Stop trying to be one of the Sheeple and do your own thing!

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So you two click well....that's why this eventually happened:



It's not because you were too open at first with her that your relationship is becoming significant but because you two click well and you have achieved a certain level of comfort that allowed both of you to open up more and more.

This, my friend, is the natural progress of any relationship - even among NTs, it's naturally after several dates that the couple start opening up more and more about themselves, their feelings, their fears, in fact it wouldn't lead to a healthy relationship otherwise. You didn't discover anything new to humanity here, you just discovered something like the hot water.

Have you told her about your AS on date 1 or 2? Have you told her on date 1 that you're a frequent user on a forum with a weird name and with an Alien logo? Have you told about your insecurities on the first dates? I highly doubt you did.

Even NTs don't reveal everything at first, it's not necessarily wearing a mask but it's simply a natural progress of knowing each other, think of a person as layers, the more you know him/her, the more you know the deeper layers, but all the layers are part of this person, none is necessarily a mask.

Also by revealing too much yourself at first might make her associates you with stigmas she had about something, disproving this later would be quasi-impossible, but if you have already disapproved it by being yourself and by your behaviors then it wouldn't be an issue.

As a concrete example: there's a general stigma here that since atheists have no religion, then they can't have morals, are capable of doing anything without guilt like crime and rape, and are often into alcohol and total promiscuous sex.
By revealing my atheism at a first date without giving myself a chance to know my values as a human, it would scare her off because she would associate me with this stigma. But by revealing it after knowing me enough would shatter this stigma in their head, they would get confused but not scared, I am talking out of experience not out of air here. In fact most asked how comes I have morals, and how I am like this ...etc while not believing in a god or religion, convincing here becomes waaaay easier.

This is not "wearing a mask", it's not like I have claimed to be a Muslim or Christians then told them i am atheist, I had simply waited the right moments to do so.

Huh... Somehow I did just fine in my relationship despite mentioning multiple insecurities and my AS. Same thing with Atheism. I also find it funny you asked for an apology after attempting to de-legitimize my opinion earlier. I didn't start projecting what I thought you were thinking.

I didn't ask anyone for an apology.

No, I just way too eccentric for dating. Oh,well. Not too eccentric for card games and pizza parties, so that good

I misread then, but personally, I felt I saw three posts of defensive reactions to rational criticism, and by extension likely implying some retraction or other concession was expected.

Guys like me, can't date or would be very,very hard for me to date. I guess I should find something else to do then.
Luckly I got laid before, so it's all good.

You are absolutely correct. Although the belief that I must conform or be rejected and/or hunted has always been there, I've been my happiest and most successful when I was allowed, or able to allow myself, to be myself on some reasonable approximation of my own terms.

I miss those days.

And they're over, and they won't be back.

Right now, we're not just playing the NT game. We're playing with the NTs' ball, on the NTs' field. They decide the game, the rules, and who gets to play. I have learned this, much to my detriment, along with the fact that "doing your own thing" is a course of action that, however rewarding and sensible it may seem, will in the long run be absolutely and harshly punished.

Unfortunately, "doing your own thing" without getting caught and torn apart in fairly short order (I once had my marriage upended, friendships torn apart, and my trust in my husband permanently and irrepairably destroyed by a comment a drunk stranger made to him in the bathroom at a restaurant and bar-- I literally never even saw this person and none of us ever saw him again, but his passing remark almost a decade ago caused a 180-degree turn that still informs every relationship decision I make today) pretty much necessitates becoming completely self-sufficient, moving a long way into the woods (or holing up in a big-city apartment where no one cares), and becoming a hermit.

That's the only way to be safe without constantly striving to play the NT game on NT terms.

Right.

Why should I listen to OP when he's one of the "sheeple" he's talking about? He was awesome before then became kind of a narcissist for no reason like most other guys (i.e., goes around bragging about how great he is, when he didn't do that before). Now he comes on here telling us to "do our own thing" when he can't even practice what he preaches.

Hypocrisy much?

Funny... for all the negative WP comments I got about my appearance and personality (fat and stupid) I was heavily flirted with and complimented for my writing and speaking abilities twice today alone - one was even a lawyer!

So... it would seem just being me may work out just fine in the long run.

.............

Last edited by smudge on 17 May 2013, 2:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hmm, no I doubt a lot of this revolved around your thread. It seems to have been a buildup of extreme thoughts from many here for a long time.

What makes this thread funny is exactly what I said before-- the OP is being hypocritical. He rails on people here for not wanting to be stuck in a permanent rut caused by autism, but disregards his own advice, and instead becomes exactly like 99% of the NT population, in order to get what he wants. That's why I can't take this thread seriously. It's a textbook case of "the blind leading the blind."

I just do whatever I want. How does that sound? Sounds good to me

That's good for you I suppose, but I'd have to literally change everything about myself, right down to my looks. This includes my interests, which pretty much no women in the world share with me. It's either conform and completely change myself, or stay alone forever. But I'm not willing to conform.

Yes, I fundementally am awesome, but there's a difference between having some self esteem and being a narcissist.........

And how exactley am I not following my own advice? The advice I've given in this thread is exactley what I have done to find my success. People here face a bunch of rejection and then become bitter, spouting mysogonistic and and self defeatest BS that just ensures future rejection. I'm all for Boo's advice of making a small amount of effort to boost your self esteem and image (dressing nice, working out, etc) but when push comes to shove, those things will only get you so far.

I'm kind of overweight (not obese but I do have a gut) and scruffy, I have social anxiety and a myriad of other aspie traits. 99.9% of people would not get along with me and I've been labelled as weird, ret*d and even creepy before. That's fine because most people are incredibly boring and not worth wasting my time or energy on. I'm hardly the type one would consider an alpha male. But as soon as I accepted myself and stopped caring about being liked or fitting in with everyone I began to successfully find my niche (both romantically and in a friendship context.)

Your success will have to come from you because as soon as you become more comfortable with yourself, the right people will become more comfortable with you. This advice is true whether you intend to be a commited monogomist, FWB, celibate, just friends, Poly or whatever........

That's the kind of attitude that's keeping you down. If you treat yourself like a sociatal pariah, that's how others will view you. You're creating a self fulfilling prophecy.

Also, so much emphasis gets put of special interests and hobbies but in reality that has very little to do with romantic compatability. It helps with making friends but in terms of romantic interaction, you and your potential partner don't have to have that much in common. It's all about finding the right balance in personality. The real trait you should be looking for is a similiar desire to be a non-conformist.

There are plenty of other socially awkward freaks out there who are just as lonely as anybody else on here. Unfortunetly, as I've pointed out before, a lot of people on here tend to dismiss or overlook them for shallow reasons while simultaneously railing on the shallowness of the women who ignore them. It's really sad.........