sleepovers are a no/no for my autistic lover......

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chatty
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18 Nov 2013, 6:01 pm

hello everyone,
i am a neurotypical (sorry if this is not the right word, am vvv new to this) 56 year old woman involved with a 50 year old man yo describes himself as a highly functioning autistic savant. we have been together for three months and we are very much in love, committed to each other, have many commonalities on the emotional, intellectual and erotic levels. we see each other once or twice a week due to our complicated work, commuting and family obligations. no one, but no one i have ever been with has been so kind, generous, loving, understanding....and he says the same about me...he says he feels "safe" with me, that i accept him unconditionally (which i do), and that i even accept and adore his quirks (he is a very feminine man with a pantyhose fetish).
now the two problems: 1) i cannot visit him bc he says his apartment is a pathetic mess (he lives with a roomate who accdg to him is equally messy) ...though i can live with this since i work long hours, have a horrible commute and he lives about 45+minutes away by subway. not to mention that i respect his boundaries. the really big problem is 2) he cannot sleep over, and says he has not slept over a lover's apt since 1995. i have broached the topic on a few occasions and simply asked him if it is negotiable and he often replies a halfhearted "yes"...so i decided to leave the topic alone for now. accdg to my very wise therapist, i have to go by his own temporal rhythm. what should i do? it is very important to me to have him sleep over at least once in a while....how should i handle this?
thanks all!
c



MadeUnderground
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18 Nov 2013, 6:09 pm

Is it possible for you two to get a hotel room or something for a night?

Is it possible that you ask him about you staying the night there (after you help him and his roommate pick up a bit)?

Is it possible for him to hang out at your place until late in the night just to get him used to almost sleeping over there?


He may just be scared of change in sleeping environment and may need baby steps with it, if he's truly willing to try.



kirayng
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18 Nov 2013, 6:15 pm

Agree with baby steps. It's a huge deal to sleep over somewhere different, even if they want to. I still have trouble spending the night at my parents house even though I made myself do it a lot of times to be okay with the occasional night in the future.

He may be too embarrassed to have you over his place, perhaps yours would be better?



Willard
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18 Nov 2013, 6:25 pm

I have trouble sleeping even when I'm alone, much less with another human body in the bed. Besides, it always seems to lead to the other person eventually inserting themselves into my life and taking it over. Eventually I realized that I am just not suited to sharing living space with another person. They always want to change everything, including their partner.

Don't know if any of that has anything to do with your situation, but I'm about the same age. OTOH, I cannot abide a slob. That kind of disorganization is alien and loathsome to me.

However, someone making excuses not to even show me their living space would make me suspect that they were married.