Dealing with Being Lied To

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As an aspie I find it very hard to be dishonest when dating but it almost always seems to be the case that guys (I'm a guy) are never telling me the straight up truth. And the odd part is that when I hear girls complain about men lying its usually about sex. For me, I find though its always about dating. Guys I find interesting will always say they're too busy with life or just newly single and not ready for anything but then days or weeks later are in a committed relationship suddenly. When I catch them doing this I make it a point to make them look like a dick but at the end of the day although I feel happy in achieving retribution it makes me really upset that yet again, I come across as gullible in my own mind.

Logically honesty just seems like its the most efficient way to go in life because it really clears the air of a lot of unknowns and perception biases. But as we know as aspies, aspie logic =/= NT logic which leaves me with a bit of a paradox; do I just assume people are probably lying to me and continue in leaving them on my interest list and keep taking the hits (but then why be with that type of person?!) or hold out for that other honest guy (low success chance as I live on an island)? It would sadden me to have to shift my bright outlook on the potential of others to the assumption of perpetual deception.....

Thanks for any advice.

Well... a lot of women I have been around lie too. Women typically do it to get what they want (usually attention and a free therapist). It may not revolve around sex as much as you think.

I deal with being lied to as followed... I always keep that person at arms length. If they want me to trust them, they have to earn my trust. That might be the best way to go about it. Listen to what they say and observe their actions. The actions will either be consistent with what comes out of their mouth, or it isn't. That is the black and white of it.

The grey areas surround what you know about a person's character. There will be circumstances in which they act a certain way they wouldn't normally (ie. they went on vacation and let loose, They got stressed out and took a night out to let loose, etc).

I find that most men on the spectrum have a strong ambition to be in a loving relationship more than anything. Sure, sex is part of that, but it isn't the sole objective (emphasis on MOST autistic men I've met).

With NT men, connecting and developing report with strangers is far easier. So many of them have access to large amounts of casual sex partners, and would prefer not to have the burdens of a relationship to go along with it until their late 20's/30's. There are a lot of NT guys who are looking for monogamous relationships, but lying for the sake of a quick sexual encounter isn't even slightly rare.

Think of it this way. Autistic men are like those starving kids you see on TV at night. They'd be happy for a baloney sandwich, and be pretty thankful that they got it. It tastes okay, and fulfills your need for sustenance.

NT men have a buffet at their disposal. Some of them will go for a healthy salad and be done with it. But a lot of them will end up scarfing down brownies and soft-serve ice cream, because they have access to as much as they want. But they're going to have to go get the salad eventually, before the buffet closes.

Man, I really extended that metaphor farther than I intended.

Feeling that you have to be snarky to someone because they weren't attracted to you and tried to let you down easy should make you feel childish and petty.
What you call "lying" they likely think of as "being diplomatic." Not everybody you desire is going to desire you back, that's just a fact of life. I know it stings, but you can't obsess over it and make it out to be such a cruel personal rejection in your mind.

I know the autistic brain doesn't automatically default to that empathetic "Theory of Mind" mode, but try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Imagine someone expresses attraction for you and, well, they're just not your type. Nothing particularly revolting about them, they seem perfectly nice, there's just no chemistry for you. You don't want to hurt their feelings, so you make up an excuse off the top of your head. Hell, anything sounds better than "Sorry, I'm just not into you."

A week later, you meet somebody you are attracted to, it's working out nicely and up comes the person whose feelings you tried to spare and they throw a drink in your face. Does that seem justified? Or a little unhinged? It sounds like the problem isn't so much other people being intentionally dishonest, as you being disappointed because the situation you were hoping for turned out to be a fantasy.

My advice is: Don't be so intense. It's a strange paradox, but there are certain things in life that you just can't force. The harder you chase them, the further you push them away. You just have to trust that they will happen when the stars align correctly and stop worrying about it. Hand to God, dude, it only happens when you're NOT looking for it.

Willard is right. Please listen to him. I was appalled when you said you made a point of making the guy look like a dick. Why do you want to be a drama queen?
I'm sorry. That wasn't polite. But, why?

I've known women to do this, and not ready for anything just means she's not interested in me or she's seeing someone, and I move on. I don't hang around giving them second chances that they just don't want. They'll just lap up all the attention I give them because it makes them feel desirable. Basically get a thicker skin, learn to be tough and move on to the next person if someone doesn't like you. Take the hint and don't give second chances. Really don't give second chances, no matter how cute or shy they are or anything else.

Also, as you keep finding the same people.. it is not coincidence. You have to own responsibility for continuing to pick the wrong people, and work out why that is. Having an attitude towards others is not going to help you.

They are right. It's no good blaming others as there is no growth that way. A lot of aspies blame others for their problems, it's a psychological reaction to poor social skills. It is worth getting into the habit of taking responsibility for that.

It's like political correctness. They are convinced that what they are doing is for the good of everyone.

I feel like the important thing to consider is that they aren't lying to you about what they want, which is to not be in a committed relationship, and so they don't really see it as lying at all.

It's just difficult for you to separate the intended message from how it's presented, even when it's being presented a certain way specifically to spare your feelings somehow.

In any case, try not to get too hung up on the behavior of people who, because they aren't real love interests, aren't very important to your life at all. People like that will pass in and out of your life so quickly, and be so quickly forgotten, that they ultimately aren't worth thinking about.

I have a hard time with dishonesty too. NT's are good liars, not always for malicious reasons. A lot of times it is make someone feel better.

From my perspective, because I can't pick up on other people's intentions unless they come right out and say it, lying to me strikes at my heart. I can never trust a person again after I caught them in a lie. I understand how you feel.

Unfortunately, you can't change human nature. People lie. I have never had a woman be honest with me about why she was rejecting me--ever. That is not the communication style of most people. Most people are not going to put in the effort to communicate with you the way that you, as an Aspie, are going to understand.

I would not try to force someone to be honest or punish someone for being dishonest. It is not going to work. Keep the focus on the fact that they rejected you and move on. Don't let the idea of scarcity lead you to settle for less.

Last year, I broke up with my girlfriend over nearly 5 years, finding out she:

had been cheating on me from Day 1

lied to me about pretty much everything

couldn't hold a job to save her life

fell for an international monetary scam similar to the Prince of Nigeria thing, and not only didn't bother to tell me, but instead brought her "best friend" who I think she was also doing in on it.


Regardless, one thing I came to realize just a few weeks ago after chatting with a family member of mine is that I'm pretty much used to people keeping me at arms length all the time, and that includes my own family unfortunately. Because of this, I believed that's probably what love was, and never really expected more from my partner in a relationship.

Now I know that's not what love is, but rather from people around me who are frightened by me and don't know how to communicate with me.

Essentially, I understand now what to look for in a relationship whereas before I was pretty much taking what I'd always gotten, thinking it was what love was supposed to be.