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OfficiallyWeirdo
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18 Dec 2013, 12:55 am

I'm a 21-year old formally diagnosed aspie woman.

Well, guys, I might get somewhat tough here when describing how I (and perhaps other aspie women too) think and act when it comes to relationships. There'll be some unpleasant truths you'll have to realize if you haven't already - but don't worry, at some point aspie women have to realize some tough stuff about men (aspie and NT) too!

Sometimes, it seems like men think dating a woman works more or less like a porn movie. It doesn't!

In a porn movie:

1. Man meets woman.
2. Man makes eye contact.
3. They have hardcore sex on the kitchen floor.

In reality, it is a lot more complex. So far, I haven't been in a relationship, and I haven't had sex - that's because I, for the sake of everyone, am careful to choose the right guy; so far I simply haven't found him.

But who is the right guy? Well... That's complicated. There is NO formula for who is Mr. Right, at least not in my mind. However, it only depends little on his looks, and the size of his penis doesn't matter at all. I'm a woman, not a female chimp, and it does take a lot more than a big penis to impress me.

Commercials and films make it seem like women want a certain "type"; the big macho John Wayne, the mysterious Edward Cullen or perhaps a cool businessman? No, sorry to say, but it doesn't work like that. Girls and women might be fans of Twilight, they might make romantic fanfics with Edward Cullen, kiss their pillow while imagining it was Edward Cullen, talk all the time about how sexy and beautiful Edward Cullen is - yet Edward Cullen isn't their dream guy. He's a fantasy. It's like: Would you want to be married to a pornstar? I mean, really? No? Well, women feel the same way!

But who DOES an aspie woman want? A sexy guy? A romantic guy? A manly guy? Erm... Personally, I just want a nice, normal guy. The guy I would dream of being in a relationship with (instead of just find sexy) would be friendly, nice, respectful, mature, responsible, aaand... Natural. Yes, it's true! The most important thing is that he doesn't play a role to make me happy. He simply has to be himself, and when I know who he really is, I'll decide whether I like him. If he plays a role, I'll quit immediately - that shows he's desperate, and if he's desperate, it might be because a lot of women rejected his advances in the past. If other women think he's a jerk, there might be some truth to it - YES, guys, that's how tough us dear little princesses really are! And how can I trust someone who doesn't show their true Self? Personally, I won't go into a relationship with a guy just because he's lonely; if other women couldn't stand him, what are the chances I can? And, another important point: I want to start a relationship with a guy I like and who likes me; it's way too fragile to built a relationship on pity. Sorry, but I have to protect myself, guys; that's the way it is!

So, Mr. Right is... Different for all women. Women prefer different things, and there's no how-to guide that covers all women; I haven't ever seen a single dating guide that covered even one woman. However, unless she doesn't really love you, she doesn't want a "type" - she wants a person, a whole and complete person with strengths and weaknesses. That's where the "how to make women love you"-guides go wrong; no, unless she doesn't actually love you, she doesn't care about the size of your penis, how smooth-talking you are or anything. Okay, some women might care about whether or not he likes Nike shoes, but for me, that's not what love is about.

Hey, wait... Love?! You mean the kind of thing that does not happen in bed?! Yes, guys, that's right! I want love. No, I don't want a lot of romance, I don't want a lot of attention, I don't want a lot of sex - I want a guy whom I can wake up with in the morning, whom I can talk with (but not necessarily all the time), who can say both yes and no, who can be both happy and angry, who can have good days and bad days... All in all, I want a human being, not some super-hyped commercial guy. Honestly, I am only little aware of exactly how he should act to get my heart, but I think that matters less - the MOST important thing is that I can trust him to be honest and reliable, and that I love him and he loves me; all the rest (aspie or not aspie, bright or dumb, rich or poor) are details.

And why is it this way? You see, in the Stone Age, if a man and a woman had sex, and things didn't work out, this would happen:

A: The man had empty testicles.
B: The woman had a baby.

It's all about what you risk: It is WAY more dangerous for your genes' survival to be alone in the woods with a newborn than to empty your testicles. Imagine the Stone Age situation: A woman is alone in the woods, she has just delivered, she's physically weak and frail, there's a helpless baby and everything stinks miles away of fresh meat and blood. Now, imagine you're a hungry saber-toothed tiger. What would you do next? ... If you answered "EAT", you're correct! A lone woman with a baby is a sitting target for predators. Therefore, she needs a man to protect her from harm.

In today's society, things are much more complicated than during the apeman stage, but it is still basically the same: A woman wants a man so she can procreate and not get eaten by something with big, nasty teeth. It is programmed into our genes. Now, genes and environment interact in extremely complex ways, so this little explanation covers only a small part of human love, and there are loads of exceptions - homosexuals, asexuals, bisexuals, people who don't want children etc.. These people are just as normal and natural as everyone else is; as aspies we should know that a RARE trait is not necessarily a WRONG trait.

So, basically, what should you do?

The woman doesn't prepare herself for just sex with you (at least if that woman is me); she prepares for a potential long-term relationship or, at the most extreme, even marriage. Therefore: She knows she'll have to endure you, with everything whom you are, for a potential very long time. The best advice I can give you is:

1. Be honest (or at least be honest about your dishonesty).
2. Be yourself (or at least don't play a role).
3. Be reliable (or at least work on it).
4. BE PREPARED FOR MARRIAGE, LAUNDRY, KIDS, DUTIES AND MORE LAUNDRY!

Oh, and btw., sometimes she doesn't want sex. Or romance. Or attention. She just wants to be left alone.

I hope that was helpful! :D



cubedemon6073
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18 Dec 2013, 1:17 am

OfficiallyWeirdo wrote:
I'm a 21-year old formally diagnosed aspie woman.

Well, guys, I might get somewhat tough here when describing how I (and perhaps other aspie women too) think and act when it comes to relationships. There'll be some unpleasant truths you'll have to realize if you haven't already - but don't worry, at some point aspie women have to realize some tough stuff about men (aspie and NT) too!

Sometimes, it seems like men think dating a woman works more or less like a porn movie. It doesn't!

In a porn movie:

1. Man meets woman.
2. Man makes eye contact.
3. They have hardcore sex on the kitchen floor.

In reality, it is a lot more complex. So far, I haven't been in a relationship, and I haven't had sex - that's because I, for the sake of everyone, am careful to choose the right guy; so far I simply haven't found him.

But who is the right guy? Well... That's complicated. There is NO formula for who is Mr. Right, at least not in my mind. However, it only depends little on his looks, and the size of his penis doesn't matter at all. I'm a woman, not a female chimp, and it does take a lot more than a big penis to impress me.

Commercials and films make it seem like women want a certain "type"; the big macho John Wayne, the mysterious Edward Cullen or perhaps a cool businessman? No, sorry to say, but it doesn't work like that. Girls and women might be fans of Twilight, they might make romantic fanfics with Edward Cullen, kiss their pillow while imagining it was Edward Cullen, talk all the time about how sexy and beautiful Edward Cullen is - yet Edward Cullen isn't their dream guy. He's a fantasy. It's like: Would you want to be married to a pornstar? I mean, really? No? Well, women feel the same way!

But who DOES an aspie woman want? A sexy guy? A romantic guy? A manly guy? Erm... Personally, I just want a nice, normal guy. The guy I would dream of being in a relationship with (instead of just find sexy) would be friendly, nice, respectful, mature, responsible, aaand... Natural. Yes, it's true! The most important thing is that he doesn't play a role to make me happy. He simply has to be himself, and when I know who he really is, I'll decide whether I like him. If he plays a role, I'll quit immediately - that shows he's desperate, and if he's desperate, it might be because a lot of women rejected his advances in the past. If other women think he's a jerk, there might be some truth to it - YES, guys, that's how tough us dear little princesses really are! And how can I trust someone who doesn't show their true Self? Personally, I won't go into a relationship with a guy just because he's lonely; if other women couldn't stand him, what are the chances I can? And, another important point: I want to start a relationship with a guy I like and who likes me; it's way too fragile to built a relationship on pity. Sorry, but I have to protect myself, guys; that's the way it is!

So, Mr. Right is... Different for all women. Women prefer different things, and there's no how-to guide that covers all women; I haven't ever seen a single dating guide that covered even one woman. However, unless she doesn't really love you, she doesn't want a "type" - she wants a person, a whole and complete person with strengths and weaknesses. That's where the "how to make women love you"-guides go wrong; no, unless she doesn't actually love you, she doesn't care about the size of your penis, how smooth-talking you are or anything. Okay, some women might care about whether or not he likes Nike shoes, but for me, that's not what love is about.

Hey, wait... Love?! You mean the kind of thing that does not happen in bed?! Yes, guys, that's right! I want love. No, I don't want a lot of romance, I don't want a lot of attention, I don't want a lot of sex - I want a guy whom I can wake up with in the morning, whom I can talk with (but not necessarily all the time), who can say both yes and no, who can be both happy and angry, who can have good days and bad days... All in all, I want a human being, not some super-hyped commercial guy. Honestly, I am only little aware of exactly how he should act to get my heart, but I think that matters less - the MOST important thing is that I can trust him to be honest and reliable, and that I love him and he loves me; all the rest (aspie or not aspie, bright or dumb, rich or poor) are details.

And why is it this way? You see, in the Stone Age, if a man and a woman had sex, and things didn't work out, this would happen:

A: The man had empty testicles.
B: The woman had a baby.

It's all about what you risk: It is WAY more dangerous for your genes' survival to be alone in the woods with a newborn than to empty your testicles. Imagine the Stone Age situation: A woman is alone in the woods, she has just delivered, she's physically weak and frail, there's a helpless baby and everything stinks miles away of fresh meat and blood. Now, imagine you're a hungry saber-toothed tiger. What would you do next? ... If you answered "EAT", you're correct! A lone woman with a baby is a sitting target for predators. Therefore, she needs a man to protect her from harm.

In today's society, things are much more complicated than during the apeman stage, but it is still basically the same: A woman wants a man so she can procreate and not get eaten by something with big, nasty teeth. It is programmed into our genes. Now, genes and environment interact in extremely complex ways, so this little explanation covers only a small part of human love, and there are loads of exceptions - homosexuals, asexuals, bisexuals, people who don't want children etc.. These people are just as normal and natural as everyone else is; as aspies we should know that a RARE trait is not necessarily a WRONG trait.

So, basically, what should you do?

The woman doesn't prepare herself for just sex with you (at least if that woman is me); she prepares for a potential long-term relationship or, at the most extreme, even marriage. Therefore: She knows she'll have to endure you, with everything whom you are, for a potential very long time. The best advice I can give you is:

1. Be honest (or at least be honest about your dishonesty).
2. Be yourself (or at least don't play a role).
3. Be reliable (or at least work on it).
4. BE PREPARED FOR MARRIAGE, LAUNDRY, KIDS, DUTIES AND MORE LAUNDRY!

Oh, and btw., sometimes she doesn't want sex. Or romance. Or attention. She just wants to be left alone.

I hope that was helpful! :D


Do you know what. As an aspie man I actually agree with you. I see so many people from both genders getting hurt because of dishonesty and trying to play a role. I come from experience on this and my pastor preached this as well and he is NT. He was a messy guy who sometimes just flopped his clothes in various places. He let his potential wife see how he truthfully lived. He wanted her to decide for herself based on the real him. Honestly, I advise the same thing to younger aspies.

My opinion is before one even thinks about dating or marriage he or she needs to develop their social skills first and be able to make it first whether it is running a business, obtaining a job or some other means (moral and legal of course). Like Steven Covey says one needs to put first things first. I agree with you all the way and I hope you find a man who makes you happy and I hope you make him happy as well.



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18 Dec 2013, 3:28 am

Beautifully stated...!
D i t t o...!
Best wishes and much success to you- Stay determined and true to who you 'are'!



The_Face_of_Boo
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18 Dec 2013, 3:49 am

After reading this lecture, I no longer want to date aspie women.



TimothyNoDash
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18 Dec 2013, 6:40 am

Hi!
I think OfficiallyWeirdo is right. It is the same thing my mom always said when I was 18 (usually out of nowhere). She said: Timothy, stop whining, about not being macho enough to get a girlfriend, what girls/ women want is someone to bring home the beacon and who is stable enough to raise a family with, and then she would go on and on about how it was better in the middle-ages.

Now 10 years later and reflecting back on my relationships I can know it was good advice. Not that I listened. All my relationships ended because I was to scared to commit myself and blurt out ideas about what I am going to do in the future, which usually do not include my loved one. But with all those lessons learned, my current relationship is somewhat stable.

And yes hardcore sex on the kitchen floor, is part of the package. But don't ask about the pre-lude to that porn movie (twice as long as the movie itself usually). :wink:



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18 Dec 2013, 6:56 am

I don't mind a bit of porn.


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18 Dec 2013, 12:16 pm

OfficiallyWeirdo wrote:

Sometimes, it seems like men think dating a woman works more or less like a porn movie. It doesn't!

In a porn movie:

1. Man meets woman.
2. Man makes eye contact.
3. They have hardcore sex on the kitchen floor.


Of course it doesn't work like that. Eye contact is way too much to ask. :wink:



MadeUnderground
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18 Dec 2013, 1:03 pm

babybird wrote:
I don't mind a bit of porn.



Dat kitchen floor tho! :wink:



OliveOilMom
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18 Dec 2013, 3:52 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
After reading this lecture, I no longer want to date aspie women.


We aren't all like that.


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18 Dec 2013, 4:59 pm

It's not much of a "guide", but it is mostly good, common sense - nothing wrong with a bit of that in the L&D forum. ;) The part about not dating someone because other women wouldn't is sad, but probably very true - which is unfortunate for some of us aspie males. I do have a question about this, though:

OfficiallyWeirdo wrote:
1. Be honest (or at least be honest about your dishonesty).


How does "being honest about your dishonesty" work here? Could you give an example of what you mean?


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19 Dec 2013, 8:30 pm

Milady, allow me to take a tone.

This caveman evo-psyche BS is just that, BS. Women don't want responsible men because they're "wired" to, but because they're taught to. Humans are less complicated genetically than CORN. Yes, corn has more genes than we do, by a fairly wide margin. The human genome is basically a blueprint for a brain-support stalk that can run upright for hours on end; almost all of our behavior not present at birth is learned.

Early man usually hung out in small multifamily groups where all of the males and females of reproductive age had sex with each other frequently and only formed pair bonds of very short duration. (In fact, the male genitalia of human beings is specifically evolved to give males a reproductive advantage in group sex scenarios by "scooping out" the sperm of that day's previous partners.) The offspring were cared for communally and nobody really cared about paternity until agriculture forced human social groups to deal with things like inheritance and property. In fact, there's a popular (if somewhat unproven) speculation that Aspie neurology may be genetic leftovers from when early man operated in very small groups and social skills were not as important as things like pattern recognition and cause-effect thinking.



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19 Dec 2013, 9:08 pm

At first I thought it was really obnoxious that you were telling us how to have relationships when you have never been in one yourself, or even tried to be in one from the sound of it, but I thought most of what you said afterwards was reasonable.

I think the advice everybody gives to just act like yourself is kind of BS though. If acting like yourself worked for everyone, why would anyone try doing anything else? I acted like myself the first few times I tried to speak to women I liked, and it failed miserably. My unfortunate personal experience is that the majority of women respond better to an act than they do to honesty. If people treated me with respect and kindness in response to me acting like myself, then I wouldn't be a bitter reclusive as*hole.

And I don't know how many aspie guys think that relationships work like porn. I don't think that is their problem. I see a lot more posts on in the love and dating section about guys complaining about not being loved than posts about not getting to have sex with random girls. I have personally always thought that porn was boring, and I always wanted sex in a relationship.



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19 Dec 2013, 9:29 pm

OfficiallyWeirdo wrote:
1. Be honest (or at least be honest about your dishonesty).
2. Be yourself (or at least don't play a role).
3. Be reliable (or at least work on it).
4. BE PREPARED FOR MARRIAGE, LAUNDRY, KIDS, DUTIES AND MORE LAUNDRY!



Well I am 24 and:

First two I agree with, within reason...I mean I think most people might vary their behavior a little bit depending on a situation. For instance I am probably going to talk to my grandma a lot different than I talk to my brother and his friends if I am hanging out with them.

3 I am not so sure about, I mean if you are talking reliable in the sense they meet up with you when they say they will and don't stand you up all the time than sure...but if you mean they have their life together and are stable financially I am not very picky in that department I would not mind dating someone in a simular financial situation to mine.

As for 4, certainly not....I don't want kids and I wouldn't expect a hypothetical boyfriend to do all the laundry.


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15 Jan 2014, 8:51 am

I just want a sweet, nice guy as well.
BUT not a wimp. Someone that is witty and sociable as well.

Unfortunately these guys are so hard to find. It just makes me wanna cry.



The_Face_of_Boo
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15 Jan 2014, 9:18 am

The first difficulty in dating an aspie woman is to find her at first, then we hope she doesn't turn out to be completely crazy.



NTGuyBR
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16 Jan 2014, 11:46 am

My recent experience:

1. Be honest (or at least be honest about your dishonesty).
I've always been honest, and she knew it

2. Be yourself (or at least don't play a role).
Main cause of the end.
She hated my "machine way." I ask things for her. I wondered if she was enjoying something or wanted something.
In short, Though always be honest with her I could not be spontaneous (blame my shyness).

3. Be reliable (or at least work on it).
hmmm. I do not understand (blame my english). You mean be a trustworthy person or a self confident person?
Unfortunately I do not fit in the second option

4. BE PREPARED FOR MARRIAGE, LAUNDRY, KIDS, DUTIES AND MORE LAUNDRY!
No problem. I wanted a lasting relationship.

"Oh, and btw., sometimes she doesn't want sex. Or romance. Or attention. She just wants to be left alone. "
Another cause of separation. She felt pressure because I go find her "constantly" (I called her out once a week)


Finally, your text emphasizes what I know to be the nice guy syndrome.. Not enough to be good and helpful if you self confidence problem ...
Not saying that is your case, but more than that is true, I do not leave to find Sad that there women who do not accept this "defect", but they support more inappropriate behaviors of their peers.


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