Aspies and Family Life HELP!

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Well... I thought I had this all worked out. Back in October I came to the realization my bf is Aspie. This was good. I came here and got a lot of information and almost over night our communication became wonderful. Things were going along well taking a little backtrack over the holidays, which I expected since it is not his favorite time and the change in routine etc. It was starting to get better then he agreed to work on an independant film. Filming took a lot of his time and he was off schedule and things felt off. He also hates his job and wants his photography career to take off.. he is great at it and I know it will it is just not as fast as he would like. We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter who is really smart and curious which equals a handful. We live pretty much paycheck to paycheck right now so there is no money for dates and baby sitters and my mom already keeps her 3 days a week while we work (we pay a sitter the other 2 days) so I can't ask Grandma.

For a little over a month now he has become more and more distant and has even started being short tempered and clearly angry.. though not agressive or physical at all. I tried to talk to him about it and he told me he just needed to sort things out. A week later I brought it up again and he told me he was offered to go out of the country for a shoot but it would cost $1000. I jumped on it.. hey, we will make that happen.. I will even go back to picking up some night shifts to help. He said no. He wants his photography to pay for it or not go. The whole time he kept saying I don't want to take from my family over and over. So ok... I thought he was upset about career stuff. I sent him many emails and text of support and how much I love him and believe in him (looking back I think this was very overwhelming... lesson learned)

As he became more distant and angry at all of us (I have a 14 year old Aspie son) One night I asked him "are you unahppy" he said kinda. I said do you want to end this? he said "I don't know" I just need to sort it all out. Then suddenly his nose was in his computer all the time and it was turned so I couldn't easily see it. I assumed he found somone else.

Last night I just couldn't take it so I very calmly asked "shall I just assume you have found somone else and you have made your decision and are just staying here until you can get the money to move out?" He said No no no it is not like that at all. There is no one else... I believe him (based on what I know of him and the particular way he reacted) As we talked on he said he had not yet decided but now thinks he should move out. That he loves me very much and doesn't want to start up with anyone else. That he WANTS it to work with me, but as much as he loves me he doesn't feel in love with me and that he doesn't know why. (he said he has been in love with me during the relationship and is not sure why he is not feeling it now) The relationship is exactly what he wants but he feels that he should be feeling something that he doesn't feel. He said he has broken down several times over trying to figure it out because he wants it so much.

I did tell him I understood and that basically he stayed with me all the time about a month after we started dating, two months and I was pregnant another few weeks and he was laid off and I had alreayd been laid off my job... then add a handful baby, a job he hates, no money no time.... it makes sense that he is overwhelmed and usure of anything.

Through talking it all out we have decided he would move out. We would be seperated but still "together" we would not be telling people we were seperated or changing facebook status etc. He wants to regroup and then for us to try dating each other. I did not push for any of this and I told him that if he was not in love with me and didn't want me that I wanted to move on to someone who would. That I am willing to try and would love for us to be a family again but I wont wait indefinitely either.

I really think, based on the things he said, that it is not that he is not in love with me as much as our life is out of hand. He is unhappy career wise and wanting the photography, broke, crazy kid, NO time alone.. we are never US.. I am mommy and he is daddy and we are together but we never have tme for just the two of us. I think it is more lack of connection and nurturing our relationship more than anything (though feedback is appreciated on this.. it is only my speculation)

He wants to move as close as he can and still see our daughter and therefore see me (as in visiting with her at the house) he said he would take her overnight as I need though I plan to wait for him to ask if he can have her while he regroups. He said he would like to still talk with me and come make dinner for us. He says he really wants us to be "in love" with me. I believe all of this and would love some feedback form any of you who have been here and what would have or did help you.

My plan at this point is to just let him move out. Not text, email, call... unless absolutely necessairy and by that I mean not making up "reasons" to contact him. Focus on myself and the kids and just being happy and healthy. I will respond to any call, text, email from him. I am not trying to shut him out just give him space.

As much as I really want him to be gone two weeks and then want to start dating me I am speculating it will take him longer to settle and regroup. I am thinking 2-3 months may be more accurate. He is the only man I have ever truly been in love with. I want this to work and I want to do the right things by him. I am trying to read about Apies in love and I am here for all of your feedback. I have come so far with both my bf and my son thanks to those on this site. What would you want if you were in this position? What would you view as positive?

He will be living with me until he can find a place and says he still wants to hug and kiss because he loves me and he wants a relationship with me. He has calmed down a great deal since we have discussed this. I told him as long as he was always honest I would be calm. I didn't cry or get mad at him. Honestly I have felt calm today as if we are on the path to reconnecting. I know it will take a long time. I am planning a year of just letting things go the way they go and then reevaluate where we are at and if we should keep going or call it off. Any and all advice is appreciated. Thank you all so much!

First piece of advice:

Don't write a wall of text like that w/ no spacing. Very few people will bother reading it because it's a pita to read. You'll get more responses if you break it up into paragraphs with some blank space between them vs. people clicking and then clicking back because they can't be bothered to try to decipher your message from a single massive wall of text.

Second:

Sounds to me like due to life/stress he's just not feeling the same intensity of love as he did & doesn't know why and is trying to figure it out. Here's the answer: Asperger's Syndrome. It's common that we'll be reeeeally in love, then not so much - almost indifferent, yet we still like the person & may even wish we felt that spark of attraction and intense interest.. but just don't at the moment, or for a while. All of this is sure to be impacted by stress & it sounds like he has it coming from multiple fronts. Diet and exercise and everything else are going to play their parts in all of this, too. Chances are that if he is still in love with you, but just feeling emotionally flat about it internally and racking his brain as to why, that if he stops trying to figure that out and just accepts it for the AS trait that it is and focuses on himself, his health & well being, reducing stress levels, getting work/career/cash flow things in order, working on any necessary physical/mental fitness goals etc that he'll end up with a much clearer mind and an increased capacity to feel in love again. However, even if someone with AS is in great physical & financial shape with low stress levels, their attraction/emotions/ability to love etc are likely still going to fluctuate - just maybe not to as great a magnitude. If he's unaware of this Aspie trait, have him read this and maybe it'll start making more sense to him and he can accept it and roll with it a little easier vs. wondering why his heart isn't skipping a beat like his brain thinks it ought to still be doing.

Chances are there is no one else & he's being Aspie-honest about that. Nothing you've said indicates that there is likely someone else, so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

Third:

I'd contact him more than absolutely necessary, just don't be smothering about it. It's all too easy for an Aspie to get caught up in their own little world and not call/text/email/write etc even to those they truly care about. If I were in your shoes, I'd still keep in contact a little more than just cut and dry concise business communication, just to re-affirm to him that you do still care and have not given up on him or on you as a couple/family. Just don't be overbearing or nagging about it. A friendly "hey, was just thinking about you and wondering how you're doing?" shouldn't be a problem.

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

In my frenzy I had not realized I had done that I have edited hopefully that helps as I really do want feedback.

In January we went Paleo and started really exercising. We have both felt better and are droping weight like crazy. But the rest of this is definitely weighing on him.

I am not sure how to approach letting him read about the in and out of love part. We have discussed traits at length, but we have never used the term Aspie (or any variation) I don't want to add stress or make it out like there is now something wrong with him, as I have never for a minute felt AS was "something wrong" just different from the way I do things. I told him when I first started coming here and he looked petrifed that I had learned a secret of his that he didn't want to talk about. So we have kept it to traits only no titles. But the explanation you gave me makes sense. Even NT's fall in and out of that passionate love feeling for no reason.

Not to seem slow here but what do you consider to be a good frequency. Once a day, every three days. I would like him to feel connected but not like "oh great another message" plus when it gets too much he doesn't answer and that hurts my feelings.

And thank you for suffering through the original post I didn't even catch the run on when I proof read.

No it doesn't not sound like there is someone else at all - what it sounds like is he is beginning or in the middle of a serious burnout - which is not the same as just "really stressed out".
If that is the case - then absolutely, him moving out is the best option for both of you. Staying is only going to cause more stress for both.

If he is having a burnout - then you might want to seriously reconsider telling him openly about AS and giving him resources for it. It is probable that there are things (maybe you can see them, maybe you can't) like executive dysfunction that could be heavily contributing to the burnout. Not to mention, if at least he knows, then he can start pinpointing and solving wherever possible on a case by case basis.

I know you think he's "functional" but if he is burning out that means either - a) he's taking on too much or b) he doesn't have the coping skills - and in truth it is probably some mixture of both. The issue is neither of those can be addressed if he doesn't know what he's dealing with.

I know you've been trying to do most of this yourself and have been thinking that if you take on enough that he won't have to but the truth is - it doesn't work that way. There are always going to be things - like the way he thinks and organizes in his mind - that aren't going to be apparent to you and that you can't help with. You've really reached the point where he has to know otherwise everything is going to fall flat.

Unfortunately he's probably not going to be able to reconnect with you until he starts coping or at least gets half a handle and a plan in place as a minimum.
Which for you doesn't sound entirely like a bad thing - because to be honest, it seems that you have been overgiving and need some serious time to yourself anyway. I know you want to make everything work but everything can't work by you running yourself into the ground either - it's not a valid solution. If I were you I would be putting in some decent effort of the free time that you do have into reinvesting in yourself (not in terms of money, but in terms of time).

KJAS as always your advice is amazing! And dead on. My BFF said the same thing to me about me fixing things and I should just focus on myself for a while. She is a great friend and very supportive of my crazy relationship which is great for helpful advice.

He is free this weekend and I asked if he would like to do something with our daughter and I or if he had other plans. He said sure, just plan something. I asked Saturday , Sunday or both. He said either or both. He does best outdoors and when he can shoot so I have planned to pack us a lunch (not call it a picknic as I like to make things an event and I think casual is better right now) and have two different fun locations in mind for a relaxed weekend. I also wrote him the following and wonder what you think?

I feel you are in the middle of a burnout and on the verge of shutting down. Not stressed out but on system overload. I was wrong. Instead of inendating you with long emails and text expressing my love and support I would have been better to just back off and give you some space to sort through things.

I know you having a place to yourself is what you need. To sort through everything and ground yourself again. I also know that financially that is overwhelming and on the verge of impossible. What do you think of finding an extended stay place for two months? They have internet so you could work and edit. You could come and go at the house as much or as little as you want. If you decide to stay gone longer that will be fine. If you decide that you want to move out perminantly you can come back to save money and then find a place of your own for good.

I really think some yoga or meditation would be helpful to you. Something to help clear your mind so you can sort through everything in there piece by piece. I sort of wonder if martial arts was that for you when you were younger. I know you need something for yourself. But I also know I can't tell you what that is.