The reason why many are single

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leafplant
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27 Dec 2013, 9:25 am

Stalk wrote:
I'm just playing little prince trapped in a tower waiting for my princess to rescue me and do all the necessary gender roles equivalent BS.


OK, it's your life, but why did you imagine I'd be the one to rescue you? Do I look like I enjoy going around rescuing little princes? (if so, I must have a word with my PR department at wunce)



Stalk
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27 Dec 2013, 9:40 am

leafplant wrote:
Stalk wrote:
I'm just playing little prince trapped in a tower waiting for my princess to rescue me and do all the necessary gender roles equivalent BS.


OK, it's your life, but why did you imagine I'd be the one to rescue you? Do I look like I enjoy going around rescuing little princes? (if so, I must have a word with my PR department at wunce)

No, I'm only imitating you :P



leafplant
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27 Dec 2013, 9:43 am

Stalk wrote:
leafplant wrote:
Stalk wrote:
I'm just playing little prince trapped in a tower waiting for my princess to rescue me and do all the necessary gender roles equivalent BS.


OK, it's your life, but why did you imagine I'd be the one to rescue you? Do I look like I enjoy going around rescuing little princes? (if so, I must have a word with my PR department at wunce)

No, I'm only imitating you :P


well, you are doing a poor job of it when I wasn't able to recognise myself, don't you think? Anyway, I thought ad hominems were against forum rules?



cavernio
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27 Dec 2013, 10:16 am

I'm not against anything you've said leafplant, it all makes sense, but it makes you appear incredibly judgemental and comes off as you know individuals on this site better than they know themselves, like you're some authority figure on relationships. It's pretty unattractive.


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Stalk
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27 Dec 2013, 10:21 am

leafplant wrote:
Stalk wrote:
leafplant wrote:
Stalk wrote:
I'm just playing little prince trapped in a tower waiting for my princess to rescue me and do all the necessary gender roles equivalent BS.


OK, it's your life, but why did you imagine I'd be the one to rescue you? Do I look like I enjoy going around rescuing little princes? (if so, I must have a word with my PR department at wunce)

No, I'm only imitating you :P


well, you are doing a poor job of it when I wasn't able to recognise myself, don't you think? Anyway, I thought ad hominems were against forum rules?

that's because your mirror is broken :P



leafplant
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27 Dec 2013, 10:51 am

cavernio wrote:
I'm not against anything you've said leafplant, it all makes sense, but it makes you appear incredibly judgemental and comes off as you know individuals on this site better than they know themselves, like you're some authority figure on relationships. It's pretty unattractive.


My goal is not to be attractive but to bring the truth to the masses. I am ok with people not liking me.



hurtloam
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27 Dec 2013, 11:04 am

MadeUnderground wrote:
(Shrug) I think being single is a blessing. Hold onto it while you still can, folks.

I just got out of a hell of a relationship a little over a week ago and I'm still getting over the feeling of being trapped.

And feeling guilty for checking out some good looking ladies. 8)


I was talking to someone about this the other day and we came to the conclusion that being either single or in a relationship both have their advantages and it is best to look at the positives of your situation whatever that may be.

Although I think you bring an important point to the discussion here. To be in a relationship with the wrong person is worse than being alone. Although I would like a relationship, there is this thing in the back on my mind always telling me to be cautious and not jump into anything that could be a mistake... not that I have much opportunity to wander down the wrong path when no one is interested in me, but in theory I am cautious.



goldfish21
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27 Dec 2013, 4:58 pm

leafplant wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
em_tsuj wrote:
Perhaps we would have more success socially if we focused on becoming people who are pleasant to be around? Instead of hoping other people magically accept us as we are even though we offer nothing in return?


I think that this is one of the most significant points anyone has made in the L&D forum.


Yup


Co-signed.

And I can tell you from experience that continuously improving myself, my health, fitness, mindset etc has certainly made me a more pleasant person to be around and has resulted in greater social success. I get invited out more, actually enjoy going, get told I look happy, have much more fluid natural & intuitive interactions with others.. and the list goes on. Even though it requires hard work and discipline, it's infinitely easier to change ourselves than it is to change everyone and everything around us to try and have them accommodate our differences, quirks, and social blunders.


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FMX
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27 Dec 2013, 6:44 pm

The original post didn't seem all that insightful or constructive, but when you actually explain it...

leafplant wrote:
What I mean by mutual exchange is that you don't regard the other person as provider of any of the above mentioned (and unmentioned services), you just regard them in their own right and the relationship is a process of interacting with them with the needs meeting being coincidental, rather than the reason for wanting to be in a relationship with someone.


... it is! I totally think it should be a mutual exchange, too, but it's worth pointing out that the service provider "model" seems to be very common in many marriages. I think it actually works in some of them, too.

leafplant wrote:
Well, the mountain will not be coming to Mohammed any time soon, so here

http://www.succeedsocially.com/

Happy Christmas


Now, THIS is worthy of its own thread! I think it would be very helpful if you posted it in the Social Skills & Making Friends forum. I've just spent about 4 hours reading that site and it's gold! The kind of stuff he talks about is just what I need and I like the way he breaks things down and analyses them. It's quite down-to-earth and realistic: he explicitly states that the goal is not to go from "average" to "great", but from "below average" to "average". There's no BS or "fluff" - it's as specific as it can be without making too many assumptions about people's circumstances. Happy Christmas, indeed! Thank you, leafplant!


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leafplant
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27 Dec 2013, 6:47 pm

aww I am glad I could help!

but if you think it's worth posting in the other forum, please go ahead and do so, specially as you've found the site so helpful - I'm not interested in having the responsibility of such thread (people may expect me to participate!) so please go ahead if you want.



Dantac
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27 Dec 2013, 9:16 pm

leafplant wrote:
is because they are looking for a service provider, not someone to have a mutual exchange with.

Just thought I'd put that out there.


You will notice the great majority of 'single' (s) in this community are male.

Take a guess why.



DeathstrokeSJW
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27 Dec 2013, 9:37 pm

I think it's because many view a relationship as a race to the bedchamber without pausing to realize what it is: an extremely intimate emotional and physical bond that requires both participants to love and care for one another. Emotions in any relationship carries and should carry just as much weight as words and actions. As Dante once wrote


Love, which absolves no beloved one from loving,
seized me so strongly with his charm
that, as thou seest, it does not leave me yet.
Canto V, lines 103-105.


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yellowtamarin
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27 Dec 2013, 9:59 pm

^ Are you responding to the original post about why so many people are single, or to the post above about why the majority of singles in this community are male?



DeathstrokeSJW
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27 Dec 2013, 10:09 pm

Both, really.


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goldfish21
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27 Dec 2013, 10:33 pm

DeathstrokeSJW wrote:
I think it's because many view a relationship as a race to the bedchamber without pausing to realize what it is: an extremely intimate emotional and physical bond that requires both participants to love and care for one another. Emotions in any relationship carries and should carry just as much weight as words and actions. As Dante once wrote


Love, which absolves no beloved one from loving,
seized me so strongly with his charm
that, as thou seest, it does not leave me yet.
Canto V, lines 103-105.


I can agree with this.

I've yet to have a real relationship. I dated a girl once for a couple weeks back 14 year ago. Otherwise it's been hookups and fwb. Like I said earlier in the thread, in part it's because I haven't been someone who "should," be in a relationship and haven't wanted to burden someone else with my bs.. but also, in part, it's because I haven't found someone I'd date. well, there have been 2 or 3, but there's only really been one real crush that I'd still like to develop into a relationship because I truly do have feelings for this guy. The others haven't been relationships, just hookups. Almost none of them have been anyone I'd want to date and have a relationship with. when I do have a relationship, and I will, it's going to be with someone I'm truly emotionally compatible with. So, I get you.. because I have paused to think about the fact that I want a relationship to be so much more than just sex, and I know full well that if it's just sex I want I can get it without having to have a relationship. But in the long run I'd truly rather have a relationship.. and bit by bit I'm hoping that one may eventually grow between myself and my crush. <3 :)


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