Not Feeling Any Connections…

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Briareos
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27 Mar 2014, 6:04 pm

I'm trying to do online dating and is going all right, currently a succeeded in doing a little bit of an email chat back-and-forth with a girl and now I have a number. I texted her a little bit about a day ago, but I kind of dropped it because I didn't know what to ask her or talk about. I'm finding this hard to describe, but I'm not feeling, or have yet to feel, that "instant connection" if you know what I mean. The kind of social connection where you just want to know everything about that person and could just talk for hours, like how I get when I start talking about my favorite subjects and activities.. I've either not met that person, or maybe I'm doing it wrong.

can anyone give any suggestions to this?

Oh, another thing I wanted advice on; only some good things to help keep the conversation going? Like on a date or something..... I've always been bad with small talk, especially when I'm nervous because my communication skills lock up when I don't know what to say and it always leads to very awkward silence.



aspiemike
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27 Mar 2014, 7:27 pm

I'd say your just maturing emotionally. Nothing to be ashamed of either. I can't give you any right or wrong way of doing things. But I do believe you will find your way, the type of behaviours you will not deal with and will deal with, and the type of character traits you find attractive. On the other hand, you will likely also learn how to work on your behaviours that are offputting and likely work on self-control along the way. Just don't lay all your eggs in one basket (online dating).


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Stargazer43
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27 Mar 2014, 8:03 pm

I haven't felt that my entire life. I wouldn't fret over it.



buffinator
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27 Mar 2014, 8:15 pm

"instant connection" is a christian myth that feeds into marriage dogma. Thats not to say it doesn't exist, but dont put too much stock into it. The "instant connection" actually is your libido influencing your emotions on non-sexual interactions (based on my experience).

If you are inexperienced with dating I would suggest always pushing for dates so you have opportunities to screw up. You don't want to have no idea what to do when you do "feel a connection."

Ask questions. Tell jokes, ask how was your day, talk about news, comics, memes, etc you browse on the internet. You don't have to be the poet lauriete to have a convo. Don't defeat yourself. If a girl doesn't like you she will either let you know or stop talking to you so don't do her deciding for her. On the other hand if are legitimately unattracted or disinterested then it may not be worth the effort.


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Saul3903
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27 Mar 2014, 11:08 pm

Quote:
I texted her a little bit about a day ago, but I kind of dropped it because I didn't know what to ask her or talk about.


Personally, I despise conversations over text messages. I have a lot of trouble making any kind of connection through text. I don't think that it's a problem, though, because I've learned to be more engaging in person.

Quote:
Oh, another thing I wanted advice on; only some good things to help keep the conversation going?


My strategy? Interrogation. For years I figured it would put somebody off if I asked a bunch of questions about their hobbies, job, etc, but I've learned that, as long as you don't ask anything too personal, it actually makes people feel like you care about them. I'll start with super open ended questions to identify a good topic, like "What do you do for a living?" or "How do you like to spend you weekends?"and I'll get a vague response, like "I work at the Library" or "I play softball often".

From there, I'll start getting details. How long have they pursued this job/hobby? Do they plan to continue for long? What does it take to do this job/hobby well? If I notice that something about their activity that is similar to my activities, I'll mention it. I usually don't have to ask too many of these questions before the other person reciprocates, and starts asking about me.


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Briareos
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27 Mar 2014, 11:13 pm

buffinator wrote:
"instant connection" is a christian myth that feeds into marriage dogma. Thats not to say it doesn't exist, but dont put too much stock into it. The "instant connection" actually is your libido influencing your emotions on non-sexual interactions (based on my experience).

If you are inexperienced with dating I would suggest always pushing for dates so you have opportunities to screw up. You don't want to have no idea what to do when you do "feel a connection."

Ask questions. Tell jokes, ask how was your day, talk about news, comics, memes, etc you browse on the internet. You don't have to be the poet lauriete to have a convo. Don't defeat yourself. If a girl doesn't like you she will either let you know or stop talking to you so don't do her deciding for her. On the other hand if are legitimately unattracted or disinterested then it may not be worth the effort.

I see, that makes more sense. I thought I might have been missing something, but I probably was just mentally conditioned a little bit.

I would consider myself very inexperienced. Only been on one date before this. okay, I have a question: if I start emailing someone, should I try to set up a coffee date or something within about 2 to 4 emails? Maybe say something like, "I'm not good at this emailing thing can we maybe set up a time and place to go out for coffee?" Or could that that be interpreted is coming on too strong?

Now that you say it, I'm realizing I might have been trying to be too formal with what I can ask/talk about. I think I was concerned with being rude...
that's the thing, I'm not sure if I am attracted to her or not. I mean, she looks good, she definitely likes to stay in shape, but as far as her profile reveals I think we only have running in common. Personally, I think it's awesome if I have at least one common activity to do with that person. I don't think she has skied before, neither do I know if she likes to do trail biking excursions, but I guess those are things I could be asking!



Briareos
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27 Mar 2014, 11:28 pm

Saul3903 wrote:
Personally, I despise conversations over text messages. I have a lot of trouble making any kind of connection through text. I don't think that it's a problem, though, because I've learned to be more engaging in person.


I totally understand that, it's the same thing with emails for me too. I find it's really difficult to convey and interpret your/their tone of voice through keyboard strokes. I constantly worry they may get the wrong impression!

Quote:
My strategy? Interrogation. For years I figured it would put somebody off if I asked a bunch of questions about their hobbies, job, etc, but I've learned that, as long as you don't ask anything too personal, it actually makes people feel like you care about them. I'll start with super open ended questions to identify a good topic, like "What do you do for a living?" or "How do you like to spend you weekends?"and I'll get a vague response, like "I work at the Library" or "I play softball often".

From there, I'll start getting details. How long have they pursued this job/hobby? Do they plan to continue for long? What does it take to do this job/hobby well? If I notice that something about their activity that is similar to my activities, I'll mention it. I usually don't have to ask too many of these questions before the other person reciprocates, and starts asking about me.

what a coincidence, I had thought the same thing too!
I'm finding this really helpful; now I kind of have the visualization of how to break down small talk. Before, I was never very good at making it or maintaining it, especially when I started to panic or became nervous.



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31 Mar 2014, 4:31 pm

I also do the "online dating" thing and my strategy is "Don't worry about people who can't hold the conversation themselves" or another words "Don't worry about people that you can't find a topic to speak with". From my experience there are actually people who I can talk for hours with, since the first message. Those people who ask a lot of questions and don't talk much about themselves. Then I answer... and they say something that makes me NEED to say something to fix their misunderstanding. That's challenging and fun. And after a few dates I find myself starting topics instead of them, taking the lead. It comes naturally, once I start co care about them.

Anyway, if you don't feel anything right now I don't think there is a point in keep trying with the girl. There is plenty fishes in the sea, you will find someone you like sooner or later.
But if you really want to try being with the girl - there are some tips what to talk about:
- ask her about her childhood or family (like: Are you the only child or you have any siblings?)
- watch a movie on TV (or at least check what was on TV the day before) and ask her if she watched the movie too, if she says yes - ask if she liked it and if she knows other movies like that, if she say no - ask her if there is any movie she liked since you are looking for something to watch
- ask her what food she likes the best, when she answer tell about your own preferences
- for the date take her:
. somewhere you don't have to talk too much (for example a movie)
. somewhere that brings your memory so you can find a topic to talk about (you can tell her about the memory related to the place "I used to go to that school when I was a kid", "A lightning hit a tree in this park once, I guess the tree is gone now, it was looking weird, it was like cut in half...")
. a shop so you can talk about what you would like to buy or what you find a funny idea
. a place related to your special interest - she might have fun going there and listening to your "lesson" just try not to bore her too much :D
- keep your eyes and ears open at the date and for a few days before the date. Record anything that seem like a topic to talk about - for example: Yesterday I saw a red stray cat and gave him some food from my backpack. It was just a sandwich but the cat eat it all. It must have been very hungry. Do you like cats?
- don't worry, just do your best. If the situation gets awkward and you really cant find anything to say you might always say: "I am not too good in small talks, sorry for the silence, its not like I don't like you or something, it's just... I don't know what to say <smile>". She will understand. Everyone has moments like this.


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Briareos
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03 Apr 2014, 8:51 pm

Kiriae wrote:
I also do the "online dating" thing and my strategy is "Don't worry about people who can't hold the conversation themselves" or another words "Don't worry about people that you can't find a topic to speak with". From my experience there are actually people who I can talk for hours with, since the first message. Those people who ask a lot of questions and don't talk much about themselves. Then I answer... and they say something that makes me NEED to say something to fix their misunderstanding. That's challenging and fun. And after a few dates I find myself starting topics instead of them, taking the lead. It comes naturally, once I start co care about them.

Anyway, if you don't feel anything right now I don't think there is a point in keep trying with the girl. There is plenty fishes in the sea, you will find someone you like sooner or later.
But if you really want to try being with the girl - there are some tips what to talk about:
- ask her about her childhood or family (like: Are you the only child or you have any siblings?)
- watch a movie on TV (or at least check what was on TV the day before) and ask her if she watched the movie too, if she says yes - ask if she liked it and if she knows other movies like that, if she say no - ask her if there is any movie she liked since you are looking for something to watch
- ask her what food she likes the best, when she answer tell about your own preferences
- for the date take her:
. somewhere you don't have to talk too much (for example a movie)
. somewhere that brings your memory so you can find a topic to talk about (you can tell her about the memory related to the place "I used to go to that school when I was a kid", "A lightning hit a tree in this park once, I guess the tree is gone now, it was looking weird, it was like cut in half...")
. a shop so you can talk about what you would like to buy or what you find a funny idea
. a place related to your special interest - she might have fun going there and listening to your "lesson" just try not to bore her too much :D
- keep your eyes and ears open at the date and for a few days before the date. Record anything that seem like a topic to talk about - for example: Yesterday I saw a red stray cat and gave him some food from my backpack. It was just a sandwich but the cat eat it all. It must have been very hungry. Do you like cats?
- don't worry, just do your best. If the situation gets awkward and you really cant find anything to say you might always say: "I am not too good in small talks, sorry for the silence, its not like I don't like you or something, it's just... I don't know what to say <smile>". She will understand. Everyone has moments like this.
Yeah, ok, I understand. I know what it feels like to be motivated to talk to someone you like. As of right now I've yet to feel that through any current online dating connection.

As for this girl, I don't feel like I'm interested enough to continue. She seems nice enough, but I can't find a reason to talk to her. Even though I'm not interested I like your dating tips! I'll keep those in mind when I get to that stage.