What do you do with your wedding ring when you get divorced?

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On New Year's Eve, my husband and I had a talk about our relationship, and how we both need opposite things (he needs a lot of change, whereas I need consistency). Before our talk, I had no idea we were having any problems in our relationship, so the whole thing has been a big shock to me. About a week ago, he suggested the possibility of separating. Today we went to pair therapy, and the therapist asked on a scale of 1 to 10 how much each of us wanted to separate right now. I said 1, meaning I do not want to separate at all, and he said 8, which the therapist said usually means that he has already made up his mind to separate.
In my typical Aspie way, I have yet to totally process the big picture, and have been thinking about the many many details. One thought that has come up was what do you do with your wedding right when you get divorced?

Whatever you want, I guess. I never wore one as I never wear jewelery.

So sorry for this turn of events in your life.

If you bought the wedding ring yourself, just put it in your jewelry box for safekeeping. It's a valuable ring, so you don't want to just throw it out, but you don't want to be going around wearing it either. Now if your ex-husband gave you the ring originally, the right thing to do is return the ring. After all, he paid for it as a symbol of a relationship. Since the relationship is gone, keeping the ring would be wrong. (The hip-hop culture uses the word "golddigger" for this.) So give him back the ring, and make this a clean break. Best of luck.

Very sorry to hear that your husband wants to separate. As to your question, some women simply put their ring on the right hand, or switch it to their index finger on their left hand. Or put it away. It's a very sad thing to have to contemplate.

sorry, you shoudnt focus on what to do with the ring, you need to digest a break down of the marriage, this will take time, and longer for aspies...you will find withou the "distraction" of being in a relationship you may be able to address the aspie related issues which lead to the break up of the marriage, i would keep the ring and give it to any children you may both have just to demonstrate that they were created in a once loving relationship.
turn inward and look nside yourself now, you sensitive to any suggestion and help now...you may be vulnerable but in time, you will get through it. good luck

Mine is sitting in a box somewhere in the back of the closet...someday I'll deal with it or bury it in the front yard and give it a proper funeral.

All I can say is try to deal with everything on a day to day basis...focus on the things that are important right now in your life...everything else is optional.

The proper thing is usually to give it back if you are engaged and the engagment is broken...this generally does not apply if you are married, only if the rings where purchased in advance and the marriage never came about. So it's considered perfectly acceptable to keep them.

I was overly nostalic even though our time together was not too good....I kept notes, things from places we went together to, cards...you name it...I wish I hadn't, it's tough.

My mother sold her wedding ring so I could have Christmas presents one year.

i have several boxes in my cupboard, one for each partner or special person, full of objects and things which remind me of intimate memories and shared experiences... i cannot throw anything in any one of them away. even silly things like bus tickets and birthday cards. even when things finish, i still can never forget those special times.

which reminds me, i need to buy a new box

sorry to hear about your relationship difficulties. i only had a 'surprise' ending once in a relationship, and it hurt the most

I like the 'melt it down and make it into a bullet to pierce your ex'es shrunken black heart' option, but then again, I'm a really vindictive prick.

...oh there are days..... But then I think we all have them.

Hi Jackie

** - What Donkey said - **

I had a sticky-beak at your web page. Your avatar and pictures look so happy, reading your tale of woe doesn't fit the picture. I feel very sad for you.

You are an American (? and married a Finn ? assuming from your CV). Can you have time apart without it being a "separation"? Can you and your kids have a holiday to America and leave your husband in Finland? Talk to your therapist/counsellor. My advice is usually wrong

Let's see... if my husband divorced me, I'd take the ring, run over it with the car a few times, set up an altar and burn black candles on top of it, put it in a glass case with a scorpion, and then bury it over the grave of some notorious psycopath or dictator.

That's the thing... I really can't bring myself to be mad at him, at least not right now. I know it's hard to live with an aspie, especially if neither of you know they are. I only became aware that I could have AS in October or November. A lot of the things that made my husband unhappy in the first place are related to the AS - he felt I had no empathy or interest in hearing about things that were really important to him, and that I was constantly criticizing him for not doing things the way I thought they should be done. I've been trying really hard to be a better listener and a more supportive partner, and to keep comments about "minor" things to myself, but it takes a huge conscious effort. And of course, now he feels really guilty about it because we know it's not something I can easily control.

We talked some more last night, and he admitted that he's not totally happy with the thought of separating (despite rating his desire to separate as 8 earlier that day), but he doesn't know what else to do. To him, separation would not be irreversible, but I told him that for me it would be, because I would not be able to re-establish my trust in him. I'm not sure how I would feel about just living apart for an unspecified length of time, but for me, divorce would definitely be final.

He's starting to think he may have some problems forming attachments to the people in his life because he abstractly wants good things for my daughter and me, and wants us to be happy, but he doesn't feel any particular connection to us. His family was very dysfunctional when he was growing up, and he's struggled with low self-esteem and depression. He said it was particularly hard when he was a teenager, because he felt like somebody should have noticed his problems, but nobody did. That probably made it especially difficult for him when I failed to notice his problems, too. He's been trying to make sense of his life up to this point, but it's been overwhelming trying to do it mostly on his own. He thinks he might give therapy a try, too.

Maybe it's not as bad as I thought, or maybe I'm just clinging to whatever hope I can find. I don't know.



Until New Year's Eve, I was completely oblivious that anything was wrong. Apparently my husband had felt unhappy in the relationship for a long time already, and New Year's Eve he finally said something because he just couldn't take it any more.



Yes, I'm American and he is Finnish. I had actually been thinking that in the spring maybe I would go with my daughter to visit my family in the US. I can't really do anything like that right now though. Obviously there's no convenient time to have a crisis, but right now is a particularly bad time - we're in the middle of a huge project at work (deadline by the end of March). On top of that, I've been frantically trying to find a new daycare for our daughter, and I'm in the process of getting diagnosed for AS.

I am going to see a therapist on Friday, and we will definitely talk about this.

Did you think (or hope) we all forgot about you?

How are things going?

Kind of.

I went to therapy last Friday. I can't say it was much help because the therapist's English was not terrific, and my Finnish would be woefully inadequate for discussing this. I did decide to start taking antidepressants, and I started them yesterday. I'm feeling a little better, although I doubt that's the work of the antidepressants just yet. I also spent some time with friends during the weekend, and it was kind of a relief to finally be able to tell somebody what's going on.

As for the relationship situation, now that we're having a crisis, my husband and I are actually communicating with each other, which makes it even harder for me to understand why he feels he needs to leave. He definitely wants to leave though. I asked him if he would still say 8 on a scale of 1 to 10, and he said yes. He's going to move out as soon as he finds an apartment and take some time to figure out who he is and what he wants, etc. He seems to think that after about 6 months, he'll probably know whether he wants to get back together or separate permanently (i.e. divorce).

At this point, I feel like there's nothing I can do about it any more - obviously I want him to stay, but there's no point trying to make him if he doesn't want to. I feel like it's up to him to decide what he wants, and I will just have to find a way to be OK with whatever happens.

Glad you are feeling better.

Does your husband have any hobbies or interests (something like Rotary) that gives him time to himself? Do you think suggesting something like that could help?

Don't reply if you don't feel like it.

Hope thing work out.

Kind regards from Australia