Should I leave this 5 year NT/AS relationship?

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I'm a 29 year old neurotypical female who has been dating a 27 year old aspie for 5 years. These past 5 years have been the most difficult 5 years of my entire life. I'm not very good at explaining what I'm feeling, but I would appreciate it if you could read this. I could really use some help,

I met my boyfriend at the age of 24 (almost 25) but we were friends for a while before that. During this time he was dating and sleeping with different girls/women (he later told me he did this to practice getting comfortable with females because he eventually wanted to have a serious relationship). When we started going out, he was pretty affectionate and he was always interested in doing fun things together (rock-climbing, riding dirtbike and motorcycle, hiking in the woods, etc). He didn't seem like a typical aspie, but I later figured out why. I slowly started noticing things about him that were very different from my other boyfriends. He would rarely go to bed at a decent hour, staying up all night reading science, science-related, and other interesting things online, he seemed more 'matter of fact' and argumentative (need to be right) when talking to people, including my family, friends and employers, I couldn't laugh and have normal easy going conversations with him that I could have with other people, if I made an error while joking about something, it lost its humor and he would correct me. By the end of year one I was still happy but feeling a little confused. I guessed that university (he was working on a math/CS degree) was taking a toll on him so he couldn't 'lighten up'. Our first valentines day together, which almost marked a year, he did something really sweet, but I won't get into details. I thought, well, maybe things are not all lost, however, things went downhill after that. Every thing I did seemed to aggravate him, granted some things he had reasons to be aggravated about, but for the most part, I ended up in a crying fit because he would get very upset and cold with me over something I simply did not understand. We argued a lot...or rather, I participated in the argument because I would rather claim responsibility than continue an argument with him (is is always right). Now, before I paint a bad picture of my boyfriend, he is also a good guy. He helped me find a great second hand car that I could afford because I didn't know anything about cars (he does), and then he fixed it up for me, he would always check my oil and other things to make sure I would be safe on the road, he doesn't like it when I don't stand up for myself and if anyone dare say or do anything to hurt me he would tear into them verbally (and physically if he had to). No one would ever suspect he had aspergers unless they spent as much time with him as I do because hes good at races motorcycles, and dirtbikes, he is very strong, assertive and pretty much been responsible for himself his whole life. He seems like a confident NT guy, with a short temper and sometimes bad attitude. He was raised in an alcoholic home where he had to grow up quickly.

Everything seems to be my fault, he thinks my emotions when he hurts my feelings are not valid (usually, not always). Getting him to hear me out about my worries and fears is pointless. He will often sit down and listen to me and if I cry, at the end he'll hug me, but we always go back to square one - fighting about the same thing. To make a long story short, I feel like I have been way more invested into this relationship than he has. He has done many sweet loving things for me and he actually has a very high sex drive and loves to cuddle, but his treatment toward me is never consistent. He is very honest and trustworthy, but I don't think that's enough. Earlier this year he came online (he was staying out of town for a couple of months) and he told me that he realized that I was more into this relationship than he was, that I was a good girlfriend and special to him and that despite his commitment fears, its time he made the decision to grow up and take this relationship seriously. He said he wanted to marry me and move to NZ (where he will be going to medical school to study surgery). Since we had this talk he has been better (with the occasionally old habit, not not nearly as much). I picked out an engagement ring and he has plans to surprise me with it. However, I don't know if I can do this. What if I marry him and move away and then goes back to the way he was and I am stuck on the other side of the world with someone I'm married to. I don't know what to do. My boyfriend reminds me so much of main guy in the movie 'Drive'. Caring, but easily angered in a very odd and sociopath kind of way.


I'm at work (can't stop thinking about this problem) so I'm hoping that you were able to make sense out of what I wrote. If not, ask, I'll clarify.

Thanks

I wish your bf finds this thread and posts his side of the story.

I want to see both sides of story for once lol.

I hate to be brutally honest here paintitpretty, but if I were you, I would seriously consider ending everything with him. I have no experience with relationships, but I do know my father put my mother through a horrible marriage. And I have had suspicions that ever since he passed away 17 years ago, that when I found out I had Aspergers (a year and a half ago), that he very likely had it too and no one knew it. My dad had a short temper as well, to the point he broke tables, clocks, you name it. He even put a car battery through a dry wall before I was even born. Right after mom married my dad, he told her, "if you ever try to leave me, I'll kill you." What kind of a man does that? I only tell you all of this to serve as a compassionate warning, because I don't want you to get hurt like my mom did. I have made a vow to myself to not ever be like my dad, ever. I hate my dad, anyway, even if he is dead.

Well, it seems as though your boyfriend really cares about you. But it also seems like he doesn't know how to care for you the way that you need. I understand why you might not want to break up with him, since you've been with him for five years and you know in your heart that he is doing his best, or close to it. But his proposal is a sign that he doesn't quite trust himself to consistently be the man that you need him to be. If I was him, I'd probably propose right about now too, for the same reason, which is that I'd be afraid of losing you. Do you think that you can take the next step with him? Do you think there is a next step? Because the next step would be for him to be less robotic and not always having to be exact about things, or being right, and that's not who he is. He would probably get a little better, but would a little better be enough? I don't think so, but it matters what you feel. Clearly he's a very good guy. Maybe you can make it work out.

I wouldn't rush into an engagement, let alone a marriage with this guy. You have to feel fairly certain that you are entrusting the right guy with your heart and your life, for the rest of your lives. Some cities offer premarital counseling; maybe you and your guy could look into that? There are a lot of things to consider before marrying. One thing you might like to do is make a list of pros and cons about him, being brutally honest with yourself. If the cons outweigh the pros, don't entertain fantasies about "changing" him. You will only regret the marriage maybe even sooner, rather than later.

When people are first together, they are at their very best.
A year or so in, you will have seen the worst too. The whole person.
Changes and improvement are like panda breeding... apparently possible but extremely rare, difficult and often uncooperative.

I recognise some of what your saying, when I (NT) first moved in with my partner we were unaware that he has aspergers. It was really the experience of living together that highlighted that he thought very differently and had different needs to most people that I knew. It's something we've been working through together for some time, what I've found is that we have both had to work hard at understanding each other. I try to filter our relationship through this understanding, but crucially so does he. He's worked hard to identify the differences in the way we think and feel and we've found that understanding brings acceptance. Now I know who he really is and what he needs things are much easier, but of course not perfect! But the reverse is true, he has loved me enough to really try and understand me, and if he doesn't then we talk about it. I realised that he's been collecting 'rules' about me and our relationship, because he lacks the intuition to 'know' things. Our last discussion came up with the 'rule' that he can't 'logic' me out of an emotion and trying to do so will probably make things worse, he should just accept I don't want to talk about it now and try the logic again when I'm not experiencing the emotion. We're getting better at the 'rules' trying to make them less occasion specific and more encompassing of life as a whole.

What I think I'm trying to say is that things can get better, but you both have to be aware of what's going on, if not both working at it. If you've not lived together yet then this could be your biggest test and I'd probably do that before committing to marriage. If you have then you really have to think about the rest of your life, he has a neurological difference and that will not change. He may find coping strategies, you might find them, or you might find them together, but the underlying understanding has to be that you are different from each other. I think for me the thing I would be worried about is what you said about him not valuing your feelings, they are as much a part of you as aspergers is of him. My partner is devastated if he thinks he's upset me, especially if he's not sure how, and works out a way to avoid it happening again if possible, this tells me how much he loves me and tries to 'get' me. In your post you don't mention the word love once, that either you love him or that you know he loves you, I'm wondering why?

I hope you find your way through. x

Fascinating! As an NT married to an AS and at the start of my 'journey of understanding' I recognise the above but with a twist: what I have learnt is that when HE is in meltdown phase (i.e. having a disproportionate emotional reaction to something) the last thing I should do is try to reason with him. Since he is,at all other times, an intensely rational man, it confused me for a long time that we couldn't use rationality and logic to resolve our issues. Now I let it alone until he is ready to discuss the matter i.e. in his own time and at his own pace. It isn't always easy (I'm a real mrs. impatient) but it is worth the effort

I have Aspergers and I'm in a relationship with a man who probably has some form of an ASD as well and we basically have periods where we get on well interspersed with periods where he acts in an insensitive or selfish manner and I lose my temper and we dont' speak for a varying period of time and then we make up and it starts again lol

In some ways it's like having myself mirrored back to me so it's like an ongoing lesson in learning to be more tolerant but he tests my patience to the limit! He is often infuriating but when we stop speaking I miss him so I prefer to have him in my life than not.

I don't live with the person I see as I live with a friend and this works out better for us as we have breathing space.

Teebie

OMG yes, during a meltdown episode just let him get on with it. To be fair I very rarely experience this side of him nowadays but when it happens I simply wait it out until he's finished talking and getting it all out. What I tend to find is that for him there is always something at the bottom of his reaction, even if it seems out of proportion, and waiting around, talking, not judging etc lets me, and us I guess, find out what's going on or what he's worrying about and sometimes we can deal with whatever it is. It takes a long time though, hours and hours sometimes but as you say, it's worth the effort.

When I am experiencing a negative emotion, hurt, defensiveness, confusion etc and he's caused it for whatever reason, then he tries to use logic to justify why he is right and that I shouldn't be experiencing the emotion, which just makes matters worse. To me it seems like he's going on and on about something that is very often inconsequential and it just makes me feel worse. He doesn't understand why logic doesn't work under these circumstances and we can end up with me getting very upset and him very confused. I think it's the same thing the original poster was referring to when her boyfriend had to be right. After the last time he wanted to know how he would recognise not to do it again and we came up with the understanding that logic won't work when I'm in the middle of feeling an emotion, and to try and do so just makes matters worse although if it's that important we can talk about it later rationally using logic. This method of collecting 'rules' about us and our relationship is his strategy, I've no idea how common it would be, I discovered along the way that was what he was doing, so when we're talking about things I try to help by being really clear about what I'm feeling and why, and try to think of the bigger picture. My idea is there will be less 'rules' to remember which encompass more events and make life easier for him. It seems to be working, our communication is much more effective now and that frees us to experience the wonderfulness of being in love with an aspie. My aspie is the very best thing that ever happened to me

It can be hard though, Roch, can't it? One of the things I struggle with is the fact that the basis of our relationship was that everything could and should be talked about (his criteria as much as mine, it was one of the things that bonded us) but over time I have realised that when he's under stress there is a whole swathe of things that can't be talked about because he will only discuss them on his terms and finds different points of view very threatening. Unfortunately for us the realisation of AS is recent - a light-bulb moment as he's not as classically AS as his son. All his life he has coped, 'translated' to fit into the NT world so for a long time his differences weren't overly apparent. Over the last two or three years though we've had a range of 'life stresses' which have put him in a place where he just can't cope so I'm having to learn strategies such as the one currently under discussion at a rate of knots!

Hi Teebie

I understand what you're saying, I might have said the same thing a year ago, if we'd been aware of the aspergers at that time. We've found that it get easier, so far anyway. My partner was also coping with his own strategies and plenty of alone time, and it only became apparent when we started to live together. But at the time we didn't understand and we spent almost a year trying to figure things out, and it was really hard. Knowing about the aspergers answered questions about many things in the past, and having observed him myself I could clearly see the connection, but he's taken some time to observe himself and accept that he truly experiences the world differently. We've come to understand that he does create strategies to deal with life, and the more I understand them the easier it gets.

I also understand what you're saying about things that can't be talked about, I've found after talking to him it's more to do with not being wrong rather than being threatened. I'm not sure if it's an aspie trait, or something that family related as I can see the same thing in his sister. I've also found it's easier to think of things being in balance for him before he can do certain things, and I don't question him any more if he's not keen on discussion, or the film we're watching, doing the housework, or many, many things. It's not constant but I can see the balance he needs and leave it be if it's not there.

What I've had to understand is that we simply think differently, and that it won't change, I've tried to put myself in his shoes and understand how confusing and intimidating the world can seem when all the intuitive stuff us NT's take for granted just isn't there. My son has very bad dyslexia, his writing is still only passable at 28, and I had to understand there was a flexibility with language that other people had that he didn't, he had to learn the english language parrot fashion, each word being a separate thing bearing no relation to any other. I tend to think of being on the spectrum in the same way, that those who are on the spectrum have to learn how to interact with people based on experience remembering things parrot fashion. I'm not sure how close this is to how they really experience it, but it gives me an understanding that helps me intuitively understand my man (most of the time!)

I wish you luck Teebie, you seem to be doing the right things, just don't let yourself get lost in the translation. This is something my partner has been insistent on, that we are equally important, and however hard I have worked to 'get' him, he has given the same, if not more, back.

Thank you for your positive comments and good wishes, Roch, though I sometimes wonder whether we'll ever navigate through this. It's very much one step forward, two steps back at the moment and although he probably doesn't see it this way, it very much feels as though he's working against me rather than with me.

Hi paintitpretty,

That's a really tough decision. I'm not sure what I would do either. I am at a similar point in my own relationship (3 years, we were engaged but now put off our plans to decide whether we can work out our problems and whether we still want to get married).

In my case I am pretty confused about things, because I am not sure whether I may have AS, he has AS, or both of us do.

We are trying to learn how to better work things out when we have a disagreement or conflict about something. There is a site called Power of Two that we have been using. He has been pretty enthusiastic about it, but we both agree that applying the principles in practice is going to be tough. He is committed to trying to make our relationship work better.

The thing that makes me afraid is that I don't want to go through these episodes of intense sadness/feeling bad/upset that seem to have been triggered repeatedly by our conflicts. Usually, something that he says or does bothers me a lot. (usually something small, at least something that seems small on the surface or seems small to him, but is really significant to me for some reason.) I may not notice at the time how bad it is making me feel, but it soon gets really bad, to the point that I am constantly crying, unable to stop crying, and sometimes even crying for no reason at all. This lasts for a few days and then it goes away. Things like stress and illness also seem to contribute to the onset of these episodes.

After I have calmed down, it takes a lot of difficult discussion before we can figure out how we miscommunicated or reach a satisfactory solution about our disagreement.

The episodes started last year and they recur every 1-2 months. I think it is good that we have come a long way in learning how to resolve our conflicts, but I know that it will not be good for me or for him if I keep having these episodes. Besides affecting my confidence in myself and in our relationship, they make him feel bad as well (he may be hiding the extent to which they upset him).

I wonder if others have experienced these kinds of episodes as a result of their relationship, and what can help to alleviate them or manage them so we can have a happier life and relationship?

Yes, my husband and I have had intense disagreements where I ended up emotional for days! I am Aspie, and he is borderline Aspie. We have been reading some relationship books together. A lot of this stuff comes from us misunderstanding each other. If the love is there, the problems will eventually be ironed out, monetgarden. If you both are committed to the relationship, you will find a way. Have you thought about counseling?

Teebie, don't do it. All the warning signs are staring you full in the face. Please stop and consider how things would go if you had a child with this man: he'll react to the child just as he does with you. Things will be the child's fault; there'll be no telling him he's hurt the child's feelings; you'll be left to buffer things and afraid to divorce, because divorce only means shared-custody times when you won't be there to protect your child from his father's misunderstandings and temper. And imagine trying to negotiate things about the child's upbringing!

Also, if he's willing to get physical with others, regardless of the reason...that's usually a warning sign that someday the physical aggression will show up at home, too.

Listen to your gut. You will find another man. Don't worry about the last five years; worry about the next 30.