Why is Love Illogical?

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Why is love so illogical?

I've often wondered that as I find that many couples I know often act in an illogical fashion.

For starters why do so many people find total jerks (both male and female) attractive? It just doesn't make sense! As all that will happen is that you'll get hurt.

I can understand if someone is desperate or finds the said jerk physically attractive, but if that isn't the case, then what then?

Also why is it when one or both partners find each other annoying do they not just act differently around their partner, avoid showing the character traits that the partner finds annoying and maybe mimic a personality which they find more attractive?

eg I know a young gentleman who really fancy's Megan Fox, what I don't understand is that he goes out with a woman who's nothing like her and is unwilling or unable to change her ways to become like her.

Lastly why is it that when one feels that they aren't getting enough sex does the other party not just lie back and think of England?

In other words why doesn't the other partner just have sex for the sake of stopping their partner cheating on him/her?

In the past I have found some relationships I've been in made sense, while others didn't.

The former type I stayed in to the bitter end, the latter I dumped like a hot potato.

There's probably more I could go on about, such as why don't more women who want to become kept women, become gold diggers, or why do lovers forgive each other even after one (or both) partner has done something really terrible to them, but then the list will never end.

Why is Love soooo illogical????

Why would you be in a relationship if you have to act like a different person around your partner? How on Earth would that be a remotely satisfying relationship, to condition yourself to hide parts of you when you're around the person that you supposedly love? How is it at all healthy to feel like you need to mimic a different person to be attractive to your partner? All of these things point to you needing to break up because you are not compatible. Does it sound rational or respectful to say "I'd like you more if you acted like a different person" ?

Being attracted to someone famous does not imply that it is the only type of person you are attracted to. Feeling like you do not get enough sex does not entitle you to demand that your partner 'put up with sex' just to appease you. If you expect that your partner would cheat on you for not 'putting out' enough, why the hell would you even be with this person? If I ever felt that my partner would cheat on me unless I became a masturbation tool for them, I would dump her as fast as I could, because I would dump anyone who I felt would cheat on me; and I'd recommend anyone else do the same. You should never have to live with the feeling that your partner would cheat on you in a certain circumstance, and if they give you reason to believe they might then you should not be with this person.

Anyone who expects their partner to just put up with it and lay still because they want sex is completely undeserving of being in a relationship at all. If your partner wants to make that compromise on her/his own, then that is their choice, but it is not their duty to, and to expect it from them is neurotic and suggests that you believe you own their body more than they do.

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Why would you be in a relationship if you have to act like a different person around your partner? How on Earth would that be a remotely satisfying relationship, to condition yourself to hide parts of you when you're around the person that you supposedly love? How is it at all healthy to feel like you need to mimic a different person to be attractive to your partner? All of these things point to you needing to break up because you are not compatible. Does it sound rational or respectful to say "I'd like you more if you acted like a different person" ?

Being attracted to someone famous does not imply that it is the only type of person you are attracted to. Feeling like you do not get enough sex does not entitle you to demand that your partner 'put up with sex' just to appease you. If you expect that your partner would cheat on you for not 'putting out' enough, why the hell would you even be with this person? If I ever felt that my partner would cheat on me unless I became a masturbation tool for them, I would dump her as fast as I could, because I would dump anyone who I felt would cheat on me; and I'd recommend anyone else do the same. You should never have to live with the feeling that your partner would cheat on you in a certain circumstance, and if they give you reason to believe they might then you should not be with this person.

Anyone who expects their partner to just put up with it and lay still because they want sex is completely undeserving of being in a relationship at all. If your partner wants to make that compromise on her/his own, then that is their choice, but it is not their duty to, and to expect it from them is neurotic and suggests that you believe you own their body more than they do.[/quote]

For the first statement I have asked a number of other people this question, and they have given more or less the same answer.

However what I don't understand is that if someone is physically and mentally capable of making themselves look a certain way and to embody certain traits or mannerisms to make themselves come across more attractive, then why not do just that? Even if it is only just pretending, the reason why someone is loved/liked is due to what they say and what they do.

For the second statement, while I myself would never, ever pressure a woman into having sex from what I'm led to understand sex is very important to a lot of people, and I don't see why one should have any reason not to lie back and think of England.

There I hope I made myself clearer now.

If you must pretend in order to receive signals of love, then it is not you that the person loves - it is the person you are pretending to be. It is a person you aren't, and thinking you are a 'couple in love' is a delusion at that point. You are a couple playing games; a couple faking love - in love with masks and not the people behind them.

This goes against my notion of what I would require to feel loved. I will only feel loved when someone loves me for who I really am, and that I never have to pretend to be someone else in order to make that person happy. When I can be exactly me, and the person attracted to me shows me compassion and care, and would be disappointed if I ever pretended to be anyone else - who would in fact scold me if I ever tried to wear a 'mask' - and accepts me for all of my positive attributes and my quirks, even if those quirks may cause conflicts sometimes; that is when I will feel loved. That is when love is real, and not a game of pretend.

Growing and overcoming your limitations; changing in a natural way like that, there is not a problem with. That isn't pretending. But an intentional deception as you seem to suggest is what I am referring to.

If being someone I am not is the only way I can have love directed at me, then accept to not be loved. It's one area I am firmly stubborn with.

OK that answers my question.

One thing however, where do the so called 'laws of attraction' come in?

Also I often see on the internet advice posted online telling you how to chat up women, as I have tried some of it, it does work, sometimes...

Sorry but logic doesn't enter into it here, we're talking a mixture of psychology, sociology and random chance. How human attraction works was explained to me once by a psychiatrist friend who is also a poker partner, it's a long explanation so grab a drink and a sticky bun and sit down.

Each of us carries around two images of our ideal partner, a conscious one and an unconscious. The conscious image tells you that I prefer brunettes and redheads to blondes and women with brown eyes make me go weak at the knees. The unconscious image is more subtle, take two women of similar age, build and complexion and it's possible to describe one as attractive and the other as plain and you can't explain why. This is the unconscious image at work.

So, Eccles is in a bar and he sees a vision of loveliness walk in through the door. Being a well educated Aspie he walks up to her and says hello, at which point the clocks start running. The vision of loveliness does a quick yes/no comparison with her conscious image of the ideal man and lets suppose it's my lucky night and she decides to continue the conversation. You then start comparing the person in front of you to your UNCONSCIOUS image and subtle adjustments are made. I might suddenly decide that women with green eyes are OK and she might decide to forget about my Star Trek movie collection.

All of this happens in two or three minutes, after which you both decide if the conversation is worth continuing. There is no way to predict this because her ideal man may be a bronzed God with a Mercedes or it could be an average guy called Eccles who drives a Ford and likes Star Trek, you never know unless you try.

Well, the above covers the initial meeting but those adjustments to the unconscious image continue throughout a relationship and it's how some people stay together for years, even after beauty fades.

Because love is not based on reason; instead, it is based on hormones and endorphins only.

Why does a bear s**t in the woods?

good question. I once had a massive crush on a total jerk. I could see he was one (he was extremely nasty and disrespectful to me) but still, I just couldn't help it. it was like a mental illness I reckon. in hindsight, I feel like I was possessed or sth. nothing about this is logical, it must be some primal, animalistic thing.


we can't all date Michael Fassbender there's nothing unusual in being in a relationship and still appreciating other people we find attractive. what if someone fancies Megan Fox and a dozen others? you go for whatever you can get. my bf is nothing like Michael Fassbender but he's my second choice so it's still pretty good ;p

as to acting unnaturally around a partner - to me that sounds like cheating. the point of being coupled is that the person you're with likes your true personality, and vice versa.



dude, women have been doing that for centuries. it's the cornerstone of marriage more enlightened minds just open up their marriages instead of suffering through passionless sex. there is a ton of people who do what you describe though. they shouldn't really be surprised when their partners cheat imho.


yes!

Megan Fox looks so fake and stuck up.

Because they are not you, and most likely for them they will not be jerks.

Ok, then the person I mimic is in an happy relationship with someone else, and my partner is in an happy relationship with an mimiced not existing persons.
I think the answer is that some people do like to have real relationships with real existing persons.

I find as well Johnny Depp really cute, but why should my partner need to become Johnny Depp? O_o If I wanted to be in an relationship with Johnny Depp, I would go for it, but I want to be in an relationship with my partner. So when I want to be with my partner, and my partner instead faked to be Johnny Depp, I dont have any advantage from it, because then I am neither with my partner, nor with Johnny Depp? O_o

Because sex is only sex when its done with everyone involved, wanting to have sex? I would not call "agreed raping" a form of sex. ^^

Out of the same reason why prostitutes dont do it for free, because doing something that you dont want to do, sucks. ^^You could ask me as well, why I dont bump my head in the wall. XD

Because they want to forgive them.

Why do you ask so illogic questions? ^^ (Like: Why do people dont do stuff, they dont like. ^^ Or why do people not play actors all day, and play and act their life, as if they were living in an soap opera 24 hours a day, but instead live the life of the persons that they really are. ^^)

Looking at the above reply's and can see that my OP (and its 2 sequels) has stirred up quite a lot of emotions, that I wasn't expecting.

The reason why I asked this was because I was wondering if I should somehow 'change' to attract women better.

Here's a list of some of the things I do whenever I meet a girl I fancy...

1. Say 'hi' to her and introduce myself, and let her introduce herself as well.

2. Become friends and maybe give out each others phone numbers.

3. Be a gent and leave her alone for a few days before calling her, unless she calls first.

4. In time ask her to become my GF, if she likes.

5. Over time talk about some of my interests, views and how I'd like us to live together in a cocoon, where we can be happy and safe.

6. Let her bring up the subject of sex, if she wants too.

Now I've had a few relationships which have followed this basic pattern and in all cases I haven't got anyone to 'share' my cocoon (home) with, and far from implying that I would try and 'mold' someone (I used to try this a while ago but when I met with no success I stopped) I was thinking of molding myself to become a little more direct.

After all, Data (from Star Trek TNG) used to pretend he was more human in order to be more like the rest of the crew, but all things considered at the end of the day he was still a robot, and it seemed to work for him (sometimes) so why not me.

The reason why I did not come out directly with this before was due to the fact I find it uncomfortable to speak frankly about realtionships and sex with those I do not know, but if I speak indirectly I feel better about talking about it.

As I got a lot of backlash I felt that I should bite the bullet and say what I really meant

I think with the Data example you want to point on the topic of pretend and act to be something/someone else, to please your partner. You end your example with "at the end of the day". The thing is, there is no end of an day in an relationship. You have it 24 hours of day. So you jump up, pretend play for your partner, go to work, pretend play for your coworkers, mabye meet family or other persons after work or do some groceries shopping, pretend play again for them, come home and start again to pretend play for your partner...

The thing is: When do you then want to calm down/relax/be yourself? Pretend play/acting needs ressources, there is a reason why being an actor is a job. If you do a job 18 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, you will burn out. And more: What benefit could you have from that, when for you having a benefit, it was necessary, that you allow yourself for at least 1 minute to be yourself? Data is a fictional character, played by an actor, that goes home after work, to rest down from playing a role all day.

Last edited by RetroGamer87 on 13 Feb 2014, 1:25 pm, edited 2 times in total.

...which in turn are affected by thoughts and ideas which we presume are logical.



I don't think I can NOT be myself, not for any sort of romantic relationship. It just...would never happen. Love IS logical to me, all emotions have a logic around them, don't they? Anyways, I can have a hard time biting my tongue about acts or something that upsets me about my partner. Which is ultimately fine by me, because it makes me think about what upsets me about it and why it does, which allows me to think 'does it have to bother me?', or can I bring it up in a way that won't lead to an argument or hurt feelings. It's an opportunity to make myself a better, more understanding person, not an opportunity to bottle myself up.

This is really a interesting topic even i often wonder why do we chase love when its so complicated.

But i cant help falling in love...its like we dont decide when to fall....we just fall.
But whenever i fall for it........it breaks my heart and shatters me.

Somehow i got used to the process happening repeatedly and now im cautious

I read this interesting article a couple of days ago
Its describing love wonderully in a spiritual way
Why something so positive turns into negative.
http://pachaimayil.blogspot.in/2008/04/ ... -love.html