Stop trying to be one of the Sheeple and do your own thing!

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Geekonychus
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15 May 2013, 3:12 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
btw, hell, I wasn't even ok with most atheists since they were all militant and preaching atheism like a religion.

Anyway, back to your reply.

Why are you implying that I wasn't being my true self on dates? Whom else I was there? Napoleon Bonaparte?

And a question: how long you have been dating this young woman?
I feel the same way about atheism. That's why I'm firmly Agnostic (although I dabble in neo-druidism and astrology.)

Clearly you are you on dates. I feel like we're arguing the same point from different angles. :?

I've been seeing this girl casually since December. We've been on several dates spread out over the last few months but we've both been really busy. We're going to try to spend more time together over the summer now that our schedules are freeing up.



The_Face_of_Boo
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15 May 2013, 3:36 pm

Geekonychus wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
btw, hell, I wasn't even ok with most atheists since they were all militant and preaching atheism like a religion.

Anyway, back to your reply.

Why are you implying that I wasn't being my true self on dates? Whom else I was there? Napoleon Bonaparte?

And a question: how long you have been dating this young woman?
I feel the same way about atheism. That's why I'm firmly Agnostic (although I dabble in neo-druidism and astrology.)

Clearly you are you on dates. I feel like we're arguing the same point from different angles. :?

I've been seeing this girl casually since December. We've been on several dates spread out over the last few months but we've both been really busy. We're going to try to spend more time together over the summer now that our schedules are freeing up.


So you two click well....that's why this eventually happened:

Quote:
We both admitted that we liked each other but weren't that comfortable with each other for some reason. Just by talking and confronting it we ended up being able to get to a better place in our relationship. What I began to realize is that in many ways I'm significantly more emotionally mature than most people as the ability to communicate openly and honestly (including airing one's own insecurities and desires directly) is actually quite rare among the general populace.


It's not because you were too open at first with her that your relationship is becoming significant but because you two click well and you have achieved a certain level of comfort that allowed both of you to open up more and more.

This, my friend, is the natural progress of any relationship - even among NTs, it's naturally after several dates that the couple start opening up more and more about themselves, their feelings, their fears, in fact it wouldn't lead to a healthy relationship otherwise. You didn't discover anything new to humanity here, you just discovered something like the hot water.

Have you told her about your AS on date 1 or 2? Have you told her on date 1 that you're a frequent user on a forum with a weird name and with an Alien logo? Have you told about your insecurities on the first dates? I highly doubt you did.

Even NTs don't reveal everything at first, it's not necessarily wearing a mask but it's simply a natural progress of knowing each other, think of a person as layers, the more you know him/her, the more you know the deeper layers, but all the layers are part of this person, none is necessarily a mask.

Also by revealing too much yourself at first might make her associates you with stigmas she had about something, disproving this later would be quasi-impossible, but if you have already disapproved it by being yourself and by your behaviors then it wouldn't be an issue.

As a concrete example: there's a general stigma here that since atheists have no religion, then they can't have morals, are capable of doing anything without guilt like crime and rape, and are often into alcohol and total promiscuous sex.
By revealing my atheism at a first date without giving myself a chance to know my values as a human, it would scare her off because she would associate me with this stigma. But by revealing it after knowing me enough would shatter this stigma in their head, they would get confused but not scared, I am talking out of experience not out of air here. In fact most asked how comes I have morals, and how I am like this ...etc while not believing in a god or religion, convincing here becomes waaaay easier.

This is not "wearing a mask", it's not like I have claimed to be a Muslim or Christians then told them i am atheist, I had simply waited the right moments to do so.



The_Funktasm
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15 May 2013, 4:07 pm

Huh... Somehow I did just fine in my relationship despite mentioning multiple insecurities and my AS. Same thing with Atheism. I also find it funny you asked for an apology after attempting to de-legitimize my opinion earlier. I didn't start projecting what I thought you were thinking.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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15 May 2013, 4:17 pm

The_Funktasm wrote:
Huh... Somehow I did just fine in my relationship despite mentioning multiple insecurities and my AS. Same thing with Atheism. I also find it funny you asked for an apology after attempting to de-legitimize my opinion earlier. I didn't start projecting what I thought you were thinking.


I didn't ask anyone for an apology.



billiscool
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15 May 2013, 4:22 pm

Geekonychus wrote:
This is not a response to just one thread but to the multiple threads that have popped up recently with discussions about leagues, nerds, double standards, shallowness, etc from some very bitter people.

I had a date last night (we've been on several) and we were able to work through some of our unease. We both admitted that we liked each other but weren't that comfortable with each other for some reason. Just by talking and confronting it we ended up being able to get to a better place in our relationship. What I began to realize is that in many ways I'm significantly more emotionally mature than most people as the ability to communicate openly and honestly (including airing one's own insecurities and desires directly) is actually quite rare among the general populace. However, it's something that I can do relatively easily around people I'm comfortable with.

While these are generalizations, typical "casual dating" rules involve a high emphasis on physical attraction, mind games and relationship rules that make little real sense. The only successful relationships I've had have spawned from dates that didn't follow these rules. Because the truth is, while I can put on a mask for a while, It's exhausting and you shouldn't have to do it for any real relationship, romantic or otherwise. This is something that the many successful Aspie relationship stories on this board have already proven.

That's why I find it so distressing to see people on here who complain about these rules and the shallowness of them only to turn around and use the same shallow standards for themselves. This includes a large amount of fat-shaming and emphasis on looks over personality in particular. Do you guys not see the irony in some of the things you say?

I think the biggest problem with Aspie dating is when they decide the only way for them to be romantically successful is to conform to arbitrary NT social norms that are routed in shallow ableism and sexism. You're playing thier game with the cards stacked against you and then wonder why you are losing. Wake up people.......


No, I just way too eccentric for dating. Oh,well. Not too eccentric for card games and pizza parties, so that good



The_Funktasm
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15 May 2013, 4:24 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
The_Funktasm wrote:
Huh... Somehow I did just fine in my relationship despite mentioning multiple insecurities and my AS. Same thing with Atheism. I also find it funny you asked for an apology after attempting to de-legitimize my opinion earlier. I didn't start projecting what I thought you were thinking.


I didn't ask anyone for an apology.


I misread then, but personally, I felt I saw three posts of defensive reactions to rational criticism, and by extension likely implying some retraction or other concession was expected.


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billiscool
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15 May 2013, 4:25 pm

Guys like me, can't date or would be very,very hard for me to date. I guess I should find something else to do then.
Luckly I got laid before, so it's all good.



BuyerBeware
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15 May 2013, 5:01 pm

You are absolutely correct. Although the belief that I must conform or be rejected and/or hunted has always been there, I've been my happiest and most successful when I was allowed, or able to allow myself, to be myself on some reasonable approximation of my own terms.

I miss those days.

And they're over, and they won't be back.

Right now, we're not just playing the NT game. We're playing with the NTs' ball, on the NTs' field. They decide the game, the rules, and who gets to play. I have learned this, much to my detriment, along with the fact that "doing your own thing" is a course of action that, however rewarding and sensible it may seem, will in the long run be absolutely and harshly punished.

Unfortunately, "doing your own thing" without getting caught and torn apart in fairly short order (I once had my marriage upended, friendships torn apart, and my trust in my husband permanently and irrepairably destroyed by a comment a drunk stranger made to him in the bathroom at a restaurant and bar-- I literally never even saw this person and none of us ever saw him again, but his passing remark almost a decade ago caused a 180-degree turn that still informs every relationship decision I make today) pretty much necessitates becoming completely self-sufficient, moving a long way into the woods (or holing up in a big-city apartment where no one cares), and becoming a hermit.

That's the only way to be safe without constantly striving to play the NT game on NT terms.


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DialAForAwesome
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15 May 2013, 11:12 pm

Right.

Why should I listen to OP when he's one of the "sheeple" he's talking about? He was awesome before then became kind of a narcissist for no reason like most other guys (i.e., goes around bragging about how great he is, when he didn't do that before). Now he comes on here telling us to "do our own thing" when he can't even practice what he preaches.

Hypocrisy much?


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BlueMax
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15 May 2013, 11:32 pm

Funny... for all the negative WP comments I got about my appearance and personality (fat and stupid) I was heavily flirted with and complimented for my writing and speaking abilities twice today alone - one was even a lawyer!

So... it would seem just being me may work out just fine in the long run. ;)



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17 May 2013, 8:27 am

.............



Last edited by smudge on 17 May 2013, 2:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

JanuaryMan
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17 May 2013, 9:21 am

smudge wrote:
I'm in disbelief at some of the stuff that gets said on the threads here. Some of the people here take NT "rules" and shallowness to the very extreme.

It seems a lot of the stuff lately has sprouted out from my FWB thread. Well, at least I wasn't lying about who I was or what I wanted, and I wasn't putting down "ugly" or fat people.


Hmm, no I doubt a lot of this revolved around your thread. It seems to have been a buildup of extreme thoughts from many here for a long time.



DialAForAwesome
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17 May 2013, 9:55 am

What makes this thread funny is exactly what I said before-- the OP is being hypocritical. He rails on people here for not wanting to be stuck in a permanent rut caused by autism, but disregards his own advice, and instead becomes exactly like 99% of the NT population, in order to get what he wants. That's why I can't take this thread seriously. It's a textbook case of "the blind leading the blind."


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JanuaryMan
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17 May 2013, 10:04 am

I just do whatever I want. How does that sound? Sounds good to me :D



DialAForAwesome
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17 May 2013, 10:46 am

That's good for you I suppose, but I'd have to literally change everything about myself, right down to my looks. This includes my interests, which pretty much no women in the world share with me. It's either conform and completely change myself, or stay alone forever. But I'm not willing to conform.


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