Being Denied

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I'm going to explain a bit about my relationship with someone. I feel really lost about it and think other people may have a better grasp as to what everything means.

I met someone a year ago; he was a friend of my family's. My family did introduce us knowing that it may end up being more, that we may end up dating. Well, he did live out of state. We did get intimate, talked daily, but knew we lived no where near each other. I did ask him if there was a possibility us starting something serious and monogamous. He replied that we would have to live closer to each other for it to work. He ended up getting a job here, which is better than his job he had back home. He did make it clear that I was not the primary reason he moved here, but rather it was a good job opportunity. If something developed between us, then that's great. Well, now that he's lived here for some time, we have hung out many times. We have a ton in common and there's never a dull moment. We have had fights, though. This is his current reason as to why we will not work as a monogamous, serious couple and he sees no point in continuing anything serious. He does not like drama; however, he has instigated fights so I find it hypocritical that he judges me for fighting him. I do understand, however, that if we are already fighting it is not a good sign, but I also do think no relationship is perfect and fights will happen.

I'm to the point that I feel like new reasons will keep popping up, despite fixing the old ones. Is this an appropriate time to move on?

you gave it a year. i'd have a heart-to-heart with him and get down to the basics- does he want the relationship to go further, or not? if the latter, i'd seek out greener pastures.

In my experience (admittedly very limited), sometimes a man will pick fights because he wants to break it off and doesn't have the balls to initiate the break-up himself. He'll fight until the woman says something that he can use as an excuse to break it off and still come out a "nice guy" and make the woman the witch.

All couples fight. The question is not whether you will fight, but how the fights are handled.

Interestingly, this popped up in my reader today and I think it is apropos for this thread: http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/psy ... iage-tips/

You've invested a year towards him and he seems to be the one holding things up. If it mattered to him the way it does to you, he wouldn't have taken this long or dragged his feet like this. I have a hunch that the more interest you show to him, the less he'll have for you. I think your best approach is to write him off asap and do what you need to do to get over him.

+1. Good article but who wants to measure themselves against the Kardashians?

Yeah, I do see a difference in how he is to me the less I pay attention to him. He hates it. Earlier this week, I didn't initiate the texting, etc. between us, but instead he did. I did this because I was sensing the stronger my presence was, he withdrew from me. It was exactly as I suspected; he texted me first every time.

I don't think he likes me, but maybe the attention I give him, in a sick sort of way. Once it's gone, he can't handle it, but when it's there, he takes advantage of me. The other day, he gave me a little back rub and said he was doing it because I have been nice to him. I don't know, but it seems like I need to watch my every move in order for him to show his appreciation me being in his life. Maybe I'm distorted in thinking that, I don't know. I just feel like I'm going crazy because of it all.

Very much. He hates women, despite dating them. I wouldn't doubt him getting gratification coming out of fights as the "nice guy".

How does he take advantage of you? How do you expect him to show appreciation for you? I'm guessing you've heard the cliche that the sexes are from two different planets. Maybe it is a lack of communication because of those differences?

Maybe. I think we communicate enough, in his eyes too often as he'll tell me we already talked about it, but what I have noticed in the past is that we misinterpret what each other means. So if he says "I want to go to the store", he may mean whenever, but I may interpret it as "I want to go to the store now." It's not just me misinterpreting things, he will misinterpret many things I say as well. Or put a spin on things just as I would. Many of our fights are over misinterpreting things said. I don't know if both of us are on the spectrum, but I've NEVER encountered as many problems regarding communication as I do with him and me. Though we both have so many things in common, the one thing we do not have in common is the way we communicate. He constantly says I'm trying to be a scientist and our relationship is more like an experiment, rather than it being natural. I grew up with scientists, so it's hard to understand what he means by this. I don't see where I do this...

When I mean showing appreciation, I mean doing nice things to do nice things simply because he likes me, not because I have to earn every nice thing. I do agree, that it is good to reward good behavior and try to get rid of bad behavior, but at the same time I think it's good to be nice for the sake of being nice in a relationship with someone.

Well, I feel used by him not telling me he does not see a future with me, but rather dragging it on with no intention to move forward. He's told me that if I keep up my behavior, there will be no relationship, but I've told him it's hard to change nor do I see myself changing. I've also pointed out that he fights as well. Plus, he is living with my step family (my family is the one who introduced me to him and they were friends as I mentioned before), so I feel like he is playing his cards right so my family lets him stay.

If there are so many communication breakdowns between you, maybe try elaborating on what gestures you'd like to see. He may have no idea.
If you feel he doesn't care for you, or is using you for some personal gain cut him loose. That's not worth your time.

why would you want to date somebody who hated women? It doesn't make sense to me.

you have hit the nail on the head, dear Shameless Git. A misogynist will play games with your head, and not take it personal.

Understandable.

I cut him slack knowing his mom walked out of his life. I'll openly admit that's why I wasn't too hard on him, even when there were red flags. He does trust and love some women, but his overall view on women is that they're evil.

That's why I think he can't handle it when I don't talk to him on a constant basis, because it reminds him of his mom. She cut him out cold turkey with no explanation. From what I gather, she may be a drug abuser. But yeah, anyway, he hates me when I'm there simply because I'm a woman, but hates me when I'm not there because that means I'm his mom.

I know the right choice to make, but my feelings are screwing everything up.. oye.

oooh, that myth from Genesis,
Something to break my heart with.
Woman as a cruel temptress
is an image I'd like to part with.

Tell it to a boy, before he is five
He'll be blamin' women for the rest of his life

Ooooooh, that myth from Genesis
Something to break my heart with!

Old Wives tale. . .

The thing is men who believe the bible are supposed to take the flak for women, not complain about something that happened at the Dawn of Humanity. If anything, Adam should have said "She made a mistake God, but I should have been there for her. Please punish me instead...", or something like that. Females are not to blame for anything.