, and it seems like that's what this poster was getting at. I have never done either.

In addition, I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS approximately two months ago. Before this, I knew I had problems but did not know I was on the autism spectrum. If I have issues, it's through no lack of trying to mask them (sometimes successfully). The lack of friendships could be as much from my depression as from my autism. I don't know. It could be a bit of both. The lack of desire to pursue interests and activities that could lead to friendships could be part of why I have little in common with anyone. I have compulsive special interests, but not ones that are easy to share with others.

In the past, I have used the person I'm dating to develop a quasi-social circle. Though I was a lot more functional back then. It's usual that people use their friends to find someone to date. I kind of need to do the opposite, hence using POF.

So except for very recently, it's unlikely my label has been controlling my life. I am thinking of deleting POF. It seems my time would be better spent on acting classes. Then, I can just make up a character to suit my purposes, hop into a bar and be anything I want, and wouldn't have to deal with anyone judging my real character any more.


I can guarantee you it is your anxiety and depression that is causing your problems, not him or anyone else. Your fear and depression is controlling your mind and ego. Take back control of your mind. I guarantee you will have less problems connecting with others if you can do that.



Tyri0n
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Nov 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,879
Location: Douchebag Capital of the World (aka Washington D.C.)

03 Feb 2013, 2:33 am

aspiemike wrote:
Quote:
Thanks for this response. I think leaving the label out was a good suggestion. The question was more over how to handle it and when to bring it up. However, this poster went a lot more into that. I am kind of sick of being accused of being high or playing video games all the time, and it seems like that's what this poster was getting at. I have never done either.

In addition, I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS approximately two months ago. Before this, I knew I had problems but did not know I was on the autism spectrum. If I have issues, it's through no lack of trying to mask them (sometimes successfully). The lack of friendships could be as much from my depression as from my autism. I don't know. It could be a bit of both. The lack of desire to pursue interests and activities that could lead to friendships could be part of why I have little in common with anyone. I have compulsive special interests, but not ones that are easy to share with others.

In the past, I have used the person I'm datin
g to develop a quasi-social circle. Though I was a lot more functional back then. It's usual that people use their friends to find someone to date. I kind of need to do the opposite, hence using POF.

So except for very recently, it's unlikely my label has been controlling my life. I am thinking of deleting POF. It seems my time would be better spent on acting classes. Then, I can just make up a character to suit my purposes, hop into a bar and be anything I want, and wouldn't have to deal with anyone judging my real character any more.


I can guarantee you it is your anxiety and depression that is causing your problems, not him or anyone else. Your fear and depression is controlling your mind and ego. Take back control of your mind. I guarantee you will have less problems connecting with others if you can do that.


Maybe sensory issues too? I didn't know I had these until I described something recently and was told by a professional that's what those are. These have definitely been getting worse.

Why is it that sensory issues and depression can get worse in adults with autism who have previously developed good coping mechanisms, basically reversing years of progress?



aspiemike
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jul 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,221
Location: Canada

03 Feb 2013, 2:39 am

What Aspergers at it's core is heightened senses with problems in social settings and communication. Once the senses are controlled and understood, only then can the problems with social settings and communication be improved. The senses can easily cause a meltdown if not kept under control.

I hope that helps with some of what you are trying to understand. Your senses are causing some of this fear and depression as well maybe. But again, it's all mind control and your brain is telling you how to react to things. Sometimes you have to alter how you think in order to grow and make progress.



Wrackspurt
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Aug 2007
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 733

04 Feb 2013, 9:51 am

Tyri0n wrote:
Check this out. I was asking for advice from NT's on how to handle ASD disclosure with potential dates (note, there are a lot of girls who do respond to me here, so not sure what he meant by "dating" woes, the challenge is finding those who are compatible):

Quote:
You are licensed to drive a car? You are capable of making split second decisions, anticipating the unforeseen and taking into account the unpredictable behavior of other drivers on the road? Seriously ... That is verrry different from the "high functioning" autistic member of my family. Quit looking for some label to place on yourself and try to get along like everyone else.
We all have burdens to bear. Labeling yourself is not going to do you any favors.


Wow. They know one whole high-functioning person. Expert there. Someone likes their soapbox. I would have asked them where they graduated with their doc degree.

I love when you ask for honest advice and you get a jackarse answerer. People on the spectrum aren't supposed to be feeling or sensitive... I think it's often the other way around myself.



IlovemyAspie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Mar 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,030
Location: Alone

04 Feb 2013, 1:16 pm

I think the ignorant comments come from just that-ignorance. I think people watch too much tv and have a distorted view of Autism. I speak a lot about ASD now to my friends and family. I feel obligated to educate them. They had so many wrong ideas. Please don't think all NT's are like this. We're not!! !



MXH
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jul 2010
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 13,056
Location: Here i stand and face the rain

04 Feb 2013, 1:23 pm

ruckus wrote:
MXH wrote:
I ran a mini experiment last week on a girl that messaged me. it was the 3rd reply I sent her when i told her. Herresponse was "Oh wow I wouldn't have known"

Well no sh** sherlock. I had said all of 3 sentences to you and its expected to know everything about someone.

She was probably trying to be polite as most people would consider it unusual to disclose something like that to a stranger.


I know that, but i just found it to be a very silly response instead of something more connecting that could have been said.