Yes, another 'Is my SO aspie?' and what should I do thread.

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I apologize, and can only say I've perused many of these threads, but I need advice based on my own information. Please assume I'm familiar with general advice in this arena.

I'm not aspie, but think the boyfriend might be. I'm in my late 30s, he's on the old side of early 50s. Both of us are attractive, multiple-degreed professionals. On the attractiveness scale I do have the upper hand.

We've been together just less than a year. He's been married and has a child, 2 years ago I got out of a tremendously emotional and drama-filled 11-year relationship. I've had mini relationships with men since then, but clearly had intimacy issues.

My SO had been divorced for about 7 years after about a 14-year relationship. He's English; not using 'British' as that would be an insult to his upper-crust 'did'ja go to Oxford?' attitude. Not top of the economic heap, but both my family and I are upper-middle class. The adorable English over-enunciated accent is proper well past the point of sexiness.

He's smart, attractive and interesting. He's had a sheltered, only-child posh life. He's distant, but I'm working on sharing more. He's awkward, but wooed me eel. Once in though, his aspie behavior became more prevalent to me. He was the first to say he loved me; I waited another two months to be certain. Once that word came out it was mild aspie behavior from then on.

He's clearly on a high-functioning level as he's gotten this far with his life. It's clear he. adores his tweenager and parents. He classifies acquaintances as friends.

I can give as many examples of aspie behavior as you want. I'm now frustrated as I've hinge well over what I'd been capable with other men, but although he recognizes he needs to give more, he simply can't.

At one point I mentioned Asperger's to him and that conversation got cur-off very quickly. Due to his age I'd be shocked if he had a formal diagnosis, but he is smart enough to know he has issues.

I've generally used his cultural background and solitary, Brirish public school upbringing as an excuse or reason for his distance. He freaks out and cries when I try to leave, but hates addressing anything emotional.

I would be thrilled if he could acknowledge he might be aspie and patchy show me or explain prior before-me examples. He's smart enough that we can work on the issue. As it is, every expectation of 'normal' behavior results in a discussion of how he's not behaving within the expected confines of behavior. We're both tired of discussung it; I feel I'm asking for bare minimums, and he feels like I'm a drama queen. We're both exhausted, and the situation us becoming untenable. Help please!

Thank you in advance

Sorry as to any apparently odd grammar. On the phone and it and Swype are not cooperating!

I'm about your SO's age, and although I'm American, I've always been obsessed with all things British, to the extent that I spell colour with a u and so on. Which is to say, I don't understand the culture perfectly, but have a better grasp than most Americans.

First of all, growing up undiagnosed seems to leave us with a great deal more damage than you might imagine. I knew there was something "wrong" with me before I entered school, but never knew what. Since I had other issues (legally blind, odd, overprotective parents) I explained everything in those terms. But I hit an "invisible wall" after growing up a "genius", and not understanding why I was so bad at so many things nearly ripped my life apart. What I know of life in an English public school would suggest he almost certainly has more damage from his schooling than I do - which is saying a lot. (Google "Phoebe Prince" - the superintendent of that school system was a teacher at my high school - a fact I only discovered after I sensed a certain familiar tone in the quotes appearing in news stories - attributed to "the South Hadley superintendent" or something similar - and decided to find out who he was. I know why that poor girl killed herself; she was the victim of a vein of bureaucratic indifference he learned on his first job and I fought unsuccessfully throughout high school - which was not the worst period of my schooling...) So he's been through a lot, and would naturally resist any label being tacked on him unless he was very sure it fit - he might even resist it then. Because labels are what get you bullied.

As for why he got "more aspie" once the relationship was closer - he finally felt comfortable with you, and trusted you. We can't hide what we are all the time, we have to relax sometime. It isn't even conscious, just that we relax when we feel safe. In that sense, it is a compliment.

If you want him to change, giving him a chance to think about it, without pressure, is probably best. We don't react well to pressure usually. I really hope you can find a way to make things work out.

I'm not quite sure exactly what the problem is, but a couple things stood out for me, which I've bolded.

"Bare mimumim"... minimum what? Time together? Behaviour standards? Number of friends?? I've often seen this ambiguous statement used when she doesn't know WHAT she wants, except she's not happy, therefore he's not delivering the "minimum" something-or-other. Can you clarify this?

What's more concerning is you've obviously threatened to leave him (and it appears to be more than once.) So why are you doing this? Put him on the defensive? Force him to change his ways to make you happier? To stop doing what he wants and do what you want?
Can you specify why you're making these threats to leave and end the relationship? That's actually pretty big "drama queen" behaviour...

Don't worry - he's not off the hook either. If you're in a relationship and he's spending all his time in his special interest and ignoring you, just spell out to him - simply, clearly and without drama/over-emotion - what it is you need from him. No @%^# crying!! Do it with a letter if you can't.


Don't forget - you need to meet him part-way... he can't be the only one doing all the changing. HE needs to be happy too! You're going to have to accept the fact he enjoys other things in this world besides you. He needs his occasional alone time and hates drama... YOU need to work with that to some degree.

theWanderer, I appreciate the info. I do sort of consider his relaxation around me a compliment and can only guess what British public school, what we call private school, did to him whether aspie or not.

BlueMax, I'm limited re descriptions only as I think a novel would be inappropriate. I've always been accused of having a 'guy' attitude to the extent that helps.

'Bare minimums' means communication and attention. So we're clear, the amount of attention I'm asking for is what has gotten me yelled at for indifference by several partners. My fear of intimacy fits him perfectly, but I can 'step out' objectively and be slightly shocked by how little I expect. Sex, however, isn't an issue as we are veritable bunnies.

It's the communication that's really the issue. I have to guess at feelings and thoughts, but he did put forth more effort in the beginning.

Do I want him to change? A bit perhaps, but I'd be very very thrilled with a reason. At best I'd like him to objectively realize what aspie behaviors he has and maybe make an effort about 50% of the time. I don't need a formal diagnosis and guys detachment somehow works for the amount if intimacy I'm comfortable with too. I probably can't change much myself.

As far as communication, I'm a writer - one of the rare hyperlexic spectrumites out there - and there are things I am silent on because I cannot speak any more than a classic autistic could. And communication on other topics can be exhausting, or if it proves too difficult, even become impossible. Add to that the fact that an Englishman, of his age and class, would have been taught to do anything but communicate, and I have to suspect if he put forth more effort in the beginning, it may have been a desperate burst, all he felt he could possibly accomplish.

If you make any gains there, I suspect it will be slow, difficult, and you'll have to half read his mind to begin with. I think this is one thing even some of us don't realise - I wouldn't have noticed it myself if it weren't for the fact any silence or inability to communicate is so odd for me - but since it is, I have noticed myself, literally, desperately wishing someone could read my mind (yes, I know that is unreasonable, but that doesn't stop wishing) and being as helpless to communicate as if I were mute and illiterate. Such a state is terrifying for me, but I can't always avoid it. The more I'm pushed toward it, the harder I find it to touch on that area at all. Another thought, although I don't know if this will work for him, but at least in my case, if I can crack that wall at all, it is easier to communicate on paper (or screen, although I have a love of fountain pens and ink, and paper is best of all for me) and perhaps a bit obliquely. Fiction, poetry, metaphor, something other than coming right out and saying it. Note that this is not the way I'd like it to be, but, if I can work around it at all, the only way around some blocks.

I'm trying to express this clearly, but I'm not sure how I'm doing, since the topic is a humiliating one for me. (I think I might almost rather publicly confess to being impotent if that were the case...) If you have any questions, I'll try to answer.

KatVonA - I'm in a very similar situation, with some differences. The man I am/was dating, and still keep in touch (mainly via e-mail these days..which is strange to me) is in his early 30's, but is what I usually call an "old soul".

My friends also tell me I think too much like a "guy", because I tend to be "too rational" at times and don't take too many things personally. Nonetheless, I am a woman...and I think that some qualities are innate to our "kind"' and for as unorthodox as my thinking can be...i guess i still have my occasional lack of clarity blurred by my very intense emotions.

I have not asked him if he as Aspergers, and quite frankly am seriously debating whether I should. The consensus is that I should not. Will it help him? Or will it help me? If it's more of a selfish motivation then I'll just leave it alone and allow him to tell me. If i truly think that it'll remove some "anxiety" from his end, then I'll ask him, but not directly.

theWanderer - I think you expressed yourself wonderfully. I'm pretty sure I understood what you wrote (and didn't write). It's a coincidence that you mentioned your love for fountain pens and writing on paper. I have a feeling that my friend is the same way. I very much enjoy writing and started a blog a few months ago which has captured some of my most intimate thoughts...things that would surprise even those closest to me. This blog was an indirect (or deliberately direct) suggestion by my friend after a conversation we had. He didn't actually suggest I start my own blog, but did it in a very subtle way.

Should I just break out the pen and paper and write him? I used to do that quite a lot some years ago...but with the internet...unfortunately that stopped...

Oh...and he doesn't kid around with his fountain pens...he has a Mont Blanc...which I know all too well because my brother also has one and I know how awesome they are.

"Is my SO an aspie?"

I dunno - who cares?

"What should I do?"

Figure out what his quirks are, live with those (instead of trying to change him) and love him anyway,

It certainly won't hurt anything. At least in my case, writing is the ideal medium of communication. And a handwritten note or letter written in fountain pen is a pretty effective means. (Writing made with a fountain pen is almost as obvious as letterpress printing versus the modern stuff...)

Is your SO an Aspie? I wouldn't know based off the details.
He is just another person that has come along in your life and you happen to be involved in some relationship with him. It appears that the two of you, not just him, have communication issues. You feel he is only giving hte minimum, and he feels you're a drama queen being the proof there is communication issues. In fact, there is labelling going on now because it appears someone wants an excuse for your SO's behaviour. I have to ask what excuses or reasons has he given you for his behaviour?

BlueMax and aspiemike, I understand your point, but some level of acknowledgment from him that he might be aspie would just be a relief and an explanation. I'm somewhat of a weirdo in that an explanation is my main goal-not changing him.

In my opinion I've either got an SO who is selfish/uncaring, aspie, or a product of his upper-crust English stiff-upper-lip background or a combination of two or all three of those traits.

From reading similar threads it seems there is a great deal of confirmation bias when NTs try to describe their loved one's behavior. I could give you examples galore, but they would probably seem the same. Off the top of my head there's an inability to read body language and verbal cues, intense interest on the minutia of esoteric topics, sensitivity to sound and touch, inappropriate but completely logical and true statements during conversations with me and others, and the ever-so-lovely meltdowns where he needs to be alone in his dark bedroom wrapped like a burrito in his blanket.

If most of his behavior that is an issue for me (not the above descriptions) is because he's aspie then I know he can only do so much to control it. But, if his uncommunicative nature and the things he does that I think are cold and hurtful are because he's a selfish prig then there's no need to continue this. If those things are a product of his background and/or differences in how we believe a relationship should work then there might be wiggle room depending on our flexibility.

Not looking for a perfect relationship; lord knows I'm far from it. I think it's the English thing that confuses me most and also what makes me think it would be difficult for him to address. However, he has addressed things I do that irritate him like my chronic lateness.

Several of the things you describe certainly have nothing to do with being English - and no matter how selfish or uncaring someone may be, they usually do worry about their own interests. (Say, if he were involved with you, he might be attentive enough to "keep" you, even as he ignored everyone else's feelings.) Selfishness is selective - it worries about what matters to the selfish person, just not anything else. In other words, even if he might not - quite - qualify for a diagnosis (in any case, different professionals may have different opinions on the same individual), he sounds as if he's far enough along the spectrum you may as well think of him as aspie.

Of course, it is impossible to keep your upbringing from interacting with your personality. So what you have is a blend of English upper class upbringing and aspie. I suspect there may be two reasons he resists admitting or discussing this - natural English reticence, especially about something that personal and, for someone his age, "shameful", combined with the aspie resistance to new ideas unless they're ones we're ready for (and, preferably, initiate).

I'm in a bit of a hurry right now, so I don't have time to see if I posted this already. I am hyperlexic, a writer. And there are still things I can't talk about, at all, even if I want to. That's embarrassing to admit, and until I figured out I was on the spectrum, had me wondering if I were simply crazy. Given his English background and his aspie traits, I suspect there's a pretty good chance this is something he is literally incapable of having any kind of discussion about. Since he can't exactly admit that, he's bound to duck it, dodge it, avoid it, do whatever he can to make sure it never confronts him face to face. At least, that's my take on it.