Confessed my feelings - guess she's freaked out now

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child_of_the_moon
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26 Mar 2013, 7:43 am

Most of the time I seem to get along very well with aspergers. I even sometimes tend to think they might have diagnosed me wrong. I’m studying social work anyway so I can’t be autistic, right? Well, the only people I don’t lack empathy are children and that’s where I also work. I do understand them, I do feel them, simply love them, but just because most of the time I feel like one big child myself. Whatever. I still seem to get along with everyone else UNTIL they come to close to me. When it comes to developing feelings (platonically or romantically, it doesn’t matter) towards them everything turns weird. While my friends get along with it very well (they still like me and they admire my special traits) I so mess it up with people I develop crushes on. The problem is: I don’t even want to be in a relationship with them so I try to stop it right from the beginning. Most of the time it doesn’t work so I tell them but not give them any chance to reply or deny it. It’s like I’m turning down myself and that they don’t need to. I don’t even want to bother them with my feelings. I just want these feelings to go away so I need to verbalise them, because then they’re real. These people never understand why I do that, I guess they think I’m mentally ill in some freaky way. So a situation like this happened a few days ago and now the girl I confessed my feelings for is so pissed at me and calls me out for being so “defensive” about everything and that I even didn’t give her a chance to say anything. Okay, maybe I was a bit egoistic by just telling her: “I’m into you. I know you’re not into women and that’s okay.”, then I simply went to bed… the only thing before I went to bed she could say was: "Whaaaat? But you NEVER showed any signs to me!"

I don’t know what to do. She said things like: “I don’t know what’s going on with you and your life and I don’t want to judge you so I really don’t know what to say to you…” Now I feel kinda offended. I don’t know what to do. :( I so HATE disharmony, it leaves me so nervous and anxious. But I can NOT tell her about me being an aspie, right?

I need some serious help. :(



Ilka
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26 Mar 2013, 8:08 am

If you want to fix things up with her, I think you need to be honest. Not about your dx, but about the reason why you acted the way you did: because you were afraid. Afraid of your feelings for her. You can tell her you have never had a relationship and you were afraid of rejection, so you acted the way you did because that way she would reject you right away and the pain was going to be less. You can also tell her you are sorry because you know what you did was not fair, and that you would like to continue being friends if that is Ok with that. I think this is the best approach and that she will react positively. I think she has feelings for ou. At least as a friend. It is not nice damaging a possible friendship out of fear.



child_of_the_moon
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26 Mar 2013, 11:59 am

Thank you, Ilka. I wrote her these things, now I'm waiting on a response. So afraid of her reaction, I don't like that feeling. But if there's anything to fix, then I guess it was the right thing.
Again, thank you so much! I tend to freeze if it comes to emotional stuff.



goldfish21
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26 Mar 2013, 2:36 pm

child_of_the_moon wrote:
But I can NOT tell her about me being an aspie, right?


Why not?

She's a friend, no? Not like she's a coworker or boss or someone else it wouldn't serve you to disclose it to.

I mean, I can see keeping this don't tell rule in effect w/ new friends, but if she's a long time friend and likes and cares about you, why couldn't you tell her about being an aspie and this being the underlying reason why you are the way you are when it comes to dealing with things like this? Any true friend isn't going to judge you negatively for it. They'll simply be able to put the pieces of the puzzle together for themselves to better understand you as their friend.


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child_of_the_moon
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27 Mar 2013, 5:44 pm

Unfortunately she's a new "friend". :/

Update... she answered she's going to be busy the next days but she's planning on talking to me after that. She also needs to ease down a bit. At the end she told me to have a good time/enjoy myself. That means at least she doesn't hate me and it's important enough for her to talk about it, right?



Ilka
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28 Mar 2013, 11:14 am

child_of_the_moon wrote:
Update... she answered she's going to be busy the next days but she's planning on talking to me after that. She also needs to ease down a bit. At the end she told me to have a good time/enjoy myself. That means at least she doesn't hate me and it's important enough for her to talk about it, right?


I think this is good. This will give both of you time to cool down a little bit. And yes, she wants to talk about it, so for me that means she is willing to fix the things or at least not to end the friendship in a bad way. I think that is positive. You are very courageous, because you faced your fears and started the communication. Good for you! :)



Boxman108
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28 Mar 2013, 4:48 pm

Over the course of many years and many ruined friendships, I've learned that it is never a good idea to tell anyone that you have any feelings for them.


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child_of_the_moon
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28 Mar 2013, 5:03 pm

Boxman108 wrote:
Over the course of many years and many ruined friendships, I've learned that it is never a good idea to tell anyone that you have any feelings for them.


That's what I thought first, too. But whenever I spend time with them I feel like a liar. Like they should have a choice whether they still want to hang with me or not. But therefore they need to know that I'm into them. You know what I mean? When I don't tell them I feel like I'm not telling the truth. I'd also want to know if someone's into me.



Boxman108
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28 Mar 2013, 5:08 pm

They don't deserve to know anything if they're going to ditch you afterwards. That's the way it's always been for me. It's better to just be distant from selfish people.


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goldfish21
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28 Mar 2013, 5:15 pm

child_of_the_moon wrote:
Boxman108 wrote:
Over the course of many years and many ruined friendships, I've learned that it is never a good idea to tell anyone that you have any feelings for them.


That's what I thought first, too. But whenever I spend time with them I feel like a liar. Like they should have a choice whether they still want to hang with me or not. But therefore they need to know that I'm into them. You know what I mean? When I don't tell them I feel like I'm not telling the truth. I'd also want to know if someone's into me.


I'm with you on this one. While confessing my feelings to a close friend led to some short term awkwardness, it was followed up by more open communication and clarifying some things, which was great practice just communicating those things effectively in and of itself in terms of value out of the whole process, but now in the longer run it's led to us being even closer better more open with each other friends than we were beforehand. All this even though we've not become a couple and aren't very lilely to.

Had I just kept it to myself I'd have slowly driven myself mad with all the wondering and what ifs, so I truly do think it best to get it out there and then just deal with how its received and roll with the punches.

I know it doesn't always work out positively, but that's an acceptable risk to take vs. Shutting up and driving yourself nucking futs over it, IMO.


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thewhitrbbit
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28 Mar 2013, 11:08 pm

Wait...

If you don't want to be in a relationship, why are you even bringing it up?

Are you actually saying

"I have a crush on you, but I don't want to be in a relationship with you." Or something like that?

That is confusing and offensive. The woman is first confused as to why your saying it, then wondering what you see in her that makes you not want to date her.