The reason why many are single

Page 8 of 9 [ 131 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 5, 6, 7, 8, 9  Next

Acedia
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 26 Feb 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 489

04 Jan 2014, 2:30 pm

hurtloam wrote:
I automatically flirt with men I am attracted to if we are able to converse and I feel comfortable with him. Like a couple of guys I can think of, one was too old, the other was married, so nothing happened. But we flirted easily.


Flirting? I can't even tell when people are flirting with me. I only knew some women liked me in the past because they outright said it. It's why I wish women were more straightforward.

______________________________________________________________________

Here are some articles that pertain to what I posted earlier:

http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013 ... s-epidemic

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfre ... eople-jobs

http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/content/ ... w=Standard


Loneliness is fairly common. It happens to NTs just as much.

.....



hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,215
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

05 Jan 2014, 4:45 am

Acedia wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I automatically flirt with men I am attracted to if we are able to converse and I feel comfortable with him. Like a couple of guys I can think of, one was too old, the other was married, so nothing happened. But we flirted easily.


Flirting? I can't even tell when people are flirting with me. I only knew some women liked me in the past because they outright said it. It's why I wish women were more straightforward.
.....


I don't think I ever initiate the flirting. I think if the man is flirting with me I reciprocate if I like him back.

If you want to see an example of over the top flirting watch one of Nigella Lawson's cookery shows. The way she angles her head and looks up sideways at the camera with a cheeky smile, the way she does these silly little bounces and shrugs as she's explaining stuff and the little innuendos she throws into the dialogue. That's flirting, granted, its very over the top and annoying flirting, but I know men that watch her show just for that and they like it. I have to turn it off, she annoys the hell out of me. I've noticed other female cookery presenters immitating her and that annoys me too. like Lorraine Pascale.



aussiebloke
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 14 Oct 2009
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,407

05 Jan 2014, 5:02 am

^^^^

that's not flirting she's high as a kite, good grief the celebrity English chef thing is soooo 1990's time to move on ?
I find her almost as annoying as Jamie Oliver I'd like to ask that sell out do I shop at farmers markets or exclusively at sainsburys ?
seriously I seem to be one of the very few men that finds her creepy :?


_________________
Theirs a subset of America, adult males who are forgoing ambition ,sex , money ,love ,adventure to sit in a darkened rooms mastering video games - Suicide Bob


aussiebloke
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 14 Oct 2009
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,407

05 Jan 2014, 6:37 am

AspieOtaku wrote:
The reason why many are still single? Its simple, because were autistic and not many people like us!


agreed sadly we don't work it out till it's to late :cry:


_________________
Theirs a subset of America, adult males who are forgoing ambition ,sex , money ,love ,adventure to sit in a darkened rooms mastering video games - Suicide Bob


NatureLover
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2012
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Posts: 101
Location: Texas

05 Jan 2014, 6:42 am

-I don't know how to respond to their body language, I can't tell if they are plain flirting, really in love, or just want to get in bed with me. I prefer if someone just told me the truth without having to make me waste all my energy in trying to guess in my mind what their message is.

-As much as I want someone to love, I need to be alone to spend some time in my "own world"

-With all the crazy cheating, sex with multiple partners, womanizers and such, I won't even know if I'm with the right person. It will be hard to find someone understandable and true of heart. I don't get how some NT's go around having sex with strangers. To me, sex should come with love and not just for physical pleasure.

-Not sure if I'm going to be comfortable being so close to the person that I love due to some sensitive touch issues in certain areas.



Eureka13
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Nov 2013
Age: 63
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,058
Location: The wilds of Colorado

05 Jan 2014, 9:36 am

Does anyone else spend hours going over and over what someone said (or wrote) to you analyzing and trying to discern every little nuance of meaning? I've been known to do that with mates and potential mates if I am uncertain as to their meaning. So many times someone will say something. Initially I will take it at face value, then later they may say something that doesn't exactly match what they said before, and then begins the obsessive analysis. I hate that I do it, and it's exhausting.

As NatureLover said, it's also almost impossible to determine another person's motives - are they flirting? Are they just being nice? Do they like me? Do they just want sex?

With my late fiance, we flirted a lot, but since he was Aspie too, he never minded when I would "call" him on something he said and ask for an explanation of why he said that today, when last week he said something similar but not exactly the same. Having these conversations with him helped me to better understand the nuances of flirting. Unfortunately, he was unique so I don't know if understanding him will help me in other relationships.

And I hate the thought of having to go back to the guessing/overanalyzing thing. :?



leafplant
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Oct 2013
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,222

05 Jan 2014, 10:30 am

Eureka13 wrote:
Does anyone else spend hours going over and over what someone said (or wrote) to you analyzing and trying to discern every little nuance of meaning? I've been known to do that with mates and potential mates if I am uncertain as to their meaning. So many times someone will say something. Initially I will take it at face value, then later they may say something that doesn't exactly match what they said before, and then begins the obsessive analysis. I hate that I do it, and it's exhausting.

As NatureLover said, it's also almost impossible to determine another person's motives - are they flirting? Are they just being nice? Do they like me? Do they just want sex?

With my late fiance, we flirted a lot, but since he was Aspie too, he never minded when I would "call" him on something he said and ask for an explanation of why he said that today, when last week he said something similar but not exactly the same. Having these conversations with him helped me to better understand the nuances of flirting. Unfortunately, he was unique so I don't know if understanding him will help me in other relationships.

And I hate the thought of having to go back to the guessing/overanalyzing thing. :?


Sometimes - it's because I know that asking directly isn't guaranteed to make this clearer and could in fact make the relationship worse. I have also asked other people in the past but their perceptions and also relationship with that other person are different so they see things differently. There are as many truths as there are moments.

As I have become older I find it even more confusing. When I was younger I automatically assumed any man who appeared interested in talking to me was after sex. That cannot be assumed now, so if a new person at work engages me in conversation I assume they are just trying to make friends because they are new, or they talk to me to pass the time until someone more important or more interesting becomes available.



JackV
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 4 Jan 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 1

05 Jan 2014, 11:49 am

I don't know if the women posting negative stereotypes in this thread here all have AS, but they certainly aren't giving a useful perspective to myself. Stating that I can't find someone because I want a surrogate mother is grossly inaccurate, and the apparent ease with which you've had casual relationships discredits any possible understanding you might have of the loneliness and suffering I and those like me experience into an advanced age, and the causes.



leafplant
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Oct 2013
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,222

05 Jan 2014, 12:04 pm

JackV wrote:
I don't know if the women posting negative stereotypes in this thread here all have AS, but they certainly aren't giving a useful perspective to myself. Stating that I can't find someone because I want a surrogate mother is grossly inaccurate, and the apparent ease with which you've had casual relationships discredits any possible understanding you might have of the loneliness and suffering I and those like me experience into an advanced age, and the causes.


I don't think anyone is stating anything specifically about you - that would be impossible because this is your first post here and nobody knows anything about you. Did you read the the title of the thread carefully? It says the reason 'many' are single. It doesn't even specify that it is many people on the autism spectrum because it actually refers to many people. NTs and others included. If you see yourself in the description, than that is up to you.

And I have never found it easy to have relationship let alone casual ones. Also, I don't think I've ever had a casual relationship. In my previous relationship I had to do all the work and even go so far as to take the initiative to kiss the guy and tell him I liked him just to then have him tell me that he was in a confused space in his head and wasn't ready for a relationship. But as we had been friends for a while up until that point he decided to give me a chance after thinking about it. Believe me, that was really not easy to do for me as I had obsessed about this guy for over a year previously and thought he didn't find me attractive at all.

Since I've been single I've been attracted to several guys but none of them asked me out and I wasn't ready to take rejection so didn't ask them although I tried what I could do further things and ended up embarrassing myself hugely on all accounts. That's just what you have to be prepared to risk if you want to get close to people.

I don't know what your particular problems are though, and nobody can offer advice or solutions that would fit all people and all situations.



hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,215
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

05 Jan 2014, 1:02 pm

JackV wrote:
I don't know if the women posting negative stereotypes in this thread here all have AS, but they certainly aren't giving a useful perspective to myself. Stating that I can't find someone because I want a surrogate mother is grossly inaccurate, and the apparent ease with which you've had casual relationships discredits any possible understanding you might have of the loneliness and suffering I and those like me experience into an advanced age, and the causes.


Good, you should make someone a good partner then. This has helped you. It has helped you see a strength you have and something that you have to offer to women. Embrace your strengths.

I'm lonely too. Never been in a proper relationship. Never done the casual sex thing either. Saying what women do and do not like in a man doesn not mean that we don't understand that some men feel very lonely, as lonely as I feel, but just because we are lonely doesn't mean that makes us automatically a good partner for someone. Being lonely doesn't mean that I deserve to be loved like everyone else. I want to be loved, but that doesn't mean anyone has to love me.

I know older people who have been married for decades who mock single people by saying that the single people complain about an "apparent lack of suitable partners." Basically what they are saying is that the single people should just get together because they are single and are available. They see a single man they know and they see a single woman they know and think, "well they are stupid, look there is an available person, therefore they can't complain that there are no other available people, why don't they just get married already" but they totally disregard whether the two single people are compatible or not or whether th.
ey annoy each other and drive each other to distraction..

I'm not saying that all aspies want a surrogate mother or that anyone sets out with that idea in the first place. But it is a point I want to bang home because I have two divorced relatives that ended up with men with poor executive functioning skills and it drove them insane. They had to do everything. The man hadn't been looking for a surogate mother, but that's what their wives ended up feeling like.

*edit* I'm sorry if I come over as harsh sometimes. Maybe I'm just listing the things that scare I'll me. I've had so many older women bitterly telling me just to avoid relationships and tell me all the things that went wrong with theirs. I always worry that a relationship might ruin my life and I'll have all these bitter hags pointing and saying: I told you so.



delaSHANE
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Oct 2013
Age: 58
Gender: Female
Posts: 708

05 Jan 2014, 6:57 pm

I think it is not such a good thing, to only quote certain 'parts' of another person's post. I think that, with all do respect, some people are taking hurtloam's comment(s) out of context, and that is not fair, in terms of having a productive conversation on the subject at hand, as well as lacking some respect for the person who is being 'partially' quoted. Blessings . .



Acedia
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 26 Feb 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 489

05 Jan 2014, 7:53 pm

hurtloam wrote:
If you want to see an example of over the top flirting watch one of Nigella Lawson's cookery shows.


Like this?

This is flirting? :o
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6DXz0MZP0E[/youtube]



aussiebloke
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 14 Oct 2009
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,407

05 Jan 2014, 9:05 pm

you find it creepy to ?


_________________
Theirs a subset of America, adult males who are forgoing ambition ,sex , money ,love ,adventure to sit in a darkened rooms mastering video games - Suicide Bob


Ferrus91
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 25 Apr 2013
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 311
Location: Kent, UK

05 Jan 2014, 9:56 pm

In fairness she was probably high on coke at the time.



KingofKaboom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Oct 2007
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,471

05 Jan 2014, 10:11 pm

Eureka13 wrote:
Does anyone else spend hours going over and over what someone said (or wrote) to you analyzing and trying to discern every little nuance of meaning? I've been known to do that with mates and potential mates if I am uncertain as to their meaning. So many times someone will say something. Initially I will take it at face value, then later they may say something that doesn't exactly match what they said before, and then begins the obsessive analysis. I hate that I do it, and it's exhausting.

As NatureLover said, it's also almost impossible to determine another person's motives - are they flirting? Are they just being nice? Do they like me? Do they just want sex?

With my late fiance, we flirted a lot, but since he was Aspie too, he never minded when I would "call" him on something he said and ask for an explanation of why he said that today, when last week he said something similar but not exactly the same. Having these conversations with him helped me to better understand the nuances of flirting. Unfortunately, he was unique so I don't know if understanding him will help me in other relationships.

And I hate the thought of having to go back to the guessing/overanalyzing thing. :?
I have the exact problem of over analyzing when I like someone. I also hate it since I got an answer the first time... Apparently it becomes me having a trust issue..............


_________________
Tacos (optional)