In "like" with someone, in love with someone else

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Hi guys, I posted here a while back asking for advice on the situation where I am in love with my best friend and he has no feelings beyond friendship for me. Well now something else is complicating that situation.

My friend is now dating someone else He's not sure if it's going to last but he really, really likes her (and she's very different from me. Gah.) So my heart is now officially broken, which I didn't think could happen to me.

Well, someone else is interested in ME now! We met at a bar where I wind down, and he's really nice and we have a good time together. Like, really-- I'm not interested in making my friend jealous and I wasn't just looking for a rebound, I just happened to meet this guy and we became friends-- we play Magic: The Gathering and watch Star Trek together because we're both nerds, haha. And he wants to call it dating and tell people we're a couple.

I like that idea. I like him. There's some chemistry. I think it could be something good. But.. I'm still in love with my friend, and I don't know if/when I will stop being in love with him. I've known him so long and we know each other so well and I feel so comfortable with him, and if he changed his mind and had feelings for me I'd be with him, no question. But he doesn't feel that way... so what do I do? Should I date this other guy? Do I have to tell him I love someone else?

I really don't know what to do! Please help! Thanks!
Elanor

Never build a relationship on deception or dishonesty, even by omission. He deserves to know exactly where he stands.

I'm in a bit of a similar situation.. comparable, anyways, but not quite identical.

Anyways, I know it's hard.. but you can't let your love for your friend completely deny you of possibly enjoying connecting with someone else that wants to be with you. I get not wanting to make yourself unavailable just in case your friend comes around to the idea of you two being together... but if he doesn't have any feelings for you beyond friendship, then you have to believe he's being honest and accept that and somewhat move on with life.

If you're not comfortable jumping into a relationship and being referred to as a couple with this new guy you click with, then tell him so. I don't think you're obligated to tell him you're in love with your other friend. Doing so would probably hurt him and make him feel like a distant second consolation prize. Just tell him you're not ready to be in a committed exclusive relationship and known as a couple, but you're willing to date him and see how things go. Nothing wrong with going on a few dates, or even date each other for months, before deciding to officially become a girlfriend/boyfriend couple and be known as such, IMO. This "dating," period gives you time to assess the situation and your feelings and see if you want to be in a relationship with him beyond just dating, as well as to figure our your feelings for the other guy - and perhaps even talk to the other guy about all of this if you need his input.. or even just to observe his relationship with the girl he's dating to see if it seems they're going to work out as a couple together and that it'd be silly for you to continue waiting for him etc.

I disagree that NOT telling your new interest would be outright deception. I worry that this isn't all that big a deal and that by telling the new guy you might actually harm the relationship.

If you really have zero chance with this other guy and you want to commit to what you have, which sounds really cool, here's what I think you should do. Do the old empty chair routine. Get an empty chair and pretend this guy is sitting there. Tell "him" your feelings, but that it's not going to work out and that you have to move on now. Tell him you're breaking up with him and goodbye. Cry if you need to, and I bet you start feeling better soon.

Alternatively, write a letter to him, say everything you want to say, and end the letter by breaking up with him. If you can safely do it, burn it when you're done.

The thing is, you haven't actually been in a relationship with him, but you still need to break up so you can pursue your new relationship. What you need is SOME kind of closure, and I suggest performing some kind of ritual that you'll be comfortable with. The above are just suggestions, but the object of whatever you do is to move all these feelings into the past. You're over, DONE.

I still have feelings for certain of my old flames. Just because I have feelings for someone doesn't mean we have a future together. It may take time for a heart to heal and for feelings to fade, but they will in time. Just make sure the time you have during that process isn't wasted.

Thank you so much, everyone! I really appreciate your input and I've decided to continue seeing the second guy without disclosing my feelings for my friend, because I feel it will be best for everyone involved in how it will make them feel. The second guy and I can have fun together and not move too fast, and that will be good for both of us. And my friend and his person that he's dating can feel more secure knowing that I'm with someone else.

AngelRho, your reply in particular resonated so much with me. I actually cried about it while I was reading it, and I think I am going to do the empty chair thing you suggested. It feels almost like grieving to be admitting that my friend and I will never be anything more than that. It's just really sad now that I've realized how long I've felt this way But, trying to think positive, and maybe this will all work out well

This has been my experience also. I find it helpful to expand my vocabulary, and my self awareness, beyond the single word "love". If I tell someone I am dating that I still love a former, it would likely damage the current relationship. But if I closely examine my heart and my feelings for the former, I often find that the phrase "I still have something of a soft spot for that person" is more accurate than "I still love that person". Finding a way to describe my feelings for formers other than using the word "love" allows me to acknowledge the emotions I am experiencing, but without burdening them and myself with an over-charged description. It also frees me up to more truly "love" someone else.

For what it's worth I think your making the rite decision. I got in my 2nd & 3rd/current relationship when I was in love with someone else who I really didn't have much of a chance with because she didn't/doesn't know I exist. Both those girlfriends knew about it because I was obsessed & posted about her aLOT but if I didn't post about it or they didn't see the post, I would of waited a long time to bring it up. Loving her didn't/doesn't make a difference in either relationship because I focused my attention & became obsessed with my girlfriends & fell in love with them despite still loving the girl I had practically no chance with & if by some miracle I would have a chance to really talk to her I wouldn't come on to her or anything because I value the relationship I have & love my girlfriend too much. I still love my 1st girlfriend & my 2nd& know I always will just like the no chance girl but it doesn't interfere with my relationship because I know & accept that we cant be together.