Fears

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Let me start this off by saying that I'm 26 years old and never had a real girlfriend. Laugh if you want, but I'm sure i'm not the only one here. This is mostly due to a lack of effort. However the lack of effort isn't due to a lack of interest, but largely an intense fear of being considered a "creep." I'm horrified by the thought of confessing my feelings to a girl or acting on what I think might be a "signal" and creeping her out by my misinterpretation.
Sometimes I feel like maybe I should be aware that women are repulsed by me and that even trying would be wrong and cause pain for everyone involved. I mean, I don't THINK that I act creepy or anything, but then again, people who are actual creeps are usually oblivious to the fact.

It goes beyond just a fear of rejection, i think. I imagine everything that could go wrong with a relationship with someone I like: from initial rejection after telling her how I feel, to the fact that due to not having any real relationship experience, that I'll try to go in for a kiss at the wrong time or say something innapropriate, etc. and I'll be permanently labeled a creepy guy.
I have been on a few dates, but they always ended up being awkward because, again, I was afraid of doing something wrong and looking like a creep. One girl said that she thought I would be more outgoing when we met, because that's how I apparently came off in our text conversations. I guess I'm less fearful of looking like a socially incompetent weirdo when typing for some reason.

I've never had any problems making friends or anything. It's easy to tell when someone considers you a friend, but I have trouble determining if someone is interested in me sexually/romantically, unless they make it extremely obvious. compound that with the fact that I've never really been able to observe how relationships form in the real world, and my fear of being creepy, and you get the situation I'm in today. I just feel so unattractive most of the time, and I'm hoping that there have been some who have found me attractive and just didn't make it obvious, but I've always been too afraid to ask anyone that I had a suspicion about. Maybe part of my fear comes from the fact that everyone seems to put romantic relationships on some high pedestal above friendships where everything can come crashing down and ruin your life if you don't do everything exactly right from the beginning. Idk.

But anyway, that's my rant. Is there any way that I can I squash this fear of unintentionally creeping out women? I suppose that having so little experience at my age is already kind of weird and creepy, right?

Look at it a different way.

Your weird and creepiness has a payoff - it is an excuse for you not giving yourself to a situation.

By not doing this, you are denying women the pleasure of getting to know you. So, actually, it's a shield against rejection. No matter what happens, you cannot be rejected - because you are not showing the real you. And, perversely, that allows you an element of control in the interaction.

If you concentrated on the other person as a human being, and actually had fun with them, then who knows.

Your point about pedestals is completely true, in my opinion. It's like a prize that you're getting, or something. How's about seeing it as giving of yourself, not getting? On these threads, most people seem to be concerned about getting this and that - they're not really into the giving spirit.

And, actually, it's none of your business what anyone else thinks of you. It's their free choice. You might have some say over this - but you cannot control it. Stop trying to, and things change.

Yes.
Get a good book on body language that includes courtship behavior. Read the whole thing thoroughly.

Then click on my second signature link and read that.



BTW what IS a "real girlfriend," exactly? Maybe you have...

Yeah, I realize that I use my fear as a bit of a crutch. If I think I like someone, my subconscious reminds me that "I'm a weirdo and a creep for even thinking that she'll like me back." So that becomes and excuse to do nothing. Even if it's not true that she'll think I'm weird or creepy, it's hard to fight those fears.


Because "real girlfriend" sounds better than "never had a girlfriend" lol.
But I've had plenty of female friends in my life, many of whom I get along with quite well. But as soon as I'd entertain the idea of formally dating one of them, my mind would revert to the thoughts of "what would happen if she rejects you" or "she'll hate you for even thinking of her that way." I'd simply assume that they'd drop all contact and never want to talk to me again if they ever found out how really I felt about them , to the point where I'd dismiss any thoughts of what would happen if they actually liked me back. I just always felt like an unlovable person for some reason.


Any specific books you would recommend?

I think you need to work on figuring out The Reason, possibly with the help of a good therapist, if you are fortunate enough to be able to find a good one. Otherwise, journaling is a great tool. (As a specific suggestion, if you are after specifics, I'd try to connect with your fears on an emotional level, start writing with the phrase "I remember when," keep going as long as you can without judging yourself too much and just see what you've managed to dredge up on the pages. Couldn't hurt). After you work through The Reason, I have the feeling you'll find that the rest falls into place for you, with some growing pains and learning experiences along the way being a given.

I see a woman in public, and completely ignore her. My longest relationship was 2 months. I feel ya man. I don't know if women like me or not, if they are looking at me, or if they are looking at something behind me. I feel that love isn't for me, at all. But I am happy with who I am, because I'm not gonna' pursue something that I don't want...right? (Still figuring out what I want, but with time I'll find out.)""

I've blown away so many opportunities with talking to women, it happens almost daily. It no longer bothers me because I stop worrying about it. If someone thinks ill of me, I'm glad I didn't talk to them anyway...why would I want a negative Nancy in my life?

The unloved part...I relate 100% You know how you go to a restaurant and see a couple on a date? Yeah, sometimes I imagine if I were the guy, taking her out on a date, and also remember what dating was like for me when I was in the "game." I feel like I'm 5'1" (I'm 5' 7", lol) trying to play in the NBA. It just doesn't fit me. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to date again, and go through that huge..."process." My last girlfriend did mention one time I didn't like her "enough." So that is one part I know for sure that I don't want to happen. So I guess I'm staying in a shell, not taking a risk at all. It's a risk I don't see value in, but the WHOLE world assumes, "OMG you have to find love before you die." Screw the norm, I'll create my own version of happiness.

I do know that part of the reason is that I think i have a little bit of body dysmorphia going on. Not to an extreme degree, but I've felt somewhat ugly since I first started getting acne which had a huge impact on my self esteem/confidence, especially in the dating area. I've finally found a treatment that seems to be working reliably (tried antibiotics for a few years but it only reduced the problem temporarily, never got rid of it.) but after 12 years of feeling like I have a disgusting face, those feelings are kind of engrained. Feeling ugly combined with fears of rejection isn't a good combination.

I know that I must not be completely unattractive, though, as there have been a few cases where someone made their attraction obvious enough where even I could pick up on it. There was a girl in college who flirted with me a lot, and I actually liked her quite a bit, too, but I never made a move because of the fears I talked about earlier.
Another time I remember walking in the city, and a random woman started staring at me and gave me a smile. That might sound weird, but she seemed to be making it apparent that she was attracted to me. That left me somewhat confused, because I had no idea who she was, but she seemed to find something attractive about me. I tried to tell myself that there was some other reason for her flirty-ness, or that she was looking behind me or something, but I know that probably wasn't true. I don't know if I should have tried to talk to her, but it probably would have been better than doing nothing, which is what i did.
Again, just wasted opportunities due to my fears and insecurities.



Probably good advice. Still, I'd like to at least know what it feels like to love someone and have them love you back.

If you have Asperger's, it's not a stretch at all to think that there may have been a lot more women who've found you attractive than those few cases, but you just were not picking up on the nonverbal signals. I wonder if maybe trying a dating website and getting to know women over an extended period of time online before meeting in person might be an avenue for you to try? It sort of levels the playing field for you and the person you're talking with, in terms of reading each other, since it eliminates the added complications of body language, tone of voice, etc. that you need to try to decipher when meeting someone in person.

To the OP, If you want to get a girlfriend or just make female friends, you're going to have to take the initiative and approach her. How about try approaching girls you already know? I know approaching and talking to women can be scary at first but I promise you the more you do it, the better you will become at it and the easier it will become.

So next time you see a cute girl you know, talk to her even if you brain tells you stop. Ignore your brain this time, and have the willpower to approach her. And once you get to know her better, you can ask her on a date. The worse thing she can say is no.

If you never approach women, then chances are you will be alone for a lot longer than you want and most guys do not want that.

I feel like this sometimes. Now, I have had relationships and I am usually informed that there is some sort of queue out there of men waiting to date me although nobody ever asks me out so I don't really understand this queue reference at all. But still. I am terrified of being creepy and I think it's because some people have creeped me out in the past and I didn't know how to deal with it and I felt bad for being creeped out by them so now it's a guilt trip too.

Do you always feel this or just in relation to some women? My recent theory is that this creepiness issue is like some sort of internal radar that tells you to avoid certain people because they wouldn't be the right match. So maybe if you look at it that way and not like there is something fundamentally creepy about you, it will help you relax enough to enjoy the company of the next girl who finds you attractive?

I have tried OKCupid, actually. It was kind of a half joke/ half serious profile though. I used this as my profile pic: http://imgur.com/FZeFNaZ
I actually got a few dates out of that, believe it or not. I don't know that I call it "successful" though, seeing as it was only a few and none of them went past the first date. One girl I met through there said she thought I would be more outgoing in person than I was online, probably because I was timid and afraid to really show interest, even though we met on a dating site.
I might have more luck if I try to make a real dating profile though. I just don't like putting up photos of myself online. I always find it embarrassing, though in some way's I'm curious to know if I appear attractive or not.

There's another girl that I met elsewhere online (not through WP, lol) that I'll admit I have a bit of a crush on. She and I talk almost every day, and I feel like we're pretty good friends. I really want to tell her that I like her, but I have no idea how she'll react, and I don't want to lose her as a friend, either. Her living several states away also kind of complicates things, as it might make it difficult to meet in person.


I'm not really afraid of creeping out women who I don't feel would be a good match, as I'm not interested in them as a potential partner anyway. My fear is mostly around women who I am interested in, because I'm afraid of screwing things up, I guess.

seriously? you got dates of that photo??

I tried online dating for a week. Well, when I say tried, I mean I looked at lots of photos of guys and read their profiles and realised I didn't want to meet any of them so I closed down the account.

I think you are maybe not as shy as you think you are, you know, just a regular kind of timid. I went out with a guy once , we were both 27 or 28 and he was also a little bit like you in terms of experience and feeling like he felt he couldn't approach the women he liked but the weird thing was he was really cute so I have no idea how he ended up with such a low self esteem and girlfriend count for such a long time. \

Anyway, you said you have lots of friends, hopefully some of them are female, can't you ask them for their opinion on your attractiveness etc? Nobody likes the idea of rejection, and especially if it's someone we like, that's just normal. I guess if you can learn to accept that sometimes you will get it wrong and it will feel ouchie for a bit but it's not the end of the world, then maybe you can try out with those girls anyway. If they are right for you, you'll have to go well out of your way to screw it up. And if they are not right for you, better to find out sooner and move on to someone with more potential.

lol yup.
I did offer up a real photo after a few PM exchanges though. I think I'm more charming online than in real life, lol.


I suppose I could, but I'd feel kind of weird doing that.

the secret of successful people is that they are prepared to feel uncomfortable a lot of the time in pursuit of their goals.

Have you posted it on here before? If not, maybe that's the compromise you can live with? It's very difficult for us to know how we come across to people, I have this problem a lot, someone recently told me they see me as this glamorous person which frankly just made me question their mental faculties, so I guess it is useful to get other people's opinion on your appearance because you may be acting under assumption you look one way but people may see you differently. Of course, there is no guarantee that you will be able to tell how the person you are interested sees you unless you ask, so not really sure how useful this advice is after all.

Over thinking things never helps. Unless you are defusing bombs.

Lol, was that from a few years ago? If so, small world. I haven't been on OK for a very long time, but that photo looks kind of familiar. I mean, it's something that would stick in someone's memory ...

I've had that profile for awhile, so yes, it's entirely possible that you saw it, lol