"If I knew you had this Aspergers,I wouldn't have dated

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This is an AWFUL comment to receive, but I got it from my wife of five years (in a relationship for almost 9 years) on more than one occasion. When we first started dating in the mid-2000s, I was already diagnosed and worked every which way and as hard as I could on improving and overcoming my challenges, which helped me "slip under the radar", and I have always been good-looking and worked out regularly; but of course, as time went on and she got more emotionally invested, she noticed something "was off" and of course, since we got married, I "let myself go" for lack of a better description, as it was plenty of effort to consciously think about what I should do, say, or react in any given spontaneous situation.

I told her that if anything, I am a stronger person than average for what I have overcome and improved upon, but she seemed flippant about that, saying that "I'm just a little different and have to try harder (still), people will try to justify anything with medical labels."

Well, it sucks, and it definitely explains why men with Aspergers have a less than 20% success rate with building long-term relationships.
The reason we can "slip under the radar" at times though, is that unlike other conditions, ours can be suppressed with practice. Unfortunately, I have never heard of any young woman accept some Aspergers guy "as is", they had to take steps through speech therapy, motor coordination exercises, experimenting with friends and strangers, etc, etc. So it is very unlikely she would have accepted me if my manifestations were obvious, which is pretty much the corollary to what she told me. It's not like somebody who is say a burn victim, is horribly obese, has severe Tourettes or a stutter or some other very obvious condition that would almost certain disqualify them instantly, ours is more subtle and we can "cheat" the mating system.

But it still bothers me what she said!!

That's because, to be frank, she sounds like a b***h.

Sorry-- I know she's your wife and all, but still.

Your irritating quirks are different than her irritating quirks. Big fat hairy deal. Sooooo what.

Nobody-- NT, AS, or otherwise-- should be expected to live with their company manners on. It is not realistic.

Hence I advocate disclosure and "letting oneself go" as soon as a relationship begins to get serious. After the first kiss, BEFORE the clothes come off.

Causes a lot of heartbreak. Ruins a lot of relationships. Better to ruin them early. Saves time and trouble.

I'm sure she has some wonderful redeeming qualities. But I'd suggest a comeback like, "If I knew you were so intolerant, I wouldn't have married you either."

Yeah that is hurtful. I am a female with possible Aspergers (no official Dx yet but hinted at by a doctoral level psychologist who was supervising me on a case. I work as a 1:1 to kids on the autism spectrum). I too have learned to suppress some of my traits. I date and I was married for 4 years but I struggle with maintaining long term relationships, and not just romantic ones. I tend to get into lots of misunderstandings. Either I misunderstand or misread them or vice versa or both.

I'm really sorry that happened. Does she say hurtful stuff like that a lot?

Those are the kind of comments that usually start fights because of their ignorance and intolerance. I understand your pain. For me, it goes like this. You have your inner quirks that you have to work on. you are an Aspie, there is nothing you can do on that, but for her to say that shows she is no prize herself. After all, you amy be a little weird, but really, no one in life is exempt from having personal quirks. Everyone has their little something to get over, and everyone knows what it is like to feel the pain of hiding your true self in order to be accepted.

So, for her to say that just shows her immaturity as a date. Saying that you were mad as a way to defend yourself is hardly an excuse either. It was evident, but she should have been a little more careful with her words. Point blank. Simple and plain.

Perhaps, it is just me. I'm the type of guy who likes to be open with things, such as my Asperger's or my sexuality only when it is necessary. It's one of my many perfect Litmus tests for dating. If someone dismisses it or treats it like some disease, I know good and well that they aren't dating material. At least, not for me because when you are looking for love, the little things shouldn't have to matter. In a world where people complain a lot about their partners and current single partners, one can't afford to be too picky over stuff like that.

OK. Off my soapbox now. Who wants a turn?

Yeah, she's saying some stupid things, like the medical excuses comment.

On the other hand, she probably feels cheated. As you said, you did not reveal the full extent of your symptoms until after you got her to marry you.
The purpose of dating is to get to know the other person. She fell in love with the self you presented before you got married and now she probably feels like she was duped by false advertising. This can happen with personality disorders or addictions, not just aspergers, but it always winds up hurting both parties. She needs to ask herself if she can love the real you and you need to accept the truth.
In the end it may be best for each of you to go your own way, especially if you have kids yet.

As the OP, I've often said that "women have very good weirdo radar, but they have terrible psycho radar".
Maybe that's a subject for another thread and I'm digressing a little, but...it has plenty of truth to it!
It's more or less in reference to the follow-up poster who said that it was "false advertising" just like people with pathological personality disorders (i.e. the psychos that apparently evade women's radar), the difference being that the latter, unjustly, don't seem to have nearly the same challenges we do in finding dates.

But in any case, I don't think there was anything selfish I did in the suppression of my symptoms. It was for us to enjoy many great memories together, which we have.
It's just like a workplace setting, there's nothing shifty or shady about me suppressing my AS manifestations - at the end of the day, I have to eat, and for that I'm truly unrepentant. So goes it for the personal relationship with her, I have other needs to be fulfilled, and one doesn't need to be an expert on reading between the lines to know what they are.

And speaking of reading between the lines - she has never explicitly told me that I misrepresented myself to her, or that she felt cheated by my facade - but I'm reading between the lines as if that's what's really being said, like I mentioned that's the corollary of the "if I knew you had AS" line.

Guess I don't get any credit for all the effort I put in to come across as more "normal"

Don't try to live up to someone elses expectations, you will never succeed.

<--- ***mumbles something about moving goal posts***

I think there are problems on both sides.

While dating, everyone tends to be on their best behavior, but you had then been diagnosed for about 5 years and did not think it important enough to tell her before you were married. If you are not going to open about aspergers to your soon to be wife, who would you be open about to.

So for her to feel cheated is not unreasonable, and also you "let yourself go" after you were married.

While I realise that you are not going to really get to know someone until after you are living together and you both seem to have missed out because of a combination of non-disclosure and intolerance.

You get plenty of credit. Suppressing symptoms until after marriage was more than I could do...

...though the fact that DH moved in six weeks after we met probably had something to do with that. So did the fact that I was 20, had known of the condition for less than a year, and was still pretty depressed.

So I made a point-blank disclosure, while we were still just friends, and laid all the information I had on the table.

In 1998, that wasn't much.

If I had known then what I know today, I would not have been significant-other hunting. I might have been looking for good friends, but I would not under any circumstances have "fixed myself up," allowed anyone to move into my house, get into my pants, or work their way so deeply into my heart that I could not imagine life without them.

I would have kept my ratty T-shirts and camo, not gotten a more flattering hairdo, and been less friendly and more abrasive with members of the opposite sex.

Simply because marriage means living with somebody.

And living with somebody-- even someone understanding and tolerant-- means NEVER BEING OFF-STAGE. It means that for an NT too...

...but for someone with "typical" quirks and "typical" bad days and "typical" bad behavior that is majority-sanctioned, never being off-stage isn't the big deal it is for someone who does not benefit from that sanction and is not recharged by interacting with another living hominid.

I'm glad I dropped the masking behavior right away-- he can be a bit of a prig, but it could be so much worse. I could have married the first guy I dated-- the one where I couldn't drop the masking, who had a cow every time it slipped. I could have married the second guy I dated-- he knew something was up, but didn't know what (I didn't yet have the words to give him), but that didn't keep him from using it as an excuse to make me feel dumb and keep me "protected" (read: caged). I could have married the girl I dated in high school, who enjoyed encouraging and exploiting my Aspie traits to fuel her own vendetta against society at large-- we had a lot of fun, but that just wasn't a healthy situation.

I have to agree with an above poster-- dating is a chance to get to know each other, to decide if you want to be married. It's a long, mutual interview. It is NOT a one-way interview, or a campaign on the marriage quest. The goal is to find out if the person is a good match-- NOT to "end up married this time."

It's like a job, I guess-- but it's NOT like a job.

At a job, you get paid for your time. In a marriage, the relationship is supposed to be its own reward. At a job, you get to clock out-- you are going to be there 20, 40, 60 hours a week-- and THAT'S IT. In a marriage, you don't get to clock out. EVERYONE puts on company manners at work. Marriage is at home-- home is supposed to be your safe space (and also that of your spouse), which is something everyone needs.

A first date is like work. It's like a job interview. A second date is like getting called back for an in-depth interview. A third date-- now you are dealing with something like a friend. Time to take the work-manners off. When you can't remember how many dates you've been on now?? Or you're together more days than not?? That's potential spouse material...

... and that's time to drop the A-bomb and let them see you au naturel.

Hearts are going to get broken. But-- better now than later.

If one or the other or both parties on a date is constantly on guard, constantly masking (or constantly making excuses, or constantly tolerating), the relationship isn't going to build that safe space. If you come home from every date exhausted in the I-just-got-home-from-work, I-need-three-hours-of-doing-my-thing-and-a-nap way (the not-great-at-all way), the relationship isn't going to build that safe space. If you have to guard against arguing, if you constantly butt heads, if the 21st date feels about like the first date did, the relationship is not going to build that safe space.

If it doesn't build that safe space for one of you, it isn't going to do it for the other one either.

If it doesn't build that safe space, it isn't worth the time, effort, energy, all the stuff it takes to make a marriage run.

Forget all this jerks go to hell, she's baaahhhhd news bro, and she was being nice crap. Next time she says that, she may be saying as a compliment, as in reference to how much of a good husband you are for not letting that stop you. And maybe say "Well do you want me to show you what else I've improved on more than other men?" if you know what I mean, (sex). That should get thing either cleared up and a "Maybe later sweetheart...." or, if you are lucky, "Sounds good hot stuff.". There isn't much you can do, consider it a badge of honor.