The reason why many are single

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Nambo
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25 Dec 2013, 2:10 pm

I would say its because we cannot speak in the language of Love, somebody might like us, but they are not going to come up to us and say, "look, I really fancy you, will you ask me out please", no, instead they send out various signs and signals that say the same in the form of body language, but as we cannot read them we do not hear their invitations.

Like wise, we cannot give out signals of our own, except off putting signals like staring.



TheDoctor82
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25 Dec 2013, 4:19 pm

Here's what I can tell you from my own experience, having been single now since October of last year:

I was in a relationship for nearly 5 years

Now, I'd like you to read the contents of what I posted in my 2013 Look Back on Facebook last night; I try to do a yearly retrospective about my life, and this time I got so backed up, I literally spent four hours last night finishing it up, and then an extra hour for editing.

Take a look-see; perhaps my in-depth analysis will make sense to you:

"Towards the end of last year, after my break-up, I commented that some gals were coming up to me at my job, and hitting on me right in front of their boyfriends; apparently an acquaintance of my ex saw my comment on here about it, and she remarked regarding the ended relationship “she was never any good for you, anyway”. This comment, however, had actually been perplexing me for months on end since I first heard it at that point (my entire inner circle, as well as my co-workers, can pretty much vouch for that). And I’m gonna flat-out explain why:

My response to that comment for quite some time after hearing it was “right now, who the hell honestly is?”

In fact, just for fun, I decided to sign up for a few dating websites I saw advertised online just to see what was available. So I registered, and really didn’t see much that piqued my interest; as such, I kinda just forgot about it for a while. Well sometime later, my email was getting hammered with notifications that ladies kept checking me out. The interesting thing was, at least in regards to the first site I registered for, there was no picture or description or anything about me at all on my profile. Gals were all hitting up a blank profile, and I came to realize that in their minds….that blank profile was probably a clean slate; i.e. they could “write” anything they wanted on it, assuring themselves that this guy with no profile was clearly the right one for them (and I can assure you, I got the most laughable pick-up lines I’ve ever heard in my life).

So….I decided to attempt a social experiment of sorts: I posted a profile picture, and a profile…and made sure to mention a few key elements in my profile (Autistic, working two jobs, running my own business, and of course being invited to the Freemasons at age 28 ). The experiment was to see if the ladies would be just as excited to hit on me and try lame pick-up lines once they actually knew what I was all about, as I was under strong impression they’d feel too intimidated, and like they couldn’t measure up.

As I’m sure you’ve already figured out, the pick-up lines/messages, and all that, mostly came to a close after that, with me laughing my ass off knowing that my experiment was a sure-fire success. What I didn’t anticipate however, was a variable in that success: despite all the pick-up lines and most of the messages ceasing, women were still looking.

“Ok, so they were looking; so what? They look at folks all the time”, you say. Well…..when I’d first checked out dating sites about 10 years ago, this never happened. In fact….to my knowledge it had never happened prior to my then-recently ended relationship, either. According to that first site, I’m steadily popular on there; that may seem like peanuts to most folks, but it’s a dramatic step up from where I used to be in terms of interest of the ladies…which was technically not popular at all.

My conclusion-- to an experiment that admittedly I’m regardless letting continue for quite some time for the hell of it—is that for the first time in my life, now that I’ve become ok with being single finally, and have grown into my own skin, is that I’m apparently now becoming desirable to the opposite sex.

Just because I’m becoming more desirable to the opposite sex, though, doesn’t mean my view on that comment has changed, since I first heard it. In fact, in early June, I went for a checkup with my Doctor; he’d had me on anxiety medication which was mostly just making me drowsy, so I was using it as a sleep aid for when I had to get up really early. He told me he believed that my anxiety levels had gone up a bit for some time due to so much changing in my life all at once, and I could indeed see where he was coming from; he then proceeded to give me some suggestions about “meeting someone” at events I’d normally attend such as conventions and the like, with my main objectives there naturally not being to pick up females (ya, when Ernie Hudson and Colin Baker are at conventions, my main concern is getting their autographs—and of course doing research on dealer booths, not picking up the women dressed like Catwoman or She-Ra). He also told me something that I’ve been told before by a few other folks in my life: gals my age might not be the best choice to go after, as they’d be too flaky and immature for me.

I told Jay what the Doctor had said to me, and he suggested I was putting too much pressure on myself at the time to even do “window shopping” (as I like to call it), as opposed to letting it happen naturally. I hadn’t even considered for a minute that I might be putting pressure on myself. However, I did come to realize an area of dating I found a bit confusing (yeah yeah, I know, only one?):

That old line “love comes when you’re not looking”, to which I realized there is a small problem with this line of thinking”: if I’m not even in the market, I’m not looking to pursue dating, so a female and I would only be good friends for the time being (and for right now, I’m totally good with that). So I technically have to be looking for the right one to come, even if not in “hot pursuit” of a relationship; as a co-worker of mine said “it comes when you’re just being you, and focused elsewhere…most likely on doing what you already enjoy doing”. To quote Bugs Bunny, “love it, love it, looooooooooooove it!”

Basically, what it comes down to is this: right now, no one is any good for me. Some will be better than others, but better isn’t necessarily gonna be a dramatic improvement or in the ballpark I’m looking for. I won’t lie when I say that my experience overall has actually been incredibly discouraging, as I don’t feel like I’ve even met anyone in the same group of ballparks that I’m looking for; but maybe for right now, that’s entirely to be expected (though if you haven’t guessed by now, patience and I don’t have a very good relationship).

Mrs. Right doesn’t exist yet because I’m not Mr. Right yet. She exists in the sense that she’s alive, and likely dating other people, but she’s not the person who’s meant to be with me yet, as I’m not the one who’s meant to be with her yet either.

“But Russell, you’re one of the most deserving people we know”, you say. This may be true, but “one of the most deserving” doesn’t mean the right one at this time.

My life has changed so much in the past few years alone, and there’s a strong likelihood it’ll be changing even further dramatically in the next few years (If the last time you knew me was about 5-10 years ago….you…don’t know me now, in a sense). My Dad even commented that my previous relationship started up just around the time I was already beginning to make some major growths and changes in my life, which might’ve been another factor that affected things.

People have often told me that the right one is meant to grow and change with me; I agree with this, however she needs at least somewhere to start out, and right now, due to such a massive transition, I cannot even give her that.

I confess that for some time after my relationship’s end, I in fact, up until only a short time ago, did indeed hold animosity towards my former Kalahari co-workers who were “absolutely positive” that they saw several positive signs between me and my now ex that I had never seen at the time, where in the process I couldn’t get over how I thought they swept a lot of stuff I did see at the time “under the rug”. I look back now on this, and realize they only did what they did because they wanted me to be happy, likely believing I really deserved some great companionship in my life, and seeing what an incredibly hard worker I was, as I even blew them away with my job performance within pretty much the first few weeks of having been hired; and they probably realized up until that time—probably in large part due to my testimony up to that point about being single and having considered myself then very unappealing to the opposite sex—that I had a lot of problems in regards to the dating world (See “Single Again”). And I now want to take this opportunity, if they’re reading this, to thank them for their efforts. Even though my relationship didn’t work out, I know they only had the best of intents; and it’s more for me than most people have ever done in this realm, and it did help me become the man I am today. So for that, they deserve more credit than they could possibly imagine, and so here I am announcing to the world that my former Kalahari co-workers deserve credit for all that they offered.

That said though, after the fallout with my ex, I realized I can’t even let a few things here and there slide anymore, because—as even a fellow former co-worker of mine agreed with me-- a “few things here and there” will turn out to be very big things that could hurt our entire relationship. Yeah, it’s come down to nitpicking, or as I like to refer to my method “Dr. House-ing it”.

My family has in the past criticized me for not “playing the field”, a concept which I’m not fond of, as I look at it like “pimpin’ your hoes”, and on top of that I see it as wasting a lot of time unnecessarily, with a lot of people getting hurt in the process. I’m not saying I definitely won’t do it (though I intend to avoid this criteria as much as humanly possible), but I would prefer not to go this route; I’ve come to the realization I can pretty much detect who a person is just by having a bit of a conversation with them, spending a little time with them, and looking for a few key patterns.

Another interesting turn of events after my relationship ended was that I came to realize…I had never really entirely thought through the idea of eventually getting married. That’s right folks….I, Russell Kay, the guy who overanalyzes everything to death never really thought the whole idea of getting married through.

I admitted to most folks around me that I’d been under the impression, for whatever reason, that if I weren’t married by age 35, something was wrong with me, with marriage being something ya just “do”.

First of all, that’s one helluva big financial and legal commitment for something ya just “do”. Second of all, if you want the laundry list of every single thing that’s wrong with me, believe me I’ll give it to ya. But being single ain’t one of those things.

When I explained this to a now former co-worker of mine, he even said to me “I’ve never known you to follow social convention”; the man speaks the truth. I also realized I’m probably gonna be one of those folks that will likely be getting married a bit later in life (think Penn Jillette, Weird Al, and Roger Ebert). I have a lot of other things I want to do, and as I’ve stated before, I’m not Mr. Right yet, and she isn’t Mrs. Right yet either. But when we are right for each other, what an incredible experience it will truly be.

If I need any further proof that I haven’t found anyone even in the ballpark that I’d look to as Mrs. Right yet, I recently had on my mind at work about a specific date I was hoping to be married, which now for obvious reasons will not be happening: October 17th, 2015; this day—and the honeymoon meant to follow—would directly coincide with some legendary events from one of the most classic ‘80s film trilogies of all time that everyone knows, Back to the Future (and yes, I know that Doc and Marty arrive in the future of Hill Valley on October 21st, 2015; I also know that—just as they stated in the movie—that day falls on a Wednesday; not exactly the day of the week anyone’s gonna take off for a wedding). I remember feeling so bad that it was taking me so long to save up for my now-ex’s ring, propose to her and all, and so I asked her if she’d be fine with this date, to which she asked me “wouldn’t any date be just as special, as it would be ours?”, to which I lied and said “yes”.

I realized, while I was at work, that if the only way a betrothal would be anywhere near special to me would be to coincide with an important event to me, it probably meant that I hadn’t found anyone special enough yet that just she and I being together and being united that day would outweigh any important pop culture events to me. For an event in pop culture to be so important to me as well, which directly involves a heavy legal and financial commitment, this also thoroughly indicates to me I’m probably not Mr. Right yet, either.

Also just briefly worth noting.....I’m still under the impression that I’m gonna be introduced to the right one thru friends of mine. I don’ know why….but, I just have that….feeling about it….

On a slightly more humorous note while on the topic, when I got out of seeing Monsters University with Jay, Danie, Tyler, and his girlfriend Nikki earlier this year, while we were getting something to eat, I made the observation that Jay and Danie look like each other, and Tyler and his girlfriend look kinda like each other, so in turn Mrs. Right will…probably look like me…(go ahead, laugh it up, ya know ya want to!! !! !! !! !)

Before I finish my commentary on dating and romance, I want to elaborate on one more particular tidbit:

One other suggestion I’ve been offered is that maybe I’m just not meant to be married. I’ve admittedly been suggested this by a couple people; and…yeah, it’s totally possible, I will rule nothing out. However, I’m not entirely sure I agree with the suggestion, based on the reason for it, as I know lots of people believe getting married is about finding someone who “completes” you; another of my co-workers told me he thinks this advice was suggested to me because of how mentally independent of a person I seem to be, as such several folks may believe I don’t “need” a spouse.Well…..of course I don’t *need* a spouse; I also don’t believe I need someone to “complete” me, and I’m more than aware I’m usually not co-dependent on other people. Those things, however, have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with two people who are already happy with their lives, who’s presence only adds value to the happiness of each others’ life; that is what I believe Mrs. Right would do for me, and I for her, when the time comes."



Last edited by TheDoctor82 on 25 Dec 2013, 6:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

yournamehere
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25 Dec 2013, 6:09 pm

conscientiousness



TheDoctor82
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25 Dec 2013, 6:18 pm

thank ya kindly :)



DarkRain
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25 Dec 2013, 6:39 pm

Actually, I'm single because I don't want to have to deal with another person's problems.



TheDoctor82
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25 Dec 2013, 6:40 pm

that's reasonable too :)



Merle
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25 Dec 2013, 8:25 pm

I'm particular and find my own company more to my liking than the company of others. Yes, I can fake it for a while, but it gets tiresome and the amount of "me time" I need is somewhat put-offish, plus traveling on a near weekly basis makes it tough to start dating someone.



TheDoctor82
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25 Dec 2013, 8:34 pm

I'm under the belief that the right one will complement it nicely; the right ones will just feel like you're putting extra effort into it.



em_tsuj
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26 Dec 2013, 2:21 am

leafplant wrote:
is because they are looking for a service provider, not someone to have a mutual exchange with.

Just thought I'd put that out there.


Please elaborate. What do you mean by the term "service provider"?

What do you mean by the term "mutual exchange"?

How does looking for service provider differ from looking for someone to have a mutual exchange with?



The_Face_of_Boo
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26 Dec 2013, 3:02 am

TheGoggles wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Or maybe because they have some condition that prevents them to normally develop interpersonal relationships? Like ......umm....Autism perhaps?


Another reason why many.... *gulp* males (I am gonna be accused as sexist by talking gender dynamics again) are single is because they have major flaws: no job, no car, no place (which is a big deal in the west), and lack of physical fitness (too fat or too skinny...etc). Note that the first three might be caused by Autism , Autism does harm functionality if it's severe.

Add to all this Autism, social ineptness, lack of hygiene....and here you go, 99% of women would find them unappealing.



TheDoctor82
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26 Dec 2013, 3:04 am

In fairness, low functioning non-Autistic people may often have the same problems (regarding jobs, cars, places, etc).



Venger
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26 Dec 2013, 3:12 am

TheDoctor82 wrote:
In fairness, low functioning non-Autistic people may often have the same problems (regarding jobs, cars, places, etc).


And I'll bet some of them are part of the "self-diagnosed" crowd on here too. :lol:



TheDoctor82
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26 Dec 2013, 3:22 am

Venger wrote:
TheDoctor82 wrote:
In fairness, low functioning non-Autistic people may often have the same problems (regarding jobs, cars, places, etc).


And I'll bet some of them are part of the "self-diagnosed" crowd on here too. :lol:


Well, if it helps to know any, I'm not a representative of that crowd. :wink:



TheDoctor82
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26 Dec 2013, 3:22 am

Venger wrote:
TheDoctor82 wrote:
In fairness, low functioning non-Autistic people may often have the same problems (regarding jobs, cars, places, etc).


And I'll bet some of them are part of the "self-diagnosed" crowd on here too. :lol:


Well, if it helps to know any, I'm not a representative of that crowd. :wink:



BlackImage
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26 Dec 2013, 6:17 am

I'm single cos i'm too upfront and honest :? well that what one aspie guy told me.
Also i have a strong personality and i'm stubborn