Is it wrong to cheat if no one finds out?

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Fnord
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14 Jul 2013, 10:51 am

RudeGoldbergMachine wrote:
@Fnord no we are not married, but we are engaged to be married next spring. We've been together over a year and are very serious and (at least formally) committed/monogamous. I do not want to lose the relationship and regardless of what some have suggested, I love him very much and do not want to hurt him. I just want to fulfill my own desires in as many ways as I can without likely hurting him/breaking up, if that makes any sense. Why do you say it's only cheating if we're married?

Cheating is adultery - having sex with someone outside of one's own marriage. So, if you're not married, it is not adultery; nor is it cheating.

It is, however, promiscuous behavior. It is also selfish and greedy.

I say, "Go for it", but wear a condom.



Cilantro
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14 Jul 2013, 10:58 am

Do you know what the following terms mean?

Principle
Respect
Integrity



The_Face_of_Boo
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14 Jul 2013, 11:10 am

Is it a mass murder if I annihilate a whole tribe in the amazon forest if no one knows about it?



Fnord
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14 Jul 2013, 11:11 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Is it a mass murder if I annihilate a whole tribe in the amazon forest if no one knows about it?

I've always wondered how all of those bodies got there ...

;)



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14 Jul 2013, 11:15 am

You can adopt any kind of morality you want; you can also start to murder and rape people and live happily with him as long as he doesn't know.
The more important issue might be the lying, as others have said, because it destroys the trust you're usually looking for in a relationship. And if you care about morality at all, then you can't decide this without taking his perspective on morality into account, because he's the person your actions will (or at least might) affect.

The fact is that either
- your partner knows and is OK with it that you have sex with other people
or
- your partner believes he is in a monogamous relationship, in which case you're getting more out of the arrangement than he is, which is simply unfair, and frankly, I don't understand how you can "love" someone and treat them unfairly at the same time (and you could also say this is abuse, which you apparently think is "wrong")

Anyway, this must be quite an interesting family if both you and the brother in law are liars without a conscience.


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Fnord
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14 Jul 2013, 11:18 am

Principle (n): 1. A fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for a system of belief or behavior or for a chain of reasoning. 2. A rule or belief governing one's personal behavior.

Respect (n): 1. a relation or reference to a particular thing or situation <remarks having respect to an earlier plan. 2. an act of giving particular attention : consideration. 3. high or special regard.

Integrity (n): 1. firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values : incorruptibility. 2. an unimpaired condition : soundness. 3. the quality or state of being complete or undivided.

@Cilantro: So what's your point?

The man isn't married, so there is no commitment. He's already stated that he just wants to fulfill his own desires in as many ways as he can, so who is to say that he can't?

You?



Cafeaulait
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14 Jul 2013, 11:22 am

No, it´s not.



Alycat
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14 Jul 2013, 11:24 am

Yes it's still wrong.


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14 Jul 2013, 11:25 am

Fnord wrote:
The man isn't married, so there is no commitment.


The OP is asking whether it's "wrong", not whether he's violating a legal contract. There are forms of commitment that don't require a signature.


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14 Jul 2013, 11:27 am

Alycat wrote:
Yes it's still wrong.

Cafeaulait wrote:
No, it´s not.


Lovely. :)


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IlovemyAspie
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14 Jul 2013, 11:33 am

Fnord wrote:
@OP: It isn't cheating unless you are married. Are you married?


Tell that to the engaged couple....I believe in marriage 100% but cheating is cheating. If you've agreed to be exclusive then it's cheating. Not to mention if you cheat now who's to say you wont cheat after marriage. Like simply because it's legal you no longer have the desire because now it's officially cheating???


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14 Jul 2013, 11:33 am

Fnord wrote:
Cheating is adultery - having sex with someone outside of one's own marriage. So, if you're not married, it is not adultery; nor is it cheating.


I also don't get this. I would assume that if he's in a state that recognizes same-sex marriage, then "adultery" likely isn't illegal in that state either. So all that's left is the religious aspect of it, and it strikes me as a bit uncharacteristic of you to argue with religion.


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ChromaticRaven
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14 Jul 2013, 12:13 pm

Regardless of if you are married or not, while in a relationship with someone both parts usually expect the other to be monogamous with one another - that is if you truly love each other. If you did cheat that would be like your not really appreciating the trust and love given to you from your partner, and once you thread that line and do something as outragous as you consider doing behind your boyfriends back, it's just wrong. I guess your also having sex with your boyfriend? Because if you do, then not only do you disrespect his trust in you if you cheat, but your also sort of making him "sleep with" that guy.. Moral of it is that cheating just isn't right. Unless the both of you have bizarrely enough have agreed that the two of you can have partner's outside your "relationship".. Ugh i find that very tacky though


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wildcoyotedancer
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14 Jul 2013, 12:16 pm

It's wrong because its deceitful! Plus eventually it usually gets found out and hen it's emotionally hurtful which can be more painful by far than any physical pain anybody could cause.

If you are really feeling like you can't resist this other person then you need to talk to your partner about it and discuss the possibility of having an open relationship. Otherwise you can't act on this and you have to minimize contact with the brother in law so you aren't tempted to cheat if the feelings of intense attraction are mutual.


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14 Jul 2013, 1:50 pm

What I believe you need to do is ask yourself, and your partner, to define your relationship. If you are in a comitted but open relationship, then go for it. If you are in e comitted and exclusive relationship, then don't. It is not up to you alone to decide this, it is up to the two of you together.
This has nothing to do with marrrige or religion or society's rules, it is whatever the two of you want it to be.



Kurgan
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14 Jul 2013, 1:50 pm

Why is there less stigma attached to a woman cheating on her boyfriend than it is to a man cheating on his girlfriend?