online dating emails, what to say?

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Briareos
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13 Mar 2014, 10:52 pm

basically I never know what to talk about on OkCupid, and how I should word it so can get a good conversation going. I'm also not sure how to turn an email into something simple like a coffee date. Also, I'm a bit hesitant of actually messaging anybody, it may seem silly but I'm a little bit afraid.
Any advice? I've had a few girls message me already and I talked back to them but I never felt anything. Sometimes I feel like I don't know what I'm looking for or what I should be looking for.



thewhitrbbit
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14 Mar 2014, 11:04 am

Tough one.

There doesn't seem to be any one formula that works.

Actually one thing I think Eharmony got right is doing guided questions before you actually send messages.



Briareos
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14 Mar 2014, 4:07 pm

thewhitrbbit wrote:
Tough one.

There doesn't seem to be any one formula that works.

Actually one thing I think Eharmony got right is doing guided questions before you actually send messages.


blood looking around the Internet a little bit for tips and tricks to make a successful email, I been doing things like asking girls about things they mentioned in their profile, and it even started trying to address them by their name. It's an often overlooked thing to do, but I think it helps your message pop a little bit better.

Here's my OkCupid profile if you want to take a look. OkCupid

Should I add more detail? Less detail? If anything stands out, tell me.

Also, I recently checked into my match account, and I was very surprised to find that 3 emails were waiting for me! Now a couple months ago there was a time where I had one email, subscribed, and that basically went nowhere so it was a waste of money. Should I maybe save and try pulling the trigger again?



Last edited by Briareos on 16 Mar 2014, 4:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Stargazer43
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14 Mar 2014, 4:59 pm

Briareos wrote:
thewhitrbbit wrote:
Tough one.

There doesn't seem to be any one formula that works.

Actually one thing I think Eharmony got right is doing guided questions before you actually send messages.


blood looking around the Internet a little bit for tips and tricks to make a successful email, I been doing things like asking girls about things they mentioned in their profile, and it even started trying to address them by their name. It's an often overlooked thing to do, but I think it helps your message pop a little bit better.

Here's my OkCupid profile if you want to take a look here. Should I add more detail? Less detail? If anything stands out, tell me.

Also, I recently checked into my match account, and I was very surprised to find that 3 emails were waiting for me! Now a couple months ago there was a time where I had one email, subscribed, and that basically went nowhere so it was a waste of money. Should I maybe save and try pulling the trigger again?


For a first message, ask them one or two questions about something on their profile. Keep it short, no more than 5 sentences or so. If they respond, try and keep the conversation going. If you start running out of things to talk about, ask them another question about something on their profile or something you'd like to know about them. Keep it impersonal - don't ask them things like where they work or live for example. After 4-6 messages back and forth, simply say that you've enjoyed talking to them and ask if they'd like to get together for coffee one night.



Briareos
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14 Mar 2014, 11:24 pm

Stargazer43 wrote:
For a first message, ask them one or two questions about something on their profile. Keep it short, no more than 5 sentences or so. If they respond, try and keep the conversation going. If you start running out of things to talk about, ask them another question about something on their profile or something you'd like to know about them. Keep it impersonal - don't ask them things like where they work or live for example. After 4-6 messages back and forth, simply say that you've enjoyed talking to them and ask if they'd like to get together for coffee one night.
OK, solid advice.



savvyidentity
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15 Mar 2014, 12:36 am

Briareos wrote:
basically I never know what to talk about on OkCupid, and how I should word it so can get a good conversation going. I'm also not sure how to turn an email into something simple like a coffee date. Also, I'm a bit hesitant of actually messaging anybody, it may seem silly but I'm a little bit afraid.
Any advice? I've had a few girls message me already and I talked back to them but I never felt anything. Sometimes I feel like I don't know what I'm looking for or what I should be looking for.


Start with 'what's up' or 'hows it going' when you message them, some people don't like that but what you want to know is if they are willing to reply at all, ask about their interests, be funny if the mood takes you, don't ask more than one queston at a time, and take the cues from them as to when to change topic, just let it flow don't beat around the same bush but don't change the topic if she's interested (if she laughs, continue making her laugh a little), if she likes you.. you'll know cause she'll likely ask you something like, 'have you had any luck with this?' etc, be honest if they ask a leading question like that, if you had some dates say so even if they didn't turn up, and ask the same back, then just suggest you exchange numbers in the next message. It might not be a question, i've had one say 'well you seem like my kind of person', and it's a cue to exchange numbers, but often it's best to wait for their cues rather than to do it yourself. If you can hack it text her to verify the number, then call right away. It's a womans world because there are so many men messaging a ton of women, so be patient. I got one date with a girl when i initiated that myself but it was because i thought she wouldn't do it, and in that case it's worth doing.



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15 Mar 2014, 8:01 am

savvyidentity wrote:
Briareos wrote:
basically I never know what to talk about on OkCupid, and how I should word it so can get a good conversation going. I'm also not sure how to turn an email into something simple like a coffee date. Also, I'm a bit hesitant of actually messaging anybody, it may seem silly but I'm a little bit afraid.
Any advice? I've had a few girls message me already and I talked back to them but I never felt anything. Sometimes I feel like I don't know what I'm looking for or what I should be looking for.


Start with 'what's up' or 'hows it going' when you message them, some people don't like that but what you want to know is if they are willing to reply at all, ask about their interests, be funny if the mood takes you, don't ask more than one queston at a time, and take the cues from them as to when to change topic, just let it flow don't beat around the same bush but don't change the topic if she's interested (if she laughs, continue making her laugh a little), if she likes you.. you'll know cause she'll likely ask you something like, 'have you had any luck with this?' etc, be honest if they ask a leading question like that, if you had some dates say so even if they didn't turn up, and ask the same back, then just suggest you exchange numbers in the next message. It might not be a question, i've had one say 'well you seem like my kind of person', and it's a cue to exchange numbers, but often it's best to wait for their cues rather than to do it yourself. If you can hack it text her to verify the number, then call right away. It's a womans world because there are so many men messaging a ton of women, so be patient. I got one date with a girl when i initiated that myself but it was because i thought she wouldn't do it, and in that case it's worth doing.


DO NOT start with "what's up?" or "how's it going?"! !! Other than that, ^^ this is excellent advice. Be sure to mention something they wrote in their profile as part of your message as a common interest, or to ask them about something in their profile.

If you must have a standardized greeting, a better one is "Hi, <username>, I really enjoyed reading your profile" (or something along those lines). By mentioning their user name, it shows that your message is targeted for that person and no one else. One reason so many women don't respond is that they get so many scammer messages. They sound oh so very real and sincere, but if you look closely, there is never anything specific mentioned about the profile of the person they're writing to.

Again, everything else is excellent advice.



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15 Mar 2014, 9:09 am

Eureka13 wrote:
DO NOT start with "what's up?" or "how's it going?"! !! Other than that, ^^ this is excellent advice. Be sure to mention something they wrote in their profile as part of your message as a common interest, or to ask them about something in their profile.


I strongly agree. I won't even respond to "Hey" or "What's up" messages, and I make it a point to respond to just about everyone even if I'm not interested. Every time I see one of those messages I die a little inside.



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16 Mar 2014, 1:44 am

If you're talking to people you're incompatible with in the first place, that can make conversation much harder.

Two ideas:

1) Answer 100, perhaps even 200-300 good match questions (not just about how often you masturbate or where you like to go out to eat). This will allow you to browse a list of people with similar stances on ethics, religion, lifestyle, etc.

2) Use the advanced search option to find profiles that mention keywords, the more specific to you and your interests the better.



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16 Mar 2014, 4:36 am

Write a couple of sentences as an intro, tell them you think they seem like interesting people, and then simply ask them if they're keen to meet up for a coffee. You've got nothing to lose, good luck, dude. :thumleft:

The fact you've had girls message you is pretty cool - a lot of guys have much more trouble. Keep trying, and be genuine. If you want to meet them, say so. No-one's going to hold it against you if you ask them to meet you for a coffee. :)



savvyidentity
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16 Mar 2014, 9:30 am

hale_bopp wrote:
The fact you've had girls message you is pretty cool - a lot of guys have much more trouble.


Yes. If you get a good response already, you needn't change whatever it is you're doing to get all this attention - just take full advantage of it.

Talk a bit, maybe text then call and set a date on the second day. They're nervous as well probably, take your time about it so she's not a complete stranger. That helps a lot, and you'll be able to pick up roughly where you left off.



Briareos
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16 Mar 2014, 4:17 pm

coffeebean wrote:
If you're talking to people you're incompatible with in the first place, that can make conversation much harder.

Two ideas:

1) Answer 100, perhaps even 200-300 good match questions (not just about how often you masturbate or where you like to go out to eat). This will allow you to browse a list of people with similar stances on ethics, religion, lifestyle, etc.

2) Use the advanced search option to find profiles that mention keywords, the more specific to you and your interests the better.


1. Yeah, I recently just cleared all the questions I had answered to try to go for a fresh start. I figured my opinions might have changed since I last answered them.... I've tried to avoid too many of the sex questions, because honestly at this point I really don't care about getting into bed really fast.

2. I haven't been doing that as much. For me, skiing is my passion; however there aren't a lot of skiers out here in Midwestern Canada. It would probably be wiser to look for "snowboarding" instead, I'd probably have better results. Besides that, I also like to take long trail rides on my mountain bike.

hale_bopp wrote:
Write a couple of sentences as an intro, tell them you think they seem like interesting people, and then simply ask them if they're keen to meet up for a coffee. You've got nothing to lose, good luck, dude.

The fact you've had girls message you is pretty cool - a lot of guys have much more trouble. Keep trying, and be genuine. If you want to meet them, say so. No-one's going to hold it against you if you ask them to meet you for a coffee.


okay, sounds like a good thing to do.

Yeah I get surprised when I get messaged too; sometimes I think I underestimate my appeal. And also, I guess that makes sense; I always thought there was supposed to be a "right time" to ask that, and I never knew when that would be. A little more assertion is what I need.



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16 Mar 2014, 5:40 pm

Briareos wrote:
1. Yeah, I recently just cleared all the questions I had answered to try to go for a fresh start. I figured my opinions might have changed since I last answered them.... I've tried to avoid too many of the sex questions, because honestly at this point I really don't care about getting into bed really fast.

2. I haven't been doing that as much. For me, skiing is my passion; however there aren't a lot of skiers out here in Midwestern Canada. It would probably be wiser to look for "snowboarding" instead, I'd probably have better results. Besides that, I also like to take long trail rides on my mountain bike.


I was thinking more personality-based, which has been successful for me on my first and only try in having a few days of great conversation with someone who's only a 79% match. We're naturally similar when it comes to personality and preferences (more in our heads, happy to wait, open to all topics, prone to overthinking, solitary, like weird things, etc). By comparison, there's only some overlap in actual activity-interests like The Walking Dead or technology.

I'd been reading about MBTI, so I searched for people who mentioned "INTJ" in their profile. A few friends of mine identify with that "personality type" and I've seen them online quite a bit, so I know that there are a lot of common traits as well as less common traits that appeal to me.

I ran a few more searches out of curiosity and noticed a lot of similarities between profiles mentioning the same type. I could find people who were varying degrees of outgoing, intellectual, and eccentric with one or a different set of traits with another. I wouldn't recommend flat-out going by this when trying to understand them as a person, but it's one of many possible shortcuts to particular types of people who are choosing to use that label in their profile for a reason.

Someone shy and calm might look for less commonly used terms like wallflower, reserved, collected, or peaceful to indicate someone of like mind. Many people use simple, common terms like shy or nerdy to describe a tendency too minor matter to many people who strongly identify with those terms, but there are a lot that they'd never think to use. You could even try something unlikely to come up with many results like your favorite characters just to see if anyone would think to mention something interesting about them.

The reasoning behind this is that all the carefully crafted messages, painstakingly selected approaches, and polite conversation in the world won't bring together two people who aren't alike and don't like each other.



Briareos
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16 Mar 2014, 11:39 pm

coffeebean wrote:
I was thinking more personality-based, which has been successful for me on my first and only try in having a few days of great conversation with someone who's only a 79% match. We're naturally similar when it comes to personality and preferences (more in our heads, happy to wait, open to all topics, prone to overthinking, solitary, like weird things, etc). By comparison, there's only some overlap in actual activity-interests like The Walking Dead or technology.

I'd been reading about MBTI, so I searched for people who mentioned "INTJ" in their profile. A few friends of mine identify with that "personality type" and I've seen them online quite a bit, so I know that there are a lot of common traits as well as less common traits that appeal to me.


my 1st pass through I just answered questions as they arose truthfully, so I may have answered more sex-related questions than I really needed to. however that doesn't mean I should avoid them entirely either; what I might do with someone are important things to answer.
I think there were even some questions were I didn't want to commit to admitting that they were very important, thinking that I might be perceived as being too picky. Really, there's no right or wrong answer I guess, I am who I am.

coffeebean wrote:
Someone shy and calm might look for less commonly used terms like wallflower, reserved, collected, or peaceful to indicate someone of like mind. Many people use simple, common terms like shy or nerdy to describe a tendency too minor matter to many people who strongly identify with those terms, but there are a lot that they'd never think to use. You could even try something unlikely to come up with many results like your favorite characters just to see if anyone would think to mention something interesting about them.

I ran a few more searches out of curiosity and noticed a lot of similarities between profiles mentioning the same type. I could find people who were varying degrees of outgoing, intellectual, and eccentric with one or a different set of traits with another. I wouldn't recommend flat-out going by this when trying to understand them as a person, but it's one of many possible shortcuts to particular types of people who are choosing to use that label in their profile for a reason.


That is a very good idea, I had not thought to look for personality keywords! a very reserved guy myself, but I also come alive when it comes to physical activity. I have to get a little bit creative and think of some good keywords to try to sniff out like-minded people.

I was wondering if I should maybe start looking for people just a little bit outside of my city? Like for instance in the next province over, or the next major city? Even though I'm situated where I am, that doesn't mean I want to remain here forever.



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17 Mar 2014, 9:18 am

Briareos wrote:
my 1st pass through I just answered questions as they arose truthfully, so I may have answered more sex-related questions than I really needed to. however that doesn't mean I should avoid them entirely either; what I might do with someone are important things to answer.
I think there were even some questions were I didn't want to commit to admitting that they were very important, thinking that I might be perceived as being too picky. Really, there's no right or wrong answer I guess, I am who I am.


I wouldn't discount them entirely. It's just that if you've answered 100 questions and 15 of them are about masturbation, that's a whole lot of nothing useful.

I don't know if it works the same way for men, but because of the way I've answered the questions about sex I get men who are similarly sexually reserved with a high match %. They're the ones who don't like risk and have a positive attitude towards sex as something recreational or bonding, not a gain to be maximized. Some of them haven't had one-night stands or wouldn't have sex on the first date, which is a huge bonus to me.

Not being picky, in my opinion, a matter of rethinking what's not that important instead of compromising on what is to avoid alienating people. Again, you could take all the perfect presentation and approach steps for the maximum possible number of matches and dates... and then you'll be on a first date with someone who doesn't agree with your approach to life, relationships, sex, politics, religion, and ethics, and who doesn't like your personality or beliefs.

Briareos wrote:
I was wondering if I should maybe start looking for people just a little bit outside of my city? Like for instance in the next province over, or the next major city? Even though I'm situated where I am, that doesn't mean I want to remain here forever.


I suppose it depends on where you live and how far you're willing to travel to meet someone. Where I live the next city is usually easily reached by a 15-20 minute ride, which isn't that far.



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18 Mar 2014, 10:25 pm

coffeebean wrote:
I wouldn't discount them entirely. It's just that if you've answered 100 questions and 15 of them are about masturbation, that's a whole lot of nothing useful.

I don't know if it works the same way for men, but because of the way I've answered the questions about sex I get men who are similarly sexually reserved with a high match %. They're the ones who don't like risk and have a positive attitude towards sex as something recreational or bonding, not a gain to be maximized. Some of them haven't had one-night stands or wouldn't have sex on the first date, which is a huge bonus to me.


yeah, none of that matters.

It probably does work the same as men; I don't think the questions change based on gender or how they work.

coffeebean wrote:
Not being picky, in my opinion, a matter of rethinking what's not that important instead of compromising on what is to avoid alienating people. Again, you could take all the perfect presentation and approach steps for the maximum possible number of matches and dates... and then you'll be on a first date with someone who doesn't agree with your approach to life, relationships, sex, politics, religion, and ethics, and who doesn't like your personality or beliefs.

okay, I understand. I just need to make sure I ask myself what I value as important traits I guess.

coffeebean wrote:
I suppose it depends on where you live and how far you're willing to travel to meet someone. Where I live the next city is usually easily reached by a 15-20 minute ride, which isn't that far.

well I'm in Canada, and the next major city is at least 500 to 700 km away; i.e. 5 to 7 hour drive. However, I have family that are located in the next major city, and there's a possibility I might move there one day. I really don't know.