When should I tell someone I am dating I have AS?

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I am a female with aspergers, and I am dating a NT.
He seems to be aware of my differences, telling people who have not met me previously that I am similar to a female Mr. Spock.
I am considering telling him even though it is early in the relationship so that he can better understand my aversion to kissing etc. Iknow this is confusing him because he told a friend of mine.
He seems relatively open minded and accepting.
Any advice?

-Lillzyck

I go both ways on this question.

For some people I date, I tell them up front and probably before or on the first date.

Other people I date; I treat it on a need to know basis. When you need to know, then I'll tell you.

I would suggest for you, since your here asking the question, treat it as a "need to know".

If you any doubt whatsover, don't go telling the world.
If your comfortable with the people, tell them early, so their expectations are realistic.

What would be a negative consequence that someone has experienced?


I usually tell people after spending an ample amount of time with them. The amount of time I have spent with him is equivalent to when I usually tell people. I just have never had to expose this before in a romantic relationship (except for when I was first diagnosed).

Do NT people think we are bad?

I've only ever told one girl on the first date, and she knew what it was. She didn't seem perturbed at all.
However, I didn't get a second date either.

So my experience is inconclusive.

I appreciate your feedback anyways..

Yes unfortunately if you tell the truth sometimes about having AS than normal people will sometimes look at you different. It depends on how superficial this other person is and if they really like you or not. I agree with the other poster... Only tell if they really need to know.

I guess it depends. Personally, I'd try for around the second or third date; it's still considered early, and that way you can see how compatible you and your date are. But definitely try choose a good moment to let him know.

it seems he already caught on to the main differences, so i'd say it is as good a time as any.
remember, the time is right when you feel it is; judging from your question, i get the feeling that you think it's time

If he is already experiencing confusion then it is time to tell him. Understanding why you do or act in certain ways will help him understand you. If he cannot accept your differences when you put a label on them, then a long term relationship wouldn't be possible anyway. The more he understands you, the clearer he can be in telling you what he needs and wants from you, instead of just expecting those things to come naturally.

I was on my fifth or sixth date with my current girlfriend when I told her. My policy is to not tell close friends/women I'm seeing until they know me well enough to understand what makes me different, and that I'm not different in some other way that they might not like (e.g. they might have known someone with AS who they didn't get along with). So far the policy has worked well - people who don't know me just think of me as a bit odd at most, and the small privileged class of people who get close with me also get to know what makes me different.

It sounds like your boyfriend already has a strong impression of what makes you different, so you're probably ready to mention it to him. If you tell your boyfriend, I imagine he may not be very surprised. Or at least it would connect some dots for him.

The answer to your question is you shouldn't, because it would be like telling an atheist that you have a communion with God. In other words, you fret over a concept that he more likely than not denies its existence.

When they know you well. Otherwise, they will make assumptions about you. No offense, but aspie men have a horrible reputation.

Ok, awkwardness and shyness are fine. But being argumentative, prone-to-rape and creepy are not, and that is what many NT women think of regarding aspie men. They will probably like you better if you don't label yourself, or use HFA. It's less charged.

as a friend says, "I'm NOT my diagnosis." I usually mention it early on, then leave it be. But I'm more interested how they feel about me, not about some clinical thing that they read in Psychology Today.

No one but myself and the psychologist who diagnosed me know about my diagnosis.

I prefer it that way.

Let the rest of the world go on believing that I'm just an eccentric middle-aged man with a few quirks.

There is no reason for me to give them cause to treat me like I'm mentally deficient/incompetent just because of a label that they don't understand.

I told my partner, when we were planning children. I dont mind about my issues, because I dont need my partner to tell him about them, he can see that himself and decide on his own if he thinks its ok for him or not to stay with me. So he maybe didnt know that there was a diagnosis called Aspergers, but he definitely knew that I was weird. So there was no need to tell him that I am weird, when he knows anyway.

I told him, when we were planning children, simply because he knew that I was weird and had chosen to stay with me, but he did not know, that my kind of weirdness could be inherited. So he needed to know, because elseway he could not have been free to decide if its ok for him, that his children may get weird as well. Generally I am not into that "Oh my god, my child must have my own DNA, or I am not able to love it as my child." issues, so I also told him, that if he would not have liked to have children with me with the risk for Aspergers, than an "artificial" child with the DNA of another woman would have been no problem for me. (My english is bad, so a donated female eggcell and the sperm of my partner, and then the united stuff would have gotten into my womb.) But he simply joked, that there are much worse things in the world then silent children that read all day. XD So I told him, that Aspergers is not related to being silently, but he informed himself and meant it is ok for him, so ok. If our first child is going to be the antichrist, we still can choose the artificial female-DNA stuff for the second child.