Dating site fears and skepticism

Page 1 of 2 [ 29 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

JanuaryMan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jan 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,359

18 Jun 2013, 5:23 pm

Hi

I find that with dating sites, some of the girls' profiles sell themselves to me so well that as a guy, I wonder how much exactly I'm supposed to provide in return based on my experiences in real life with dating.
As someone who doesn't drive (though I'm finally taking lessons yay!), has no work, no permanent address, and average looks I find the idea of contacting any of the girls I like intimidating. Generally speaking in the real world I've always gotten by just talking to people on nights out and getting girls interested on a first impression like that. However with online dating there is little room to do this and if anything I feel my message is like I'm applying for a job underqualified in terms of materialism.

In the very few times I have had exchanges on these dating sites over the years and the above still applied to me (work/life situation), the contact would normally end right after it was clear just one of the things didn't meet their criteria. So guys and girls, how can I combat this besides the obvious which is finish my driving, get lucky and land a job and the rest? I would like to get better at using dating sites because although I do meet women a lot through real-life networking and occasionally go on dates or whatever else...a few months apart between each potential encounter is well.... a little too long for my liking! I know some of you have to wait longer than that at times but I'm just being real here - I'm approaching 30 and I'd like to settle down or at least hook up and work on that later. I'm not expecting a dating site to help but I would like a bit more experience with them.



Last edited by JanuaryMan on 18 Jun 2013, 6:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

JDC6776
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 25 May 2013
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 42
Location: Massachusetts

18 Jun 2013, 6:05 pm

Dating sites are tough. They are overpopulated with compulsive liars who say anything to get laid. It makes it harder for people who are honest and genuine. There is also a mentality that they can do better. It feels like plain ole snobbery to me



MacDragard
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Nov 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 542

18 Jun 2013, 7:10 pm

Simple - Learn what works and what doesn't work on a dating site and quit being outcome-dependent. You should be going in with the mentality that you're the prize. If you keep worrying about what women think, you're going to lose every time.



DefinitelyKmart
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 4 Apr 2012
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 262

18 Jun 2013, 7:15 pm

oh i see you are in the uk.. this programme might help didnt watch it but could be of interest.
http://www.channel4.com/programmes/how- ... od#3537349



JanuaryMan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jan 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,359

18 Jun 2013, 7:21 pm

MacDragard wrote:
Simple - Learn what works and what doesn't work on a dating site and quit being outcome-dependent. You should be going in with the mentality that you're the prize. If you keep worrying about what women think, you're going to lose every time.

Some fair advice. I am outcome-dependent in one way - I want a date or two out of it. I don't see the women, sex or a relationship as a prize, mind you. I just want to have a bit of fun and get to enjoy dating for once, possibly see if it moves into relationship territory.

To be clear, most of the people I hang out with in my life are women (and no not family LOL). But they're almost all friends-only and quite frankly in a lot of cases I enjoy only a platonic bond with them. I'm bored, slightly lonely but not desperate. Hey, I guess with that in mind you're right. I should put a bit more value on myself.

HOWEVER... I feel that is not enough with dating sites...I've found no matter how eloquently, or wittily I've put across things or however much I valued myself or sold myself if I didn't tick the right boxes it really didn't matter. This is where my skepticism with dating sites lies. Even if I do tick all the right boxes are they even liking me for who I really am or just because I made some changes that have no bearing on my personality at all. With real life dating and networking, I find women are willing to be more honest and less picky when I speak to them and this doesn't really happen. Perhaps online dating sites dehumanize people?



girly_aspie
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 15 May 2013
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 222

18 Jun 2013, 9:38 pm

JanuaryMan wrote:
Perhaps online dating sites dehumanize people?


I totally agree with you there. I find dating sites tough, too. It's really hard to get a feel for what a person is really like from them, in the end I just end up throwing my hands in the air and leaving. My judgement is worse, not better over a site than it is in person.


_________________
"Look at you lot, all so vacant. Is it nice not being me? It must be so relaxing" - Sherlock

AQ: 44
IQ: 167
Aspie Quiz Result: 185/200
NT result: 22/200
BAP: 132 aloof, 108 rigid and 121 pragmatic


GregCav
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Apr 2013
Age: 54
Gender: Male
Posts: 679
Location: Australia

18 Jun 2013, 10:21 pm

I tried a couple dating sites over a 2 year period. I found that the girls on there were more unstable than I was. I could get email exchanges happening, but for the life of me I never got a singnle "in person" date, of any kind. A coffee, a lunch, a walk in a park. Not a jot. I counted the whole thing as a waste of 2 years.

Here in Australia, we have a thing called "Dinner for Six". That is good. You get to have a dinner with similar aged people. You get to socialise (or practice socialising), you get a good meal at a restoraunt, and if your super amaizing lucky, you get to ask the organiser if a particular girl would share her phone number with you. (you have to go through the organisers, in case the other party doesn't want contact).

See if there is something similar in your area...



JanuaryMan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jan 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,359

19 Jun 2013, 4:54 am

GregCav wrote:
I tried a couple dating sites over a 2 year period. I found that the girls on there were more unstable than I was. I could get email exchanges happening, but for the life of me I never got a singnle "in person" date, of any kind. A coffee, a lunch, a walk in a park. Not a jot. I counted the whole thing as a waste of 2 years.

Here in Australia, we have a thing called "Dinner for Six". That is good. You get to have a dinner with similar aged people. You get to socialise (or practice socialising), you get a good meal at a restoraunt, and if your super amaizing lucky, you get to ask the organiser if a particular girl would share her phone number with you. (you have to go through the organisers, in case the other party doesn't want contact).

See if there is something similar in your area...


I'm also part of a meetup group which is comprised almost entirely of single people. I finally attended one event after months of putting it off, and later in the evening the event organizer pulled me aside twice telling me to stay away from the girls and/or to refrain abit even though I was friends with one of them. To give you an idea, all I did was talk and dance with them. Even though no one else found it a problem the host did. Needless to say he finds something threatening about me so after tonight's one (which he's thankfully not involved in hosting) I won't be attending any more. This isn't the first time guys have been getting territorial over women they aren't seeing when I've come into the equation (objectification and white knights much?). To be honest the whole thing has put a downer on mingling in person for me because it seems every douchebag in town here has laid claim to every girl I talk to as if they were a piece of meat or someone else's property. Not only that, he insulted me by implying I was only in his group to meet women and treating it as a singles club. While it might as well be one, that was not my intention. I can't help it if people interact with me and I interact back. This is also why I want to give dating sites a try.



Kjas
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Feb 2012
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,059
Location: the place I'm from doesn't exist anymore

19 Jun 2013, 5:13 am

I'm not sure what you really can do apart from approach it as an experiment with no expectations - and more importantly write your profile with searing honesty.
With everyone else either "upselling" themselves, or simply lying, it will stand out from a mile away, and will attract someone compatible if you are being that honest.


_________________
Diagnostic Tools and Resources for Women with AS: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt211004.html


The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 30,082
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

19 Jun 2013, 5:21 am

The truth of dating sites = job board.

Date = job interview
Males = job seekers, the weaker side, desperate for a job, expendable because there too many of them, a lot of them want any job.
Females = Employers, less in number, having the upper hand, get a lot of requests, filtering the prospects en masse by finding anything to disqualify them.
Male's profile = CV
Female's profile =Company overview + Job description.



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 19 Jun 2013, 5:30 am, edited 2 times in total.

Kelspook
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jun 2011
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 220
Location: Scotland

19 Jun 2013, 5:26 am

I tried dating sites, was not a good thing. Stuffed full of desperate clingy women. I still shudder to think of the one I did go out with a few times.... argharghargh....



Aspie1
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Mar 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,759
Location: United States

19 Jun 2013, 8:26 am

GregCav wrote:
I tried a couple dating sites over a 2 year period. I found that the girls on there were more unstable than I was. I could get email exchanges happening, but for the life of me I never got a singnle "in person" date, of any kind. A coffee, a lunch, a walk in a park. Not a jot. I counted the whole thing as a waste of 2 years.

Here in Australia, we have a thing called "Dinner for Six". That is good. You get to have a dinner with similar aged people. You get to socialise (or practice socialising), you get a good meal at a restoraunt, and if your super amaizing lucky, you get to ask the organiser if a particular girl would share her phone number with you. (you have to go through the organisers, in case the other party doesn't want contact).

See if there is something similar in your area...

A lot of women use dating sites as a ego booster. When I see someone's profile, both pictures and description, I ask myself: "Does this person really need to be on a dating site?" If the answer is "no" in any way, then I move on to the next profile.

In the US, there's something called "Eight at Eight". You have dinner with 8 people (4 men, 4 women) at 8:00 PM at an obnoxiously expensive restaurant. A hostess meets with everyone at the beginning, introduces everyone, and steps aside. Then the 8 people are left to duke it out amongst themselves, hoping to make a connection. Price? $500 for six dinners, plus the cost of meals you pay out-of-pocket (something like $100 each dinner). You also get to schedule one meeting with a dating coach, who'll probably give you nothing more than platitudes like "just get out there" and/or "just be yourself". This is a service for the rich, obviously, which begs the question of why a rich person, especially a rich man, would need to use a dating service in the first place. Countless other extremely pricey services exist too: Highlife Adventures, which is like Meetup with a $1500 yearly membership; It's Just Lunch, $3000 for 9 fix-ups, which sets up weekday lunch dates for wealthy professionals; and many more.

The Eight at Eight method is extremely flawed. Quite likely, the most alpha male (richest, strongest, coolest, etc.) will end up making connections with all the women, leaving other men out in the cold. After all, you can't require people who aren't attracted to each other to date. A lot of aspie men, myself including, have dated women they're not attracted to, but that's a voluntary choice, not an enforced rule.



GiantHockeyFan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,293

19 Jun 2013, 8:30 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
The truth of dating sites = job board.

Date = job interview
Males = job seekers, the weaker side, desperate for a job, expendable because there too many of them, a lot of them want any job.
Females = Employers, less in number, having the upper hand, get a lot of requests, filtering the prospects en masse by finding anything to disqualify them.
Male's profile = CV
Female's profile =Company overview + Job description.


Very good analogy and I would add employers/Females STILL end up making the wrong choices most of the time despite having this advantage. Sadly in the job and dating world the Aspie is usually overlooked because they are too honest for their own good and the 'anything to disqualify' is usually the Aspie giving an honest, heartfelt answer. To be fair to Females and employers, we should point out they have to wade through A LOT of overinflated, unqualified candidates and that can wear one down after a while. Another thing worth mentioning is that many quality workplaces and women know that dating sites attract the bottom of the barrel at times and avoid posting online for that reason. Most decent quality jobs are usually not posted online and I would say many decent women don't advertise their singleness because they don't want to deal with the crap.

My GF had terrible luck getting anyone to contact her online, but that's the exception to the rule because her profile quite frankly was downright awful AND she never had a photo posted.



Misslizard
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 14,554
Location: Aux Arcs

19 Jun 2013, 5:28 pm

I've been put off by them,but just recently I have chatted with two guys that may be all right,an artist and a writer.I'm still leary, but so far both these guys seem really nice.I've got my fingers crossed :lol:


_________________
I am the dust that dances in the light. - Rumi


JanuaryMan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jan 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,359

19 Jun 2013, 6:15 pm

Misslizard wrote:
I've been put off by them,but just recently I have chatted with two guys that may be all right,an artist and a writer.I'm still leary, but so far both these guys seem really nice.I've got my fingers crossed :lol:


Good luck with them :)

I'll make another profile and see how I do.



AstroGeek
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jan 2011
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,582

19 Jun 2013, 6:59 pm

Speaking from the somewhat different perspective of a gay man...
Most of the guys on there seem to be looking for sex. Of the people who aren't, most don't seem interested in me. Most people's profiles don't give that much information, which makes it hard to know whether to bother messaging them. Most of the guys I did message never replied. A few guys did message me first, but most of them seemed to lose interest quickly. Also, just because you get along well online, doesn't mean you will in real life. Recently I was in communication with a guy and, combined, we exchanged well over 300 messages. Then we met up and felt...nothing. He ended up cutting the date short 40 minutes in. (Personally I thought it seemed like he was just shy and we needed more time to get comfortable with each other, but evidently he disagreed.) Anyway, online dating has caused me too much stress lately (too many stories--dont get me started), so I've decided to give up on it. Trying to figure out how best to look for a relationship in the real world.