Seeing my a girl that broke my heart.

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I'm seeing her on Saturday. We came to Hawaii together back in September of 2012 and she stayed in Hawaii while I returned to Seattle. I'm back for 10 days and I'm going to meet with her and catch up in two days. I'm surpressing my anxiety and sadness, but it's not in my nature to run away from pain- I like to know what I'm afraid of and run headlong into it to conquer them. This works extremely well sometimes and women think I'm a man for it, but not all battles can be won and this tactic also hurts me. I'm not sure which one this meeting with my ex is going to be.

She taught me how to love again. I've spent my whole life feeling ugly, inadequate, angry and secretly bitter and she saw those things once she spent 9 months around me. I had this emotional armour around me because I've been hurt by every single woman that I let into my life- My mother is mentally ill (borderline personality disorder) and abused me emotionally and verbally all my life, two of my ex's cheated on me (she wants to marry me now, she apologized and cried but I said no) and the other two (including this one im talking about) did nothing wrong, I was just crushed when they left me.

She gave me a shot because we were so close, we were best friends..and she said love comes in many forms ...we spent September together and I've never in my life expressed my love for another human being sexually like that. I've had gfs before, but I now know I didnt LOVE them as women- I loved them as people ...and I never felt so mcuh during sex as with this girl im taking about. Its pretty mushy. I surpress and hide my emotions because I have a LOT- it just drives girls away andd makes other guys not respect you so I hide them.. I wasn't right for her and I accept that...she met a much older man in Hawaii and was with him for a while - he turned out to be a liar. Shes probably with another guy by now. I try not to think about it.

My depression was terrible when she broke up with me, then my mood became flat for months, and in the recent month it's gotten better. Now that im in Hawaii again within 2 miles of where she lives, I've felt sad...but also very happy that I'm back where I grew up. Hawaii is a special place. there is nowhere else in the world like it. I'm so grateful to have grown up here in the islands...I wouldnt have traded it for anything else in the world. I have so many emotions swirling inside of me ...I've cried on my friends shoulder (shes a girl, so she was understanding of my situation) because I didnt know how to act...but inside I've finally gotten over my last ex. She was my first love. The previous ones were good friends and I liked them- I thought I loved them but I was just lonely. I finally learned howto love and share myself...and for that I'm so grateful. I helped her grow in many ways too, and to her, I'm one of the few people who have impacted her life strongly..I do mean something to her and that is ultimately what I wanted. I want to have her in my life somehow-and to do that, I must go see her on Saturday.

I felt extreamely hurt that she stayed in Hawaii, the amazing place where I'm from, and met a some other guys and falling in love with Hawaii...but now, I'm almost overjoyed that I was able to introduce her to a new phase of her life and opportunities to find love. It hurts, but I'm now happy that she is loving it here. I hated it for 4 months. 5 months later, I've finally learned to be happy for her. I've never once been genuinely happy for a woman who hurt me directly, or indirectly (one that just broke up with me- one that didn't cheat on me or hurt me with words)

All this mushy feely talk is making me feel exposed, but what the hey....love is love right...and I love her.

I hope the girls I'm dating do not see this. Unlikely, but I stil am kind of worried haha.

it feels good to have that off my chest.

I'm glad you're going to see her. It will most likely make you feel both happy and sad. That's love; happy to be in the presence of the beloved and sad to leave, knowing you will be parted by time and distance.

I'm glad you expressed this here, it makes me remember a couple of meetings with my 1st husband after he moved away (and we were divorced) and I still loved him. It's possible for some of us to love and let the person go without anger, but just with love.

That is exactly how I feel. I saw her on Friday instead of Today (sat). We met up around 1pm, got coffee, had dinner, walked and talked then went to hang out with my friends till midnight. I drove her to the place shes at now and told her that I love her and always will. I gave her advice with the guy(s) shes in love with and having small issues over. It made me sad, but also very happy that we can be friends. We mean so much to each other- obviously she means something very different to me, but I am still one of her closest friends. I'm dating someone new and its still in the beginning stages.

We made plans to go to Japan for 2-3 weeks in August before she moves to Indonesia, then India after. I get to travel with her again in August and more in the future. We will be travelling buddies to other countries for our lives...and we talked about the far future when we are in our 30s and 40s...I told her that I want her , her future husband and her kids to come visit me, my future wife and my kids and our children can play together while I go off fishing with her husband...while she and my wife chat away. She told me that I will be that one "uncle" who will be one of her childrens best role models and the one to teach her sons how to play football (because I played and love football).... and that our families will be very close friends. I told her that she will be that "hippie Aunt" to my children- the kind that my kids will ask me about and when she wil visit again. the one that helps them foster their artistic and poetic talent.

She won't be back in America for at last 1.5 years...and even when she comes back, she will probably never live in the same city or town as me again. I've accepted and am at peace over her not feeling as strong an attraction to me as I did her- its not ever going to live in the same place (in a literal sense) that is making me sad. The whole time I saw her from 1pm to 1am yesterday filled me with joy as well as sadness. But no anger was to be found- and I am happy about that. I'm filled with joy that she and I will be in each others lives for decades to come.


Meeting for dinner and catching up. talked about our children playing together and our future plans to travel together. All that mushy stuff. I am happy and feel strong for the 1st time since high school. (im 22 going 23). This was easily the hardest thing emotionally that I've done and overcame on my own power (as opposed to getting through something and accepting). I didn't accept it and let it become a memory- I went towards the pain and created a future in which I can have her in my life and vice versa. best possible outcome.

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