The reason why many are single

Page 6 of 9 [ 131 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9  Next

Venger
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,519

29 Dec 2013, 2:40 am

goldfish21 wrote:
Shebakoby wrote:
jerry00 wrote:
Acedia wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Or maybe because they have some condition that prevents them to normally develop interpersonal relationships? Like ......umm....Autism perhaps?


The problem seems to affect, although to a lesser extent, those that have developed typically as well.


Having an ASD makes it even harder. But there's probably more acceptance of people with autism now, but modern society is becoming increasingly unfriendly. More atomized. So in some ways it's worse now


I would agree with this. Is there any proof of it though? My theory is that natural human relationships are being taken over by economic ones.

And people are becoming more selfish and ego driven as mike said. But I think that's the natural consequence of a society increasingly dependent on capitalism.


well, I think the more simplistic version of that is:

Many autistic people can't work or can't keep a job for long, and people consider those who can't work or can't hold down a job to be "losers", regardless of the reason. They're not even likely to be sympathetic to disability reasons of unemployment (including autism).


well, duh. And why should they? (accept any/all of that.)


Because the person in question still has some income for things like paying rent, etc. I suspect when NTs hear someone say "I don't have a job" they subconsciously assume the person has no income to speak of even if they get SSI benefits or something.



hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,054
Location: None

29 Dec 2013, 4:41 am

Uprising wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
leafplant wrote:
is because they are looking for a service provider, not someone to have a mutual exchange with.

Just thought I'd put that out there.


I don't know if this is true. Might be for some people but I don't reckon most.

What is the real reason then for most?


Their standards are too high
They have no people skills

I think those two reasons sum it up for the majority of people who are always single, who don't want to be.



em_tsuj
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Mar 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,786

29 Dec 2013, 4:51 am

hurtloam wrote:
I'm begining to feel like some of these "male" problems apply to me. I feel like my problem is that I'm not approaching men and talking to them so that they can get to know what I'm really like.

No men approach me, so I guess that I've got to learn to do the approaching, but I have little to no self confidence and it doesn't matter how much I blow dry my hair into a fancy hairdo or add mascara to my eyes to make them look bigger or wear a dress that emphasises my figure it seems that I just get stared at and no one talks to me. I've realised I have to change and start approaching men myself. But it feels like I'm not supposed to do it! It's so difficult to go against the grain.


Do you flirt? Maybe the guys assume you are unavailable.



stabilator
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 23 Sep 2013
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 337
Location: USA

29 Dec 2013, 5:16 am

My reasons for being single:

1- Autistic and socially awkward, nearly no one likes me as a person, and who would want a relationship with an a**-hol* like me.
2- Hypersensitive: can't stand hugs, kisses, hand holding, just about anything else...
3- Aromantic.
4- Gender defiant. Most people demand gender stereotypes.
5- Nerdy, obsessed with projects, doing my own things.
6- Can't stand nagging and prying.
7- Not interested in being a follower/servant.
8- Requires stimming time and wind down breaks.
9- Not interested in trying to pretend to be NT.
10- Don't want children or STDs or drama.
11- Employment difficulties, mainly because of #1, also #4.
12- There is more on the list but these are more than enough already.



goldfish21
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,576
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada

29 Dec 2013, 5:43 am

Venger wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
Shebakoby wrote:
jerry00 wrote:
Acedia wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Or maybe because they have some condition that prevents them to normally develop interpersonal relationships? Like ......umm....Autism perhaps?


The problem seems to affect, although to a lesser extent, those that have developed typically as well.


Having an ASD makes it even harder. But there's probably more acceptance of people with autism now, but modern society is becoming increasingly unfriendly. More atomized. So in some ways it's worse now


I would agree with this. Is there any proof of it though? My theory is that natural human relationships are being taken over by economic ones.

And people are becoming more selfish and ego driven as mike said. But I think that's the natural consequence of a society increasingly dependent on capitalism.


well, I think the more simplistic version of that is:

Many autistic people can't work or can't keep a job for long, and people consider those who can't work or can't hold down a job to be "losers", regardless of the reason. They're not even likely to be sympathetic to disability reasons of unemployment (including autism).


well, duh. And why should they? (accept any/all of that.)


Because the person in question still has some income for things like paying rent, etc. I suspect when NTs hear someone say "I don't have a job" they subconsciously assume the person has no income to speak of even if they get SSI benefits or something.


If we're going to equate income level to attractiveness.. receiving a very small sum of government assistance income in order to survive month to month isn't exactly the kind of money that others seeking a provider are going to find attractive. Sure, it's better than nothing all - of course - but it's not exactly the kind of income where someone else can look over and think, "if I were with that person, we could live a good life together on their income." Even though people don't think in those exact words, they do think in those terms. SSI benefits or something is not exactly "the good life," money.. not by the furthest stretch of the imagination.


_________________
No :heart: for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.


Cafeaulait
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2012
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,512
Location: Europe

29 Dec 2013, 6:01 am

I am single because:
- I am a bit chubby/curvy
- Maybe my personal hygiene, but I've been working on that
-I am too insecure
-People tend to not know what to think of me
-I have a rare/different personality, from what I've heard



Venger
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,519

29 Dec 2013, 7:35 am

goldfish21 wrote:

If we're going to equate income level to attractiveness.. receiving a very small sum of government assistance income in order to survive month to month isn't exactly the kind of money that others seeking a provider are going to find attractive. Sure, it's better than nothing all - of course - but it's not exactly the kind of income where someone else can look over and think, "if I were with that person, we could live a good life together on their income." Even though people don't think in those exact words, they do think in those terms. SSI benefits or something is not exactly "the good life," money.. not by the furthest stretch of the imagination.


lol, I just meant that SSI is roughly the equivalent of a part-time low paying job. However, NTs probably act like SSI is the same as no job at all though, and then they conjure up a stereotypical-image of a guy living in his parents basement that doesn't drive or pay any rent. :?



hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,221
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

29 Dec 2013, 8:12 am

em_tsuj wrote:
Do you flirt? Maybe the guys assume you are unavailable.


I have no idea. I feel like it's really obvious when I am attracted to someone though because I start talking gibberish and I blush easily. The blushing is one of the reasons I don't put myself in difficult social situations because it seems like there is nothing I can do about it.



goldfish21
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,576
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada

29 Dec 2013, 4:33 pm

Venger wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:

If we're going to equate income level to attractiveness.. receiving a very small sum of government assistance income in order to survive month to month isn't exactly the kind of money that others seeking a provider are going to find attractive. Sure, it's better than nothing all - of course - but it's not exactly the kind of income where someone else can look over and think, "if I were with that person, we could live a good life together on their income." Even though people don't think in those exact words, they do think in those terms. SSI benefits or something is not exactly "the good life," money.. not by the furthest stretch of the imagination.


lol, I just meant that SSI is roughly the equivalent of a part-time low paying job. However, NTs probably act like SSI is the same as no job at all though, and then they conjure up a stereotypical-image of a guy living in his parents basement that doesn't drive or pay any rent. :?


Ding ding ding. Exactly.

I've never received any sort of welfare because I refused to even when I did qualify for it. I had extended periods of time with no income. I've been "that guy," before so I fully get it. And while I was "that guy," I didn't feel I should even attempt to enter into a relationship until I was able to sort my s**t out. I didn't want to be burdensome, to bring someone else down. I'd rather be someone with something to offer to enhance the life of another in a relationship, someone who can give as much or more as I take. I knew I wasn't that guy, so I remained single by choice.

I'm currently worlds away from being that guy, functioning higher than I ever have in my entire life, am working full time+ hours & earning a decent income. I'm well on my way mentally, physically, financially, socially etc to being someone with plenty to offer someone else in a relationship and am continuing to focus on my own self improvement while "keeping one eye on the prize," of the person I've had a crush on for a few years now & hoping that maaaaybe, just maybe, with a lot of hard work and a little luck.. we might just become ever closer friends until we do end up together. 8)


_________________
No :heart: for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.


Schneekugel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jul 2012
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,612

30 Dec 2013, 7:10 am

em_tsuj wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I'm begining to feel like some of these "male" problems apply to me. I feel like my problem is that I'm not approaching men and talking to them so that they can get to know what I'm really like.

No men approach me, so I guess that I've got to learn to do the approaching, but I have little to no self confidence and it doesn't matter how much I blow dry my hair into a fancy hairdo or add mascara to my eyes to make them look bigger or wear a dress that emphasises my figure it seems that I just get stared at and no one talks to me. I've realised I have to change and start approaching men myself. But it feels like I'm not supposed to do it! It's so difficult to go against the grain.


Do you flirt? Maybe the guys assume you are unavailable.


The thing is: Flirting according to typical NT rules, is something that should be done by woman, very decent. In opposite to most of the blaming here in the forum, according to social rules its actually the woman that should start engaging, by giving males she is interested in nonverbal clues, about her being ok with them engaging with her. So according to normal NT rules its the man, thats doing the step of finally doing by physical approaching, but only after receiving non-direct signals with the woman being ok with that. O_o

If you are not able to send this signals instinctively, as you assumed yourself, that lets guy instinctively assume on the opposite, that you are unavailable, because otherwise you "normally" would give them instinctively the nonverbal clues to be available and interested in them approaching to flirt with you. -.-

Doing the first step of flirting in a more direct form, so by not doing the step of sending the nonverbal clue to the man to tell him to do engage on his side further, but simply approaching directly to him yourself, instead is still seen by many men as rude behavior. So you are taking away "the active part what is supposed to be his job" and are giving them "the passive part" that is supposed to be the womans part. Some guys simply cant deal with that.

So on one side, because of your lacks, you are enabled to send the clues you are supposed to send. On the other side, trying to use the solution of communicating your interest more directly by simply approaching to a certain men, scares or annoys of 2/3 of them and makes them loose interest in you. -.-

My personal solution was to simply accept that, and still engage on my own on men, and to dont give a f**k about it if something thinks that "not to be appropriate". At least the men not automatically rejecting you, because of you not acting "as you should as a normal girl" will as well have a higher chance on accepting other treats of you as well not that stubborn. If someone is so focused on social rules and normality, that he gets already annoyed by a girl "daring to approach him directly" then there will be anyway no real chances on a working relationship with an Asperger.



Pabbicus
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 16 Nov 2013
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 92

31 Dec 2013, 3:54 am

I don't think I can handle a relationship so I avoid it. That said, even when I try to engage with women I wind up getting nowhere so there's more to it.



bearsandsyrup
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 13 Aug 2013
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 193

31 Dec 2013, 4:14 am

hurtloam wrote:
em_tsuj wrote:
Do you flirt? Maybe the guys assume you are unavailable.


I have no idea. I feel like it's really obvious when I am attracted to someone though because I start talking gibberish and I blush easily. The blushing is one of the reasons I don't put myself in difficult social situations because it seems like there is nothing I can do about it.


The keys to getting guys to approach you in busy social situations like parties, bars, etc. (that I have found work):

1) Look around every few minutes with a slight smile on your face and (if possible) a playful look in your eyes. Think to yourself, "I am interesting, I am clever, I am fun." That always gave me a more playful look, rather than just a friendly, somewhat bored one.

2) Be doing something, but nothing too absorbing-- good examples: having a drink, watching a TV in the area, glancing through a menu, looking out a window, etc. bad examples: reading a book, being on your phone, etc. Note: be sure to still follow number 1 while you do these things-- that's why it can't be too absorbing, you still want to look open to conversation.

3) Smile when you talk to people. Keep it to a small-to-medium smile unless they've said something funny or something-- you don't want to seem manic.

4) If you see someone specific that you are interested in and you want them to approach you, glance around the room, let your gaze pause on them, make eye contact (if they look at you within a few seconds), then smile, glance down or away for a moment, then look back, still smiling. Hold the gaze for a moment or two, then slowly turn away, back to what you were doing to semi-occupy yourself. Maintain a body posture slightly turned towards the guy-- this shows that you are open to his approach and in fact waiting for it.

Those are my techniques that I used to get men to approach me. It took me years to develop the details and plan them out-- I practiced in mirrors and stuff as dumb as that sounds. I just don't have those skills naturally, but I wanted to date and meet men, so I made myself study and learn how to do it. I watched my NT friends, I used trial and error, and I adapted my methods until they were effective. I'd honestly say that those methods had about a 90% success rate. They openly and universally convey interest and they make you seem friendly, fun, and positive. It may come across as rigid or overly methodical, but it's what worked for me. And now I'm married, so what the hell, I must have done something right lol.



Pabbicus
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 16 Nov 2013
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 92

31 Dec 2013, 4:28 am

bearsandsyrup wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
em_tsuj wrote:
Do you flirt? Maybe the guys assume you are unavailable.


I have no idea. I feel like it's really obvious when I am attracted to someone though because I start talking gibberish and I blush easily. The blushing is one of the reasons I don't put myself in difficult social situations because it seems like there is nothing I can do about it.


The keys to getting guys to approach you in busy social situations like parties, bars, etc. (that I have found work):

1) Look around every few minutes with a slight smile on your face and (if possible) a playful look in your eyes. Think to yourself, "I am interesting, I am clever, I am fun." That always gave me a more playful look, rather than just a friendly, somewhat bored one.

2) Be doing something, but nothing too absorbing-- good examples: having a drink, watching a TV in the area, glancing through a menu, looking out a window, etc. bad examples: reading a book, being on your phone, etc. Note: be sure to still follow number 1 while you do these things-- that's why it can't be too absorbing, you still want to look open to conversation.

3) Smile when you talk to people. Keep it to a small-to-medium smile unless they've said something funny or something-- you don't want to seem manic.

4) If you see someone specific that you are interested in and you want them to approach you, glance around the room, let your gaze pause on them, make eye contact (if they look at you within a few seconds), then smile, glance down or away for a moment, then look back, still smiling. Hold the gaze for a moment or two, then slowly turn away, back to what you were doing to semi-occupy yourself. Maintain a body posture slightly turned towards the guy-- this shows that you are open to his approach and in fact waiting for it.

Those are my techniques that I used to get men to approach me. It took me years to develop the details and plan them out-- I practiced in mirrors and stuff as dumb as that sounds. I just don't have those skills naturally, but I wanted to date and meet men, so I made myself study and learn how to do it. I watched my NT friends, I used trial and error, and I adapted my methods until they were effective. I'd honestly say that those methods had about a 90% success rate. They openly and universally convey interest and they make you seem friendly, fun, and positive. It may come across as rigid or overly methodical, but it's what worked for me. And now I'm married, so what the hell, I must have done something right lol.


The other side of that is what the hell men are supposed to do when they approach to avoid having the women act completely dismissive toward them. Whether or not they mean to most women I talk to leave me completely lost as far as whether or not they're interested in me.



delaSHANE
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Oct 2013
Age: 58
Gender: Female
Posts: 708

31 Dec 2013, 5:49 am

I'm definitely wanting the "mutual exchange", as opposed to "services". . .

I understand the point of your post, but if you were to format the title as a question, I would say, that, the reason why many are single, potentially stems from fear. Perhaps, this isn't correct with regard to all single people, but for many, it absolutely is.

For some, it is fear of "not being good enough", for whatever reason(s). Some have fear of saying the wrong things, coming off as foolish, being rejected, not being liked, etc, etc. Most, I believe, are afraid to approach a person and simply state, something to the affect of, "I find you interesting (or attractive, or what have you), and I am wondering if you would be interested in getting together, sometime." Most people are single, due to the fact that they do not find the courage to simply ask a person if they would have an interest in hanging out, and enjoying some fun, together.

I would do it, right now, with someone on this very thread, if they were not so many countries, away from where I am. I am ready to reach out. I have the courage and the desire. I want to meet people, make new connections, and perhaps, even find someone to share my life with, if that is what the future and the universe has in store, for me. I'm ready for all of it, and fear is no longer holding me back. . .



leafplant
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Oct 2013
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,222

31 Dec 2013, 8:42 am

delaSHANE wrote:

I would do it, right now, with someone on this very thread, if they were not so many countries, away from where I am. I am ready to reach out. I have the courage and the desire. I want to meet people, make new connections, and perhaps, even find someone to share my life with, if that is what the future and the universe has in store, for me. I'm ready for all of it, and fear is no longer holding me back. . .


Go for it!! Good luck! (can I claim to be the match maker?)

:heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: