What should I do with my friend?

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Hillingar
Hummingbird
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Age: 32
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27 Oct 2013, 8:08 pm

So..that's the context. I found a really special person, he became my best friend very quickly :wink: . And we spend more time than we should together because we like each other very much. A few days ago he said to me he thinks he's in love with me and that I'm definitely more than a friend. I'd like him to be my boyfriend, because we're very happy together, we're kinda soul-mates, but the real fact is that he finds me attractive, but I don't like him in the same way. He's not very good looking, but that's would be okay for me. The real thing that I found extremely unattractive is his smell (he takes showers only randomly and he uses the same clothes for more and more days..) and the fact that he's indecisive and a bit clumsy. Sometimes I'd really like to hug or kiss him, because anyway there is a slight attraction and hugs and kisses are also a way to show affection (that's strong for him), but all in all I see him more like a brother.
More than a friend, actually :wink: . But I don't think it's enough to be his girlfriend....

a voice in my head is telling me not to let him go (because he's special and nice and romantic. And I like him for a lot of reasons. Then we're in sync and I love him in a platonic way). He's the nicest guy I've ever met. He only need to have more showers and I could easily correct him. But the other part of me says it's not enough and that I don't love him in the same way he does. And that I'm gonna hurt him...
What should I do?

we've different opinion about love too. For him romantic love is true. While I never fell in love with anyone and I'm really rational and pragmatic. Still friendly though, but not romantic at all. I have a strong schizoid reaction every time somebody wants a relationship. I'm scary about how seriously he's taking what's going on.
He's already planning our lives together...and to move in my city after his graduation (approximately in four years). But I fear to spend my whole life with another person..
Am I loosing a good chance to be happy?
What should I tell him?

thank you in advance for reading..



JinNJ
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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27 Oct 2013, 8:55 pm

Tell him you want to take things slow and not rush because your level of attachment is not at what his is. Let him know the things you do like and tell him you want to keep seeing him but emphasize the taking things slow part. Then tell him that sometimes you would like to get closer to him but his re-worn clothes carry a smell. Then ask if he could maybe shower and change at least every day that he sees you.



JinNJ
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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Joined: 8 Sep 2013
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27 Oct 2013, 8:58 pm

And also don't stress so much about his view on love and your view. You'd be surprised at how little people can truly articulate that they just "feel" it. Once you ask them why, they start listing reasons and indications that what they "feel" is love. If you pay attention to what they say indicates "love" it is the same things that indicate to the pragmatic and practical mind as like, respect, consideration, and caring.

So you guys may actually be experiencing the exact same thing but your way to describe it comes from a higher brain function than his.